My desire to blog has gone down. I always think dati that the idea of keeping things to yourself is boring. Now, I'm too lazy to type and think that maybe, yes, it could be better to keep my fingers away from the keyboard. Less hassle, less effort, less trouble.

Thank you na lang to those people who made my 2005 wonderful. Eventful pala not necessarily wonderful.

I'll change next year. Watch out for it. *evil grin* My adherence to my so-so resolutions list I made in January has been commendable, walang dahilan para hindi ko matuloy-tuloy. I'm not even imposing specific resolutions now.

Basta lang mag-aral ulit, magpakatino, magtipid at mag-isa. Hindi totoo yung masaya kapag may kasama. Mabait si God eh, yun pala yung sinasabi na sa akin, "Ayaw ko pang ibigay yung gusto mo kasi yung mga nasa paligid mo, naku, hindi mo tatagalan, baka mabugbog mo lang sa kunsumi, kaya wag na muna." Grabe, totoong totoo. Buti na lang talaga. Kung sarili ko nga, quite a handful na, kukuha pa ako ng isang intindihin. Excuse me! And this was said with no bitterness. Pramis! Malumpo at mabulag na ang mag-iisip na may halong bitterness yan (haha, ang sama!). Minsan, in looking at all the beautiful things I have, naririnig ko ang boses ni God na, "Yang mga yan ang bigay ko sa 'yo bakit pinipilit mo pa yung hindi pa panahon para makuha mo?" Oo nga naman.

Maligayang pagsalubong sa 2006! Sana di na kasing hirap sa pera ang susunod na taon kasi etong taon na 'to eh damang dama ko sya. Hahahaha!!!

*My mood was ruined when I put in the very last episode of Friends. Sobrang kalungkot. I'm not ashamed now to admit that I'm so for Team Aniston. Yeeey!!!

Alas-otso pa lang inaantok na ako. Ano buzz.

Kids and Gifts

I. My wanting to have a child is only for a shallow reason that babies are cute. All the stories about my maternal instincts coming into play were induced by my opinion that babies are cute to look at. That's just it. I want to have children of my own but later in my life na lang.

Gauging my tolerance for toddlers and little kids now, I am not fit to be a Mom yet. I just have no patience for them. Little ones, I can probably manage (to an extent) because they cannot talk and defy me, unless of course they bawl and wail like crazy that I have to give them back to their yayas or parents before they turn blue from crying. Kids in their terrible twos and above are just driving me crazy. They are all over me. Can't they sense I'm a Grinch in disguise??? They just wouldn't go even if you politely tell them to get the hell out of your sight. They have endless whys and whats. Wherever I go, they tag along. They tinker with my things. I know they are just curious just the way I had been before but...argh. I know it's too rude and too selfish but I never shouted at them or rudely asked them to go away, to be fair to me. Maybe that's why they can't grasp why I need to be alone. I usually ask my Mom discreetly to lure them away from me...and she knows all the ways as to how because she really knows I hate being surrounded by rowdy little people. They can be adorable at times but I guess I'm just not fit to be with kids at this time. Actually, as you already know, I prefer to be alone in my own little world than be a social animal. You know what I mean.

II. I am not one who literally count the gifts I receive. I am really very appreciative that a huge gift and a short note in a Post-it mean the same to me. However, I have to take exception with one thing I got, actually not a gift but a "raffle" prize, which I consider the best I got this year. It was from the office where, as State Department regulation dictates, gifts from "customers" should only be tolerated to an extent. Everything the office received have been accounted for and would be "raffled off" to or shared with everyone, including a batch of rosaries from the office of the Philippine Ambassador to the Vatican. I was one of the 30 lucky ones who got a rosary, which was from Rome and blessed by Pope Benedict XVI himself. If I'm not mistaken, the office was a bit hesitant to accept the gifts but the element of religion and diplomatic relationship prevailed so we got the 30 rosaries. There was a joke that more than a blessed rosary, we need actual prayers straight from the Vatican to guide us with our everyday work dilemma :) However, seriously, a rosary is more than enough to get me, us, through. I know there is nothing much to worry about but it doesn't mean that I don't have to pray for guidance with regard to the things I want to do or achieve. :)

p.s. I am soooo happy. I have not felt kilig in a while, I mean not this much since the "heyday" of my feelings for one guy (everything is so cool with us naman na eh, I guess I don't have to say that repeatedly na...including the fact that his Christmas text message was the most heartwarming and most madrama I got!). Thanks to Rach, a little more prodding and I'll drop Hongkong for Taiwan naaa!!!!! Grabe, super :) Feeling giddy and sporting a wide smile now :)

So, how was your Christmas?

