Tuesday, January 25


I am away from home and I'm terribly missing it. I do not have time for full-blown updates (but I'm dying to do so soon). Currently, I am still fascinated with white font, black background and trebuchet ms, so you can read little stuff about me lately HERE.

Tuesday, January 18

Natutuwa sa black en white

Balik fascination ako sa xanga...ewan ko ba...must be brought by a random visit to Patty's xanga. So for updates, in case you're looking for one, just visit me here.

Unfortunately, you cannot post a comment unless you have a xanga account. If anyone can help me how to put a tag-board or kahit doodle-board or chatterbox lang, heellliippp!!!

Hello to all. Mwah.

Monday, January 17

Seven hours.

Well, it was originally nine hours kanina.

In *nine* hours, I will be 23. I don't really mean to shamelessly plug my birthday but unlike any birthdays that I had (uhm, let's say 22?), this is the only one which got me thinking and contemplating like crazy for the past few days. Reality tugging me in its finest form (guilt). I used to think when the first few you'll-be-23 bug started biting, maybe it's because of the prep and fuss that my Mom is putting on this...see, I'm not a real I'm-throwing-a-bash person.

The rest of the post can be found in my xanga site. Visit nyo naman.

Saturday, January 15

Sabado Sabado Sabado

I mentioned before that Saturday is really a sacred time for me; unless it's official or a real emergency, I usually find ways to make me stay in the house all day. Today was different. I just kinda set my mind to going out today regardless of my laziness level. I started the day quite early and when my it's-Saturday-I-shouldn't-go-out mood started to kick in, I ignored it and got dressed.

For the first time since it opened not too long ago, I set foot in Gateway Mall. It was impressive even if almost half of the shops are yet to open. I am not really familiar with the Araneta Center area...I last went there, what, 18 years ago? Mom was still familiar with some of the landmarks so we did not get lost. Hehe. Finally, I also tried Taco Bell---their nachos, cheese quesadilla and meximelt (or steak stuft burrito) were great but they ought to have bigger space and their counter people and servers, although they were nice, would benefit from a speech class, kahit basic pronunciation lang. But they were all nice naman. My college bestfriend Bammie was with us so it was fun; we had some time catching up with each other's work (at overall number 1 na daw talaga ang GMA-7, ratings-wise) and other useless ramblings which we are known to talk about. Prior to meeting her, Mom and I stopped touring the different floors of Gateway kasi we noticed na may 3x na ata kaming nag-pass doon sa entertainment appliance showroom sa 2nd floor. We passed time in Starbucks and Mom was badgering me, "Hindi naman yata dadating si Bam, dinala mo pa ako dito sa Cubao para lang mag-kape?" Buti na lang dumating, hehe. Actually, Bammie was supposed to go to Araneta Coliseum as there's a fellowship gathering or something yung Singles at Couples for Christ where Bam and her whole family (her boyfriend Drew included) are active members.

To get home, we were supposed to take the LRT-2 but decided not to at the last minute. So we walked through the other side of Araneta Center, passing by Farmer's Plaza where...tadaa.."the" Booksale outlet is. Dami nagsabi sa akin that it's one of the better branches of Booksale daw in terms of the type of books they have. Well, I went there and it's just okay...I didn't even buy anything that fancied me. Parang nothing extraordinary with the titles available...must be the time of the week. Oh, before that, we passed by National Bookstore too where they have a great book sale!! Eh killjoy si Mommy so nanalo yung guilt trip nya sa akin. I even saw there American Psycho for P200 lang!!! Rarrr!!!

We had to ride the MRT to Ayala...it's Mom's first and my, what, third? Wala lang, exciting sya! Harhar. From Ayala, we just toured the whole stretch of SM, Glorietta, Landmark (and spared Greenbelt) then we went home, bringing nothing but casual everyday shoes from SM and a burrito to go from Taco Bell.

In sum, my Sabado was torture for our feet. As in. Parang pinaglakad kami ng ilang kilometro. Though it was fun having to see new places or just window shop, at the end of the day, your feet won't go goody-goody on you. It will hurt when it's been used so much. Super nakakapagod.

But it was fun.

Thursday, January 13

Serious ha.

I have to allow myself to emit sentiments like what was posted before this. Serious, grabe. Hanep.

Pics na lang.

