My one fearless bounce

2006-03-12T02:37:00.000+08:00

I temporarily moved to livejournal.

Click the icon to go there.

2006-03-06T21:10:00.000+08:00

day 1 down

i started this weekwith high hopes. sana lang wag mag-bzzzt soon enough ha. anyway, the regional conference started today and even if major snoozefest yung ibang presentation, the breakout session in the afternoon was great. i've long tried na pigilan ang pagiging epal sa mga conferences na ganyan pero if there is something na alam kong worthy naman malaman ng iba, gumo-go naman ako. sa trabaho namin, it's a treat meeting colleagues from other countries. bukas talaga pipilitin ko naman makapunta yung 2 sa amin. ewan ko ba kasi bakit parang tindahan ng alimango sa office eh. syemre walang aamin pero it's reeking of, "lugi naman, kung pupunta sya, bakit kami hindi...so kung hindi makakapunta yung iba, wag nalang lahat". again, wala namang aamin pero ganun yun eh. ako wala na ako pede ireklamo dahil yung limang araw ng conference, sinabihan na akong pupunta, pero iba yung sukdulan tlagang madamot. hindi ako ganon. gusto ko kung anong nakikita ko, makikita din ng iba. kasi syempre pag nagkuwentuhan later, walang makakarelate sa akin kung ipagdadamot ko yung opportunity di ba?

well, masaya naman ang unang araw ng conference na bumabaha ng libreng matapang na kape, kahit no-host lunch ang drama nya. masakit naman tanggapin na hindi na rin dapat ako manloko na 20/20 ang vision ko dahil ang obviously, hindi na. masama ang loob kong tumingin sa mga salita sa projector screen na para na lang mga dikit-dikit na overcooked noodles. masaya naman, sa kabilang banda, makinig sa experiences ng mga kasamahan mo sa ibang bansa. no offense, pero tlagang ang laki pala ng abante natin sa ibang bansa sa pagsasalita ng english. given na maraming nag-va-vanishing act na mga salita sa isang sentence, naiintindihan naman kasi keywords yung natitira. mahirap tlaga pag yung mismong salita hindi mapronounce ng maayos kasi ang dila eh bound ng kasanayan sa sarili nilang wika. anyway, hindi naman yun ang mahalaga. ako eh naintindihan ko naman yung kinuwento nila kahit admittedly, nakitawa ako don sa ibang parts kasi lang tumawa din yung iba kahit wala naman akong naintindihan.

narealize ko din na wala akong kuwentang magbenta ng pilipinas. kausap ko yung isang kasama namin galing bangkok, at kung ako eh maraming nasabi sa kanya tungkol sa lugar nya dahil galing ako dun nung isang buwan, nung ako tinanong nya kung saan sila pwedeng maglibang ng anak nyang 8 years old...hala wala akong nasabing pedeng puntahan. eh kasi may compulsory tour na sila sa intramuros at ibang bahagi ng maynila. akalain nyo bang banggitin ko ang manila zoo. manila zoo? hindi paglilibang ang madadama mo doon eh. awa! madudurog ang puso mo sa kalagayan ng mga hayop doon. eh kahit doon sa kinder zoo nila mabibitin ka pa rin...at isa pa, maayos ang zoo sa kanila sa bangkok! nag-sugggest pa ako na mag-venture out naman sila sa makati...uhm, oo mismong mga american bosses namin na rin ang nagsabi na okay tlaga dito ang malls pero errng...kakakuwentuhan din lang pala namin kung gaano rin kaganda ang mga bagong malls nila don! tanga tlaga. kasi naman syempre top-of-mind answers yon. hindi ko na naisip na, "pumunta ka sa bohol!" o di kaya, "yung mga world heritage edifices sa ilocos, puntahan nyo!" kasi baka naman sagutin ako ng, "kaya ko bang gawin yan ng 3 hours, balikan?"

bahala na,babawi na lang ako sa ibang araw na makikita ko sila. bukas, bagong pakikibaka na naman. balik trabaho. sige na, tinatanggap ko na, i'm fated to do this until dumapo ang isang mariposa (atsaka ko gagayahin ang ginawang pag-amin ni rustom padilla).

kaya ako ganito kasi kakatapos ko din lang basahin ang stainless longganisa ni bob ong. ako eh never nag-expect salahat ng libro nya kaya wala akong masasabi na maganda o pangit. basta sa bawat pagsarado ko ng librong sinulat nya, lalo na itong huli, napapasabi ako sa sarili ko na, "oo nga ano?" ay, basta. mahal ko na si bob.

~
congratulations nga pala kay philip at kay reese! di ko na kayo napanood. salamat din kay cece kasi walang patumangga ang oscar's updates nya (tinamad na rin akong panoorin yung re-run sa channel 9 at star world eh, napanood ko na naman kasi yung red carpet interview at pag-present ng award ni jennifer aniston).

2006-03-05T17:24:00.000+08:00

return of the judie :)

i've been sooo busy but i loved every minute of it. of course, ngayon ko na lang narerealize 'yon. i am thinking that maybe i need to seize moments as they come pero in a way that will not appear na i started so many stuff pero i never get to finish many of them. you probably know in my past entries na that's what i've been probably doing in my life.

~

i am appreciating work now, i don't know why. but it does not mean that i love it, i don't wanna leave; iba yon. it's like accepting na finally that this is what i've been doing, is currently doing, and would be doing until i find something that would make me feel na i could be better on that side. mahirap magmalaki kasi nung wala ka namang fall back. sure, i can rant over and over about how wretched my life in the office is...pero kung paalisin ako, saan ako pupulutin di ba? considering na i'm not a real risk-taker. .---> which reminds me of my long overdue coffee talk with my friend. ewan ko ba, ang dami kong friends who want to talk about work stuff...talaga kayang ganito? is this what monica geller said to rachel green na "welcome to the real world...it sucks...you're gonna love it!"? i am seeing now na ang daling mag-advice pero pag ie-execute mo na for yourself, iba na. mahirap na sya. anyway, i really want to assure my friend na it will be okay pero hell, how would i know??? or maybe i shouldn't...ipagpatuloy na lang yung assurance na sabay na lang kami along with his other friends, and especially the love of his life, to tread that risk path. he's just having his "moment" of uncertainty, of wanting to get out...and i'm not (fully yet). if only for that, i should feel fine and be responsible enough for friends who feel so. anyway, i'm sure naman if it's my turn to have that real "moment", alam ko naman andyan din sila. yay, super dramatic.

so far, yung mga nag-transpire in the past weeks made me see na real world na nga ito. it's not that i haven't realized it before pero siguro naeexperience ko na kasi eh. medyo chaotic sa office and yung real bosses are not really expected to care the extra mile as long as our day-to-day production is okay, under their supervision. iba kasi ang level ng office politics sa pilipinas, talagang dominated sya emotional sensitivity. mahirap naman gawin tlaga yung "leaving your issues in the office" pero kung talagang gusto, mukha namang workable. i've had my share of being pointed at to cause a boss' disappointment ("ikaw pa, judith, sa lahat ng tao dito, ikaw ang huli kong ineexpect na gagawa ng ganun sa akin" -- oh well, siguro dumating na sa "huli", ginawa ko na eh. gets?). sure, i may have done some form of insubordination there pero siguro i stood by it kaya hindi ko na rin pwedeng sisihin ang sarili ko. now i know that you should not say sorry all the time, no matter how "unchristian" it appears to be. pag hindi bukal sa loob mo, wag mong sabihin. leave it at that. in a workplace, it's perhaps ideal to aim for harmonious co-existence...dahil yung "one loving family" relationship sa office eh hindi talaga pwede sa anything beyond a 5-person workplace.

i've had the pleasure of being the leader for about two months. mahirap, sobrang toxic, pero now that it's over (oh well, at least until our new supervisor learns the ropes), frankly, i'm gonna miss it. it's fun to boss people around. hahaha!!! ewan ko nga if time will turn back when open pa ulit yung vacancy for the slot, kung mag-aapply ba ako. anyway, it's done na so i guess i should simply take pleasure for the stint. it's not as if i'll be back to doing mundane work; i am second in line naman. plus it will give me more time to focus on schooling (more on that later) and work on other portfolios (so, plural talaga).

the new supervisor will start tomorrow. i don't know what to expect...i've heard stuff na she's mabait naman, she's okay to work with. pero syempre you can't brush off anxiety and giddy expectations. frankly, on top of my head is the idea na she would feel disappointed upon finding out how and what the job really is. hindi naman sya masama pero in truth, sa umpisa lang sya super exciting, especially if you're an outsider, kasi there are bazillions of things to learn! i don't know, i may be pre-judging her...maybe this is the type of work she wants to do (clue: if you wanna slow things down in your life!)...maybe this impression is just from us, yung mga twenty somethings who are still idealistic. part of this anxiety also is my own little snooping (courtesy of google) about her credentials. a celebrity in her own right, a civic worker, a TOWNS awardee no less...oh man, i really don't know. siguro nga i should not feel or expect things for her. let her realize it for herself. kasi if she really finds na this situation is what she needs after all those years of being up and about in the society...then i should be happy di ba? malamang ilan nga lang siguro sa amin ang nag-iisip na the pasture is way greener somewhere.

~

hay, next week naman will be hell dahil sa sabay-sabay na gagawin; usual work, yung regional conference, continue stepping up habang the new supervisor is still orienting herself, my grad school application (at ang heart-wrenching nostalgia as i stepped back on the grounds of UP after almost 4 years), renewed family (or let's say, clan) activities (ang happy tlaga nung ang daming tao...for once, naenjoy ko sya! more on this later, too), and dvd marathons (more on this when i have time naman. let me just say i love my friend doris so much).

2006-02-22T22:07:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I thought there's gonna be another big rally. I haven't seen one in a long time. I kinda miss it :) Seriously, I support the cause.

TV say: I watched Prison Break last night. It was promising. Familiar faces, like John Doe, that teacher in Boston Public and the lead in one The Twilight Zone episode I watched for 4 times when I was sick and was in bed. :) Of course that's just how I was reminded of them, I am more excited to see how the whole show would unfold.

I also watched, after a frustrating day (but that an entirely different story), american idol...back-to-back. Yes, I think there was no StarNews Asia and Friends. I wonder if that will be the case tomorrow and on Friday. Oh well, all 12 female contenders sang and my early favorites did well. Simon said that 4 contestants stood out that night and Katharine McPhee was the best of them. I kinda agree but I think it would have to be Lisa Tucker for me. I think too that the four singers he meant were Mandisa, Paris, Lisa and Katharine (in order of appearance). I could be wrong but based on his comments, the 4 stood out naman talaga. Apart from the four, I also like Ayla, Brenna (I just love the spunk!) and Kinnik. I am excited to see how the guys would do tomorrow!

Work stuff: A big bowl of crap. The associate chief editor has reminded us to keep our emotions in check and leave each and every personal angst at the office door. Well, it's one hell of a task if what makes you angsty and annoyed is in the office! Yes, we're talking about a person :) Hay, I dunno until when I can endure this. Maybe I ought to stick it out and fight na parang tooth for a tooth or something like that. I just hate scheming people kasi. If I can't love my job, just do what is expected of me, and be thankful for the salary. Yun na lang. Better to watch TV at home. Mamamatay din sya. Este yung incident pala. Who knows.

~
Plus, things come to me that made me happy.

My VF issue finally came! The photos were amazing! You can check out www.justjared.com for scans of the inside pages. I loved Dakota Fanning's classic shot. The others are awesome, too. A collector's item :)

A gift from Powerbooks. My letter was editor's pick for their magazine's (Read) current issue. Just wrote something cheesy then voila! :) It's not as if I so wanna have this but pwede na rin. Have I told you that I don't like the endings of Dan Brown's books? And that I don't own a copy of The Da Vinci Code? i plan to buy one, though. Feeling ko lang it will still be talked about in twenty or thirty years and i wanna show my future kids my own copy of the book from my time. :) Pero saka na lang.

Yay, let's have a yabang moment :) This is a beanie baby which is supposedly from the office of the President (of the U.S., obviously). I got this as a gift because I got a perfect score in a course that our whole unit took for almost 4 months. We had the exam before the end of the year then the test papers were faxed over to FSI (Foreign Service Institute) in VA. Our boss then picked up the results when she went there for training then she carried a story that she mentioned to State Department Secretary Condi Rice that someone from Manila got a perfect score in the exam...thus the token from the State Department. I dunno if it's true, and I'm not saying din naman that our boss concocted this story but...syempre blushing moment! Humility aside, I'm proud of myself. See, kaya ko naman pala. Much as I regret having to perpetually say, "I could have done better" when I was in school, I try to motivate myself by thinking of the fact that I used to be very good at this (studying and topping exams...yeah). Minsan I would have to face the truth that I might be too rusty and beyond repair, but nothing is really certain, is there? Well, my friends did well in the test also, they're almost perfect! Ano ba kasi yung question number 8 na yun eh! Nevertheless, it just goes to show, we're... yeah, good :)

Zoom!

2006-02-22T17:06:00.000+08:00

There are just so many things to do.

I still have less than two hours but I hope to get home in time to catch what could be or could not be another historical event.

Be calm. Be vigilant. Be updated.

2006-02-19T23:28:00.000+08:00

semi-back

I'm surviving. :)

It's been a week and yes, I am still on an extended break. A lot has happened and I really felt urges to write them down a minute after they unfolded. Eventually, the urges dropped faster than I can open the "Compose" page so they all went to my office notebook-slash-doodle pad during meetings-slash-journal scratch pages. I currently have five pages full of thoughts about the films I watched, my thoughts on recent office happenings, spoon handles in taxis, cleaning up in coffee shops, girly bars beside fellowship halls, my faster reading pace, my being so plump(ier) again, Friends re-runs, EVAT, killing someone who says bad things about my mother, and George.

I was incommunicado for the whole of yesterday, too, because my phone broke down. Much as I regret switching to Globe because of their poor signal, I am amused by their updated texts and missed calls list provided to you when your phone was off.

I am supposed to scan more pages of this magazine, which I promised a yahoo groupmate, email my sister, increase the number of my posts in the Friends forum, and read blogs but I don't want to anymore. Enough for today.

Off to go to watch Nip/Tuck (my very first) instead. Prison Break premieres on the Crime/Suspense channel (50) tomorrow at 10 pm. ETC has another Friends rerun on Sundays at 7 pm. Haven't watched Bones (Tams!) pa.

I observed that more things happened to me when I went on blog leave. Or maybe not. Maybe I just focused on blogging each of them, failing to see the other events happen because I was busy typing. I don't know. But things have turned quite a bit harsher and it was more eventful, just last week alone. I wonder what's gonna happen in the weeks to come.

Oh shoot, Nip/Tuck, yeah. I am five minutes late. See you whenever!

2006-02-12T19:36:00.000+08:00

i will rest for a while.

while waiting for mom a while ago in a bookshop, i found myself wanting to devote more time to reading the books and magazines i bought (and borrowed). it's probably an illness of sorts that i tend to collect and collect books and magazines without even reading them. i should start picking them up and browsing the pages, although as it is, i have 5 or 6 books unfinished all stacked in my bedside table.

i felt i should give up blogging for a while because this is the only time-consuming activity that could take the backseat, given my set of priorities.

as i go on "blog leave", let me share to you my wishlist. i intend to have all of them soon, and read or watch them hopefully in this lifetime :) if any of you can help me secure any of them, particularly the dvds, please...email me :) hopefully when i regain the interest to blog, i have all of them already.

Sophie's Choice (William Styron)
An Instance of the Fingerpost (Iain Pears)
The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-First Century (Thomas L. Friedman)

Kar Wai Wong's 2046
Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange
Kar Wai Wong's Chungking Express
Robert Altman's Gosford Park
Kaige Chen's Farewell, My Concubine
Miguel Arteta's The Good Girl

Jennifer Aniston's Vanity Fair May 2001 and September 2005 cover issue

Vanity Fair March 2003 (Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, etc.)

Vanity Fair June 2003 (with Amanda Bynes, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen, Mandy Moore, Hilary Duff, Alexis Bledel, etc)

and kasi feeling ko cute lang kaya i've been wanting to have this:

~*~*~*

2006-02-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

the end of the affair

hopefully, my decade-long affair with laziness and insecurity end today. they are twins and for the longest time i cannot separate myself from them. i want a divorce. no alimony necessary. i just want to change.

*this is what a fever on a work day does to you.*

***

I can't wait for the March issue of Vanity Fair. I haven't even finished reading my January issue and haven't flipped a page of this month's. Naomi Watts and Lindsay Lohan could probably wait because there will be a total barrage of more interesting people next month.

Signing off temporarily,

Grinning Shiela the Queen of Bondi Beach

2006-02-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

turn the tv on and be happy

i didn't kick ass during the conference, alright. i was respectable, i say.

i wanted to go home immediately to escape from it all. i finally watched Lost, as in my first whole episode. then i've seen "the one with ross' tan" in Friends for the third time this week, second to this is "the one where ross is fine". guess Star World is playing with the start of the 10th season. if any of those two will be shown tonight at 11p.m. again, i'm going crazy. well, not really but i'm not just gonna watch. btw, what's the name of the female anchor of Star News Asia? she looks like Maggie Wheeler a.k.a. Janice (of Friends, sorry!). finally the AI auditions are over (and i'm glad my dinner date with the gang was postponed so i can catch the first night in hollywood screening!). i have been seeing plugs for Prison Break. was told it's a nice serial. i can't wait for it. channel 50 is getting better, even if i feel bad they lessened Murder, She Wrote airtimes. i am watching Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition. yeah, i do. they're getting interesting now but not all of them. i am rooting for Bianca Gonzales, initially. then this Zanjoe guy is so cute and Mich Dulce is entertaining---kinda see a bit of myself in her, literally and figuratively. i caught Dong Puno's Viewpoint after a long time. why has the stampede got blown out of proportion? this is just too much. let them rest in peace. be accountable and let them rest in peace. some people can't just live another day without having to say something about an issue like this. and oh, three boring night in bangkok without cable tv got me into watching chinese shows now. even if i hell don't understand a thing they are saying-- i am amused! i get the storyline by watching anyway. i'm a regular of channels 58 and 62 now. try it, it's fun. now i wish we can get a real bollywood channel on cable, too (as in beyond Koffee with Karan?). i found myself missing those singing and dancing routines.

*work shouldn't take over your life. lying on your bed flipping channels can be immeasurably pleasant, it does a hell of a job cleansing your soul.

whatever.

2006-02-08T10:03:00.000+08:00

...i just had a thought.

the associate editor had her way and went ahead with her version of the plan and subtly made a round on THE hub (which i pretentiously occupied, remember?). she must have hated the idea that i am there. because honey, i look good in there. hah! i believe i really do. it fits me. i fit it. it's all good. i can be better than you someday, you...you..you! in fact (*twirls hair*), you just have more experience but i am better than you are. at least i don't engage in character assasination like you do, that's why your other antagonists do the same to you.

let's all go eat french fries, shall we?

2006-02-08T08:34:00.000+08:00

...and then it goes.

What do you know, apart from the e-mail, I received a call again from the associate editor reminding me NOT to do it again. Okay, I get it, I'm not dumb. I just wonder if my very pregnant pause will lead to something worse. A pause that I believe should be filled in by a resounding "sorry". I did not do it. I just said, "Okay. Bye." Might as well not say it if you do not mean it than continuously feed one's ego by saying so. Sorry is the worst word in the world.

So, my day is already ruined. I can't promise but I will kick asses later this afternoon in the conference because of this. I so hate it when something obviously understood is being rammed in my face just so I would obey.

If I said it once that I understood, it means I did. My evil bones tend to disobey if something is constantly reminded to me over and over again.

2006-02-08T08:11:00.000+08:00

Karma comes via overnight delivery.

It must be the pompous assumption that I will enjoy gripping THE seat that an hour after the close of business yesterday, I was balked at for subtle insubordination. It's something trivial that you will look like a total idiot if you try to defend yourself and be angry to death. There was apparently a mistake on my part, something I didn't even recognize. The moral of the story? Do not bypass (if you "forgot", you're busted) your associate editor who controls the key to the vault of your performance evaluation.

Now THE seat makes me uncomfortable.

~
P.S. It's someone special's birthday today. Sheesh, the height of my madness.