Being with people, with family, isn't really that bad after all. Maybe it's just me who's so sold with a happy Christmas equals solitary confinement. Or maybe I got to spend time alone pa rin despite having a lot of people in the house. I can't say anything coherent right now.

We got to Cavite a little after lunch time yesterday. There were visitors na (sige na nga, my relatives, haha) but I was really feeling under the weather so after all the beso beso I slept for 3 straight hours na. Then I read November's Vanity Fair from cover to cover and was called down to eat. My sister-in-law made especially for me her special baked potato dish. Then I ate. Took pictures. Read some more. Then ate again close to midnight with my brothers and dad on the table. It felt good. Super laugh trip.

I woke up early and jogged for half an hour. The air was so fresh, we're super close to Tagaytay so that explains it. I didn't go to mass with them but I prayed the rosary alone. Ate a rather late breakfast then I slept again for two hours. My Dad was waiting for me outside the house and asked me to go with him. A block away from the house, he got off the car and asked me to switch places because I will drive. Everything happened so fast and I found myself treading the village like an idiot driver would. My Dad has been unusually patient, if you will reckon his record of teaching his family how to drive. Or maybe I didn't notice if he was in his natural teaching mode because I was busy shrieking, laughing, grappling the steering wheel, and stepping hard on the gas pedal all at the same time. My Dad has always been a very cool driver so he was his usual self holding the handbrake while his youngest daughter was slowly losing her sanity. In sum, I toured the village twice, including the errand my brother had. I only had two close calls, one of hitting a pole and the other, treading a grassy area which could eventually end with me hitting a centuries-old mango tree. After that, my legs were stiff, my lips and throat were dry, and I was hungry again. My Dad is not giving up on me though but I think I'm really gonna die if you let me drive on a busy highway.

Now that the day is about to end, I just look forward to some more time for myself. But I'm happy. I heard from the people I want to receive messages from so it's there's a bonus. This is pretty much an ordinary day but I'm still sending my love and warmest wishes of peace to everyone on the planet!!! Mwahs and tight hugs!

What's the best gift I got?

Have I stayed true to my promise when the year started?

Are you excited for Christmas? Why can't I be?

I never walked this much since cramming for my thesis defense three years ago. Errands have been too much to take I actually lost the pounds I regained, and has lost my appetite. Really.

Then when all office parties are over and you finally found time for yourself (the best than I can do because tradition did not give me a bit of a chance to insist on it), you were allowed to leave early, something ruins it for you: dysmenorrhea. Looking at the bigger picture, I just think that this is okay because I love being a woman. No, lady pala.

Off to Makati now with Rachel. Buti naman.

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

The results of your analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance,

and symmetry.

You are a person who thinks before acting (oh.), intelligent (hmmm.)

and thorough (eh?).

You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.

You are not very reserved, impatient (yup.) , self-confident and fond of action.

You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Akala ko kaya ko na, akala ko tanggap ko na, hindi pa pala.

Pero hindi na rin katulad ng dati, to be fair sa hindi maintindihan kong pakiramdam. Mas objective na ako tumingin, hindi katulad ng dati na lahat ng nakikitang parang "sobra" ng ibang tao, lagi kong nabibigyan ng justification kung bakit tama pa rin.

Tulad ng naunang pahayag sa mga nakaraang naisulat, hindi ko naman sinasabing dapat makuha ko yung gusto ko, dahil sa totoo lang, sa mga natutuklasan ko, tahasan kong masasabi na ayoko rin pumasok sa ganon kahit gaano ko kagusto yung isang bagay. Di tulad ni Juan, hindi ko inaasam na mapunta sa akin yong bayabas, pero sa kabilang banda, masakit pa rin pala pag kukunin sya ng iba. Parang kung tatanungin ang pinakamaramot na bahagi ng pagkatao ko, gusto ko sana nandyan lang yung bayabas, walang gumagalaw. Pero hindi pwedeng ganon eh. Nakikita ko naman kung bakit hindi pwede, at ang mga dahilang ito ay mas gusto ko na kaysa maiiwan akong nanghuhula ng kung ano na ang nangyayari, nang-aamot ng atensyon, naiiwang nag-iisa. Sa ngayon, alam ko halos lahat, kaya okay na yon.