O, ang mga addict na sa blog. On his fourth day as a "borrowed" team member, blogging was the best influence he got from us this early.

See, even Tita Ditos wasn't spared by Job. "Tita, tingnan mo ang anak ko o..." Sus.

My getup today. Mukha daw akong gagraduate. Scandalous ba? Carry naman kasi broad yung shoulders ko. Weehee.
The other me.

I have not read any book about managing priorities. Maybe that's why I suck at it. Nearing my dreaded 23 in a couple of days, sometimes, I stop and think if I am really worth to be my age. Or if it is best for me to just stay, say, being 11 or 12, where all my illusions about life remain so naive and at times, stupid.

I don't know how to explain it in a way that would be understood yet shady enough not to give away what's really going on with me. Inside me. I still value the idea of being someone that's unexplanable. The obvious bottomline of my inner dilemma, and I've recognized it as such, is my discontent for my life in general. I do not really like myself or what I have. I go all happy and giddy with developments and triumphs but when the feelings die down, I go back to this person that I want to be.

That person I wanna be (or am?) is fueled by the fact that I have someone out there with whom I pattern my other me's personality. In that other me, I am better than the real me, things are brighter, opportunities are greater, yet to add more human quality, challenges are also greater. I've shifted from one "someone out there" to a new one in fifteen years. (Yes, that's how long I've been keeping it). It's what's been keeping me moving for the past fifteen years. I enjoy it, having to connect with that other me every chance I get, as in that other me's world, I can rectify my recent mistakes, I could do what I should have done in my real world.

I know that it does not take any book to finally get rid of that alter ego. I have clung to prayers longer than I thought but maybe I really have no will to change it.

I do not like myself, the selfish, ingrate me.

How I wish that the person my friends are commending when I do something that pleased them is the real me. Maybe it is, but I refuse to believe so because I conditioned my mind that the other me is the better me.

The better me is not real. I have yet to accept myself. God, it's been fifteen years. Aren't you creeped out how young I started losing it?

Wednesday, January 12

Rambol Rambleengs

... Hindi daw namin sinasamantala ang pribilehiyo ng libreng bakuna para sa...uhm..flu - ano ba yon sa Tagalog? Kaya ayan, sa Biyernes, magpapabakuna na naman kami. Ayoko pa naman dun sa nurse sa clinic namin, nasasaktan ako mag-iniksyon. Hmph.

... Late ako dumating. Kasi hindi ako nakatulog doon sa mga kinuwento sa akin ni Kathy na nangyari involving native picture frames and furniture furnishings.

... Ngayon ko lang nalaman na euro na pala currency sa Spain. Nagbabalak kasi ako mag-bakasyon sa Madrid (o, say mo?)...hahahaha!! Kala ko "pesetas"...watdap!

... Ang daming trabaho ngayon ha. Over. Kahit na nahawa na sa pagbo-blog si Job at Ronald, okay pa din naman ang buhay dito sa opis. O ayan, nag-aaya ng umuwi ang boss ko. Kasi nasilip na naman nya siguro na andito pa ako kahit past office hours hindi para mag-overtime kundi para mag-update ng blog. Oo nga naman.

... Wala pa yung cable ko na may fiscal data. Wala akong pera gagamitin paalis at yung tiket ko hindi ibibigay ng Northwest. Nyak. Hahaha! although sabi ni Ms. Rupp eh na-clout na. Napapraning na ako.

... Makikita ko ulit si Bam at Jazz sa Sabado. Naks, ang dalawang kaibigan ko nung kolehiyo. Isang Kapuso, isang Kapamilya. Baka magsabunutan yung dalawang yun. Hahahaha!

... Di na ako nakapanood ng Kung Fu Hustle. Kasi naman yang...hmph...KASI NAMAN YANG OPIS NI VICE MAYOR *TOOT* EH! Feeling importante. Ni hindi ko nga sya kilala 'no! Makasalubong ko sa Robinson's yan di ko pa makikilala yan eh. Hay naku. Inis.

... Gusto ko ng fishballs. Wee. Kagabi bumili ako eh, after how many months na ata. Sarap. Okay na hapunan. Hehe. Iba pa rin tlaga yung nabibili sa labas eh kesa yung binibili sa grocery tas iluluto lang sa house. Iba tlaga. Yumm.