2006-02-06T22:14:00.000+08:00

i, ambitious wretch.

i discovered that i am a superficial career...person. now i lust after my ex-editor's desk, it being my self-appointed sanctuary for a little while now. my own hub was cleaned free of countless unimaginable dirt, all right, but i still won't leave THE desk, joking that i want to get the feel of it. a real wretch. i admit to getting all pretentious and pompous because i really like the idea of a bigger table, having enough space whenever i turn. it's not about the position title, people. it's about the space you own. your own domain. *evil grin*

seriously, as i tread the polluted streets of manila every night on my way home, i try to confirm with myself if i regret that i did not apply to fill in THE seat. there's got to be a reason why i get all whiny inside with the thought of THE desk becoming occupied by someone else again. is it because i am slowly getting used to this temporary "filling in"? am i liking the power-tripping that goes with it, i.e., toying with who to forward what case, much to the dread of three wonderful people? the idea of having to give the "approval", no matter how mundane the activity is? i still have roughly around 25 work days before THE space becomes unavailable--and only holy cows know until when it would stay that way. i thought, factors that led me to not go for THE desk are still on the horizon: frustrating office politics (lowlife style) and impending studies. nothing's changed in that aspect, unless the very core of it did: i now want it. i can't answer that now. and even if i do and it gears toward the "i want it after all" side...it's too late. then again, no one knows. i may just be itching for a bigger work area, especially after seeing that someone has a rather big cube of his own. i'm a normal human being after all...salivating for what you saw that gave you a sudden envy rush without thinking ahead if it will fit you anyway.

for now, i am not to give up THE desk, no matter what they say. let me get tired of it until the first week of march. i will.

in addition, THE desk could help me reverse what could be a lasting impression. see, i think it was the third time this year (this early, yes) that our super publisher caught me yakking and yakking. he must be thinking, "this fat girl is not doing anything but yak." well, it's about one-third true. so apart from actually working more seriously (THE desk, remember, THE desk!), i resolve to carry a case file with me when i feel like blabbing to my staff. it's a very professional way of making chismis during office hours. the ability to insert an office jargon as soon as the door opens is definitely an asset that should be honed for life.

already second in command, i should be satisfied, shouldn't i? after all, i was offered to lead but turned it down. other openings are looming and i may need to do coin-tossing a hundred times before jumping into them. if the others won't pay as much or better, and if i won't have my version of THE desk, then i should just try to be happy where i am. see, it's not about that dignity crap and fulfillment hullabaloos, really.

it's about the MONEY and THE desk. *wipes drool*

i bet my emotional quotient dropped way too low tonight.

2006-02-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

taking it easy

i am taking it easy. it's hard to explain if you do not want others to fully understand it in the first place. particularly if it's as personal as an agreement between yourself and...yourself. i realized i am doing things impulsively and while i feel satisfied (i think), i thought of going to the other end of the "metaphorical tunnel" and take each thing easy as it comes. kumbaga, relax lang. alalay lang. i could seize more moments this way.

no more focusing on one thing at a certain moment, virtually forgetting the others. try everything that's there because honestly, this lifetime isn't enough to experience them all. no more trying to make my presence felt all the time just to let others know that "i am there". no more trying to relay everything that i know just so others would know that i do.

in short, i have to learn to be secure with myself. never mind if i become a person on the backseat. never mind if people do not see that i know many things about a lot of stuff (not that i do, i mean, only about specific stuff of interest). what's important is that i am here, i know stuff, and i enjoy them. it's not written anywhere that i have to be transparent as it all the more makes me prone to insecurity, arrogance and envy all at the same time (see, you probably don't see it in me. uhm, do you?).

life is short, as evidenced by tragic events and natural deaths. i could regret it in my grave reviewing everything i did and finding out that i experienced many things by dipping my finger into them... but not finishing practically most of them.

it could be the reason why at the end of the day, i still feel incomplete. it's good i realized it this early.

2006-02-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

short stuff

i saw carol banawa for about two seconds on american idol. per pex, it was indeed her but she didn't get in.

my favorite video clip lately is jennifer aniston's skit in saturday night live in '04 where she
played a paparazzi with amy poehler. it was so hilarious especially when the "razzi" her was bashing "jennifer aniston" on the red carpet. so funny.

i am going to watch memoirs of a geisha next friday courtesy of leahmay's invite. mamie and edith invited us though for the black history month show that same day albeit earlier. my friday nights are kinda moving, no matter how...uhm... un-outgoing it appears. at least.

erwin has a girlfriend! i was supposed to tell him about someone he used to text but i just said i'm happy for him coz he finally snagged his neighbor. hahaha. i so miss the guy. he gets what i'm trying to say by just giving him a blank face (J: oh, i am a fan of Friends now. E: friends? J: *blank stare while hand acts as if it's trying to explain* E: *wonders aloud* Ah...Friends. okay, okay.). plus, he is one of the very few people of the opposite sex whom i can show the real me. the palengkera, shallow and matakaw me. all that and more without hesitations. hoy, manlibre ka na next week. wala ka nang rason para hindi kami pakainin.

chelli called and said 'hi' to everyone who had been her colleagues and at the same time my still unfortunate co-workers until now.

i cleaned up my phone inbox. i totally forgot why i am keeping more than 180 messages from someone from last year. kagulat. i must have been crazy keeping even a mere" psst" or "i'm home na" text, parang, huh? but before erasing them all, of course, i found myself smiling. last year was kinda fun. i wouldn't have traded it for anything. it was good, it's just that this year's probably better. and yes, sobrang natatawa tlaga ako. imagine ang messages ng ibang tao, yung mga heartwarming forwarded quotes from people na hindi ko nai-save just to keep them? nge. medyo mabilis na ulit ang phone ko ngayon.

tonight's AI audition was kinda boring compared to last night's in vegas. one funny quote: "whatever happened in vegas...goes to my website!!!" (the guy got in; he was the gondola...uhm...driver? i dunno what's it called!).

friday. friday na naman. friday na agad.

2006-02-01T18:00:00.000+08:00

would you believe?

that i'm down to three to four sane screws bolted in my head to hold my sanity together. i'm going crazy in no time if i continue to be so understaffed. pakshet talaga, hindi na ito makatao. i must have answered gazillions of letters addressing different nonimmigrant effing visa issues. at ang tao ko, palaging 2 lang o 3. pero wa-i choice ang beauty ni judie. go pa rin :<

seeing wency made me happy! a relief. see, ganyan ako ka-lousy ngayon, ang caliber ni wency eh nagpapasaya na saken. hahaha. hay nako. we have to talk, pare. seriously. tungkol dun kay ano. isa pang pakshet yon. *smirks*

i still have not recovered financially. even if nothing's changing with my pay statement, it's still a consolation to see it, especially yung "net pay" na line (well, pati yung "leave balance" but can you even attempt to think to take one, given this situation? hmp.). what's worse, when i break down what i'll receive, parang pulubi na ako, huhuhu. isa pa nga: pakshet (i'm starting to love this word. i heard it from Em last friday and from Rach last Saturday. hehe.)

i miss bangkok. hala, ayan na. i was terribly upset for a time when i was there pero habang tumatagal, i'm starting to think that i really missed a lot dahil super nag-inarte sa melancholy ang drama ko. i didn't even take much pics! when i see other's bkk pics, i feel so inggit. hay. i'm going back there. and you know what? kahit walang kasama ulet, okay na ko. hmph.

citibank hasn't cleared my check. it's ruining my financial plan. naks, kala mo ang extensive. but it is. i'm so tempted to use the money na!!!! brrr!!! ma-clear ka naaaaaa!!!!!

it's 6 p.m. and i'm not done working. there are jillions of things to do pa.

pakshet.

2006-01-29T18:58:00.000+08:00

messed up

my friend carolina sent me a text message all the way from malaysia (although i believe she's just somewhere in quezon city, sorry dear). she said, "i am so happy. an orgasm is the best thing that could happen to you on a bleak sunday afternoon." gah. no, she's not had what you're thinking. she's more virgin than i am, haha. she's talking about something else. although at the back of my mind, i am toying with the idea of literally having what she had. haha, i'm such a...carnivore? hahaha! *wink*

i am so messed up, and would continue to be one starting tomorrow. i feel like floating forever. i raided ukay ukay shops again without thinking if i will be able to wear what i bought in the first place. i bought bookmarks. i bought magazines. i bought a pirated copy of cake and city of god. and i bought the second volume of the great political theories. haaaa, neat, eh? i don't know why i did those things. i am floating again.

yesterday, i found out that rachel also loves jennifer aniston. so fun. :) i'm on a roll lately catching up on what this woman has been doing for the past decade and a half. i am a total latebloomer of a...fan. while i get smirks and scoffs over this fan thing, it's something that i can't avoid. i'm sure those who have been or is a fan of some celebrity would understand. like, did f4 fans instantly like the boys (well, they were practically boys then!) when meteor garden started airing? i guess not. it's something that just came one day, like after watching an episode. with me, i noticed it's a "reviving" thing. like when i so liked kris aquino and korina sanchez ;) see, they had morning girls and i practically recorded each and every episode everyday for 16 months but i can trace the fascination back when i was in grade school during their hoy gising days, when i thought being a newscaster is the greatest career one can have. i stopped liking them because i moved on to other stuff only to watch them one day and get all interested once again. the same thing happened to jen and the cast of friends. i was all but 13 when i started watching them every wednesday on ABC 5. i followed them for two seasons until, well, i forgot about them and moved on to another (ally mcbeal). when i was idling my saturday afternoons four months ago watching their classic episodes on etc, i just realized i missed so much i better catch up. which i did, and i have been so busy ever since ;) i found an A-1, super amazing all-about-Friends-and-more website so i forget about a lot of things lately :) i've been sleeping around 3 a.m. on weekends, downloading and watching past episodes of oprah, SNL, ellen, et, larry king live, TTS with jay leno, LN with conan o'brien, gag reels, and many more. i am so grateful i am on wifi now.

so i'm still messed up. bear with it. off to download more stuff.

bye.

oh, a mosquito *snap*.

2006-01-28T22:53:00.000+08:00

used up

had only 5 hours of sleep. watched rumor has it. so-so film but it's what i need on a supposed rest day. rachel hinted that she's so bored. i decided to meet her at G4. we ate at cibo while talking about our respective trips for two hours. i went with her to have her taiwan pics transferred. had coffee and chocolate cake and talked about our bosses and colleagues, petty job complaints, f4, eric tu, machi and her deranged friend. window shopped. browsed what's showing in G4 and ended up going to G1 to watch...tadaa..don't give up on us. i'm on the edge of being penniless so rachel treated me, haha.

on it's third week of run in theaters, piolo and judy ann's movie probably deserves to be a box office hit. of course it still has a lot of loose ends (as with rumor has it) but unless there's a perpetual best of the best quality film festival going on, this movie could pass as a great stress reliever. it's funny, it's light, it's kilig. rachel and i were gushing in all the right moments, hehehe!!!

after seeing the movie, it made me think if i don't really want to have someone with me right now. well, it's true that no matter how much you want something if there's none available, then it won't really happen. however, i realized that maybe, a little part of all of us forever wants that cute feeling involved in giving and receiving affection to and from someone. sometimes, adults overdo it and tend to go all carnal and intimate, which could also be considered (above) normal. most of the time, cheesy gestures can really melt my heart. *sigh*

on the other hand, rachel and i both agreed while in the theater that the "i'll go with you because i love you/you should go with me to prove that you love me" compromise isn't all the time for the best. maybe it's because both of us do want to achieve something and having to encounter someone like piolo's character who dreams, say, "simple things", can be a bit of a hassle. maybe we can say this now because we haven't really gone into that moment of having to choose. who knows? (but i hope we won't. )

we went home just as the mall is preparing to close. it was fun. it was a rather productive saturday.

and oh, rachel also gave me rayan's pasalubong-slash-birthday gift. nuxx, kenneth cole croc wallet. friend, is that you? then he said may part 2 pa. sana croc bag na. woohoo :) joke!

to end, let me just share something mushy that i can't get over it :

"I am not here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to." - Sarah Huttinger (Rumor Has It)

2006-01-27T23:53:00.000+08:00

literalpanicblingbling25pictures

after a very tiring 11-hour workday, i conditioned myself to meet with my highschool BFFs :) two were missing-in-action but it was fantastic nonetheless. one of the many things i thought of during my irrational hiatus is my often-denied need to reconnect and stay in touch with people from my past.

it was a very warm dinner at caffe milano. by the way, the food had quite gone down, quality-wise. when we ate there for lunch probably a year ago, it was sooo good. the second one was just satisfactory and tonight, well, it has become an ordinary italian dining place to me (but the ambience was still great). i insisted we get my favorite pizza corea (four types of cheese, salami, italian beef) but i was disappointed with their ravioli d' (something). for one, i've been used to raviolis that are square-shaped (well, i grew up having raviolis straight from a can, haha). theirs looked more like big elbow-shaped macaronis, in red sauce and ricotta cheese, and the beef inside each ravioli (raviolette? hehe.) was elllllll....the texture of the beef was a bit uncomfortable inside the mouth. llll.

anyway, more than the food, i was thrilled to hear the things i've missed about my friends' lives, and of people we know. neds' boyfriend was there but of course was still too shy to co-bash the universe with us (he, btw, ranked 4th in the recent dentistry licensure exam, and neds passed, too! congrats!). see, living away from them had me wanting a barrage of updates about a lot of things, people and events. i've been away for almost eight years! time wasn't enough because their lives and mine alone, dinner time wouldn't suffice.

in sum, our lives are eventful and good. lyndsey even had a "brief" lovelife...well, it was a shock when she was making kuwento about the guy because since time immemorial, she never had that. i shared my own foolish exploits last year but compared to what she went through, mine was okay. ang bottomline, she's only about 85% healed while i can proudly say i completely am. as in. in a way, may similarities sa circumstances, but i guess those stuff made the experience more...ah...realistic?

over coffee, we started fooling around like we used to in highschool. some good things never do change. there are actions that no matter how old you get, you still feel naturally comfortable doing especially when with people that you know know you inside out. all of a sudden nga lang, the thought of striking 25 made us wonder. well, i just turned 24 and in our group, my bestfriend em is the first among us who will turn 25 in august. that's what i told her naman...sa august pa. pero kahit na daw. she'll be 25...and it will only be a couple of months after that na each of us will turn 25, too. em and lynds were particularly a bit bothered...especially with their personal lives. neds is happily attached to robert, si tzai is, as far as i know, happy with her life, and lizette, whom i have not seen in a while eh happy din. then there's moi, who i said na masaya din naman. hah, easy for me to say but like what i told them, even if i'm single, hindi ko naman nararamdaman yung nafifeel nila. wanna know why? because last year, my heart has been through a hell of an emotional exercise. i have no one beside me pero like a machine, parang it was used, therefore has been oiled sufficiently to weather its usage, kahit hindi naman technically nagkaroon ng production, parang ganon.

in truth, i don't feel as pressured with life as i had been two years ago. i could probably panic when i reach my thirties...or not. well, i opened myself to dating naman, as my friends did open themselves as well. in fact, i'm not really into it seriously pero kung may ipapa-date naman sa akin, preferably yung type ko na na chubby at please, sana naman yung may sense kausap at hindi masyado self-centered. but i'm not looking, hahaha!!! i'm even more concerned with how to have the time to download all pertinent Friends videos through the years, and how safe it is to use limewire :)

i maybe 24 but now i realize that life isn't to be taken in a rush. savor each moment, take it slow sometimes, because there are too many things to look at, experience, think about.

and there will be countless moments worth to be captured:

two blurred images of us, girls. robert&neds, the two new dentists. the happy couple with lynds. em and i goofing around with the breads. em and lynds getting wacky with my lariats. sticking out my tongue. was too busy straining my neck to stare at the lady's book holder behind me.

2006-01-23T21:53:00.000+08:00

distracted

i'm all ready to blog about BKK when i was distracted again by my new downloads of the Oprah episodes where she had the cast of Friends (Nov '03 and May '04) and "The Stuff You've Never Seen Before" episode with Conan O'Brien in 2001. they're just so cool to watch; i even teared on some parts. hayyy...still on my number 1 fan mode! :)

i'm sure this has been posted a lot already but let me post an excerpt of the news again:

Seminal sitcom FRIENDS is returning to television after each of its six stars agreed multi-million dollar deals to star in four one-hour specials.

In a secret meeting before Christmas (05), JENNIFER ANISTON, COURTENEY COX, LISA KUDROW, MATT LeBLANC, DAVID SCHWIMMER and MATTHEW PERRY reportedly agreed a $5 million (GBP2.7 million) apiece deal with NBC bosses in Los Angeles.

Scriptwriters have already started penning lines for the four double episodes, which are due to air next year (2006).

great, great news that i hope pushes through. i know it was jennifer aniston who was the last to agree. i personally think that a reunion show can be fitting after, like, 5 years. but what the heck, it's been 2 years by the time it hopefully airs so what's 3 years short? :) a lot has missed them so much!

off to download gag reels now...

(bituing walang ningning is showing now on cinema one. haha.)

2006-01-22T01:02:00.000+08:00

sawasdee!

i'm back. i have so many mixed feelings about this trip i can't begin to write them down. well, i know what i should and should not write but i was taken away by my current addiction to a sturdy Friends forum that i am putting off this update for a while.

i am officialy 24, single, fat but happy.

see you whenever :)

2006-01-16T21:30:00.000+08:00

TOW funny lines

i am supposed to be typing Sandy's employee evaluation tonight. but hey, i'm not. i'm actually pretty sleepy now and i still won't nudge. my boss will probably kill me when i return.

on my post earlier today, i made one glaring spelling error. i am so proud so i turn blind to all other grammatically incorrect wordings i have, hehe. just that one. i'm even too lazy to edit "it". i am typing a new entry anyway so i'll just point that yes, i did notice that wrong spelling.

my mommy's got an email address now. finally :) her yahoo username cracked me up. it's so her.

speaking of cracking up, among the gazillions of funny lines in Friends, i was so laughing hysterically at this line from Phoebe...

the scene was this: (it's season 10) Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) is getting married and they decided to hold it outside Central Perk as it was the aftermath of a very bad snowstorm. it was naturally freezing cold. As she prepares to go out, she removed her kinda flowery winter coat and revealed that she's dressed in a really fancy wedding dress (she's so sexy, imo). The convo with
Chandler (Matthew Perry), who's to walk her down the "aisle" went:

Chandler: Wow! Aren't you gonna be cold?

Phoebe: I don't care... I'll be my something blue.

if you did not find it funny, uhm...go watch Friends. you will understand me. hehe.

plus, the wedding vows were heartwarming. Phoebe's marrying Mike Hannigan (played by the former topnotcher in my hottie list, Paul Rudd), and the vows went:

Phoebe: When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need... You are my family. (She then puts the ring on Mikes finger)

Mike: Phoebe, you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever. (He puts the ring on Phoebe's finger.)

see, when i start, i can't really stop. eto, last na lang, this was from season 3; the "friends" were talking:

Chandler: Do you think that there’s a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And as you’re driving into town there’s like a sign, and it says “You’re in Sample.”

~*~

i'll be 24 in 27 hours. i am so old.

2006-01-16T14:52:00.000+08:00

look who's...

happy. i am! i'm on wi-fi now. hehe :) as much as i regret placing virtually all service guys in my "you're gonna screw me up" bin, i can't help it tlaga. good thing God sends me people who are trustworthy enough and gets the job really done. at least, hindi naman siguro sayang yung tip ko :)

annoying. the barangay officials of chromium street!!! last night, they spent a great deal of banging on walls and walking on rooftops to allegedly have the banderitas up for the upcoming fiesta. then it turned out hindi naman pala nila ginawa, ewan baka nag-moonlight tripping lang sila kagabi sa mga bubong ng mga bahay namin.

guilty. ako pa rin! my boss will be away from the 23rd, the first day of my return to the office so she wants to see Sandy's employee evaluation write-up before that. eh i'll be gone nga for the whole week so naturally i have to get it to her within this week. and until now, di ko masimulan...ang dyahe naman kung nasa middle ako ng vacation tas i'm typing away an employee evaluation. how pathetic is that? pero...do i have an alternative? syempre wala. kaya i must send it tonight. harumph.

back. Rayan is! ang dami nyang kuwento parang hindi nya alam saan mag-start, hehe. sobrang happy kasi eh :) kahit his two new pants were stolen (aawww :D). excited din naman ako to hear his stories but i just had to make my other ear listen to wowowee on a nearby tv kasi nakakaawa yung contestants, hahaha!!! i told him to arrange his US pics in chronological order then show it to me na lang when i return. of course, the most important thing in this whole Rayan thing is...may pasalubong sya sa akin. hehe:) i will like it coz it's better than tigger daw? hmmm. si George Clooney na naka-bow tie lang? wow, thanks, wipee :) and he's looking for blog updates...so sige, you're back in the mailing list, you happy person you! :)

impatient. my friend na itago na lang natin sa pangalang Nathaniel, buwahaha. he asked for something from someone. aba, hindi pa nakuntento na inaccomodate yung request nya on such a short notice and even after the fact na tapos na yung deadline, parang sya pa yong pissed off kasi ang tagal ng result. ano buzz :) i know it's easy to advice and close friends will rub it on my face that i am having a hard time na isabuhay yung mga advices ko sa iba. nevertheless, Nate, impatient ka, alam mo yon? mas mabilis daw maubos ang buhok ng mga taong ganyan, hala ka.

bored. i am. kung kelan pa mabilis na ang internet connection, saka pa tinamad, how weird. nakarami na rin naman ako ng nadownload na Friends guestings and tv appearances :) i better find something on the web to be fascinated with so hindi naman sayang.

bye.