Madalas ako magsalita ng patapos na kinakain ko rin pag nagtagal. Isa na ito sa halimbawa. Pero wala naman akong ginagawang damage sa kahit sino; kung may casualty, ako lang naman.

Kaya habang lumalapit ang mga araw, may nagbabanta ng sakit, nag-uumpisang mangilid ang mga luha, nagtatanong bakit meron pa rin, kahit anong tindi ng dasal mong sana magising ka, wala na. Inumpisahan kasi ng pag-aalala, tapos nagsanga-sanga na, hanggang sa dumampi uli yung sakit na dapat mapapalitan na ng pagiging masaya para sa mga taong dapat sumaya. Minsan, dahil tao ka lang, nag-iisip ka rin na sana magkagulo, hindi sila magkaintindihan, pero naiisip mo rin, pagkatapos noon, mananalo ka ba? Sasaya ka ba pag nangyari yon? Hindi.

Sa lagay na ito, tanga siguro ako para maghangad pa ng isang bagay na ako mismo, nakita at malaya ng nasasabi na hindi pwedeng mangyari. Yung mga tira-tirang damdamin kasi ang hindi pa tuluyang nauubos. Kung nagawa kong tanggalin na sa sistema yung malaking bahagi ng pagmamahal, bakit ba kailangang magpaapekto doon sa sulsol ng maduming pag-iisip, di ba?

Sa ngayon, nalulungkot ako, at pag hindi ito nagbago, mas malungkot ako sa Pasko at habang naglilipat ang taon, maging hanggang sa susunod na buwan. Marami kasing pwedeng mangyari, na dapat wala na akong pakialam pero di ko pa rin mapigilan mag-isip at masaktan. Tao lang eh.

Pero habang nakikita mo na ang tiwala ay hindi nagbabago, hindi nawawala, bakit hahayaan ko yung masira di ba?

Sabi nga, yun daw hindi papatay sa iyo ang lalong magpapalakas sa iyo. Ito na ba ang sukatan kung gaano na ako kalakas ngayon? Sana talaga nag-iisip ako ng tama ngayon.

~
Ang lalim ano? Kailangan na bang humanap ni Cristy Fermin ng bagong trabaho? Hahaha!!!

my paper bag has a butterfly wand then i was a wallflower

we won the Ambassador's Cup for this year's best skit after years and years of drought. it's been a tradition of the U.S. mission in Manila to maximize the potential of all Mission employess via performances where their foreign service life's integrity can be at stake.

to say that we won because past winners have decided not to participate could be true. at any rate, even if they vied this year, we would have given a good fight, to say the least. our skit was harry potterish, in that all four departments of the consular section were "houses" where muggles seek to apply for wizard visas. it was simple, and a bit funny. frankly, the main goal when we were conceptualizing was to make the judges laugh and we did. anything that could make the top Embassy honchos feel alluded to, the better :) close to home, i played a wizard in the non-muggle citizen house where my applicant was harry potter himself who, after i asked that he look in the mirror of truth, i found out that he doesn't plan to go on a "wizard visit" because he sees himself settling permanently abroad. the highlight was when harry was made to drink the truth potion and he transformed into VISAmort :) Jim was simply awesome as "the lord of the dark arts himself" :)

some pics:

Alex as the applicant to work for the Haunted House of Retired Witches and Warlocks in Syracuse! Rachel tries to keep him from harming everyone through his careless wand movements.

Harry stating his case in front of the officer moi

It's VISAmort!

The finale scene. We closed it with V-I-S-A to the tune of YMCA. Hehe. Bumenta naman eh.

The victory moment! Andrea and Alex showing off the formerly elusive Ambassador's Cup then us with the Chargé.

The Veterans' Affairs Department, which has been consistent in the winners' circle every year. There have been rumors of last-minute walkouts and other malicious speculations but it doesn't change the fact that whenever they participate, kina-career talaga nila!!!