... Si Tita Ditos hindi na sinoli yung gelstick ko kaya balik ako kay Elmer('s glue). Nasa paggamit pala yan. Ngayon, mas gusto ko sya dahil hindi na sya messy gamitin...user problem yung dati eh. Basta ngayon kelangang ingat na ingat ka lang. Pero andun pa din yung pag nalagyan ka sa kamay tapos kinuskos mo, nagiging parang nagpe-peel na libag. Hahaha, yakee.

Uwi na 'ko.

Tuesday, January 11

I want to be...

Young forever. Not that I'm old but in 7 days, the idea of being 23 scares me. Rarr.

Anyway, there is nothing against this per State Department rules. Tadaa..my office monitor...

Hahahaha!! Sige, laugh or puke all you want. Shallow and mushy but "ang ngiti mo ang pinakamagandang regalo sa akin ng Diyos" really made my heart melt. And that is without touching each other ha..for me that's the true test of a kilig moment.

Saturday, January 8

Keeping them close to me. For now.

Funny, I would have posted an entry with the title "I Will Be 23 in Ten Days" but it never got off ground because, well, I probably would like to keep my rants and-or raves close to my chest first. After all, it's still 10 days away. Instead, I will just share 3 pictures...I am not sure how long this would hold my attention but the silly and shallow me feels this way NOW.

One of the best, if not the best, Christmas gift I got. It was an old style of Tigger water holders that ran out of stock in department stores. Now I have it. Note the plastic pitcher behind me. I brought it too. They said kasi the water in our drinking fountain tasted funny lately. I have not tasted how funny it was but it's better to be always sure than sorry.

See my hub wall? Full of printed pics yan of us but note one new addition. Hehe. Lovers in Paris yan..sina Park Shin-Yang (Carlo Han) and Kim Jung Eun (Vivian Kang). Frankly, I have not watched it religiously, pasilip-silip din lang dun sa English-subtitled vcds that we bought pero kilig. Funny na I get so easily hooked to love pairs who are middleaged. Mar and Korina. Now them. Wala lang. Hihihi.

See my desktop background? Wehehe. I do not know how long would I keep this on pero as long as it's there and it's making me all girlish, then what the hell do you care di ba?

Wednesday, January 5

To be More Compassionate

I snap easily lately. I deal with different (and difficult) people everyday and I must have gotten used to them already, right? But I have not. Siguro depende sa mood. May araw na mabait ako sa kausap ko, may days, like today, I almost tell them to just get on with what they wanna say!

Pero yung guilt dawns after you hang up the phone. Most recent example (the number of which I already lost count...bad talaga ako today):

Caller: Ma'am, (after what seemed like an eternity of asking if she's blacklisted) sana wag mo naman sabihing makulit ako ha...

Me: Eh, makulit nga ho kayo eh, nasagot ko na ho yung tanong nyo.

See? Siguro I have to realize na for an outsider, there are technicalities that take a while to be understood.

Or minsan, kelangan lang tlaga ng common sense. Tapos yung iba pa, they are waiting kasi to hear something specific from you kaya as long as your reply is not favorable to their ears, hindi ka titigilan kahit sinagot mo na yung tanong nila. Ipipilit na ang dapat na sagot eh yung gusto nilang marinig.


Iba pa yung mag-eemail ng isang nobela pero magpapa-reconsider lang pala. Yung magme-mail ng sulat sa isang magandang stationery, mumurahin ka lang pala kasi di binigyan ng visa yung gelpren nya sa internet. Merong nagfafax ng may tone of desperation pero walang ibinigay na kahit anong contact numbers...yung pinanggalingan pa ng fax e "RCPI" o kung galing sa U.S. e "Kinko's". Tapos tatawag yan sa iyo magagalit at hindi ka sumasagot sa pinadala nila. Saan ka naman nyan lulugar di ba?

Yung mga endorsement letters naman ng U.S. senators at representatives na may 1-day deadline, obvious na tinatamad ng mag-explain yung caseworker kaya i-aattach na lang yung sulat ng constituent. Dito naman sa atin, hindi ka titigilan ng staff, hanggang sa feeling close na sya sa'yo, na tipong ineexpect nya na pag pinickup mo yung handset, alam mong siya na yun.


