fickle

this is dangerous, or so i was told.

i thought i am over that short phase. it's amazing how a song can make you regain the heavy feeling that you thought you've been over with.

amid a few pending jobs in front of me, let me lay my thoughts on this blog. just some of them.

southborder's song WHEREVER YOU ARE (two posts below) makes me sad. really sad. and if some people get all melancholic with a song because they remember people, places or events, i feel like crying because of lack of something (see VOID reference in a previous post).

to put it straight, i am having bouts (again) of emotional sadness because i am single. there are better things i can write about being unattached and i'm sure most single people, and a chunk of attached ones, will agree with me. however, there comes a point in my life when i feel that i just go with the norm that being single is fun and is actually better than being with someone. it is true at times, and in certain circumstances, it's not.

my "logical" friends have asked me since the last world war to stop fretting and instead, list down the pros and cons of being single and otherwise. but what you feel at the moment influences your ultimate decision. sure, i can list down things such as "can go wherever and whenever you want after office", "can change your mind as often as you want", "can have real good reading time", "can rest on weekends" then the opposite of those on the other column and aren't the positive things about being single so appealing and promising? however, my present state of mind junks the promise of the pros...finding a loophole or two among the pros so it would look like a con. appealing to emotions, ika nga. using sadness and the killing effect of solitary existence to debunk the pros. now, from afar, i believe that people in love really become stupid. *isang malalim na buntong-hininga*

in view of this imminent preference for being attached, i now want to ask, "am i ready?" baka naman i just feel i am. going back to my examples of pros above, i can say that they are true with me. the issue now is if i am ready to give up all of those simple activities to give space for another person in my life. i can hear the emotional me scream in approval. but i've learned a lesson on reality and how badly it bites so i am weighing the other side.

but heck, this is not a news item so let's throw the balance of ideas straight to the recycle bin.

lately, i am feeling stabs of envy whenever i see couples talk about their day (thus reinforcing the prime eavesdropper in me). i want to have that again, and please, can it not be with my Mom (though i love my Mom to pieces?). two weeks ago, there was an episode of Gilmore Girls where Jason Stiles kept on ranting about what his girlfriend Lorelai's dad did to him. she then asked if he wanted anything. he said, "No, I just needed to vent", kissed her, then went ahead to the office. there are days when i want to rant and rave about one of those hell days, and there would be someone to listen and hold my hand and say that it's just one of those days. or he can pretend to listen and i would still appreciate it, as long as he's there, acting like my human rantboard. in turn, i can be that sympathetic listener who would do the same. i just miss it. after a long day in both of our lives, it would be refreshing to talk about things, about life, about books recently read, about movies worth watching, about other people, even about celebrities and politicians. and even if it sounds scary because it appears ideal, still, to dream is free. frankly, i don't look for "all of the above". i've accepted the fact that you most often do not get the one who fulfills all the traits in the "my ideal guy should be..." list.

anyway, moving on, i want to worry about another person's welfare once more. to ask him if his presentation went well, if he arrived safely on a business trip, if the clients were impressed. those things can be a quest for other information that are better learned not from magazines, books or websites. although watching films on weekends is heaven for me, i love having someone to watch with, sharing povs, jabbing me when i react in the most exciting of scenes, or would simply hold my hand throughout the time. i would want to experience being smirked at when i toured the mall twice already and can't seem to decide on what to buy. i would want to be with someone special trying the new restaurants in town, or eating at places i've never been to, or simply going with my ridiculous whim of Mcdonald's spaghetti or Jollibee's Choco Mallow Pie or KFC's brownie.

i like to believe that i desire only simple forms of happiness, that's why sometimes, it makes me sad that i can't have them. i've always relied on having it in God's own time yet i am only human. i get impatient. in the interim, i just want to console myself with the idea of preparing myself in case someone really comes along. when that time comes, i am ready to accept that i'll be unsure of what's going to happen tomorrow, unlike now when i have these visions of happy times and cheesy scenes as if it came straight from a romance fanfiction.

(long pause)

please, i don't want "it will come" or "take advantage of this time" comments. i am not looking for THE one. the idea of finding the one i will be with for the rest of my life even scares me. i just wish for that other half, albeit temporarily (and nobody knows what will happen naman). i am so mushy, 'no? i hope my college friends don't read this. ha-ha.

in sum, i just want to say that i feel sad because it's been a while. i miss the feeling of being another person's half yet confidently maintaining and improving the other side of ME.

it's been a while.

(sighs, then looks at the mirror)

+shucks, i so hate the shade of my lipstick today.+