2006-01-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

something doesn't feel right

let me tell you how this day went. i watched Friends on dvd as soon as i woke up and began munching on my cereals. after four hours, the smart wifi guys came and for two hours they pissed me off. when they left, i took a very quick shower (no time for encore singing in the bathroom this time) then watched Friends again for another six hours. pretty eventful, isn't it?

okay, now i'm still on dial-up. my dilemma with these installer guys (see dairycreamer's post) were just, i dunno, probably something that a technology-handicapped person like me can't just understand? i doubt if they would even return tomorrow. i don't know if i did the right, but for them bitchy, thing of writing and signing a reminder that "will need to return on Jan. 15 to complete installation" on their official installation acknowledgement sheet. all i wanna know now is, do i deserve this, having a wi-fi installer on an off-colored jersey who looked like he was snatched off a basketball game down the block (seriously), getting all screwed up with my PC lacking this and that crap after repeated calls for affirmation from Smart's "technical support group" that i'm all set to be 'wifi'd', while all i ever wanted is to have faster internet connection and as such, has sacrificed paying another thousand monthly from hereon??? do i???

i'm really gonna stop blabbing how this failed wi-fi thing has upset me because it won't get fixed no matter how much i rant here, or like even if i wish that other wi-fi users get all messed up, too. ha-ha.

let me see, one thing different now in the house is my mom's absence. she told me about her plan of going to my grandmother's this weekend and she has just done so...though this morning, when i asked her groggily when she'll be back, she said maybe monday...or tuesday (in a very unsure voice). see, my mom and i got into this little discussion about something then it was flamed further by my decision to go ahead with this trip on (for) my birthday. i planned it two months ago and until the first week of this month, she hasn't made up her mind if she wants to come or if she does, where we will go. finally, she suggested that we should postpone the trip and just go maybe on her birthday or around the middle of the year...to which i said no. i know it's too selfish, too rude and probably too insensitive for some of you but hey, it's my birthday...it's a plan i had and if i don't go, i'm telling you, there is really no clear-cut assurance that we're actually gonna go in the coming months. so she felt bad and did not speak to me for two days. she spoke to me again when i fyi'd her that i was gonna pay for my ticket and hotel reservation already where she only replied a meek "OO".

so now, i am facing a 4-day adventure in a not-so-foreign land, alone, and on a tight budget. i don't plan to splurge but of course, that i cannot say with absolute certainty. probably mom's also worried about that on top of feeling bad about my leaving her behind. i don't know what to expect, actually. but i'll survive. i was told by two people that going alone is too stupid and crazy while a few also told me that it's gonna be okay...so i'm fine with that already. see, if i got opinions all only on one side of this decision, then that should creep me out. i still have no real plans once i get there, as my most pressing concern is for mom to be back before tuesday (and i kinda remember telling her this while half-awake) because i need the keys to get either my ATM card (mom still keeps them, i'm in too much temptation if they're in my safekeep) or $200 (you know, in case some wussiness happens, at least i have backup funds, hehe). i am really a heartless daughter, don't you think?

so i'm here now, still on dial-up, typing away because i have to give my dvd player a break (which reminds me i should get a pirated player, the cheapest one, because that could solve my non-working dvds problem!), we still have no cable TV connection, i'm not sleepy yet, i'm too lazy to read (huh, is this me?), and...i dunno. something just makes me a bit uncomfortable. something's just not right. and i know it's so beyond Friends or not having wi-fi yet.

2006-01-11T10:43:00.000+08:00

the trouble with smart...and me?

i promised myself i'm going to be more patient with delayed services and other irresponsible actions with regard to anything i ordered or purchased. but i can't. and i still snap easily, like, if the reasonable time until a reasonable person snaps should be after two hours, my current "detonation" is after mga 2 seconds. anger management training, i still need badly.

to think, hindi naman super hassle yung nangyari. well, "hassle" is pretty relative. here it is, you be the judge.

last week, i paid for my smart wi-fi installation. i was told someone will call me to schedule the installation. after two days, someone did. i was scheduled on january 10, yesterday, after bargaining for january 7 sana. they can't daw, a lot are in queue na, so sige, okay lang. yesterday, i called smart twice and on both occasions i got confirmation na scheduled nga ako yesterday for installation. nakauwi na lang ako sa bahay at lahat, wala. on my third call, i was given the ,"ma'am, marami po kasing naka-line up na iinstallan" to probably mean, "hindi lang ikaw ang kliyente namin, maghintay ka naman." and this was around 7 p.m. na. galeng no? so alas-otso, alas-nueve, wala.

this morning, some raul, an impertinent raul called the house casually saying, "wala pa ho kayong antenna sa smart kaya hindi kayo nakabitan." i called them back and ano ba namang mga contractors yon, alam mo yung parang mga nakahilata lang sila sa office at tinatamad lahat. i need to know a few things, and the corresponding replies fumed me.

"i called smart TWICE, confirmed na yesterday ang schedule bakit hindi kayo dumating?"

"eh kasi po...(talking to companion, "bakit nga ba?" "itanong mo kung taga-saan"), ma'am, anong street po kayo?"

"chromium."

"(to companion, "chromium daw, hanapin mo nga meron ba", then after a while) ah ma'am, kahapon nga po kayo pero coding pala kami kaya hindi kami nagpunta."

"at bakit wala man lang nagsabi na hindi kayo dadating?"

"eh....atsaka wala pa po kayong antenna!!!!"

"anong antenna?"

"yun pong galing sa smart...yun pong ano, yung para maikabit yung internet..."

"walang sinabi sa akin ang smart pagbayad ko na kailangan ko ng antenna."

"kailangan po yon eh."

"sino ang tatanggap non, ako o kayo?"

"ah...kayo po...?"

"ako o kayo??!!"

"kayo po. tapos iseschedule po ulit pag meron na."

at mahaba pang exchange so i would know if he really knows what he's talking about. at one point, nagmura ako talaga. minura ko yung kausap ko. if only for that na sobra na kasi nagtatatalak na nga ako di ba bakit kailangang magmura, i felt guilty for a while...but anyway...see, i was never told of that friggin' antenna, whatever it is. i paid, was asked to wait to be scheduled, was given a list of requirements which are mostly computer specs, and accomodate the installer people when they come, that's all. so, negligence yon sa part ng smart, tama ba? pero the contractors should practice good customer service so it would seep into their bone marrows naman dahil as the classic impression goes, they represent smart pa rin. well, dito rin sa amin, the mistakes of our call center contractor bounce back without us knowing bakit sila nagsabi o gumawa ng nakakawindang sa client. hmph.

anyway, i called smart again and was told that this will be "elevated" to the "higher support group" (dahil baka lower support group ang nag-handle nung una? hay). so ang ending, i should have been expecting pala for a darn equipment before mainstall. major buwisit talaga. then i have to "wait" for a notice na malamang sa hindi means ako din naman dapat mag-followup sa kanila ulit na parang ako pa ang may utang na loob ganung ako na nga ang tumangkilik ng produkto nila. tapos sinasabi ng iba maikli ang pisi ko? aba naman. sa halagang dalawang libong peso at "low price" ng 988 kada buwan, ganitong serbisyo ang ibibigay sa'yo. hah.

before i end, eto pa pala, yung hilong contractor pa, hiritan ba naman ako sa tonong "gaano ba kaimportante yang tawag mo?" ng (nung panahong hindi pa tumataas yung boses ko), "KAHAPON NGA PO KAYO NAKA-SCHEDULE, ANO PONG PROBLEMA??" o di ba, ang sarap salaksakin ng pruning shears. hmmmppphhhh!!!! anong problema???? yun lang namang "kahapon" eh tapos na!!! *haaaaaaaaaaahhh!!*

2006-01-10T21:45:00.000+08:00

stafette

* the smart wi-fi guys stood me up. hmph. letch.

* i am going to travel alone, it seems.

* either ^ or i'll be up there at the peak of Mt. Pulag on my 24th birthday. if i can find people to come, i'll drop my trip abroad. seriously.

* i'm so inggit with Rachel she has everything planned na...oh well, what's new with me. sis, sama na lang tayo sa KL pagkatapos ng midyear bonus. char :)

* stooopppp the maaadddneeeessssssssss...(my work is killing me. i want a change! total overhaul! but with the same or better pay! ambisyosa!)

* i gained 5 pounds over the holidays. my tummy and my face show it's more like 10-15 lbs. but it's really just 5. unless our bathroom scale is a pathological liar.

* syet, 24 na ako next week. i always have this feeling na pag nag-24 ka ang bilis na non papuntang 30. parang pag Wednesday na, ang bilis na mag-Friday. hala. stooopp the maaaddneeessss...

song in my head: Smelly Cat by Phoebe Buffay (fan! fan! fan!)

2006-01-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

the one with the update
(see how much i am so hooked on FRIENDS?)

January 3 - back to work. was in-charge. do i care? well, do i have a choice in the first place? there you go. told them i am so hooked on friends they should expect me to blab about the show and jennifer aniston more often. signed up to go wifi (san andres bukid, wifi! wahu.) got my pastelitos from rachel. yummy. had dinner alone. i like it when servers recognize me as a regular but when they ask me why am i alone, parang, uhm, what do you care? this dinner was when nick lachey was singing i do over and over and the muted tv shows star wars. so it's like nick is serenading yoda, something like that. so cinematic.

January 4 - got some money. the bosses met with all of us pinoy staff. requested for overtime but was denied and instead was offered an alternative where they can't really understand why you just need effing two days of OT work and no need for coaching and other bullshit that on the rebound accuses us in a way of not having trust on other people's ability. naman. there are tasks that are not hard but are cumbersome. hindi ko sinasabing mahirap, in fact, madali nga, pero kahit papano may rules pa din ang "simple task" na yon na bago mo maimpart sa tutulong sayo, eh sana ikaw na lang ang gumawa at malamang eh tapos na rin agad. mahirap ba maintindihan? ako kasi hindi naman nahirapan. had dinner with my mom and my cousins who came from palau. paid smart for the wifi thingie.

January 5 - payday but i didn't feel it. paid for the stuff i ordered (once i liked someone, in a "fan" fashion, i act fast). my travel plan is still...a plan. can't make up my mind as to where to go while rachel is all geared up for taipei. she needs to return there by march again. then she said we can plan going to KL, too. this is if the may '06 plan to cambodia won't push through. see, so many trips to take, so little time...and most all, so little money!!! i found out that E2 greeted me 'happy new year' pala. hehe kilig :) the result of the alternative workplan was a load of crap dumped on me. fffuu...so ako dapat mag-OT para matapos din yon. hay....good thing i bought magazines with (you probably know who by now) on them. i had to cancel on rachel again which made me feel so bad but i just had to. sorry sis. it's just that her errand seemed too tiring for me kaya nga sabi ko hindi na tlaga ako mag-invite, just let it happen :( then i learned something that will be known sooner or later. i only told rachel and jacs this time because otherwise i'm gonna explode. can't keep something that major to myself lang. but i am confident with them naman. si jacs pa with our biatchy sarcasm text session which i regretfully had to end hanging. let me reply to you jacs with, "uhm, tim???"

January 6 - received something from my 'savings'. can't finalize my travel yet. i only got a week. work is still a source of stress. chelli called. i wanna be with her right now if only for the chika she missed. let's go to fresno, haha. i told her about ebay-ing during office hours...see, she saw i haven't changed...di pa rin ako nagtatrabaho tlaga, haha. i just had to hear it from her, the classic chelli way of telling me i'm so baduy...and it like opened a can of affirmation that yes, i am baduy. haha...and i so lavette. was supposed to meet up with a travel agent but decided to go have dinner again with the other staff. this time an officer came and a hell lot of beans were spilled, hehe. but like what sandy said, unless we do something about "it", it will never end. magulo, magulo. i am disillusioned not just with the boss but with the work itself. it became too plain. if only i have a better option. i released my pent up disappointment by eating. i'm having too much caffeine, too. then just when i just mumbled something about missing Rayan all of a sudden, aba may text sya pag-uwi ko asking for help. well, ano ba bago, hahaha (apir tayo, friend!) but at least i talked to him. i asked him, "happy?" sumagot sya, "very." that said it all. at least yung plan nya nasunod pa rin. hoy, bumalik ka ha, isusumbong kita sa fraud unit namin pag hindi ka bumalik! hahaha :) pagdating nga lang baka may asawa na. hah! hmm.

***
so...can you tell me if i can get kahit a burned copy of the Nov. 20, 2003 episode of Oprah? it's when she interviewed the cast of Friends mga 7 months prior to Friends' last episode. i read the transcript and i felt sad na naman. hay. i really wanna have it. then seasons 4 to 9 of my set are bad...maybe it's just with my player, sabi nung iba. i am thinking of buying a pirated dvd player kasi baka doon mag-work sya. so sad tlaga...ang karma chameleon, expedited processing na talaga, hahaha. window release pa, with a purple stub :)

2006-01-02T01:50:00.000+08:00

short, direct, could be shocking

thanks to Jerry and Ate Cathy. i will still blog and hopefully get rid of all my pretentiousness because jologs blogging is really me. hehe.

last year (kala mo antagal na nung last year!), i made a list of things i plan to successfully embark on in 2005. the result?

:: Less Starbucks. - successful! i had less reading time last year and only indulged in the caffeine mania to get my 2006 planner.

:: Work harder. - uhm...i dunno.

:: Enroll in a post-graduate course or any certificate class. - enrolled in a basic Spanish class in Instituto Cervantes but did not finish it. i wonder what major thing could have happened had i attended the last 4 sessions.

:: Eat more vegetables. - i can't believe i actually wrote this down. parang pang-"eat na your veggies, honey, open your mouth, here's the train, choo choo..."

:: Read more books. - did not top my record last year. i only managed to finish 20 books in 2005.

:: Go out more. - maybe i did. not that i have a real social life now but it's basically moving.

:: Engage in a sport. - got into boxing! thankful to Rachel. i stopped though but i plan to go back because i am really heavy again.

:: Don't gossip. - errr...i dunno how to address this one. gossiping is, well, subjective. i dunno. i could have kept my mouth shut or otherwise. who cares?

:: Watch movies. - yup i did watch more than what i did in 2004. both dvds and in the theaters. Rachel and Lalaine (and oh, myself, in many movies) were my movie buddies.

:: Save money. - i think i did but it was because of my Mom. i mean she's handling the money all along that's why i got to open my OWN dollar account whose activity i have to work on because it's not a real big sum of money. wala pa sa interest ng ibang dollar account owners, hahaha.

and a few things i did...things i had been:

:: i've mellowed down on this celebrity but i still like her to bits. priorities change but admiration doesn't go away that easy, especially if there is no concrete reason to.

:: i used to blab about liking this politician but in truth, what i love is his affair with another celebrity i also like. i ended up falling for his political officer; a feeling which, thank God, has subsided about 95% when the year ended. thankfully, because not only it's too far-fetched to happen, i saw it for myself that i cannot handle if fate played on me in it's very weird way and say, "o sige nga, what if naging kayo?" hay...sometimes, when you recover from the dizziness of falling in love, you see flaws and clashing attitudes that will make you decide na it's not really meant to happen but...a big but, to be fair, it does not change the other truth that you admire the person. so not to allude him as someone who's hard to be with, kasi he's actually a very wonderful guy. i'm glad that my feelings elevated into something that is of a great friendship na lang, and i can say we happily share it now, so i'm happy na. happy na rin siya. hooray for right-on-time reality stings!

:: i applied for a credit card. it's not been approved but of course it would be. hahaha. di pa lang approved kasi i filed it two working days before the year ends!

:: i cried and shed more tears than i did in, perhaps, the past 5 years combined. my emotional muscles have been in constant use since mga april 2005 ata. it's healthy. good for the heart. therapeutic.

:: i mapped out my life at least until the next five years. nothing's been concrete, lahat are still blueprints but at least i have two or more options ready. galing no. hehe.

:: i tried hard to get the boxed set of Friends, all 10 seasons of it (thankie, Doris!) before Christmas, at least. i did and the year ended and another started with me laughing my heart out. sobrang saya, haha. and bite me, sue me, but i can't help it--i'm a revived Jennifer Aniston fan. see this for further explanation. how long will this fascination last? i dunno. do you?

:: i deliberately skipped an imminent career advancement. some say it's too good to not take but unless you dream of becoming it or you don't have half-baked illusions, then don't. sayang, oo, pero hanggang doon na lang ba ako dahil pinalampas ko? in truth, i don't see myself staying, doing what i presently do, for another two or three years. sabi nga, sana i applied because if i get in, prospects are better outside. pero alam nyo, the job has been to good to me to even think of that. tama na yong nasa ganitong level ako so balanced feelings lang: impressive take-off point to go to another yet not too high a demand to leave easily when you're called to go to some place better. plus i have faith that someone better will be there. i sincerely wish it would be Eiselle because she deserves it (virtual mwah to her!).

a year from now, go back to this post to see if:

...i am a graduate student taking International Studies

...i've travelled to 2 asian countries, at least

...i'm still a Jennifer Aniston/Friends fan

...i'm single and happy

...i weigh 125 pounds

...i'm still on my present job but has brightER prospects abroad (or could be on my way to...?)

...i'm still blogging

...i'm not as cash-strapped as 2005

...i'm still loving all of you, my loyal readers (traffic ko eh 35+ na a day halos, hehe, ang dami grabe...)

Magbalitaan tayo next year!

2005-12-31T20:01:00.000+08:00

My desire to blog has gone down. I always think dati that the idea of keeping things to yourself is boring. Now, I'm too lazy to type and think that maybe, yes, it could be better to keep my fingers away from the keyboard. Less hassle, less effort, less trouble.

Thank you na lang to those people who made my 2005 wonderful. Eventful pala not necessarily wonderful.

I'll change next year. Watch out for it. *evil grin* My adherence to my so-so resolutions list I made in January has been commendable, walang dahilan para hindi ko matuloy-tuloy. I'm not even imposing specific resolutions now.

Basta lang mag-aral ulit, magpakatino, magtipid at mag-isa. Hindi totoo yung masaya kapag may kasama. Mabait si God eh, yun pala yung sinasabi na sa akin, "Ayaw ko pang ibigay yung gusto mo kasi yung mga nasa paligid mo, naku, hindi mo tatagalan, baka mabugbog mo lang sa kunsumi, kaya wag na muna." Grabe, totoong totoo. Buti na lang talaga. Kung sarili ko nga, quite a handful na, kukuha pa ako ng isang intindihin. Excuse me! And this was said with no bitterness. Pramis! Malumpo at mabulag na ang mag-iisip na may halong bitterness yan (haha, ang sama!). Minsan, in looking at all the beautiful things I have, naririnig ko ang boses ni God na, "Yang mga yan ang bigay ko sa 'yo bakit pinipilit mo pa yung hindi pa panahon para makuha mo?" Oo nga naman.

Maligayang pagsalubong sa 2006! Sana di na kasing hirap sa pera ang susunod na taon kasi etong taon na 'to eh damang dama ko sya. Hahahaha!!!

*My mood was ruined when I put in the very last episode of Friends. Sobrang kalungkot. I'm not ashamed now to admit that I'm so for Team Aniston. Yeeey!!!

Alas-otso pa lang inaantok na ako. Ano buzz.

2005-12-26T16:55:00.000+08:00

Kids and Gifts

I. My wanting to have a child is only for a shallow reason that babies are cute. All the stories about my maternal instincts coming into play were induced by my opinion that babies are cute to look at. That's just it. I want to have children of my own but later in my life na lang.

Gauging my tolerance for toddlers and little kids now, I am not fit to be a Mom yet. I just have no patience for them. Little ones, I can probably manage (to an extent) because they cannot talk and defy me, unless of course they bawl and wail like crazy that I have to give them back to their yayas or parents before they turn blue from crying. Kids in their terrible twos and above are just driving me crazy. They are all over me. Can't they sense I'm a Grinch in disguise??? They just wouldn't go even if you politely tell them to get the hell out of your sight. They have endless whys and whats. Wherever I go, they tag along. They tinker with my things. I know they are just curious just the way I had been before but...argh. I know it's too rude and too selfish but I never shouted at them or rudely asked them to go away, to be fair to me. Maybe that's why they can't grasp why I need to be alone. I usually ask my Mom discreetly to lure them away from me...and she knows all the ways as to how because she really knows I hate being surrounded by rowdy little people. They can be adorable at times but I guess I'm just not fit to be with kids at this time. Actually, as you already know, I prefer to be alone in my own little world than be a social animal. You know what I mean.

II. I am not one who literally count the gifts I receive. I am really very appreciative that a huge gift and a short note in a Post-it mean the same to me. However, I have to take exception with one thing I got, actually not a gift but a "raffle" prize, which I consider the best I got this year. It was from the office where, as State Department regulation dictates, gifts from "customers" should only be tolerated to an extent. Everything the office received have been accounted for and would be "raffled off" to or shared with everyone, including a batch of rosaries from the office of the Philippine Ambassador to the Vatican. I was one of the 30 lucky ones who got a rosary, which was from Rome and blessed by Pope Benedict XVI himself. If I'm not mistaken, the office was a bit hesitant to accept the gifts but the element of religion and diplomatic relationship prevailed so we got the 30 rosaries. There was a joke that more than a blessed rosary, we need actual prayers straight from the Vatican to guide us with our everyday work dilemma :) However, seriously, a rosary is more than enough to get me, us, through. I know there is nothing much to worry about but it doesn't mean that I don't have to pray for guidance with regard to the things I want to do or achieve. :)

p.s. I am soooo happy. I have not felt kilig in a while, I mean not this much since the "heyday" of my feelings for one guy (everything is so cool with us naman na eh, I guess I don't have to say that repeatedly na...including the fact that his Christmas text message was the most heartwarming and most madrama I got!). Thanks to Rach, a little more prodding and I'll drop Hongkong for Taiwan naaa!!!!! Grabe, super :) Feeling giddy and sporting a wide smile now :)

2005-12-25T17:39:00.000+08:00

So, how was your Christmas?