But I love what I do. I may not like the standard of our personal relationships pero I can live with work itself.

Buti na lang may remnants pa ng kilig today kasi..mayn, I said it na awkward to be kilig icons sina Mar & Korina pero mapapa-awww ka talaga with matching tagilid ng ulo sabay beautiful eyes habang pinapanood mo silang nagpapakaseryoso pero kinikilig din when asked about each other. They were named Pipol of the Year in Ces Drilon's Pipol show.

Monday, January 3

Jazzy good

My first working day for 2005? Good. Really good. I just hope I carry it on till the next 2oo+ working days. Wish me luck.

I was "jazzy" the whole day. My radio tuner was into a jazz station. Okay lang, naappreciate ko na ang Spyro Gyra at si David Benoit. Pati si Anita Baker, love ko na rin beyond Rapture, hehe. Dapat siguro ganun music ko everyday, nakakpagtrabaho ako ng medyo nasa ayos!

19 days to go. Whew.

Saturday, January 1

My Year 2005 Resolutions

What a way to welcome the new year...wala akong load! Hahahahaha!! Apologies to the last batch of people who texted me last night and this morning, can't reply...huu wawa naman si Juday. Hindi ako makabili ng load kasi...bawal daw gumastos sa unang araw ng taon! Hello?! Kasi daw isang buong year na magiging spender. Ngek, e di ba inevitable naman ang paggastos 'no? Hay naku! So, love and mwahs na lang to Tita Belle, Kace, Gerlan, Geela, Ate Jacque, Mzarriz, Vivian, Ariane, Andy, Kathy A., Kathy M., Kryzzle, Eiselle at sa owner nung 09183303926 (hehe pinost ko pa raw talaga, sori, dunno you eh). Okay, on to my real post.

:: Less Starbucks. I spent more than enough to satisfy my caffeine addiction. I am a recovering caffeine addict so bawas muna. Besides, mahal sya 'no. It so hapened na ito lang ang pinakaconducive na reading place for me. Well, there's Mocha Blends and Café Nescafe pero ang bottom line ng resolution na ito is to lessen my caffeine intake, so there.

:: Work harder. Hah, that is to presume that I work hard na. Ngek. Feeling ko hindi. It's been on top of my mind that there's no sufficient motivation para magdeliver ako ng maayos. At the back of my mind, I am open to the truth na ako ang walang drive sa trabaho, I fail (or refuse?) to see the potential in what I do, kung hahanapin ko lang, makikita ko yung areas for development na naghihintay lang ng action pero..nah...parang chemistry yan ng loveteam di ba? Hindi pinipilit, kusang lumalabas. Naku ha, humahaba na naman ang entry ko basta work-related. Bleh.

:: Enroll in a post-graduate course or any certificate class. I decided to forego my UP Open University application last year due to schedule constraints; I plan to push it through this year kaso eto nga, dumating yung training sched, I have to prioritize it tapos malapit na rin yung application deadline. I really don't want to plan things point by point, sana lang ma-squeeze ko itong training and application within the next four weeks para win-win sit di ba? Otherwise, I should enroll in a certificate course, mga 7 weeks lang yun, or in a language course. Anything to increase my learning.

:: Eat more vegetables. Even if it is like a broken record, veggies are good for me, I know. Bakit, I'm slowly learning to love green leafy vegetables naman ah? Nakakasurvive na ako ng caesar's salad for a meal, yung mga gulay sa nilaga ang sinigang, kinakain ko na rin...hindi ko pa lang kaya yung pinakbet at chopsuey. Oh please. Give me more time.

:: Read more books. Hah! I plan to topple my 51-book record in 2004. Not sure about the buying part kasi madami na naman akong naka-queue to be read. I just love it. Lock me up in a bookstore for a week (with food naman ha) and I won't feel a bit bored. Baka humingi pa ako ng extension, wehehe.

:: Go out more. This means going out with people, to meet new ones, to reconnect with old friends. It may conflict with my reading sched pero 365 days naman ang isang taon eh. Maybe I was conditioned lang na I'm not a real outdoor person kaya wala rin akong drive to go out (plus, magkaroon ka ba naman ng 9 pm curfew, uhmm...). Siguro I'm just lazy to get my ass up and literally go places. Another thing, hindi naman ibig sabihin ng lumalabas lagi eh super gastos. Proper management lang ng pera, hindi naman lahat nabibili eh (kasi nahihingi..haha!).