Last year's winner, USAID. Their theme was quite funny but it was too political in nature.

Every year, the committee gets Filipino cultural performers for the benefit esp. of our American colleagues. This year we had the kids of Pasay City West highschool and they were really talented young boys and girls. Epal lang yung isang trainor nila but the kids were really awesome :)

Pwargh. There were whispers that these girls are gonna come but it was only confirmed when they went out from the Ballroom. ALL the men were drooling. It was the Sex Bomb Girls. Doi.

Hehe, savoring THE Cup! Typical red carpet pose, di pa nakatingin sa camera, hehe :) Then it's E, my photographer for the day and myself fooling around before leaving the CG's office where the trophy would be in the meantime.

Some of my unitmates with the Chief. Si Tatay talaga parang hindi connect sa mood.


win or lose, Alex invited us long before for a cast party at his place which was just beside the gym i go to (eerr, i used to go to, hehe). The cast was not complete but there were interesting people, too. good food, good music, good talk. a little after dinner, i kept myself busy reading Ian Rankin in one corner of Alex's pad. "this is what i usually do in parties when i see that the host has bookshelves," i muttered when they asked. i chatted with them for an hour before saying goodnight around 10.

~

i had a hard time going to Alex's place because the traffic in Roxas was so bad. i was in Buendia (near the famous "hole" hehe) waiting for a cab when i chanced upon a Tamaraw fx which i thought was a passenger fx bound to MRT-Bel Air. I hailed it and that annoying asshole of a driver stopped, rolled down the window and asked, "Miss naman mukha bang pampasahero yung sasakyan ko?" Then natawa yung mga sakay nya. I shot back, "Hindi naman, pero ikaw mukha ka kasing driver na namamasada ng fx!" Sabay irap. Ang gago talaga. Grrr.

~

Rayan's leaving tomorrow morning! Aww, we're supposed to meet today but I got so tamad. I slept the whole day lang naman, I dunno, I get really so tired on weekends. I'll miss him but he's gonna have a great time naman with his family in Canada and of course when he gets to New York. Alam ko natetense ka friend, pero I'll just pray that everything works out for the best for you. For both of you. That holiday can make or break your (let's wait till he gets comfy telling everyone about it!). Pero tulong na lang tayo magdasal. You deserve it naman, ang tanda mo na 'no. Nakailang biyahe na ang naiwan ka, bwahahaha :)

I already have my Starbucks planner.

I bought 2 more books last night.

I am happy that I can "draw a straight line" to get to him (don't you just love fire drills?). Sana laging may fire disturbance dito sa office, bwahahaha :)

Nawawala na 'yun kaya nagsisimula na akong sumaya. Mas madali na ngayon i-assess ang pagkatao at sitwasyon nya dahil wala ng feelings na naka-overshadow sa pananaw ko. I will be a better friend this way.

Ang saya ng araw ko kahit wala na akong pera, hehe! Sana manalo kami sa skit competition mamaya. Hahaha :) At napakasarap ng hot peppermint mocha drink sa umaga :)

So for all the flak I got over my so-so perception (read:personal) on Kingkong below, I decided to say more about it. Not that it should matter but for the sake of having a say on it before the initial entry ages out to a day, I have 11 random things to say:

1. Jacs my dear, the youngest of the "ship crew", Jimmy, is not the son in 8 Simple Rules. That's what I was told.

2. When they "chloroformed" Kong, how did they bring him back to NY with them? Think of it, S.S. Venture is on its last sane bolts and screws, so...how? Maybe they used him as one of those floaties?

3. In NY, where did they keep him? I so love it when he broke free from the metal chains. I wanna scream, "Kill them, Kong!!!!!!!!!!" Good thing I didn't.

4. Bruce Baxter, that nice guy in Early Edition (sorry Jacs, I haven't watched Homefront) is really cute. I know someone who's just like that. Good looking, endearing, but too self-centered and spoiled (and won't admit it). But the bottomline, I heart them both (that one and Bruce Baxter!).

5. Colin Hanks (of Orange County, remember? And Tom Hanks' son too) played the assistant (of the director) who desperately needs Stresstabs all the time. Observe how after the chase by the rampaging Jurassic parkies and the weird spiders, he was still wearing his glasses as if he just freshened up for his first class, only with not-that-soiled shirt.