Being with people, with family, isn't really that bad after all. Maybe it's just me who's so sold with a happy Christmas equals solitary confinement. Or maybe I got to spend time alone pa rin despite having a lot of people in the house. I can't say anything coherent right now.

We got to Cavite a little after lunch time yesterday. There were visitors na (sige na nga, my relatives, haha) but I was really feeling under the weather so after all the beso beso I slept for 3 straight hours na. Then I read November's Vanity Fair from cover to cover and was called down to eat. My sister-in-law made especially for me her special baked potato dish. Then I ate. Took pictures. Read some more. Then ate again close to midnight with my brothers and dad on the table. It felt good. Super laugh trip.

I woke up early and jogged for half an hour. The air was so fresh, we're super close to Tagaytay so that explains it. I didn't go to mass with them but I prayed the rosary alone. Ate a rather late breakfast then I slept again for two hours. My Dad was waiting for me outside the house and asked me to go with him. A block away from the house, he got off the car and asked me to switch places because I will drive. Everything happened so fast and I found myself treading the village like an idiot driver would. My Dad has been unusually patient, if you will reckon his record of teaching his family how to drive. Or maybe I didn't notice if he was in his natural teaching mode because I was busy shrieking, laughing, grappling the steering wheel, and stepping hard on the gas pedal all at the same time. My Dad has always been a very cool driver so he was his usual self holding the handbrake while his youngest daughter was slowly losing her sanity. In sum, I toured the village twice, including the errand my brother had. I only had two close calls, one of hitting a pole and the other, treading a grassy area which could eventually end with me hitting a centuries-old mango tree. After that, my legs were stiff, my lips and throat were dry, and I was hungry again. My Dad is not giving up on me though but I think I'm really gonna die if you let me drive on a busy highway.

Now that the day is about to end, I just look forward to some more time for myself. But I'm happy. I heard from the people I want to receive messages from so it's there's a bonus. This is pretty much an ordinary day but I'm still sending my love and warmest wishes of peace to everyone on the planet!!! Mwahs and tight hugs!

2005-12-24T07:33:00.000+08:00

What's the best gift I got?

Have I stayed true to my promise when the year started?

Are you excited for Christmas? Why can't I be?

2005-12-23T12:41:00.000+08:00

I never walked this much since cramming for my thesis defense three years ago. Errands have been too much to take I actually lost the pounds I regained, and has lost my appetite. Really.

Then when all office parties are over and you finally found time for yourself (the best than I can do because tradition did not give me a bit of a chance to insist on it), you were allowed to leave early, something ruins it for you: dysmenorrhea. Looking at the bigger picture, I just think that this is okay because I love being a woman. No, lady pala.

Off to Makati now with Rachel. Buti naman.

2005-12-21T16:10:00.000+08:00

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

The results of your analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance,

and symmetry.

You are a person who thinks before acting (oh.), intelligent (hmmm.)

and thorough (eh?).

You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.

You are not very reserved, impatient (yup.) , self-confident and fond of action.

You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

2005-12-20T13:19:00.000+08:00

Akala ko kaya ko na, akala ko tanggap ko na, hindi pa pala.

Pero hindi na rin katulad ng dati, to be fair sa hindi maintindihan kong pakiramdam. Mas objective na ako tumingin, hindi katulad ng dati na lahat ng nakikitang parang "sobra" ng ibang tao, lagi kong nabibigyan ng justification kung bakit tama pa rin.

Tulad ng naunang pahayag sa mga nakaraang naisulat, hindi ko naman sinasabing dapat makuha ko yung gusto ko, dahil sa totoo lang, sa mga natutuklasan ko, tahasan kong masasabi na ayoko rin pumasok sa ganon kahit gaano ko kagusto yung isang bagay. Di tulad ni Juan, hindi ko inaasam na mapunta sa akin yong bayabas, pero sa kabilang banda, masakit pa rin pala pag kukunin sya ng iba. Parang kung tatanungin ang pinakamaramot na bahagi ng pagkatao ko, gusto ko sana nandyan lang yung bayabas, walang gumagalaw. Pero hindi pwedeng ganon eh. Nakikita ko naman kung bakit hindi pwede, at ang mga dahilang ito ay mas gusto ko na kaysa maiiwan akong nanghuhula ng kung ano na ang nangyayari, nang-aamot ng atensyon, naiiwang nag-iisa. Sa ngayon, alam ko halos lahat, kaya okay na yon.

Madalas ako magsalita ng patapos na kinakain ko rin pag nagtagal. Isa na ito sa halimbawa. Pero wala naman akong ginagawang damage sa kahit sino; kung may casualty, ako lang naman.

Kaya habang lumalapit ang mga araw, may nagbabanta ng sakit, nag-uumpisang mangilid ang mga luha, nagtatanong bakit meron pa rin, kahit anong tindi ng dasal mong sana magising ka, wala na. Inumpisahan kasi ng pag-aalala, tapos nagsanga-sanga na, hanggang sa dumampi uli yung sakit na dapat mapapalitan na ng pagiging masaya para sa mga taong dapat sumaya. Minsan, dahil tao ka lang, nag-iisip ka rin na sana magkagulo, hindi sila magkaintindihan, pero naiisip mo rin, pagkatapos noon, mananalo ka ba? Sasaya ka ba pag nangyari yon? Hindi.

Sa lagay na ito, tanga siguro ako para maghangad pa ng isang bagay na ako mismo, nakita at malaya ng nasasabi na hindi pwedeng mangyari. Yung mga tira-tirang damdamin kasi ang hindi pa tuluyang nauubos. Kung nagawa kong tanggalin na sa sistema yung malaking bahagi ng pagmamahal, bakit ba kailangang magpaapekto doon sa sulsol ng maduming pag-iisip, di ba?

Sa ngayon, nalulungkot ako, at pag hindi ito nagbago, mas malungkot ako sa Pasko at habang naglilipat ang taon, maging hanggang sa susunod na buwan. Marami kasing pwedeng mangyari, na dapat wala na akong pakialam pero di ko pa rin mapigilan mag-isip at masaktan. Tao lang eh.

Pero habang nakikita mo na ang tiwala ay hindi nagbabago, hindi nawawala, bakit hahayaan ko yung masira di ba?

Sabi nga, yun daw hindi papatay sa iyo ang lalong magpapalakas sa iyo. Ito na ba ang sukatan kung gaano na ako kalakas ngayon? Sana talaga nag-iisip ako ng tama ngayon.

~
Ang lalim ano? Kailangan na bang humanap ni Cristy Fermin ng bagong trabaho? Hahaha!!!

2005-12-17T17:35:00.000+08:00

my paper bag has a butterfly wand then i was a wallflower

we won the Ambassador's Cup for this year's best skit after years and years of drought. it's been a tradition of the U.S. mission in Manila to maximize the potential of all Mission employess via performances where their foreign service life's integrity can be at stake.

to say that we won because past winners have decided not to participate could be true. at any rate, even if they vied this year, we would have given a good fight, to say the least. our skit was harry potterish, in that all four departments of the consular section were "houses" where muggles seek to apply for wizard visas. it was simple, and a bit funny. frankly, the main goal when we were conceptualizing was to make the judges laugh and we did. anything that could make the top Embassy honchos feel alluded to, the better :) close to home, i played a wizard in the non-muggle citizen house where my applicant was harry potter himself who, after i asked that he look in the mirror of truth, i found out that he doesn't plan to go on a "wizard visit" because he sees himself settling permanently abroad. the highlight was when harry was made to drink the truth potion and he transformed into VISAmort :) Jim was simply awesome as "the lord of the dark arts himself" :)

some pics:

Alex as the applicant to work for the Haunted House of Retired Witches and Warlocks in Syracuse! Rachel tries to keep him from harming everyone through his careless wand movements.

Harry stating his case in front of the officer moi

It's VISAmort!

The finale scene. We closed it with V-I-S-A to the tune of YMCA. Hehe. Bumenta naman eh.

The victory moment! Andrea and Alex showing off the formerly elusive Ambassador's Cup then us with the Chargé.

The Veterans' Affairs Department, which has been consistent in the winners' circle every year. There have been rumors of last-minute walkouts and other malicious speculations but it doesn't change the fact that whenever they participate, kina-career talaga nila!!!

Last year's winner, USAID. Their theme was quite funny but it was too political in nature.

Every year, the committee gets Filipino cultural performers for the benefit esp. of our American colleagues. This year we had the kids of Pasay City West highschool and they were really talented young boys and girls. Epal lang yung isang trainor nila but the kids were really awesome :)

Pwargh. There were whispers that these girls are gonna come but it was only confirmed when they went out from the Ballroom. ALL the men were drooling. It was the Sex Bomb Girls. Doi.

Hehe, savoring THE Cup! Typical red carpet pose, di pa nakatingin sa camera, hehe :) Then it's E, my photographer for the day and myself fooling around before leaving the CG's office where the trophy would be in the meantime.

Some of my unitmates with the Chief. Si Tatay talaga parang hindi connect sa mood.

win or lose, Alex invited us long before for a cast party at his place which was just beside the gym i go to (eerr, i used to go to, hehe). The cast was not complete but there were interesting people, too. good food, good music, good talk. a little after dinner, i kept myself busy reading Ian Rankin in one corner of Alex's pad. "this is what i usually do in parties when i see that the host has bookshelves," i muttered when they asked. i chatted with them for an hour before saying goodnight around 10.

~

i had a hard time going to Alex's place because the traffic in Roxas was so bad. i was in Buendia (near the famous "hole" hehe) waiting for a cab when i chanced upon a Tamaraw fx which i thought was a passenger fx bound to MRT-Bel Air. I hailed it and that annoying asshole of a driver stopped, rolled down the window and asked, "Miss naman mukha bang pampasahero yung sasakyan ko?" Then natawa yung mga sakay nya. I shot back, "Hindi naman, pero ikaw mukha ka kasing driver na namamasada ng fx!" Sabay irap. Ang gago talaga. Grrr.

~

Rayan's leaving tomorrow morning! Aww, we're supposed to meet today but I got so tamad. I slept the whole day lang naman, I dunno, I get really so tired on weekends. I'll miss him but he's gonna have a great time naman with his family in Canada and of course when he gets to New York. Alam ko natetense ka friend, pero I'll just pray that everything works out for the best for you. For both of you. That holiday can make or break your (let's wait till he gets comfy telling everyone about it!). Pero tulong na lang tayo magdasal. You deserve it naman, ang tanda mo na 'no. Nakailang biyahe na ang naiwan ka, bwahahaha :)

2005-12-16T09:35:00.000+08:00

I already have my Starbucks planner.

I bought 2 more books last night.

I am happy that I can "draw a straight line" to get to him (don't you just love fire drills?). Sana laging may fire disturbance dito sa office, bwahahaha :)

Nawawala na 'yun kaya nagsisimula na akong sumaya. Mas madali na ngayon i-assess ang pagkatao at sitwasyon nya dahil wala ng feelings na naka-overshadow sa pananaw ko. I will be a better friend this way.

Ang saya ng araw ko kahit wala na akong pera, hehe! Sana manalo kami sa skit competition mamaya. Hahaha :) At napakasarap ng hot peppermint mocha drink sa umaga :)

2005-12-15T18:31:00.000+08:00

So for all the flak I got over my so-so perception (read:personal) on Kingkong below, I decided to say more about it. Not that it should matter but for the sake of having a say on it before the initial entry ages out to a day, I have 11 random things to say:

1. Jacs my dear, the youngest of the "ship crew", Jimmy, is not the son in 8 Simple Rules. That's what I was told.

2. When they "chloroformed" Kong, how did they bring him back to NY with them? Think of it, S.S. Venture is on its last sane bolts and screws, so...how? Maybe they used him as one of those floaties?

3. In NY, where did they keep him? I so love it when he broke free from the metal chains. I wanna scream, "Kill them, Kong!!!!!!!!!!" Good thing I didn't.

4. Bruce Baxter, that nice guy in Early Edition (sorry Jacs, I haven't watched Homefront) is really cute. I know someone who's just like that. Good looking, endearing, but too self-centered and spoiled (and won't admit it). But the bottomline, I heart them both (that one and Bruce Baxter!).

5. Colin Hanks (of Orange County, remember? And Tom Hanks' son too) played the assistant (of the director) who desperately needs Stresstabs all the time. Observe how after the chase by the rampaging Jurassic parkies and the weird spiders, he was still wearing his glasses as if he just freshened up for his first class, only with not-that-soiled shirt.

6. The giant eel-like slash human sucking creatures were just gross. How necessary were they? The boys were tired from the hell of a chase from the J.parkies, spiders and the gigantic geckos!

7. I agree with Jacs, Naomi Watts...or let's say Ann Darrow, has enviable upper body strength. Just count how many times she had to display that might throughout the movie.

8. You know where we laughed the hardest? When Kong took Ann to Central Park. It was an "awww" moment in a very funny way! I can't describe it. It's just hilarious. It was played on a bit longer for my human tolerance, and was thwarted by a bang.

9. Andy Serkis, the guy who was Gollum in LOTR, is also Kong. Well, at least the eyes. It was his. I wondered before if he's destined to not be seen competely. Lo, I was told he was also the cook on the ship! Yes, as in that yucky cook who makes equally disgusting food for those aboard.
10. The natives of Skull Island rock!!! Nyanyanyahahaha...lalo na yong lolabelle nila, nyaaaahhh...

11. Whatever Kong did to that super saurus (I'm such an idiot with those creatures, sorry) with a very poor dental structure (clue: it involves your hands and your opponent's mouth), should be the Philippines' capital punishment. Believe me, it's worth a shot. Want justice? It's the coolest.

*places hand on left chest* BEAU---TIFUL....

Not quite. But it's worth your money and time na rin.

P.S. The beauty killed the beast. Pwargh.

2005-12-15T08:02:00.000+08:00

I got two free tickets from NWA for Kingkong. I went with Jacs because I can use his innate sarcasm so I can make sense of the movie. Turned out I was right.

Kingkong made me feel more tired than I already was after a long workday. It's 3 hours plus of grueling fights and irrelevant moments combined. But it's good. The effects are terrific, the fight scenes are so wow. In a small theater like the one in Powerplant, while all these "high-end" people were gushing, Jacs and I were laughing at whatever they were gushing at.

"It's not necessary!"

"I thought it was a big boulder!"

"They have poor dental hygiene!"

"Kids will have nightmares! Eeeew!"

...and many more annoying snide remarks.

No offense meant to those who so loved the movie. The movie is impressive but it's something that I can forget after sleeping on it or after 72 hours, whichever comes first in this very busy week I have.

P.S. I left my phone at home. To those sweetly texting me everyday (yihee), I'll respond later. To my "dates", I'll be there tonight. See ya.

2005-12-14T12:08:00.000+08:00

i typed a long entry about the lantern lighting incident. then i accidentally erased them all.

ayan, ayoko na tuloy.

may mga tao tlagang matutuyo ka sa kakulitan. nakuuuuuu. di ka naman makasagot ng "ano ba kasing pakialam ko sa inyo?" kasi magtatampu-tampuhan naman.

at kahapon merong nag-google ng pangalan nya tas may hit sa blog ko. hahaha, what were you thinking? ang keywords pa nya *name* of *birthplace*. nyorwr. makulit ka.

2005-12-13T15:40:00.000+08:00

i am so lazy today. or in Rayan's term, "so lethargic" (by the way, during his ranting session yesterday, he said walang maganda sa blog ko if di naman sya namemention. so eto na. well, sabi ko din naman namemention sya, blind item nga lang. haha, ang gago, natawa naman).

wanna watch TV na lang. in truth, i feel i am sick of something. no joke. i hope it's not something na may taning na yung buhay ko, wag naman ganon.

miss watching the o.c. na...

(kaya pla i can't wait to meet kofi annan, the head of united airlines!)

2005-12-13T10:24:00.000+08:00

I am so stressed. The last quarter of the year has worn me out so much.

I told my Mom I want to be alone for Christmas. As in all by myself. I know it will be too hard to happen because soul-sucking family traditions will tell me off and say I am the biggest selfish and insensitive daughter/sister/granddaughter/aunt/niece/friend ever to walk the Earth if I decide to do so.

I just want to be alone, watch my DVDs, read books from among my long queue, and refrain from being with people.

I don't want to be bombarded with "No man is an island" bullshit. I know that. I just want to be on my own in a season where it's customary to be mingling and reuniting with people. I believe it's not too hard to understand, is it?

A Christmas, just like an ordinary day, watching TV or reading a book in a terrace overlooking the bay. Perfect.

I can't wait for my birthday to do it.

I am in my grinchy state and I so love it.

The hell with togetherness.

Would you rather be alone but happy?
Or be with people but be sad and pushed to be nice against your will? You tell me.

2005-12-11T22:11:00.000+08:00

I am very frustrated because my computer's performance has really turned for the worst. I know it's infested with viruses and spywares and everything that a bad computer may have. For one, it takes me five minutes to start it. When I switch from one browser to another, they go in slow motion. I know that using an internet prepaid card isn't that bad, speed-wise, but it was affected by the mess that my computer is. For the record, I am uploading 15 photos in Multiply for three hours now. Plus, I dunno what's happening but I go into one browser and when I minimize it to go to the others, poof! They disappear. Then when I close all browsers, they surprisingly come back. Why?

To compensate for my frustration, I am happy with the way I can talk to him about things that I (yes, I) feel. It is liberating to lay your cards, both your cards, on the table. I like it this way because instead of getting hurt, as of now, as in now, I can say that the hurt is not as great as before. I think, for every instance that bouts of hurt do return, it helps me to tell him that "I'm getting hurt, excuse my being sarcastic and nasty." For others it's a big emotional no-no but for me, confronting the feeling, especially the person who unintentionally hurt you is a giant step to healing.

I got the words I've been most wanting to hear from him and it made a big chunk of the pain go away. I don't deny that they're not completely gone--- as I told him, I don't even know what to feel once it's there. The best part of it all is that you are letting go of something that's more like a bad egg among the good ones. How many of you collides with a great heartbreak, inches away to getting over it, yet keep the person involved, and what's more, he becomes closer to you than before? It's rare. That's why I know I am lucky. To enjoy the confidence of the person who HAS hurt me is something to treasure when I am completely over this. It's like I did not lose anything at all, instead, I gained more. Life is good.

Truth be told, I don't wish for someone to fill the void. Especially now. I'm back into loving what I am now, the very unattached lady in her twenties. There's a development with regard to my career, and other travel plans looming in the horizon. I know that next year will be a better year for me. With all these plans outlined, I think the chances are slim that I'll go wrong. Yay, I'll say it myself, that's the spirit!

I will be really busy to even blog until the year ends. Before the month ends though, even if I will be hurt inside, I know that my tolerance for pain is sufficient. I am going to run down how eventful 2005 has been for me. Watch out for it. Haha! Sabi nga ni Boy Abunda, "Eksklusibo! Mga bagay na ngayon lamang ilalantad! The Buzz!"

This week, I'll be busy as hell because we will be understaffed once more. My supervisor will be back but she's not expected to be that busy as usual because she's due to retire at the end of the month. I did not apply for her position, even if sometimes, I feel guilt when people react as if I let their expectations down by not applying. I feel proud but it's already done. The fact that God led me to that choice means there are better things to come.

There is a performance for the Christmas party of the whole U.S. Mission in Manila, there's a party to plan for the 22nd, there's a premiere night (with cocktails daw, so icky) on Wednesday for KingKong (which I asked Jacs to accompany me to, the people person that he is), there's a block reunion with my college classmates on Thursday, a dinner with my office gang courtesy of Erwin, an overdue dinner pa rin with Mindy before she goes to Canada, and speaking of Canada, hopefully I get to squeeze in a dinner with Rayan as well before he leaves on Sunday. How can I even have time to feel hurt?

*Oh, I have been punished. The Multiply upload, after 3 hours and 27 minutes, went "The page cannot be displayed". Fff. It's time to make use of my orange diskettes, hmph! (Trivia: since I had my computer repaired, I bought 120 orange diskettes to keep my files. Hihihihi.)

2005-12-10T17:29:00.000+08:00

Break From Hell

I appreciate moments of hearty "laughing sessions" with my colleagues, considering the hell of workload we have now (and will still have in two weeks as another staff will go on a 2-week LOA).

Last night, albeit less livelier than previous years', we had our annual section party.

I am still thinking of what pictures to post; with the recent security alert, I am certain that it's not advisable to plaster my colleagues' faces all over my blog.

On a similar note (pictures), let me just share that for the third time, Starbucks did it again. I find it funny that they recognize my face having been there every night (that they need not look at my receipt as they know what I ordered), yet they seem to always get my name wrong. Last Wednesday, I was:

Anyway, let me tell you I am smiling sincerely now. Still getting bouts of hurt sometimes but it's not that worth the loneliness anyway. I'm happy as it is, rather than not have this at all. i know I've said that more than five times but allow me to just say them over and over again because it soothes me :)

2005-12-07T17:27:00.000+08:00

effing busy

Can't shout, can't throw a fit, can't be a bitch, already ate any leftover there was from Estee's lunch, so to seal my 10-minute self-impoed break, I am blogging.