:: Engage in a sport. Corollary to going out more. Pwedeng sport, or kahit the good ol' gym session, pwede na. Anything to stretch my muscles and disturb my sleeping fats. I am thinking of street or belly dancing pa nga eh, if only I could find a class sched to suit my working hours. Ayoko naman mag-yoga kasi sa reading lang talaga ako nakakaconcentrate eh, yung oblivious na sa tao at bagay sa surroundings. Pag yoga baka matawa lang ako lagi.

:: Don't gossip. Okay, mahirap tlaga 'to gawin. Pero this year, keep my mouth shut more often. Kaya nga naimbento ang reaction na "uh-huh" di ba? Wala pa naman akong situation na pinagulo pero may ilang beses na oops..malapit na, buti na lang may konti akong alam sa damage control! Filter the words that come out of my mouth. Open my ears then ipunin lahat sa sarili ang mga nalalaman. Marunong naman ako nung sining ng mukhang inosente eh. It may actually do me more good pag ganun. Di baleng walang alam sa tsismis basta wag lang mapapagbintangang accessory. I am not a risk-taker so something like this should be workable for me.

:: Watch movies. I mean in theaters. Iba pa rin ang thrill ng nanonood sa sinehan di ba? I only watched 3 movies lang ata this year sa cinema house eh. Feng Shui, Now That I Have You atsaka Happy Together, hahahahahaha!!!!! Pero it does not mean na hindi na ako bibili ng pirated DVDs...syempre yung mga past films na hindi ko nga napanood, yun na lang ang bibilhin ko. I'll try hard to change the thinking na "Ayoko manood ng sine, iintayin ko na lang sa DVD". In lieu of a reading time, pwede namang gawin after office; depende sa film, it could provide relaxation na rin after a day's work di ba?

:: Save money. Now, this may seem contradictory to the plans I have above. Halos lahat yan nag-eentail ng gastos. Naku, dapat talaga nag-se-save!! I will learn to scrap the unnecessary spending, wag na bilhin yung mga bagay na obviously I CAN live without. Tita Beth told me na di ba when we have money, we spend tapos yung natira yun ang isesave? The opposite will work well daw; when you have money, save something na, preferably an amount na pang-ipon tlaga then work around the money na naiwan sa'yo. Yun na ang ibubudget mo and forget about what you saved unless you need it na. Kasi nga pag yung natitira ang isesave, you tend to spend it din dahil dun sa "hanggat may nakukuha sa wallet/bank account" mentality eh.

Whew, tough luck ba? Well, let's see in 12 months kung successful ba ako. Happy new year ulit!

HaPpY nEw YeAr!!

Welcome 2005! I watched an ad saying something about making this year YOUR (or MY) year. Let's see. Wow, another year has passed. A lot has happened. A lot. Even on the last few days of the year, something devastating happened but life goes on, as the cliché goes. As they say too, let's count our blessings! Frankly, I can say that I've had really more blessings last year (weird, it's only been two hours ago) and I can never thank God enough. My family is always on top of the good things I have year after year. Don't want to divulge further, it will make me so melodramatic. The rest are:

My (my familys' and friends') health. I've never been really sick this year though I had bouts of illness pero i was able to pull it off well. Ako pa. My Dad had been seriously sick twice but I'm glad he's doing okay. My Mom had bouts of fever and menopausal blues but in general, it's been okay. And so goes for the rest of my family and friends. Health is so important, uh-huh.