6. The giant eel-like slash human sucking creatures were just gross. How necessary were they? The boys were tired from the hell of a chase from the J.parkies, spiders and the gigantic geckos!

7. I agree with Jacs, Naomi Watts...or let's say Ann Darrow, has enviable upper body strength. Just count how many times she had to display that might throughout the movie.

8. You know where we laughed the hardest? When Kong took Ann to Central Park. It was an "awww" moment in a very funny way! I can't describe it. It's just hilarious. It was played on a bit longer for my human tolerance, and was thwarted by a bang.

9. Andy Serkis, the guy who was Gollum in LOTR, is also Kong. Well, at least the eyes. It was his. I wondered before if he's destined to not be seen competely. Lo, I was told he was also the cook on the ship! Yes, as in that yucky cook who makes equally disgusting food for those aboard.
10. The natives of Skull Island rock!!! Nyanyanyahahaha...lalo na yong lolabelle nila, nyaaaahhh...

11. Whatever Kong did to that super saurus (I'm such an idiot with those creatures, sorry) with a very poor dental structure (clue: it involves your hands and your opponent's mouth), should be the Philippines' capital punishment. Believe me, it's worth a shot. Want justice? It's the coolest.

*places hand on left chest* BEAU---TIFUL....

Not quite. But it's worth your money and time na rin.

P.S. The beauty killed the beast. Pwargh.

I got two free tickets from NWA for Kingkong. I went with Jacs because I can use his innate sarcasm so I can make sense of the movie. Turned out I was right.

Kingkong made me feel more tired than I already was after a long workday. It's 3 hours plus of grueling fights and irrelevant moments combined. But it's good. The effects are terrific, the fight scenes are so wow. In a small theater like the one in Powerplant, while all these "high-end" people were gushing, Jacs and I were laughing at whatever they were gushing at.

"It's not necessary!"

"I thought it was a big boulder!"

"They have poor dental hygiene!"

"Kids will have nightmares! Eeeew!"

...and many more annoying snide remarks.

No offense meant to those who so loved the movie. The movie is impressive but it's something that I can forget after sleeping on it or after 72 hours, whichever comes first in this very busy week I have.

P.S. I left my phone at home. To those sweetly texting me everyday (yihee), I'll respond later. To my "dates", I'll be there tonight. See ya.

i typed a long entry about the lantern lighting incident. then i accidentally erased them all.

ayan, ayoko na tuloy.

may mga tao tlagang matutuyo ka sa kakulitan. nakuuuuuu. di ka naman makasagot ng "ano ba kasing pakialam ko sa inyo?" kasi magtatampu-tampuhan naman.

at kahapon merong nag-google ng pangalan nya tas may hit sa blog ko. hahaha, what were you thinking? ang keywords pa nya *name* of *birthplace*. nyorwr. makulit ka.

i am so lazy today. or in Rayan's term, "so lethargic" (by the way, during his ranting session yesterday, he said walang maganda sa blog ko if di naman sya namemention. so eto na. well, sabi ko din naman namemention sya, blind item nga lang. haha, ang gago, natawa naman).

wanna watch TV na lang. in truth, i feel i am sick of something. no joke. i hope it's not something na may taning na yung buhay ko, wag naman ganon.

miss watching the o.c. na...



(kaya pla i can't wait to meet kofi annan, the head of united airlines!)

I am so stressed. The last quarter of the year has worn me out so much.

I told my Mom I want to be alone for Christmas. As in all by myself. I know it will be too hard to happen because soul-sucking family traditions will tell me off and say I am the biggest selfish and insensitive daughter/sister/granddaughter/aunt/niece/friend ever to walk the Earth if I decide to do so.

I just want to be alone, watch my DVDs, read books from among my long queue, and refrain from being with people.

I don't want to be bombarded with "No man is an island" bullshit. I know that. I just want to be on my own in a season where it's customary to be mingling and reuniting with people. I believe it's not too hard to understand, is it?

A Christmas, just like an ordinary day, watching TV or reading a book in a terrace overlooking the bay. Perfect.

I can't wait for my birthday to do it.

I am in my grinchy state and I so love it.

The hell with togetherness.