Yes, at 5:30 p.m., my day is just about to start, judging from the workload that is currently on my left side (and I'm ignoring the ones on my right side, behind me, and the team's inbox at the other office).

This is an *insert expletive* day. No kidding. I have no room for underestimation today. That idea you have now as to how shi-- err, busy this day has been for me? Multiply it by 999.

I'm so harassed, I don't even think that a tight hug during a precious silent moment with my man would console me, contrary to what I told Rayan last night. I don't know what time I'll wrench myself from my chair today but when it comes, a big cup of coffee and a moment to stare into space for an hour will de-stress me.

The worst part? This is not an overtime work, ergo, no extra pay.

Yes, we're going to open for business tomorrow, so it will be more chaotic than it is now.

Such things you have to go through to earn money! Some people are just so fucking lucky.

2005-12-06T16:20:00.000+08:00

You should have watched or read about State Dept. Secretary Rice's speech last night.

And though it's not related at all (I hope), you know that we are closed for business today until further notice.

Yet, hindi yan ang sasabihin ko. I am prepared to die, kesehoda. Pag time mo na, kahit nasa loob ka ng bahay mo, mamamatay ka.

Two things:

1. I blew my top because of Mom. Hay nako. I know, dapat ako ang mas magpapasensiya pero tao lang ako, I need to be alone sometimes. Especially now. Hay. Sige, kung mamatay ako sa kung anumang threat dito sa office, sabihin nyo na lang sa kanya, ayaw ako pakinggan eh.

2. I love my friends and a lot can attest to that na hanggat kaya ko, tutulong ako. Minsan may mga spoiled lang talaga. Hay nako, times two! Parang ikaw na nanay nya, kulang na lang one plus one itanong sa iyo. To think sinaktan ka na nya 'no? But of course, hindi mo rin natitiis, nagmamahal ka eh. Ng kaibigan.

This is a shitty day not just because of the security threat.

Let's see if coffee and Book 3 of The Chronicles of Narnia will make the shit go away.

And oh, the office closed for internal business a minute ago and I did not pass my CV for my supervisor's position. When in doubt, don't; so I didn't. I just hope 2006 is a better year.

2005-12-05T10:42:00.000+08:00

In passing, I let my sentiment out yesterday.

It's not gonna be okay soon, that's why I am only resorting to prayers now. I'm glad everything has been sorted out, cards have been laid down.

The most important thing after that exchange is that I was assured nothing will change and no one will go away, literally.

We're cool as it is. I'm harmless (yeah, right, hehe).

Time and again, I told him, and I'm telling everyone, that it's not me to wish ill of people who are bound to be happy just because it hurts me.

Hay nako, I just hope that graduate school will do a lot to me than just be educated further. Haha.

2005-12-04T17:35:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking too much about too many things lately.

Incoherent.

Yesterday, while having my reading time and talking to Kryzzy who dropped by the coffee shop, these two drinks kept me company for four hours. I wonder now if they were really for me:

I plan to switch to Globelines Broadband but they do not service our area yet. Same with zpdee, and I wanted it so I can only be billed once for my cable and internet connections. I am having a hard time fixing the terms for PLDT DSL. So I guess I should really stay on prepaid cards as I have been for seven years. Ffff.

I am not overwhelmed by my love problems entirely as you might think. I am confused with something with regard to my career and I have more or less 48 hours to decide, otherwise, it will be too late if I discover I wanted it pala. I said yes to it, I said no, I told people that I won't, I told them again I might...I dunno. I guess let it be a surprise if I will do it or not. Classic bahala na. You will know, for sure. Ask me on Wednesday morning.

For those who like to relate their current feelings with song lyrics, doesn't it happen that one song does not entirely speak of what you feel, but only certain parts of it? Or that the whole thought of the song isn't what you're really going through, but, say, the chorus hits the nail on the head?

I was rummaging through my cd pile when I listened to my used-to-be-favorite song. You know this, I know:

It was inside that I cried

No long drawn out speeches

No sad tear solves goodbye

It was inside that cried

It was inside that I cried

Don't be deceived by what you saw

It was inside that I cried

- Inside That I Cried, CeCe Peniston

2005-12-04T09:34:00.000+08:00

"My advice to all those who are going to find themselves : Stay exactly where
you are. Otherwise you are in great danger of losing yourself forever."

That quote was from Jostein Gaarder's The Solitaire Mystery. Makes a whole lotta sense.

I am back to real reading now. I will finish the whole Narnia series before it opens on the 9th (give it to me, I have not read it as a child). I am loving the idea of people going back to reading, wheher the motivation came from me or from another person (yes, doon ako papunta sa dalawang taong yon, so I better stop).

A year ago today, below was my blog entry. Funny that at this time, my dilemma is still the same:

pressured.

grabe, everytime i bloghop, people are raving about their new starbucks planner or how many stickers to go na lang and they would have it na. napepressure ako!! hahaha!! inggiterang palaka. eh kasi...sa totoo lang, i would not feel this way if not for the barista in starbucks rob. while waiting for my frappe, i was looking at the...coupon? basta yun..then he casually commented that many people actually claimed na their planners!! ipressure ba ako?? eh kasi naman ako lang bumubuno nung akin. there are times di na me nakakapag-coffee kasi late na ako umuuwi from work. di bale, 14 stickers na lang naman. kayang kaya ko na i-bribe sina joy, girl, eiselle, erwin, tita ditos, tita beth, noime, jacs, jen, karen to have coffee with me..o di ba...ilan na yun...10..eh ako pa...11...three stickers to go and hello planner na ako!!! ganyan ako
ka-pathetic! hay.

2005-12-02T15:15:00.000+08:00

after the fact

I want to thank all the people who sent me reactions over the last post. Of course, I know what all of you were saying. I never thought even for once that I am alone. I'm just emotionally broken but I know that my life goes on. It is and it will be. Nevertheless, a big, tight hug to all of you.

It still does not entirely make sense until now, because, without giving out the real deal, the true test of my tolerance for hurt will still be on the next 4 weeks. Now, the battle knife is just aimed, it has not stabbed my heart, who's in critical condition anyway.

I can afford to be a bigtime melodramatic ass and I'm telling you, the crown will not bequeathed be soon. But at this rate, and my pride has a lot to do with it, I'm blogging because I don't want others to see me as pitiful and vulnerable because...I just don't want to. Haha.

Impulsively, I withdrew a chunk of my savings, subscribed to a magazine I've been eyeing long ago, watched chicken little (sooo funny) and intend to watch more, joined the skit of our big department to be shown on the 9th, will splurge on books later, will try to meet my friends I've not seen for so long. But I will still be hurt, I know. I am not doing these activities to erase the pain, but only to soften the blow.

Once and for all, let me clarify, and I swear to God that this is the truth, I do not grieve because I am not the one, but because I still feel love for someone who will not be mine anyway (but stays around and promised to do so forever).

Lastly, yes, I already realized this but it doesn't really matter much: I, 47 days shy of being 24 years old, will still meet and greet a lot of people. I'm still young. I know that na 'no. Some people just like to rub it in all the time.

2005-11-30T21:02:00.000+08:00

I hope my heart dies soon.

My heart is dying. Figuratively, of course.

I heard it straight, the greatest blow yet and the die is cast. You know how it feels, when something so hard and painful strikes over and over on the same spot? The first blow will shock you, the next will hurt you, and the hundred more strokes after will just numb you altogether.

Yes, I feel numb now. I feel traces of deep pain when I think of it but I'm generally too fazed to think of how painful it is.

What's ironic is that the more my heart gets hurt, the more my other remaining senses feel better than ever. I'm hanging on to the pain because if I don't, I will lose sense of my sense, too. I'll still be a loser on both counts if I give it up altogether whereas in this set-up, I have been down and out on one side yet victorious and secure on the other. Weird, but true. Masochism at its finest.

Of course, there will be no details. You can speculate all you want, I won't care a bit. The real deal may be known soon but at this time, I take pride in the fact that I know it before all of you did. Whatever will happen, I can say I had a hand in it, one way or the other---because I basically know what's going on.

I have not shed much tears. Let me imitate a strong woman who said "I haven't had time to grieve." Maybe it's too soon for me, I don't know. Nobody knows. I am planning to write a letter, detailing what I felt the moment I knew it, until now. I plan to do it everyday, to gauge how my feelings will evolve. The letters will be left unsent, of course. Only time will tell if someone deserves to read it other than me. If my current state betrays me, I may not write a single note at all. Nobody knows.

I kept on thinking of how hurt I would be in the next few weeks. This is the reason why I'm expecting my heart to die soon. Because if it dies, it will not be able to feel anything anymore. No stabs of great pain while thinking of how happy it would be when it finally happens over the holidays. No pangs of hurt when I see captured memories. No tears to shed, no cringing in sadness while missing what could have been that only existed in my dreams.

This is the most coherent that I can get now.

Despite all I've written, an invisible thread binds us now, whatever happens to this, or to the others. I thank you for not having the heart to hurt me, despite not having the heart to love me either. I will forever be thankful and grateful that you feel secure with me, taking the things I say with great importance, doing the things I tell you to do. I appreciate you putting our friendship above everything, and yes, I already told you that I will feel bad like you will be if we lose what we have now. I will take comfort in the idea that what we have transcends casual friendships because of the things we share. The trust to know your affairs, to handle them at some point, it makes me wanna feel stupid even feeling like this. But you know, like what you yourself said, you should not force to unfeel what is there, so here I am. Beyond all this, I want you to be happy. I love hearing happiness in your voice and seeing the glow in your eyes, affirming the fact that you are really happy. The blow that came today was just too soon for me, I guess. I didn't expect it to jump into something like that. But of course, no need to crawl your way to happiness if there's a faster way, right? Now, I never felt so close to you ever and I intend to take care of that, to treat it the way I would the most fragile of things on Earth. With your indulgence, let the least humble side of my person emerge by saying that I hope the day would come when I look in your eyes and I can say, with no hurt at all but instead a hearty recollection, that I once loved you. I hope it comes really soon, you said it so yourself that you're gonna help me look around. For now, I hope you can help so my heart dies soon. You hurt it in the first place, so might as well finish the suffering so it can go gracefully, and then resurrect for someone who will take care of it in the not-so-far future.

2005-11-29T16:31:00.000+08:00

i need coffee.

i've been to hell and back. allow me to admit that no, i can't take this (for now). boss, bumalik ka na. boohoo.

i guess i'm not yet made for more pressure at work. or maybe, this is not the type of pressure i want. i don't know. what do i know?

plus, my personal life has been a mess since april. ironically, all consolations are given to me in a platinum platter, something that i can't afford to turn down. i am so full with the idea of if only for this, i should be thankful enough. we do not always get what we want because usually something better is coming along. how cheesy, and i'm telling you, i'm so tired of it, too. kaya lang, no matter how much the situation kills you, or the waiting for that something better suffocates you, when reality gives you a dose of something so so so so good, how can you still complain?

i really need coffee. i need to make sense of everything and of course, i need the stickers for the planner. whack.

2005-11-28T16:20:00.000+08:00

it's the last day of my long weekend. i dread having to work again tomorrow.

i have not finished my blog template pa rin. (html) loser.

my dilemma on christmas gifts has been solved. the "solution" was having a final choice as to who to "order" it from. heee. i know that it's better to give but in these tight-fisted times, whoever fits your meager budget will be it. plus this one's ought to work...i'm tired of giving out figurines year after year. (",)

2005-11-27T18:18:00.000+08:00

i'm so mad. i'm almost done with my new blog template and *poof* all your browsers hang and goodbye na to whatever you've been doing. bad treeeeep. oh well, it's my fault, i should have learned frontpage early on. grrr. asaaaaarrrrr!!!!

i already watched spanglish, the phantom of the opera, l4yer cake and the talented mr. ripley (finally) in one day. so i have a good sunday na rin to boast of.

aaaahhhh.

2005-11-26T20:20:00.000+08:00

i have this long train of ideas before sitting down in front of the computer. now, all of them are gone. it annoys me that i get distracted by one simple text of, "i'm home but i got locked out." bzzt.

i still feel miserable but it's okay. sometimes, to keep the one that makes you happy, you have to face the greatest of hurt, too. i did that and i did not lose anyone, in fact, i've gained more. i've never felt this close. and if this is fate's way of making me happy then as evidenced by recent events, i surrended myself to let it be.

one last thing...hecklers comfortably sitting behind cultured patrons in a ballet performance should be dragged out of the theater by their nostrils. hmph. bwisit.

just before i click on "publish post", eto someone requested to type this on for your (yes, you, my regular reader) insight:

if a guy was given one full day to be with the person he really likes (take note, not loves), what would it take to make that moment really special? the scenario is it's only the two of you in a place na walang makikialam, with the works...flowers, dinner, etc. dapat di masyadong magastos (kasi kuripot sya, pero secret lang, haha), pero at the end of the day, hindi nya makakalimutan.

pahabol pa nya, say dinner and flowers, then may konti pa natira sa budget. apart from a good conversation, what would it take para completely eh di na daw makalimutan ng girl yung date?

sagot, anyone?

ang sabi ko sa kanya, you cannot plan a GENERIC memorable date. am i right? kasi you cannot speak for the feelings of the other person. ideally, lahat ng namention na, just seal it with a sweet kiss. pwede na yon di ba?

your comments are very much welcome. go ahead and put some enlightenment, hirap na hirap na ang dibdib nitong kaibigan ko eh. di na sya makakain, di na sya makatulog...di pa makapasok ng bahay nila. i just hope he won't kill me when he reads this. hehe.

2005-11-24T21:20:00.000+08:00

It's showing on the 30th

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros will finally be shown in theaters on November 30. I watched it during the run of Cinemalaya in CCP. I strongly endorse it; not that my recommendation should be trusted, but I'm sure you'll appreciate the film.

I've been seeing plugs here and there and I'm sure you already know what's the storyline, and that it garnered international acclaim already. Let's support it.

Thanks to my crush Ping (hehe) for the poster.

2005-11-23T23:40:00.000+08:00

I told Ate Cathy that I am better. I told Patty that I thank God I'm not capable of holding ill feelings for long. I will email Lai about it because she deserves to know.

I hardly get all stressed out about something. It becomes really obvious when I do get too involved; I get sleepless nights, a pimple or two shows on my face (and they're big). My Mom knows how it goes so she assumed there's something wrong going on because she saw my face this morning (yes, it appears that fast).

It's not worthy to dabble on what made me feel bad. Remnants of it will forever be around me. I would like to focus on a very great gift of getting over a bad feeling so easily---but not completely. Through all this, even if this "okay" stage will never go back to being sad again, it will never be the same. You can say sorry for stepping on someone's foot but the scar brought by scraping your heel on the foot's skin (yes, that's how it hurt, even more) will always be there (no thanks to laser treatment, look at what happened recently to that celebrity doctor?).

Three of the closest friends in my heart were the immediate "absorbers" of what I felt. No need for further backgrounders; that's what's good about them. Just like I wanted it, I receive neither advices nor opinions. I just needed to vent and they were there, Eiselle, Sandy and Lalaine.

Ate Cathy, Lai, Patty, Paolo, Sunni and my new friend Alita were there to ask questions and yes, it's partly to affirm myself but beyond the hurt, whether you accept it or not, there are people who are most willing to lend a listening ear, a caring heart.

I did not choose to tell Rayan everything (actually, anything) when he asked about it over lunch. It is stressful enough to start telling someone (who has not heard of it ever) from scratch and relating it is like rubbing salt on an open wound. He made me happy even if he's stubborn, and the fact that he asked twice if it was about something he did, made me think that I've been dealing with different people for all different reasons, and any of those dealings can really hurt, the rest can be so-so, but most can be great and unforgettable.

Celebrations of life and talent made me realize that hurting won't only give me pimples, it will also have me miss out on things that I love to do: eating, taking pictures, and acting on skits and plays. Let me expound on this when I'm much much sober. See, I almost downed a bottle of beer while everyone's drinking canned sodas and bottled water...all because I thought I am still hurt as hell.

Lastly, people who say they need to reconnect and that they missed out a lot because you haven't been together really tug my heart. I heard from a batchmate who will arrange a reunion for our batchmates abroad, and I happily responded I am willing to organize one for those of us here. On another end, finally, Rachel and I got to hang out again and we watched Flightplan, after almost three weeks. We talked about a lot of things we missed out on, and I felt really special having someone like her around. We discussed the future, and how we both want to get out of the present real soon.

A lot, apart from what I wrote, happened to me after I was hurt. The experiences do not really connect to the hurting and sympathizing part but they're all concrete manifestations of how good life is even if like a big brick has dropped on you, hitting your head first, then your heart, second.

2005-11-22T16:57:00.000+08:00

I FEEL SO BAD. IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

THE HIROSHIMA DROP PALES IN COMPARISON, DEVASTATION-WISE.

I WILL NOT BE OKAY SOON, I KNOW.

AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO SAVE MYSELF, I CAN'T. UNLIKE A WAR, THERE IS NO ENEMY HERE. TIMING AND FEELINGS DO NOT MAKE REAL ENEMIES, THEY ARE NOT JUST MY FRIENDS, AT LEAST THIS TIME.

2005-11-22T13:09:00.000+08:00

Tired and stressed. I am.

Sobrang busy naman, that should justify going back to my old eating habits.

It could just be me but don't you feel sad when you hear Sana Ngayong Pasko? Okay lang na single ka pero the best of love cynics would agree, deep inside them, na iba pag may kasama ka sa buhay. Now, iilan na lang natira na single sa mga kaibigan ko. Meron mga humahabol pa ata sa Pasko. Si Eiselle nga, kakainggit yung email sa kanya eh. Tipong makiki-share na lang kami nina...aba, wala na atang natira ah...si Sandy at Lalaine, habol pa. Poor me. Drat. Oo, extra gastos ang may boyfriend (unless prince of whatever island ang makuha mo 'no, but still, iba na nagbibigay ka pa rin di ba?), but different yung sa pagsapit ng Pasko meron man lang babati ng ,"Honey, merry Christmas!" sa 'yo! Hay. Sabi ko sa 'yo eh.

Palitan na nga yang cd na yan. Isalang ang The Heat Is On In Saigon! Weeha.

2005-11-22T07:58:00.000+08:00

I'm so lazy to update. So many things to do. So many parties to plan (certified party doctor na ba? haha.). So many errands to do, so many favors to give out. Okay lang naman, I am not doing them just because I'm forced to. Choices nga daw eh.

2005-11-20T23:13:00.000+08:00

What happened on Friday was fast but exciting. After our colleagues merienda blowout, a minute before we close for business, Kats opened the office door and said, "Guys, nag-break na yung waterbag ko!" So kahit she's not as panicky, kahit pa I saw na she's starting to get pale, and started shaking too, I rushed outside the office to take a cab for her. Mabilis pala ako mag-run pag ganon, even if (as you might be interested to know) the walk from the office itself till outside the main gate to the loading area literally takes forever.

Eksakto when I hailed a cab Kats and the girls went out na. Tas we let Kats ride the cab, sabay sabay pa kami, "Kats, ingat ha!" , "Kats, i-lock mo yung door!" Then when the cab sped away, sabay sabay din namin narealize, "Bakit walang sumama kay Kats?" Oh well, admittedly, kinulang sa quick but effective decision-making doon. Funny :) Then it took us less than 10 minutes to wrap up our affairs for the day to follow her sa Makati Med. Sobrang nakunsumi pa samin yung boss namin kasi she thought one of us would go with Kats na then when she saw our hubs, naloka daw sya andon lahat ng bags namin.

At the hospital, we missed Kats by a few minutes, when we found where she is, she just went to the delivery room na sterile area. I just told the nurse to tell her that we're all outside in case she needs anything. Wala kasi sya gaano family dito eh, hubby lang nya, her sis-in-law and their househelp. Joel, her hubby, came rushing from his office in Paseo de Roxas after a while. So yon, ang tagal ng wait pero we weren't bored. We (actually I) were so noisy, kulang na lang may lumapit sa amin (sa akin) and i-tape sa bibig ko yong signage na "Observe Silence". Ang sarap magkuwento pag tahimik ang paligid, plus ang daming funny na andon, so we just bashed them. Hehe.

After three hours, Sandy and Lalaine had to leave kasi sinundo na sila nung bro ni Sandy who brought us burgers for dinner. then two hours more, Tita Beth and I had to leave na kasi dumating na din si Kuya Carlo.

Then something creepy happened (but I still cling on my faith in God na it's just coincidental noh?). Pero next entry na lang. So sleepy na. *yawns*

2005-11-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

i want to be a mommy :)

hay, i'm so tired. kats gave birth na tonight. so exciting...so tiring. haven't been so taranta in a long time...actually, haven't felt like that ever! i told a friend, now i know na how it goes pag magkakababy na! hehe, hint hint :)

i'm so exhausted i'll tell the funny details tomorrow. i hope joel sends the pics na!!!

so happy to welcome Kyle Lorenzo G. Dacanay!!!!

tom na lang updates :)

2005-11-18T08:20:00.000+08:00

The font size of my two recent posts was on purpose. I know it's unfair to despise people who do not understand in full the details surrounding a complicated matter. That's what we are here for after all, to help them understand whatever it is about our line of work. This is no attempt to make bawi everything I said because I am still firm na may mga people na hindi talaga kayo magkakaintindihan till the end dahil sarado na ang isip nila.