My job. I can rant about it all day but generally, I am really lucky compared to thousands of college graduates out there. I'll only be on my second year this month and I've reached what could probably be achieved by some in about five years. I said something about experiencing a plateau at some point, probably in the next five to seven years but it's okay. The promotion keeps on coming, the glitch is that I can't get it that easily, and I can only heave a big great sigh. See, in a nutshell, I've been promoted since April of 2003. I was then on a Grade 5 level (parang skul talaga) but unlike school accelerations, you can't move up to the next grade that easily. I was promoted to a Grade 7 position but because of what I said before this sentence, I had to "crawl' my way to that grade. You can only do that after a minimum of 52 weeks or one year (for some whose positions stay the same, they can only do a step increase in one year). So by simple Math, I had to wait for two freaking years to get to the grade commensurate with what I do. Time flew fast and I got to climb Grade 6 last January. Our former chief did me a "favor" and had me moved up by a step (a grade, by the way, has 12 steps), thus the Meritorious Step Increase in February (if you feel that I am not happy, fine, you can call me an ingrate, I won't mind). Then there was the computer-assisted job evaluation (known in State Dept. parlance as CAJE), where they reviewed our current job descriptions and a long overdue upgrade for our team was given. There was a personalized email sent by our current Deputy Chief saying that my position was upgraded to an (Grade) 8. I should be jumping for joy, right? But I'm not, the selfish, ingrate me. You know why? The rest of the people who got upgraded will "feel" the effect of the upgrade on the first pay period of the year, which is on Thursday. And I won't. I won't! It took three different people, with the same script, to explain to me that per State Department Regulations, an employee cannot move 2 grades within a year. They said that I know I will be promoted--no, not promoted, but I will get to Grade 7, per the effect of the April 2003 promotion and as such, I cannot receive the CAJE result grade as yet. Call me greedy, call me whatever you want. It will not do anything either for me or for the State because the rule stands. Oo nga naman, if you think of that Grade 7 then Grade 8 climb, theoretically, they're equivalent to 24 long years. Don't blame me if I muttered, "Syempre, gapang na naman!" when asked how I felt about my CAJE upgrade. Maybe I'm just bitter. Haha, frankly, it's not about the power it entails. I am not even a power-oriented person. What I'm feeling bad about is the monetary deprivation-- the "crawl" is not retroactive in terms of the pay!!! Sure, there's an Appeals Committee but the HR people "advised" me to just "crawl" because the committee takes forever to hear out those grievances. Wais talaga. But on the other end, do you think I should feel this way? That I feel shortchanged? You think this is the reason why I am online most of my office hours and fail to have passion with my work? What do you think? There are perks naman, yun na nga, yung high-speed net access, kahit madaming restrictions, and they even send you to trainings even if they will have you pledge that after that you have to serve the Federal government for the next five years...hay ewan. Let's leave this employment dilemma here because it's taking too much blog space. And oh, one last, thank you sa trabaho ko I can afford the luxuries I'm experiencing now, and luxury in Judith Octavo's world means buying many...

Books. My greatest passion. I read the most number of books this year in my entire life. Just before the clock struck 12 kanina, I finished my 51st book (I read The Five People You Meet In Heaven in one sitting, for an hour and a half!) and it was well, heaven. I also bought the most number of books this year (roughly around 167), though most of them were from Booksale. I plan to be diligent in reading next year, not quite sure about the buying part though.

Friends. I met a lot this year and by met it does not necessarily entail personally. Blame the shrinking global village crap, I am in touch with most of my online friends than my friends I personally know. It was not bad though, I got to expand my horizon din in some ways. A few friends left, though hindi naman yung total goodbye, a few got out of touch na talaga, a few reconnected, a few came by. Thank you for making this year worthwhile.

Starbucks. Well, I'm not really thankful for/about this, it's just that this year, "we" got to know each other very well. I spent most of my reading times in Starbucks Rob, moments when I got lost in space just reading and flipping page by page until, well, it was time to go home because it's getting late. I got to gauge my tolerance for caffeine and it brought me a cool planner.

Mar and Korina. Call me weird or what but not having a boyfriend probably flips you to liking a celebrity couple. Ewan ko, imbentong theory ko lang yan. Kumbaga kasi, you see in them what you want to see happen to you. Well, add to that the fact that they still remain mysterious even if they go out more publicly now, and the fact that it's not everyday you see a woman branded as the bitchest of bitches by almost everybody blush and get kilig by the slightest "Mar" provocation. We also swoon over men in their late forties get all romantic, defying stature and image (that's Mar, for one). Well, if things work out for the better for these two soon, like getting married and having babies, I don't know if I'll stop na...and go to others like...Carlo and Vivian!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!

This year has been good. I will even reap the effect of that "goodness" this year. I just hope that everything will be okay. Hehe. Okay is so vague, I will just leave it at that.

Next: My New Year's Resolutions (I already have a list but let me get some sleep because there might be more to add tomorrow)!!!