Would you rather be alone but happy?
Or be with people but be sad and pushed to be nice against your will? You tell me.

I am very frustrated because my computer's performance has really turned for the worst. I know it's infested with viruses and spywares and everything that a bad computer may have. For one, it takes me five minutes to start it. When I switch from one browser to another, they go in slow motion. I know that using an internet prepaid card isn't that bad, speed-wise, but it was affected by the mess that my computer is. For the record, I am uploading 15 photos in Multiply for three hours now. Plus, I dunno what's happening but I go into one browser and when I minimize it to go to the others, poof! They disappear. Then when I close all browsers, they surprisingly come back. Why?

To compensate for my frustration, I am happy with the way I can talk to him about things that I (yes, I) feel. It is liberating to lay your cards, both your cards, on the table. I like it this way because instead of getting hurt, as of now, as in now, I can say that the hurt is not as great as before. I think, for every instance that bouts of hurt do return, it helps me to tell him that "I'm getting hurt, excuse my being sarcastic and nasty." For others it's a big emotional no-no but for me, confronting the feeling, especially the person who unintentionally hurt you is a giant step to healing.

I got the words I've been most wanting to hear from him and it made a big chunk of the pain go away. I don't deny that they're not completely gone--- as I told him, I don't even know what to feel once it's there. The best part of it all is that you are letting go of something that's more like a bad egg among the good ones. How many of you collides with a great heartbreak, inches away to getting over it, yet keep the person involved, and what's more, he becomes closer to you than before? It's rare. That's why I know I am lucky. To enjoy the confidence of the person who HAS hurt me is something to treasure when I am completely over this. It's like I did not lose anything at all, instead, I gained more. Life is good.

Truth be told, I don't wish for someone to fill the void. Especially now. I'm back into loving what I am now, the very unattached lady in her twenties. There's a development with regard to my career, and other travel plans looming in the horizon. I know that next year will be a better year for me. With all these plans outlined, I think the chances are slim that I'll go wrong. Yay, I'll say it myself, that's the spirit!

I will be really busy to even blog until the year ends. Before the month ends though, even if I will be hurt inside, I know that my tolerance for pain is sufficient. I am going to run down how eventful 2005 has been for me. Watch out for it. Haha! Sabi nga ni Boy Abunda, "Eksklusibo! Mga bagay na ngayon lamang ilalantad! The Buzz!"

This week, I'll be busy as hell because we will be understaffed once more. My supervisor will be back but she's not expected to be that busy as usual because she's due to retire at the end of the month. I did not apply for her position, even if sometimes, I feel guilt when people react as if I let their expectations down by not applying. I feel proud but it's already done. The fact that God led me to that choice means there are better things to come.

There is a performance for the Christmas party of the whole U.S. Mission in Manila, there's a party to plan for the 22nd, there's a premiere night (with cocktails daw, so icky) on Wednesday for KingKong (which I asked Jacs to accompany me to, the people person that he is), there's a block reunion with my college classmates on Thursday, a dinner with my office gang courtesy of Erwin, an overdue dinner pa rin with Mindy before she goes to Canada, and speaking of Canada, hopefully I get to squeeze in a dinner with Rayan as well before he leaves on Sunday. How can I even have time to feel hurt?

*Oh, I have been punished. The Multiply upload, after 3 hours and 27 minutes, went "The page cannot be displayed". Fff. It's time to make use of my orange diskettes, hmph! (Trivia: since I had my computer repaired, I bought 120 orange diskettes to keep my files. Hihihihi.)

Break From Hell

I appreciate moments of hearty "laughing sessions" with my colleagues, considering the hell of workload we have now (and will still have in two weeks as another staff will go on a 2-week LOA).

Last night, albeit less livelier than previous years', we had our annual section party.

I am still thinking of what pictures to post; with the recent security alert, I am certain that it's not advisable to plaster my colleagues' faces all over my blog.

On a similar note (pictures), let me just share that for the third time, Starbucks did it again. I find it funny that they recognize my face having been there every night (that they need not look at my receipt as they know what I ordered), yet they seem to always get my name wrong. Last Wednesday, I was:

Anyway, let me tell you I am smiling sincerely now. Still getting bouts of hurt sometimes but it's not that worth the loneliness anyway. I'm happy as it is, rather than not have this at all. i know I've said that more than five times but allow me to just say them over and over again because it soothes me :)

effing busy

Can't shout, can't throw a fit, can't be a bitch, already ate any leftover there was from Estee's lunch, so to seal my 10-minute self-impoed break, I am blogging.