Busy week but I'm loving it. I watched Harry Potter na and I'm glad I understood it kahit it's been ages ago since I read an HP book, at till Book 3 lang ako.

2005-11-16T23:50:00.000+08:00

eh kaya naman pala

so there's a two-part report sa tv patrol world on how much in demand philippine teachers are and will be in the U.S.

i really, really hope there would be a disclaimer of sorts, or that the treatment of the report would not make laymen think off-we-go-to-the-U.S.-with-no-glitches! oo, possibilities ng trabaho, madami, pero yung process noon sa kabuuan aba eh hindi basta parang kumakain ka lang ng nilagang mani. if the apparent majority impression on the report would be otherwise, isang madugong serye ng paliwanagan back and forth yan sa part namin. tapos pag hindi nagustuhan ang sagot, pintas na naman sa U.S. embassy. ano ba.

it's easy to explain sa isang taong bukas ang isip. pero pag tulad ng mga impaktong impertinente na pag di mo naibigay yung gusto nilang marinig na sagot, wala na, wala ka ng panalo sa ganon. yung writer i was talking about before this post...arogante tlaga. parang kami pa daw ang hindi nakakaalam ng mga policies namin. nag-job fair daw kami tapos ngayon hindi namin alam ang sinasabi nya? job fair? eh sira ang tuktok tlaga. ayaw makinig sa paliwanag namin, gusto trabaho sa amerika. at ayaw pa ng visa application procedures, yung tungkol daw sa pagti-teacher ang gusto nya (na bakit daw ba hindi namin maintindihan). engot tlaga, paano kaya sya sa tingin nya papasok ng amerika kung walang visa? (and oh, a visa is not a guarantee of entry to the U.S., it's what you use to APPLY FOR ENTRY to the U.S...hahaha, sige, lecture!)

if only for the imminent change in the monotony of the workload, baka pede pa. however, hindi challenge yung nagpapaliwanag ka sa mga taong sila na nga ang may kailangan sa iyo, ayaw naman makinig, kasi ang gusto nilang sabihin mo, yung gusto nilang mangyari. katarantaduhan to the highest degree naman yan.

matutulog na lang ,galit pa ako. haha.

2005-11-16T18:28:00.000+08:00

whew.

kats' baby shower is over. we all had fun. i discovered the other camwhores in the office, haha. so it's not me all along.

super tired. am supposed to meet portia about something she won't tell me sa text...neds is there at starbucks already "reviewing". naks.

then sabi ko na nga ba. insider aired a report two nights ago about teaching in the US. if i remember it correctly, it said something like 'mga pinoy pwede ng mag-trabaho bilang guro sa amerika kahit walang (teaching units earned?)' basta something like that. i cannot say anything about the report beyond that coz i didn't see it but we are bombarded by inquiries now tungkol doon. ang bad trip doon there's this one writer who wrote as if utang na loob namin na bigyan na sya ng trabaho doon just because na-watch nya sa tv yung news item. tanga. nung sinabihan namin ng general response na kung gusto nya magtrabaho--pak, eto work visa application procedures, kami pa daw ang hindi nakakaintindi sa kanya, kung pede i-pass daw sya sa makakatulong sa kanya. pasalamat sya di ko alam email address ng national center for mental health. hay. one of the many crazy people we have to deal with every single day. impakto tlaga.

with regard to the report, hindi tama yon kung what it was espousing eh kahit sino pede na ngayong magtrabaho sa US. napaka-complicated ng concept ng petition for employment at ng work visa application, and they are not the same thing. hay nako. buti pa pumunta na lang kayo sa site ng USCIS at travel website ng state dept. hahaha.

i should think of the baby shower na lang...my own baby shower. haha. sana nga malapit na. hehe. woot. heeha.

bye.

2005-11-14T23:20:00.000+08:00

runthrough

i grabbed a copy of sylvia plath's the bell jar before going home today. while sipping my first peppermint mocha of the year (which translates to my second starbucks sticker-- i know, what an ass), i read the first few pages and came across another set of words which summed up my state, work-wise:

"...I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should anymore. This
made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing
what I shouldn't...and this made me even sadder and more tired." - The Bell Jar, page 31

i am off to my second counselling session before my american deputy supervisor tomorrow. i don't know if i will ever get to tell her the gist of what i feel. i have a couple of concrete ideas to say, but i can only pray that i won't get all too-good-to-be-true to leave out the essence of what i want to convey. an online buddy graciously commented that, "when in doubt, don't" with regard to my utter indecision to apply for the supervisory position. however, when my officemate casually mentioned my plan of studying, the boss lit up. apparently, she encourages the idea of pursuing higher studies, and hints on being able to move around the work schedule to successfully accomodate both. sounds agreeable on the surface but you don't know what it did to my already messed up thoughts. see, i've made certain that it's one or the other. it can't be both. i so hate balanced options.

in some instances, it's good to have, as they say, the best of two worlds at the same time. but it's always preferable to feel one emotion, then another, so you can focus on a feeling, and be able to describe it more vividly. like, for instance, allowing yourself to get mad, and after a while slowly letting yourself make peace with someone. this afternoon, a misunderstanding over the content of a text message with Rayan (i so didn't expect that text messages are so prone to misunderstanding, duh...) had me bitching about, and he, easily snapping with my replies (but he denies it, so for the sake of world peace, let's accept that contention). it's petty and obviously a by-product of interpreting a message contrary to the sender's intention. anyway, for a while, i admitted to feeling so pissed off, and said sorry afterwards. to be fair, the gentleman that he is, he firmly stood with the fact that it was a misunderstanding and not meant to be blown out of proportion, and said sorry, too. such exercise of emotions allows you to discover how human you are. you can't be real nice all the time, in much the same way as the fact that you can't be a total grouch forever (and yes, Rayan called me grouchy at one point. bleh.). i'm just thankful that it happened between myself and a friend, because had it not been a friend, i wouldn't have had the desire to make up with the person. classic kiber. hehehe :D

in sum, this day taught me how varied emotions are. how many they are, looming over our existence. it's up to us to choose what to act on, and in the end, be accountable for those choice of emotions.

2005-11-12T16:01:00.000+08:00

nakakatamad...

so bored. should have asked rachel to watch flightplan na lang today instead of monday, or tuesday after boxing. should have gone to metrowalk for the dvds. should have followed it up after, "honey, it goes both ways".

aaaah.........

gasgas na si mraz. may pitong oras na ata akong nakikinig.

good God, i dunno what to do. maybe i'll just a read a book. oh, rearranged my bookshelves, and pushed back those i already read. last count, i have 812 books and i have read maybe 200+ pa lang. hah. a month-long vacation on a beachside and i can work on it.

wadadidudaaa.....

2005-11-11T21:55:00.000+08:00

Life is really wonderful

It is. I look around me and see how blessed I am. It rarely dawns upon me that I am so thick-faced to even want things that I don't need. Even those that I think a person needs but can't be given to me because of reasons that are way better in my favor, I just fail to see them because I am focused on having something. Kapal 'no?

Anyway, I am still in my Mraz mode. I had my deGraw moment last night while waiting for a show around midnight.

Sige nga, feel the thought of these words from the song Life Is Wonderful (the melody of which Paolo hates, and I annoy him by playing it over and over again) :

It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes some dust to make it polished

Hay. I have resolved to make loving a free thing, and not constricting, annoying, and to a certain point, creepy. The wind is hinting of romance but it's always the best to hear it for yourself, your man singing that you are his Bella Luna.

Corollary to the previous paragraph is the confession that yes, the following lyrics encapsulate what I feel.

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together baby
Free together baby

I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

I'm gonna love you more than anyone

+ I am sure someone in the suburbs of Sta. Monica is grinning right now. Heeee.

Lastly, without further explanation, my favorite line since last night goes:

Come on, Anton (San Diego), love finds a way!!!

You can substitute Anton's name to relate to your own. I hope you find a chance to use it soon. It's not so hard to find a situation for it, really.

Speaking of Anton, and I'm not being so intrigera ha, I cannot find my copy of When Chic Hits the Fan! That's what happens when someone makes epal to arrange your bookshelves!!! Anyway, have you read it? You should. Pang-practice ng blind items IQ nyo. Some items weren't hard to guess; I've been so pathetic to even write the names I guessed on top of some pages.

~ I am really happy. Are you?

2005-11-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

whattaday

i was out of the house after lunch time. i dropped by the office to pick up a lot of my personal stuff that have been there for, like, two years. i brought a huge bag and they all fit into it as i planned it :D my desk is immaculate, even my supervisor said so. she even tapped my table, and said she can see the surface now. haha. plus, i brought the artificial daisies i bought in divisoria last weekend (for really adorable stuff, go to anding's specialty store in tabora st.!). i worked on two cases, too! naks.

several things:

1. i just found out that starbucks will again giveout planners for those who can complete their holiday coupon. they said it started only last friday anyway. i was happy because the toffee nut drinks are back! plus the creme brulee flavor, wonder how sweet it can be? the required stickers this year are fewer, and i am down to 20 stickers to go. i saw (and touched...) the planner for 2006 and while they say it's better, i dunno, i love the style this year. for one, i've never had that much faith (and luck?) with sewn journals. i kept on ripping pages when i flip on them. maybe if it's bound sturdier, it might last on me. the pages with dates now have lines on it but it gets "too papemelroti", in my opinion, though papemel is really a great brand. i didn't see if they still have the envelopes with postcards on it...i haven't seen the "transition" pages per month. oh well, let's just all make ourselves addicted to caffeine once more and let's see how this new planner will fare :)

2. i just learned a rather sad news from my immediate supervisor who is due to retire next month. corollary to that update was a question raised by our american boss, if i intend to apply for the position that she will vacate. i told her i am still uncertain because i've set my mind on studying, even though i am not sure if i will be accepted anyway. it's like a moment when you're on a limbo. part of me does not really want to be the team's boss. task-wise, i know i can handle, because in our work, everything really just comes and goes, so all of us are learning simultaneously every single day. the pressure that goes with it, that i can't probably handle. our workplace has its share of brickbats thrown everywhere to just about everyone and at this point in my life, i see myself more as an active team player than a leader. now that she raised it again, i'm confused anew. i'm looking ahead at the other part of the 'if'. true enough, i have nothing to lose; if i choose to apply and they decide to get someone else, i'm still deputy supervisor. but what if they decide to get me? as much as i would like to assure everyone that i will do a great job, i am looking at another goal apart from being a step higher in the workplace ladder. it's a really great opportunity so i might regret it if i let it pass. on the other hand, there still could be other chances like, or probably better, than this one. i've had my share of plunging into things with half-baked interest, or because of spur-of-the-moment motivation, and i literally left them when i felt like leaving them. this one is not something that you can't leave when you don't feel like doing it anymore, unless you really want to mess up your life bigtime. so gauging from the tone of this, i don't want to do it, do i? enlighten me, please.

3. i'm getting crazy because NBS ermita is having a hardbound books sale, as in almost all good titles are only P250. i have no money to spare for books when i dropped by a while ago. im shaking. haha.

4. who has applied for a canadian visa? the personal information supplemental form is annoying me. it's obviously a very simple form so i wanna know, can i redo it, maybe in MS excel so the information would fit, and be more readable? wouldn't the officer say, "what the hell were you doing messing up with our form?" answer, anyone?

5. who has seen a boxed DVD set of FRIENDS? pirated, of course. haha. i've never seen one during the heyday of my favorite dvd place in avenida (in front of shopper's gold). but i did see a boxed set of will & grace, i dunno how many seasons was it but the box was huge, and it sells for P3000. anyway, if there is one, i might just consider buying it for myself as a christmas gift. or i'm thinking of going for the original, but i can only pay for a vcd set (which is around P700 per season). what do you think? my decision leans toward the vcd set (uhm, since our dvd player is broken?). help. help.

~

we aren't over the debacle about our election results because a democratic exercise may really be so hard to do after all.

on the other end, should it really come to this?

and just when you believe that watching tv means cozying up in your couch or bed...this innovation comes. what's next? well, to be fair, it's always been inevitable.

don't give us, women, a hard stare if we laugh hysterically over something. this justifies that action.

~

nighty night.

2005-11-08T09:20:00.000+08:00

whattamorning again

this time, it's a very nice morning naman. prayers do get answered fast.

first, feeling ko lang cool yon that i heard from the moderator of mar's blog :)

second, i may be really angry at one point, as in really mad but when time passes, malambot din naman ako eh.sabi ko nga sa isang friend, he should hear me one time. but yun nga if everything cools down and i, myself, get to think of things again, hindi ko rin naman kaya ang may kagalit. it just makes me uncomfy...and perhaps it's one of the reasons why it would be hard for me to be a boss. anyway, i'll be silent for the meantime..just like a reaction at the height of anger, any reaction at the peak of a good mood may appear to good to be true. as they say, let the leaves fall as they may. everything will go back in its place.

third, i chuckled while reading highschool batchmate's post in our yahoogroup. it's really a blast flipping thorugh any highschool yearbook, especially if you graduated for at least five years. all of you look different, the things you believe in, and the way you see the future...nakakatawa :D

i woke up to a very messy garage. my mom is very excited putting up our tree and our christmas decorations. me? not in the mood. i don't know. the holiday spirit has not struck me yet. plus when they do decorate for whatever season, it's always best to have me out of the house. wala naman akong natutulong, haha.

happy day...happy day...lapit na bonus. weeha :D

2005-11-07T12:05:00.000+08:00

whattamorning

it's always better to count to a hundred or more before doing something back. you should not fully trust your judgment when emotions are raging high. plus it helps if someone tells you another perspective so you won't be focused on your initial reaction. now, i'm better.

= i have not paid for the asian films i ordered but i am thinking of adding this one in my list.

= i like jennifer aniston but she really has no commercial value beyond friends. what do you think? i watched her interview with oprah last night and for someone on a roll with 4 movies coming up, i am really skeptic of her appeal at the tills. plus, there never seems to be high raves for her works. this one is an example. i saw another one of this kind, plus a fearless tills prediction, about rumor has it. as many of us know, even if it's with kevin costner, his own reputation in the box office isn't as great, too.

= after reading becoming madame mao, i want to get hold of this other book to see what/who meets what/who where.

= a mar roxas supporter made a newsblog for him. actually, patty saw it long before, and i just found out from a daily that it's actually with the senator's office's consent. i emailed rayan about it but the reason is so pathetic. hahaha. goes to show how i love mar, really. that's what i told him.

= i have not followed in full the summit of the americas but it's striking to see the difference from a press release to what the media has to say in assessing the event. but then, it's on how you see it.

am on leave but have to go to the office to do some stuff. hay. can't say i'm not pissed because i am. i should reread my college communication textbooks to find out what communication confusion this falls under. happy lunch :)

2005-11-07T00:35:00.000+08:00

thanks...

this goes to the people who took time to tag me.

DEN : thanks for always dropping by. kudos on a job well done! i invited you to be my multiply contact, too :)

SHEENA : thanks for always remembering. i hope that your sembreak's good! :)

ALYA MARIE : not really obsession. extreme liking? haha. well, mar and tigger...among the many :)

: : oo naapprove na kita. sus. at di ko yon boyfriend. nadiffuse eh. haha. check my friendster and my profile picture will tell you why :)

ANNE DY : yup i've seen the website, too and it's no big deal. haven't been in touch with them in a long time and i haven't been into camp thingies so it's cool with me if they don't include me there.

ATE CATHY : thanks for the new testimonial, and yup i am having fun, as usual. you know why. and oh, i have yet to do what you asked me to, haha! i guess i got stuck making my own babies' names :) i'm having fun writing them down because i already inserted a mother-in-law's name, hehe :) haylavet.

KACE : miss you too. hope to see you again soon.

PATTY : it's a ping pong of i miss you's but at least we say it often :) your new skin, i like...

MARGIE : thanks for dropping by despite your busy sched. the yg's been pretty inactive but as you know, we still find time to communicate if something worthy comes up. say hello to mara for me :)

ULTRADUST : thanks for the tag. people, i just knew, courtesy of this tag, that switchfoot has a pinoy member, via their guitarist/keyboardist jerome fontamillas! i'm so far behind in following the trail of switchfoot, and their album the beautiful letdown is my only claim to knowing the band. the album really rocks, and i'm sure so is their new album nothing is sound. truth to tell, i have not heard their new song STARS (or i musthave---just too dumb to realize that was it!) but it has topped 99.5 RT's chart, and rocketing towards other stations' countdowns :) so support switchfoot not only because of their music but because they have a pinoy member! weeha!

p.s. thanks but no thanks?
i've met and dealt with a looot of people, pissed or otherwise, but it's really different when emotions are involved. while i usually just let people rant all they want, when it's someone i care for, i tend to always appease, in an effort to calm things down. while i tend to have this, "uh-huh" attitude towards people who are so emotionally overwhelmed, with this person, it's different. whenever he snaps, i get jolted. buti na lang he knows how to keep my emotions in check, very diligently asking and ensuring it's okay, and his loyalty has always been with me. reactions are really subjective; could be one innocent question or clarification for someone but for another, it's something that could make him snap. well, i react like this because it's not towards me...but if the negative reaction is towards what i said or what i did, what could my reaction be? matatakot? o yun tipong, "aba teka, away ba gusto mo..."? well, who knows?

2005-11-06T18:20:00.000+08:00

rolling...

my weekend found me most of the time outside the house but i wasn't that tired. i came from cavite and returned last night. it was a bit boring but i got to catch up on sleep and read, and bond with my nephew. i am happy that things in our family are going pretty well, at least on my vantage point. my brother/s still have their own probs to sort, financially and relationship-wise. i met my sister-in-law elena well only on this last get-together and i can say that she's nice. my brother's mom is having a hard time accepting her because she has a kid from a previous relationship. while i understand that it's au naturelle for a mother, on the other hand, it's crap. i mean, your son is obviously being taken care of, he's happy with this woman, they have a kid together who's so adorable...might as well open up your heart, right? i asked my mom if it would matter to her if i find someone with a kid as a boyfriend or probably as a husband. she said that as much as possible she prays i end up with, say, a "conventional" bachelor, but if it's there, and she sees that everything can work out, then go. i share the sentiment. kung okay naman kayo, does it matter? and come to think of it, we don't even have a normal family set-up to boast of di ba? so basta maayos naman, bakit hindi? aanhin mo ang certified binata pero tamad at walang modo? at nag-uumpisa na naman ako magalit ano...hahaha :)

when i got home last night, i was so happy that my friend dianna sent me a copy of the book A MAP OF THE WORLD. i was so touched that she remembered i have been wanting to get this book for almost five years now.

then i checked my mails and saw a funny testimonial from my friend, vivian, and what was funnier was she has not gotten the hang of calling me Georgina :) several things were in the mail too, initiating yet another set of "what is it this time?" but as they say, lessons learned, so we know na how to diffuse further discussion to give way to more essential things, and just laugh it off. these essential things can mean a news that someone who was sick is doing well already, someone misses you too, someone is doing well out there rocking palm beach (hehe, hi ariane!), and other happy things.

today, after church, we went to divisoria again. so happy! dami na agad tao this early but who cares, it's like going back to a once-favorite place! sa dami ng pedeng bilihin hindi mo na maiisip what do you like :) 168 mall is heavy with holiday stuff too so party doctors, we should plan a trip there very very soon :) i was impressed with their foodcourt, too. clean and it's just so different from other foodcourts within the divi/tutuban area, frankly.

now i'm battling a headache, whats new, but i'm happy coz i just had my nails done :) my social calendar is so packed this coming week :) buti na lang malapit na rin sweldo, hahaha :)

later...

oh, just wanna share how i fooled with my nephew who has beaten his auntie in talking. bionic ang lalamunan nito!

2005-11-04T10:35:00.000+08:00

reconnect mode

i'm happy to communicate with friends i haven't seen in a while. it is sad, however, to do it to talk about a depressing matter.

i've been emailing and texting former highschool friends here and abroad to ask for prayers and any form of assistance for our classmate christina. what's nice about this whole thing, as is with most of my "genuine" relationships, there's not too much hi's-hello's needed. it's like we just saw each other yesterday. i may have said that in highschool, i wasn't really there, now i realize that i built lasting relationships nevertheless.

i am also actively in touch with teng, my moslem friend, who's happy to have not lost more pounds because of fasting. crazy. beyond religion and beliefs, he is a special person to me. he asked me about my blog topics and assuringly told me that he's always there (bakit ba lahat kayo ganyan ang sinasabi?). dont worry, if push comes to shove, tatawagan kita at ipapadakip na natin sa iba nating comrades. hahaha :) this is so pathetically cheesy but i call him my ross, and i am his rachel. yuck. hahaha.

my banana cake supplier, vivian, whom i painstakingly call vivian apple when i talk to her, has been on my inbox more recently. nagpapapansin daw ako sa kanya, haha. if some of my friends seem like we have just seen each other yesterday, vivian apple texts like we headed separate ways two minutes ago. when we see each other, lovelife lang naman ang topic namin, and mine is really so makulay at kumukutikutitap, i'm telling you. hahaha :)

of course, i'm still making friendster testimonials here and there. walang magawa. bzzt.

2005-11-03T22:48:00.000+08:00

touched

don't you wish that a workweek is only for two days? it's so utterly amazing! love it. during the past two days, people and things touched me...the dense me, touched and affected. boohoo.

