Thursday, January 13

The other me.

I have not read any book about managing priorities. Maybe that's why I suck at it. Nearing my dreaded 23 in a couple of days, sometimes, I stop and think if I am really worth to be my age. Or if it is best for me to just stay, say, being 11 or 12, where all my illusions about life remain so naive and at times, stupid.

I don't know how to explain it in a way that would be understood yet shady enough not to give away what's really going on with me. Inside me. I still value the idea of being someone that's unexplanable. The obvious bottomline of my inner dilemma, and I've recognized it as such, is my discontent for my life in general. I do not really like myself or what I have. I go all happy and giddy with developments and triumphs but when the feelings die down, I go back to this person that I want to be.

That person I wanna be (or am?) is fueled by the fact that I have someone out there with whom I pattern my other me's personality. In that other me, I am better than the real me, things are brighter, opportunities are greater, yet to add more human quality, challenges are also greater. I've shifted from one "someone out there" to a new one in fifteen years. (Yes, that's how long I've been keeping it). It's what's been keeping me moving for the past fifteen years. I enjoy it, having to connect with that other me every chance I get, as in that other me's world, I can rectify my recent mistakes, I could do what I should have done in my real world.

I know that it does not take any book to finally get rid of that alter ego. I have clung to prayers longer than I thought but maybe I really have no will to change it.

I do not like myself, the selfish, ingrate me.

How I wish that the person my friends are commending when I do something that pleased them is the real me. Maybe it is, but I refuse to believe so because I conditioned my mind that the other me is the better me.

The better me is not real. I have yet to accept myself. God, it's been fifteen years. Aren't you creeped out how young I started losing it?