:: christina - my highschool classmate and friend. i heard from another classmate that she's in a rather bad shape in the hospital for cancer. i haven't confirmed it but i already said a prayer for her. please spare a moment for her, too.

:: lalaine - it's always a bashing moment when she's around and she's always the victim. she never gets to strike back because it's always her against all of us. i forced her into making me a friendster testimonial but i know what she wrote there was from her heart. hehe feeling :)

:: nina - i know i said that i am so annoyed with pinoy big brother. however, i didn't say it with absolute certainty, did i? she made me realize that friendship extends beyond a tv show. aba eh oo naman!

:: rachel - i so miss my sister-sister :) i was about to pay her a visit after lunch at her new desk but i was told by the mailroom guys that she may not be there. before going home today, she dropped by my dungeon-hub just to say wala na syang balita sa akin in a while. awww :) then she just made me see the pics of her private event on the 30th. i miss you a lot and we will go out soon! we still have a movie date...and yes, boxing sessions to shed off our holiday pounds! :)

:: testi fever...i am on a roll making friendster testimonials for my friends. haha. whattahobby. then i kept on seeing friends who got married or gave birth. sigh. so inggit. esp with a former schoolmate/busmate. sigh. ayan tuloy, i wanna have a baby na ulit. tawagan ko na nga si honey. hahaha...anak lang naman eh, bakit ba? (you, immoral, you!)

:: derek - i heard from him and he said (deliriously) that he's been going out happily with his boyfriend, who has been his man since he's 18. so happy for him. mabuti pa ang gaga!

:: murakami. i bought my second murakami book today, kafka on the shore. a beachside reading time, where the hell are you? come our yearend bonus, humanda yung mga naiwang libro doon. haha. reading lolita in tehran! anansi boys (my second gaiman novel pa lang if ever...after american gods...but i think you should really start with coraline, the wolves in the walls and the day i swapped my dad for two goldfish) ! the historian (uhm, erwin?) !

:: jazz night...i forgot that it was tonight. sigh. rachel, you literally live two steps away from there! next time, next time. and we should have spike, too.

:: eye treats...yes i'm gonna read tonight all the interesting sites i can find. try michelle malkin. or the gateway pundit. or our own manolo quezon. and there are still tons more. we have to be concerned and be informed at some point, people.

goodnight.

2005-11-02T16:55:00.000+08:00

handa na ba kayo?

so goes a popular tag line for a sunday show.

see, i am generally happy with my life. sometimes though, in very rare moments, i try to assess what's happening to the people around me with regard to their lovelives (or lack of it). through it all, i can say that yes, affirming what many of my taggers/friends told me, i just love the idea of loving. pero tanungin mo ako kung handa na ba ako, baka hindi muna kita masagot.

one of my closest friends has gone through a rough patch with her boyfriend today. nasabi nya na siguro nga tama daw na tumigil muna syang paikutin ang mundo nya sa "kanya" at mahalin naman ang sarili nya. it got me thinking, ganun ba talaga pag nagmamahal? nagmahal na rin naman ako---or so i thought---pero parang nafeel ko na may natira pa naman para sa akin.
natanong ko tuloy ang katabi ko, manifestation ba ito ng paano ako pag nagmahal? ang sagot niya, "hindi mo pa lang nararanasan kasi yung magmahal tlaga."

ngayon may mahal ako pero pag nanonood ako ng favorite kong palabas, nagbabasa ng libro (o kahit nga nasa bookstore lang, oh grabe), doon ko feel na feel na mahal na mahal ko ang sarili ko. parang wala akong pakialam. natitiis ko yung mga bagay at taong oo, mahalaga sa akin, pero not as valuable as the things that really makes not just me, but my soul, happy. <-- subject of debate yang sentence na yan pero let's leave it at that.

in a nutshell, ako siguro ay isang fanatic ng compromise kapag nagmahal. ayokong magsalita ng tapos pero nararamdaman ko yan. as much as i want to declare na pag nagmahal ako, ibibigay ko lahat lahat, gagawin ko lahat, sasama ako kahit saan basta kasama ang mahal ko...engg....parang hindi ko kayang sabihin ng hindi nasasamid. ang kailangan ko ngayon, lalaking ganoon din o yung milya milya ang pang-unawa...

...o siguro nga kasi hindi ko pa lang nararanasan yung magmahal talaga. yung meron ako ngayon, who am i to confirm that this is love? well, in the first place, hindi kasi ako masyado sa idea na ang love only becomes love pag nareciprocate. hindi ako blackmailer o mapilit. anyway, i digress. fascination lang ito siguro in a much higher degree. maybe it will become love kapag naramdaman ko na yung standards ko namimeet na. yung mga ugali, yung gestures na may kurot sa puso pag ginawa sa iyo, those are the things you feel na parang najojolt ka na ,"this is a sign". tapos pag hindi nasustain, eh di hindi pala yon.

sa ngayon no one probably touches my heart that much to make me confidently say na i am in love...but there's someone who, on the other hand, tickles my heart in little ways na akala ko siguro love na rin. sino bang pwedeng mag-confirm noon, na of authority tlaga? wala di ba?

atsaka yung classic na tanong na handa ka na ba...yun ang issue eh. parang kaya lang masarap sa pakiramdam at nakakakilig kasi nandoon sa phase na touch and go. pag nandoon na, o paano na? this is not to say na i have nothing to offer. i would like to think i really go out of my way to please my man, in all ways i can, and in all ways that he needs me. yung right moment lang siguro, wala pa. (leche kasing moment yan eh)

so sa ngayon, kahit nga cliché, tara let's enjoy the times muna. and to my friend whose heart got hurt today, tandaan mo, you just have a big heart capable of loving yourself and your man, and other people around you all at the same time kaya wala kang maling ginawa. at uulitin ko, if i am half as good as you in showing people how much you care, i may not be loving in silence until now.

(ayun, nakuha ko ang iniisip kong term. sobra akong ma-pride. ayoko ng wala sa akin ang huling hirit. kailangan sa usapan, ako ang may huling sinabi. madali akong mag-isip na iniisip ng iba na cheap ako kahit hindi naman. takot ako palagi mareject, at kung mareject man, i will do everything to make sure it will not appear that way. ang salbahe ko pala. tsk. kaya siguro minsan malungkot ako.)

2005-11-01T19:30:00.000+08:00

feeling productive :)

this is usually the case when it's the last day of a loong break. wuff.

i only had 4 hours of sleep since my brother-in-law called me at around 7 am. i didn't take any caffeine for a while so i was really wondering why i was so awake (for a certified sleepyhead...)

i got so excited covering my new second-hand books. yes, i bought 3 again, all for 100 pesos. i got le divorce (maya told me the movie version sucked?), something happened (by joseph heller, the author of catch 22...which i haven't read, one year na ata sa akin yon na napahiram ni erwin, bwahaha) and get this, the life and death of adolf hitler by robert payne. when can i read them? hopefully in this lifetime. i was about to go back to reading the queen of the south when i talked to my good friend on the phone. it lasted for almost an hour of mindless chitchat about his trip and my trip, until i don't feel like reading anymore. i watched NGC's london bombing special for a while (alternating with shake, rattle 7 roll V on channel 2 hehe).

now, i approved two friendster two testimonials (thanks oliver and ryan abai!), created a travel blog (kala mo ang dami na narating...it will be up soon), completed my WHO and UN application forms (naks, feeling), logged in again on cornell university's online discussion site (try it, it's fun), and read a lot of stuff about G8 and L20.

weh, nagmamatalino. tomorrow, i hope to sustain this. hmm. flightplan is showing na pala, will try to catch it, akala ko next week pa.

two days of work lang ito, i can endure this! add to this is our class in the afternoon! hay, full days. isang big, tight hug nga *chhmmphh*.

2005-10-31T22:22:00.000+08:00

4 things in less than 48 hours

I went to and returned from Cavite in less than 48 hours. It was a good trip, and it's always refreshing to breathe deeply without worrying that when you start to exhale you'll simultaneously do a countdown of your mortality. I got to run a few meters back and forth, too. I got to eat veggies and stuff they say were 'healthy'. I got to read peacefully (a romance novel, mind you). I got to daydream of my future family, more importantly (huwahaha). All done in less than 48 hours. I got four things about it, in a gist:

@ Kids don't like me. No matter how much I fantasize being a cool, loving, cheesy-mushy Mom in the foreseeable future, at least I have to see signs of it this early, eh? But kids do not really like me. Not that they hate me but we don't have instant connection, whatever you can call it. Unless I bribe them with something to eat or play with, they don't usually come to me. A very recent example was this little kid of one (or younger) who was a seat before me on the bus to Cavite. She's with her Dad, her goodlooking Dad, and she was really adorable. The old lady beside them probably asked why was the Dad alone, because I just overheard the Dad telling the old lady that her wife just died. Too sad, and yes, I'll admit part of why I want to play with the girl was because I sympathized with them, and yes, the Dad was cute. I quickly brushed off the malicious intent (haha) because recent widowers could be sensitive and vulnerable. Well, the little girl was being carried by her Dad on his lap, such that she was facing me. Believe me, I tried real hard to make her laugh, but all I got was a blank stare. I tried playing peek-a-boo with her, nothing happened. Still a blank stare. Then when the old lady and the conductor both played with her (they just babytalked the word HELLO!), she smiled, as in a big smile! The Dad even tried wiggling her hand to play with me but she just looked at me as if thinking what the hell I am doing in her planet. See, it's not just yesterday. Unless kids are my blood relatives, or I have bribed them, they usually ignore me. Argh! I swear to be a very sweet Mommy, my future kids won't want to be anywhere else but beside me! Bwahahaha!!!

@ Speaking of family, Rachel and I were texting about this current plan of ours, until it came to the subject of husbands. I don't know what got into us but we ended up talking about our future partners. She preferably wants to marry a foreigner (and the hula on her at the Pan Pac party goes along that line, too!). I told her I want to marry a Filipino guy, or someone of Filipino descent, and I added that I feel I am going to meet him abroad. Doesn't matter if he's an overseas worker, or there on a visit or a study grant. Basta I told her I fantasize of meeting that future 'him' abroad then we'll settle here pa rin in the Philippines. She also knows that if it doesn't go as planned, that guy could be here all along but we're gonna meet and/or hook up seriously maybe in two o three years pa. Heehee. Hmmm.

@ Speaking of texts, I miss texting my friends. I may not have texted a lot but I got to "send to many" most of the things that I was thinking of. Not all of them endured the text marathon (actually, only one did). Lately, I only text like the way it's been designed, which is to get across a message of importance. Before I really text like there's no tomorrow. I've always been on prepaid account and it costs me P1500 of load per month. Now, P450 to P600 usually does it. Last night though, I got to do it again, and I so missed it din pala. Even if my Dad annoyingly told me wala ng pahinga ang fingers ko, it was fun. Masarap mag-text lalo pag nagtatakutan.

@ Speaking of takutan, I realized I am not as chicken as before. I guess just like any other feelings, once you reach the peak, you get used to it, nothing can probably scare or hurt or make you happy after that. My turning point, I think, came after watching Feng Shui. Hahaha! Really. Not even after The Ring or The Sixth Sense but after Feng Shui. Sure, I can still get startled but my, say, "fear gene" isn't working as actively as before. I can watch scary shows without covering my eyes, I can engage in conversations about ghosts and still be able to go to the comfort room alone, and sleep with only the bedside lamp on (although I've not mastered this one yet, hehe). Last night, I and the one who lasted texting me till almost midnight were scaring each other but surprisingly, hindi na ako affected. What with, "Awooo.." na mga text or "Wag ka lumingon baka anjan na yun moomoo", nah, di na scary. In fact, nakaka-reply pa ako ng, "O sino yan katabi mo? Kapatid ba nyan yung nasa loob ng cabinet?" Through it all, I was stumped when he told me, I chose the wrong person to scare. Eh oo nga naman, taga-Capiz sya, who and what ghost story can still scare him, ano?

Now, I'm back home and in less than 48 hours, I'll be off to work na naman. Hay...what's new. Well, I should be thankful na nga rin, so I can save up for my planned trips (puro blueprint until now!), particularly that European tour next year (crossing my fingers!). Hopefully my travel companion can make it too, makaka-earn naman sya ng miles with this trip eh. If not, then I'll go alone, which is my original plan in the first place.

~P.S. This is just me, I know, but more often, I like watching BBC more than CNN.

I only watched Catwoman tonight on HBO and I saw that Alex Borstein was there, as Patience's co-worker. Alex is the funniest gag actress for me (and my basis of funny is MADTV funny, bear with me). She just creates hilarious personalities on the show. She's talented, really. I caught her once in an old episode of Friends, playing a bitter woman on a one-woman stage play, where she's not even credited. Oh well, just sharing.

2005-10-30T09:10:00.000+08:00

happy?

yup, i am. i had a blast laughing my ass off last night at magandang gabi, bayan (they had their yearly halloween special episode). it was really funny, when it was supposed to be real scary.

i had a nice dream, too. yihee. :)

then this morning i saw na the trailer of memoirs of a geisha (Tams, finally!). i loved that novel and has been vocal in rooting for a spin-off of Mameha's story. then i saw that Michelle Yeoh's playing Mameha! now i am imagining real spin-offs! can't wait to see it here, i hope it won't be shown like a month or two after it opens in the U.S.

speaking of movies, i heard from my book buddy Erwin that the movie version of Bret Easton Ellis' Glamorama is on the works. he's also the same author who wrote American Psycho who starred Christian Bale before he even became Batman. he's an odd writer, haha.

now that i'm kinda stepping up on my mood, we're about to leave the house naman and return na tomorrow evening. hay. bahala na. might as well bring good books to keep me company :)

i miss all of you!!!!

2005-10-29T19:05:00.000+08:00

boredom update number 3

so i slept na, i watched 2 (season 3) episodes of FRIENDS, kumain ng napakatamis na lanzones na tanim pa daw ng aking dear departed lolo (that's how old the trees in the farm in laguna were!), naghalungkat at nagflip through the pages of my highschool yearbook, kaya medyo okay na ako.

at me problema ba ang yahoo mail? everytime magsesend ako ng email may verification pa. ano ba yon.

eto ko ngayon, naubusan na naman ng ginagawa. kaya naghanap na lang ako ng mga pictures sa computer ko at grabe, puro kalokohan lang pala halos ang laman. eto ba ang definition ko ng "preserving memories"? eto ang mga nagalugad ko, i forgot na lang when some of them were taken:

sa gitna yan ng tawiran sa roxas blvd. sa tapat ng office. diosmio, kung pipindutin mo yan para makatawid ka, makakarating ka nga ng maaga, matetetano ka naman.

eto sa booksale sa rob. nainis na siguro yung sales attendant sa mga kagaya ko. haha.

cap ng nephew ko na si Jappy, who's only 5. pinilit ko ipasok sa ulo ko yan. sinabi ko sa kanyang ayoko nang magcollect sya ng tigger kasi character ko yon. haha, kawawa, pooh na ata ang pinapabili sa mom nya ngayon. ang sama ko. behind me is my mom. seksi ng lola mo. haha. woot!

my and my mom's fingers, syempre kanya yung mas bonggang ring. haha. yung akin, grad ring ko yan sa UP

ginawa ko yan habang meeting. tagal na nito. obsessed? ang galing ko nga ano? cake yata yan na may pangalan ni mar, na basta! pero humanga ako sa sarili ko nito. haha, crazy! nag-ubos ng ink ng signpen na bigay ng US government.

my nephew, Justin

with Edgar and Estee sa Punta Fuego last year. i was sick then kaya kumain lang ako ng kumain.

last tuesday lang ito, see this entry, tsaka yung nasa baba rin

eto yung mahiwagang butas kung saan nag-shoot yung paa ko dati. clueless? read this entry.

hay...halos natapos na ang isang nakakabaliw na araw. help.

2005-10-29T10:54:00.000+08:00

boredom update number 2

can't find a skin that i like. as i type this i'm slouching on my chair. hay buhay. wala akong mararating ng ganito.

i visited na two online fora where i am a member. ala rin. tinatamad ako sumagot sa posts. basa lang ng threads. i can't believe that they acually made a thread to know if halle berry and billy bob's sex scene in monster's ball was true or not. hello, syempre hindi. not that i know how to see if it's true or otherwise...pero kita naman na for cinematic purposes lang yon. the same with diane lane's unfaithful...or heather graham's killing me softly (ilang beses pa yon).

tinatamad ako magwatch ng tv. pati magtext. pati kumain.

kung tinuloy lang yung pinaplano namin kagabi e di siguro medyo parang energizer bunny ako ngayon. hahahaha!!! kaso di pede. kailangan namin pareho magtrabaho 'no. mahirap ang buhay.

2005-10-29T09:56:00.000+08:00

boredom update number 1

nakakabore.

ngayon lang ako hindi naexcite sa looong weekend.

i didn't accomplish my listed tasks kahapon including his forms pero breakthrough yung nalinis ko finally yung drawers ko. man, jungle na tlaga yung drawer na yon. haven't cleaned it for two years! baboy talaga. hehe.

i'm in the mood to change my blog's skin. let's see.

booohya...

2005-10-28T12:22:00.000+08:00

i'm about 95% sure...

...that i want to take my master's next year than apply for my supervisor's position. i thought, yes, experience counts a lot rather than a degree which you may not have the chance to apply easily anyway; however, my current position is not so bad at all. i'm next in line in a managerial capacity of albeit a small team, and is considered in a senior position. it's a blessing in itself, putting me in a very good spot. plus, of course, i have to admit that i am not yet prepared to take all the bullshits that go with being a---the---supervisor. not yet. i know i'm still young and that can come a few years. if it doesn't, then it means something better will happen.

furthermore, i am terribly missing the classroom setup lately. we've been taking a short course related to work and i've seen myself read and work hard to learn stuff. i know i wasn't able to do it well in college most especially, putting me in regret more often than not, but it's never too late, that's why i need to study again.

i've been telling my good friend to apply for patent for his perpetual advice regarding choices. no matter how much of a cliché it is, it is very true. plus i know i have good friends who support me behind, no matter what. yuck, ang cheesy :)

these positive vibes are flowing smoothly, i should take advantage of them. no other time than now.

p.s. mundane things making me happy can't be overlooked as well. like a new desktop organizer. neat, pare. hahaha. gives you inspiration to make your desk clutter-free (a.k.a throw everything away, regardless of importance? hehe.).

2005-10-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

mon bébé nomme

during lunch time today, we and two of the tech people on temp duty talked about cute names for babies. (ick. cute is so...ick) since i was 8, i am known to make names for my future kids, or for kids of couples i like (ehem). i must have forgotten a lot of those names i concocted in my mind but those that i want to name my future baby/ies with, of course are in my memory. randomly, they are the following:

(btw, one request of my dad, only if possible, is to have a name that starts with "J" for his grandkids. all my half-brothers and half-sisters have families of their own and J names must be running out!)

BOY NAMES:

Julio *father's name*
--Julio is my dad's name. Example: Julio Manuel. hehe.

Manuel Antonio
-- la lang.

Jacob Zechariah
-- la lang. biblical kung biblical.

Zechariah Constantine
-- and this was long before that guy from AI ha, please.

*father's name* Jr.
-- pede ring II (pag si blank), III (pag si M) or V (pag si B). haha.

GIRL NAMES

*female version of father's name* Judienne
-- Judienne is obviously to escape from naming her Judith or Judy or Julienne. and it's so so mine! yung female version ng father's name subject to negotiation. kasi what if maging Manuelita Judienne, parang di bagay.

Maria *mother-in-law's name* Judienne
-- o di ba, sipsip kay mom-in-law! eh kaso kung si Mar, e di Maria Judy Judienne? ngek. eh Maria Corazon Judienne. gosh. haha.

Ana Socorro Judienne
--- fave ko to, dunno why.

Athena Clementine
-- kakambal ni Zechariah Constantine, eh?

Bernice Simone
-- napaka-case specific nito...

~ and my list could go on and on and on. syempre hihingi din tayo ng input kay future hubby. well, let's say future father of the baby na lang.

~ you really have to think of naming your future kid/s well kasi dala na nila yan pagtanda. ang hirap magpabago ng pangalan ha. as it is, happy ako sa names ng mga anak ng kasama ko...alfonso miguel (sandy's), erielle zerisse and erensse ericka (eiselle's). worried lang ako dito kay kats, kasi huling usap ko sa asawa nya, seryoso ata na "boy george" ang ipapangalan sa anak nila. gusto atang isumpa sya balang araw, hahaha!!!

~ this idea was brought by the deluge of emails, albeit back and forth, from two people and myself, starting this morning. inumpisahan ng subject na "la lang" mula sa senado, tapos ayun na. ang hirap pag alang YM sa office, hahaha!!! pero alam nyo, sa gitna ng lahat ng kalokohang exchange of emails, meron kang matututunan talaga, mga aral ng buhay na tanging experience lang ang makakapagturo sa iyo. happy ako at may natutunan ako sa kanilang dalawa. eh ang laki naman ng tanda nyo sa akin kasi 'no, excuse me! hahahaha!!! magmula sa canton at karekare, gatas, watusi, lusis, pang-gas ng abogado, at sa wag mong lolokohin ang sarili mo...masaya at educational naman. at multi-taskers naman kami ha, promise :)

2005-10-26T10:43:00.000+08:00

another aaaaahhh.....

from my niece lai's tag:

Anyway, not sure if u got the e-card, but i got you the VF subs! but 6-8 weeks daw, so wait ka na lang?? luv ya!! ^_^

aaahhhh...............

tenjuberimud!!!

i love you, laieesha janae jones!!!!

2005-10-26T09:52:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhh..........

i am sick. in the head, it's a given. but no, i am so not feeling well since yesterday. aarrrrrggggh. yet i can't miss work because they would be all piled up when i return anyway. plus i'm going to miss everyone.

in fact, even if i'm with them everyday, i miss the things we do, like eating out after office, trying the newly-opened restaurants in manila. that's why last night, despite my feeling woozy i went with my girls plus joy and erwin to U.N. ave to eat. i so miss doing that. and the laughter and random gagoness. shucks, ang sagwa no? gagoness. anyway, wala naman talaga matino sa aming lahat 'no, so we ended up talking about marriage (it's sandy's wedding anniversary but she's separated na so death anniversary na pala yung cinelebrate, haha), pregnancy, labor and childbirth, and even sex. fuuunnn. dami ko natutunan, hehe. and no matter how modern anesthesiology has gotten over the years, ang hirap manganak pala tlaga. bigla tuloy nadissolve ang desire ko na magka-baby. hooo. tapos in the midst of our trying-to-be-intelligent-as-possible talk about sex, bigla akong naakusahang nirerape si *blank* sa aking mind. bastos. haha. guilty. joke. (oops, internet literate na mommy ko, finally kaya dapat na ako mag-ingat ingat!)

then i am still so ill today. walang boses, parang may cactus sa throat. shucks. o, mark this blog entry, baka ako na ang unang casualty ng avian flu dito sa pilipinas (katok sa kahoy tatlong beses). speaking of kahoy, i decided to start eating healthy today. i shopped for fruits last night and made my own fruit lunch for today, then ipepair ko yung lasang kahoy/papel na Jacob's low fat, high fiber biscuits. goodluck to me.

part of what keeps me going today is the fact that i heard his voice this morning. whatta nice way to start the day. mamayang gabi i'll try to see if i'll hear him again. nanood sana kayo ng magandang umaga pilipinas. heee. and a shameless plug to the lowest level...Mar Roxas will be in Wazzup Wazzup tonight.

now, apart from working, they are in the middle of finding out how to nullify a marriage whose certificate has discrepancies (a.k.a. untrue dates and places) in the first place. kung bakit ba kasi nagpapakasal pa. well, i dunno if i'll change my mind about marriage when i feel it's time to settle down. at this rate, marriage is the primary cause of divorce di ba? hahaha.

p.s. who among you has watched Jojo A All the Way on cable? I forgot what channel it was but i saw it last night. It's like a poor pinoy imitation of conan o'brien. ang host si jojo alejar, isang alumni ng that's entertainment. i'm telling you, kung gusto matawa, manood kayo. the audio is so poor, yung band members na nasa gilid ang papayat, tas wala pa sa timing yung percussion pag nagpapa-punchline yung host. riot, grabe. one joke he made, kahit bulok, made me chuckle. tama daw pala yung accusation ni mike defensor na involved si jamby sa illegal logging. kasi nung tinaas nya sa presscon table yung hita nya to show her bruises, people daw gushed, "wow, logs!" funny pero yung punchline na yan ay galing kay pol medina jr, doon sa pugad baboy! this show reminded me of a defunct noontime show titled "lunchbreak". pasaway yong show na yon, esp one of their contests na cheerleading for badings. alam nyo yung typical payat na bakla tas every step or formation na gagawin nila, be it a pyramid o magcacartwheel sila, maririnig mo lagi yung, "5,6,7,8!" haha,those were the days. unemployed pa ako noon kaya napanood ko yan. hahaha.

aaaarrrggghhh.........di ko na kaya. hay. mamaya magugulat si manong na kumukuha ng trash ko, dahil ang trash bin ko ay puno ng tissue paper. ick.

2005-10-25T13:21:00.000+08:00

balik sa dati

out of touch na naman ako lately. clueless with my current affairs. the closest i get everyday about it is my Mar Roxas updates, to think ang daming issue sa Pilipinas at sa buong mundo.

dami na nila excited sa long weekend. ako kaya bakit hindi? eh kasi yata naka-leave din ako ng matagal the week after that. goodluck to me, i hope i get to accomplish something beneficial. nakakahiya naman. pero malamang sa hindi, yung visa application lang nya matatapos namin. someone asked me bakit ginagawa ko daw yon, in truth, secondary lang naman yung pumayag akong tumulong, gusto ko tlaga malaman how it goes dahil baka pumunta din ako don. haha. pero sa ireland muna. kahit magulo doon, mas like ko life doon. o di kaya sa stockholm. weee.

i haven't watched veronica mars and the o.c. for a while, too. haven't gone boxing too; like this week rach cant make it tas come thurs, i have a feeling hindi kami sa gym didiretso kundi sa moviehaus na naman...at pipilitin ko nga sya this time maki-share ng cheese roll sa mary grace. haha. tigil na muna heaven and eggs, please! but it still depends sa kanya dahil let's give it to her, she needs to de-stress by thursday! kung ako lang wala na akong gaanong stress....

...especially now that ill get na the next set of asian movies i ordered.

oops, 1:20 na. damn. trabaho na naman.

2005-10-25T07:45:00.000+08:00

if you love someone, set him free. if he comes back, set him on fire.

i got that from a joke site that Eiselle visited, just forgot the exact address. literally, it's so mean. figuratively, hmm...tell me about it. oh baby. haha.

a lot of people i know are not feeling well again. tss. i am ill myself. i hope this isn't bird flu. haha.

it is amazing that no matter how bad you feel for a long period of time, a simple but sweet note can make everything go away in a snap. just like that. if i can get used to this then i won't be lonely as hell. another lesson learned.

we were soundtripping this morning and, ehem, my themesong went ...

paano mapipigil ang isang damdamin
kung ang sinisigaw ikaw ang lahat sa akin...

then i realized hindi naman siya "lahat sa akin". mga 1/4 lang. i still love myself more. plus books, plus tigger.

2005-10-24T08:34:00.000+08:00

hindi ako matalino pero nagtataka ako bakit may mga nilalang na ang lakas ng loob magpakita ng pagmumukha sa mundong ibabaw kahit saksakan ng tanga.

yan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko eh. okay na akong ganito, pangit at mataba (galing mismo sa bibig nya). dahil kung ganun ako kaganda at kasexy tapos ganun ang utak ko, nakupo, hindi na.

yan ang mga tipo ng taong tinatanong kung ano bang nakain nya sa canteen sa eskwela at naging ganyan naman sya kabobo.

hay naku, buhay. pag wala na silang maisagot sa isyung bobo sila, babalikan ka na naiinggit ka daw sa kanila. excuse me. kailanman ay hindi ako nainggit sa taong ilang ulit na eh, tlagang ang bigkas pala nya sa believe ay "bilev" (at napakarami pang pang-guiness book of world records na off-tangent na pronunciation at reasoning. threatened na nga sina melanie marquez at alma moreno, maging si erap.)

lunes na lunes ha. nakuuuu.

2005-10-22T22:21:00.000+08:00

i need you to tell me what you think

I am really depressed today. I guess it's part of living well this erratic personality that I have.

There are so many issues looming in my head right now, and while I would like to have answers, I can only use some enlightenment, because only I can ultimately affirm what I feel.

* I get really upset with silence. Truth to tell, it is easier for me to accept the status quo with bombardment of information flying by, conflicting or otherwise. What is difficult here is that you do not deserve to question the silence. It's like saying you cannot question Kris Aquino for keeping silent about her private affairs now, even if she's the greatest blabbermouth ever to walk this planet. Classic case of, "Wala kang pakialam." With this, I can confirm that I will never be an artsy person...because it is very difficult for me to even draw a line. It will be hard for me to be like a wire person or something, because I'm too stubborn to detach.

* Higher position or higher studies? You can only choose one. Say, you really aspire to work abroad, particularly for an international organization (i.e., UN, UNDP, WHO, IMF-WB, etc), would you say that you need a higher educational degree or a higher work position to be more, uhm, "marketable"? Take note that your undergraduate course is pretty decent, while your present job position IS already playing second fiddle to the higher position that will be vacant in the near future.

Enlightenment, enlightenment.

* I don't know if there is a manual on how to cover your ass perfectly in a sensitive and classified environment. I would like to think I am doing a good job at it but honestly, there are moments when I ask myself, what am I doing here?

Enlightenment, enlightenment.

2005-10-21T18:27:00.000+08:00

kawawa naman ang mga lalaki

kapag tapos na ang trabaho, bukod sa ginagawang laughingstock ang iba naming matatandang kasamahan, past time din ng mga kaopisina ko ang mag-usap tungkol sa buhay.

ngayon pag-ibig ang pinag-uusapan. pag-aasawa. kung paanong hindi dapat magtiwala sa mga lalaki.

sa ngayon nag-uusap, isang hiwalay sa asawa, isang bakla, isang single, at isang cynic sa pag-aasawa at sa mga lalaki in general. hindi pa kami kasali ni Esther dyan, isang masayang nagmamahal at isang single.

si Pong, ang cynic, ang bangka ngayon. nakakaaliw sya. wala syang tiwala sa lalaki, at pwede syang speaker ng mga feminist movement. ako, hindi rin ako ang tipong magpapasakop sa asawa, pero minsan iisipin mo, nasa Bible yon, na ang babae ay magpapasakop sa asawang lalaki.

ang punto lang ni Pong, huwag natin ibigay lahat pag nagmahal. be as random as possible. and she's speaking as someone na may multiple men hovering her, na ayaw man lang magbigay. sa totoo lang, bilib ako dito eh. nakikita kong mas mahal sya ng mga boylet nya pero sya mahigpit ang hawak sa sarili nya. samantalang ako...kami...oh well.

naisip ko na lang hindi ako handa magmahal. hindi nga siguro talaga. isipin mo, kung nakuha ko yung gusto ko, handa ba akong mag-adjust, maghintay, magbigay, umintindi, magpigil ng selos sa lahat ng mga di nya mapipigilang maka-daupang palad dala ng trabaho?

mukhang hindi pa nga.

pero sa kabilang banda, lalo na ngayon at nakikinig ka sa mga ubod ng sentimental na rendition ni lea salonga ng "sana ngayong pasko", ikaw, ano ang mararamdaman mo?

naku, masalimuot na usapin. icebreaker lang ito sa tunay na kinakaharap kong dapat madesisyunan ko sa lalong madaling panahon. sa ibang entry ko na lang sasabihin, seryoso yun eh, tungkol sa trabaho, na pihadong mas boring kesa sa mga ganitong entry na tungkol sa pag-ibig.

haha, hanggang ngayon na nagtatype ako, kawawa tlaga ang mga lalaki sa usaping ito. ipagtanggol nyo naman ang sarili nyo!!! baka masyado akong madala ng ineespouse na plataporma nito, baka pag naging boyfriend ko na ang kung sinuman eh maglokohan lang kami.

oh well, hindi ko rin masabi.

obvious ba wala akong magawa? nasa office pa ako nito ha. naghihintay ng abiso kung papakainin ba kami pagkatapos ng reception sa kabilang opisina.

sa ngayon, yung separada nagrerecount na ng travails ng isang hiwalay sa asawa, kung paano kawalang kuwenta ang asawa nya, at lalo na gaano kababa ng pagkatao ng sinamahan ng asawa nya (bale opinyon ko lang yon lahat).

kung magkaka-asawa ako at maghihiwalay kami, aba lalo nat hindi ko kayang buhayin ang anak ko mag-isa, at maganda ang trabaho mo, hindi dapat na kung anu-anong alibi ang gawin para di ka magbigay ng sustento. tipong kung gusto mong buhayin ang bago mong asawa, hindi ko na problema kung saang kamay ng demonyo mo kukunin ang pangbuhay sa kanya. basta buhayin mo yung anak mo. ganyan ang problema nitong nagkukuwento ngayon. ang problema, napakabait nya. kahit hirap na hirap na sya. samantalang yung dati nyang asawa, pilit na sumasabay sa sa lifestyle ng bagong kinakasama na nung nakuha nya eh may dalawa na rin anak at maykaya kaya ayan, tulo na uhog kaka-dahilan kung bakit di makapagbigay buwan buwan ng sustento. walang balls tlaga.

hay, saka na nga lang ito.

uulitin ko, ang mundo nakakaloka na talaga.

2005-10-20T11:46:00.000+08:00

on a roll

i am. things are.

i love being occupied although sometimes (like now), it causes mild panic attacks and indecisions. should i stay or should i go?

at any rate, and any way this goes, i will not lose something. maybe i will, but it will be something that can be compensated with the truth that it's not just the right time.

vague, vague, vague. i know.

the greatest solution to this is for me to make a choice. that's what a friend always tells me. choose and stand by it.

this is about my career, by the way. my lovelife has been forgotten. hahaha. but wait for its resurrection. i see it coming soon. hahaha. i wish i can say i'm kidding and i hope i am.

2005-10-18T16:00:00.000+08:00

based on internal emails, i will be very busy tomorrow. i am so excited. it's not everyday that i'm having a really full day.

p.s. i talked to a friend and i finally asked him if he's **M, something that has puzzled me for almost a week. he said he's not but he did leave a comment on the same blog. hopeless romantic talaga ang gago. dinadaan pa sa pagbabasa ng mga libro KO.

p.p.s. it's back. my regular afternoon fevers and my insatiable hunger. something must be wrong with me. something could be wrong with me. something is wrong with me.

p.p.p.s. why the flushed cheeks while hearing a friend talk to him? why? it's not proper. i should be making progress, shouldn't i?

2005-10-18T12:42:00.000+08:00

i have mixed emotions whenever i look at my wish list.

i have something to look forward to, financially, but i know i can't spend them all on things that i want. (as my own personal history would reveal that i like things, even men, intensely but the fascination drops after it reaches a certain point.)

a boxed dvd set of all 10 seasons of Friends. the exclusive Friends 'Til The End coffeetable book. more and more and more Asian movie titles. a new wrist watch. a new memory card for my digicam. a new cellphone. a new satchel bag from Kenneth Cole. a hundred more books. a new dvd player in my room. gavin degraw's album. decent boxing gloves. boxed dvd set of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. more scrapbooking stuff. hair spa. trip to burma. (on time) Vanity Fair subscription. weekend getaway in Guimaras. flat screen computer monitor.

...and a thousand entries more.

i can buy some of them, to be fair (to whom? to me?).

money makes the world go round. anyone who says not, and would be cheesy enough to contend that love and contentment matter more in life, is a bigtime hypocrite.

2005-10-17T12:51:00.000+08:00

lalalala...

You hate stupid people!

You hate the people who always say vapid things at the most inopportune times. The ones who are always above you at work, although they know nothing about anything. Damn those stupid people.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I say: aha.

~

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

~

You are Pride!What it is:The worse of the sins. It is
desire to be important, attractive to others or
love for ones self.Punishment in Hell:Broken on a weel(which
means that they chain you to the wheel or the
ground, and roll a huge spiked wheel on you.).Animal:Horse.Color:Violet.Demon:Lucifer.

Which Of the 7 Deadly Sins Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I say: right on target. bwahaha.

~

Photobucket.com">

You are Lady Lilth

*One day, you will rule the world.*

You are quick to point out someone's mistakes. You tend to hold grudges
longer than most people but forgive people who deserve death.

What Is Your Goth Name?
brought to you by Quizilla

I say: Lady Lilth. cool.

2005-10-17T09:42:00.000+08:00

...and what do you know, hollywood is making the american version of IL MARE starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock! the movie's tentative title is The Lake House. i only have The Grudge as basis for apparent comparison but i hope this movie will turn out good.

see, Speed is one of my all-time favorite movies, no matter what people say, although speed 2 sucked bigtime. anyway, of all the explosions and car crashings, these lines are my classic favorite:

ANNIE: You're not going to get mushy on me, are you?
JACK: Maybe. I might.
ANNIE: I hope not, 'coz you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.
JACK: Oh yeah?
ANNIE: Yeah, I've done extensive study on this.
(last scene)
JACK: I have to warn you, I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.
ANNIE: OK. We'll have to base it on sex then.
JACK: Whatever you say, ma'am.

2005-10-17T09:10:00.000+08:00

I love Jessica Fletcher.

I never got to watch a single episode of Murder, She Wrote before. Well, you have to give it to me--I was raised in a household whose television habit was mostly composed of Pinoy soap operas.

I still find the new Crime/Suspense channel (50) a bit annoying with endless teasers between gaps, but I am liking it if only for Angela Lansbury. Now, an additional online pasttime: reading fansites for Murder, She Wrote.

I can't wait to go home and watch again! It's like seeing your grandmother do sleuthing work. Haha.

2005-10-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

next week, i'll tell you

i talked to a friend on the phone, someone whom i've not seen in almost a decade. yes, almost ten years. she asked me about the goings-on in my blog. she reads it always, she tells me. i'm flattered, but i asked her, has she been really reading my blog? she said yes, and she understands my sudden shift of emotions and other "stupid wisecracks". i wanna hug her that moment. for once, someone said that to me. if only i could crawl my way through that telephone line and sprout from her handset...that would be utterly scary. :)

like most of my readers, the numbers of which do not exceed 29 a day per my site meter, she bombarded me with questions and gave me unsolicited opinions on how inappropriate a recent decision was. i did not bother to argue, it was a "first-time-to-hear-your-voice-again-after-almost-a-decade" moment and i don't wanna make it a heated debate. next week, darling, you'll going to read about it. and frankly, now i know i could have made the right decision because i do not feel stumped anymore with bouts of, "uhm, well...oo nga ano's" and that no matter how ridiculous it seems (that i'm fooling myself and stuff), i can give anyone an answer--and concrete justification--as to why letting go is really the right way to deal with it. ohh, i'm so brimming with positive energy. but it does not discount the fact that he...never mind, next week, i promise.

on a slightly deviant matter, i finally watched IL MARE yesterday. it wasn't what i expected it to be, but it's a good movie! an almost perfect lazy saturday afternoon type of movie. and speaking of movies, i intend to watch two or three more cinemanila entries, despite my very very very very tight budget. oh man, life is really hard in this country. i am thankful and very grateful that i could still afford squeezing in a 100-peso movie ticket in my weekly allowance.

2005-10-15T18:59:00.000+08:00

List 20 people you can think of right off your head...

1. henessey
2. asha
3. joy
4. makisig
5. rachel
6. rayan
7. gerlan
8. eiselle
9. kats
10. sandy
11. lalaine
12. ditos
13. antonia
14. tamara
15. doris
16. kryzzle
17. patty
18. eramm
19. maky
20. junie

How did you meet 4?> have not met, kakakitako lang sa little big star at gusto ko syang i-abduct. hahaha...

What do you honestly think of 10?> she's not as demure as she projects herself to be! naman!

Have you ever liked 3?> ano ba yon!

Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?> not ever. 2's turning three and 11's my officemate! mag-ina, pwede :)

Who is 8 going out with?> secret...hihihi...ano E, sabihin ko?

Is 9 a boy or a girl?> malamang babae, buntis eh.

When was the last time you talked to 5?> talked, last thursday, "communicated", yesterday, she sent me a text dahil naalala daw nya ako pag nakikita nya si chicken little :)

What is 1's favorite band?> i dunno. i haven't seen him in 6 years! last i know yung The wonders..sila ba yung kumanta ng That Thing You Do?

Does 2 have any siblings?> none, as far as i know. kung magkakaroon sya ng sib sa mommy's side, sasabunutan ko yung nanay nya ngayon.

Would you ever date 6?> no comment. hakhakhak...

Would you ever date 7?> bakla yan 'no.

Is 15 single?> yup. though i hope not for too long :)

What is 19's last name?> Sanchez

What does 17 look like?> petite! that's what she said. she kinda looks the daughter of Erap, si Jerika. i swear :) a friend of Jerika told her that :)

What is 10's fantasy?> to be the DCM's spouse. oops.

Would 14 and 19 ever get together?> get together in a party, why not? both are young, intelligent, amazing girls!

What school does 16 go to?> phil. christian university

What school does 1 go to?> UP Law ata! wahoo!

Where does 9 live?> honradez st., makati! dun ka bababa sa kanto ng SSS at baliwag lechon manok. hahaha...

Would you fight 13?> no. wala namang dahilan kung bakit...

Are 5 and 6 best friends?> well, they're siblings...:)

Is 20 older than you?> yup. by 3 years?

Is 18 the sexiest person alive?> could be on his way to be the world's sexiest man, why not?

argh, this is a stupid questionnaire.

2005-10-14T18:53:00.000+08:00

i don't like it when i get ill. who does, anyway? you get to take a day off from work but you just idle in your bed all day, and it's a bonus when you can watch a good show on tv.

my getting sick disrupted my cinemanila marathon. yesterday, i only got to watch Jon Red's CUT.

it's even worse that my appetite, contrary to what you should feel when you're sick, is on its peak. tss. out of nothing to do i watched armageddon and cried (again). i am really sick.

now, i'm too lazy to update this blog, because i'm off making epal to those online fora. i haven't done this in a long time.