Yes, at 5:30 p.m., my day is just about to start, judging from the workload that is currently on my left side (and I'm ignoring the ones on my right side, behind me, and the team's inbox at the other office).

This is an *insert expletive* day. No kidding. I have no room for underestimation today. That idea you have now as to how shi-- err, busy this day has been for me? Multiply it by 999.

I'm so harassed, I don't even think that a tight hug during a precious silent moment with my man would console me, contrary to what I told Rayan last night. I don't know what time I'll wrench myself from my chair today but when it comes, a big cup of coffee and a moment to stare into space for an hour will de-stress me.

The worst part? This is not an overtime work, ergo, no extra pay.

Yes, we're going to open for business tomorrow, so it will be more chaotic than it is now.

Such things you have to go through to earn money! Some people are just so fucking lucky.

You should have watched or read about State Dept. Secretary Rice's speech last night.

And though it's not related at all (I hope), you know that we are closed for business today until further notice.

Yet, hindi yan ang sasabihin ko. I am prepared to die, kesehoda. Pag time mo na, kahit nasa loob ka ng bahay mo, mamamatay ka.

Two things:

1. I blew my top because of Mom. Hay nako. I know, dapat ako ang mas magpapasensiya pero tao lang ako, I need to be alone sometimes. Especially now. Hay. Sige, kung mamatay ako sa kung anumang threat dito sa office, sabihin nyo na lang sa kanya, ayaw ako pakinggan eh.

2. I love my friends and a lot can attest to that na hanggat kaya ko, tutulong ako. Minsan may mga spoiled lang talaga. Hay nako, times two! Parang ikaw na nanay nya, kulang na lang one plus one itanong sa iyo. To think sinaktan ka na nya 'no? But of course, hindi mo rin natitiis, nagmamahal ka eh. Ng kaibigan.

This is a shitty day not just because of the security threat.

Let's see if coffee and Book 3 of The Chronicles of Narnia will make the shit go away.

And oh, the office closed for internal business a minute ago and I did not pass my CV for my supervisor's position. When in doubt, don't; so I didn't. I just hope 2006 is a better year.

In passing, I let my sentiment out yesterday.

It's not gonna be okay soon, that's why I am only resorting to prayers now. I'm glad everything has been sorted out, cards have been laid down.

The most important thing after that exchange is that I was assured nothing will change and no one will go away, literally.

We're cool as it is. I'm harmless (yeah, right, hehe).

Time and again, I told him, and I'm telling everyone, that it's not me to wish ill of people who are bound to be happy just because it hurts me.

Hay nako, I just hope that graduate school will do a lot to me than just be educated further. Haha.

I've been thinking too much about too many things lately.

Incoherent.

Yesterday, while having my reading time and talking to Kryzzy who dropped by the coffee shop, these two drinks kept me company for four hours. I wonder now if they were really for me:

I plan to switch to Globelines Broadband but they do not service our area yet. Same with zpdee, and I wanted it so I can only be billed once for my cable and internet connections. I am having a hard time fixing the terms for PLDT DSL. So I guess I should really stay on prepaid cards as I have been for seven years. Ffff.

I am not overwhelmed by my love problems entirely as you might think. I am confused with something with regard to my career and I have more or less 48 hours to decide, otherwise, it will be too late if I discover I wanted it pala. I said yes to it, I said no, I told people that I won't, I told them again I might...I dunno. I guess let it be a surprise if I will do it or not. Classic bahala na. You will know, for sure. Ask me on Wednesday morning.

~

For those who like to relate their current feelings with song lyrics, doesn't it happen that one song does not entirely speak of what you feel, but only certain parts of it? Or that the whole thought of the song isn't what you're really going through, but, say, the chorus hits the nail on the head?

I was rummaging through my cd pile when I listened to my used-to-be-favorite song. You know this, I know:

It was inside that I cried

It was inside that I cried

No long drawn out speeches

No sad tear solves goodbye

It was inside that cried

It was inside that I cried

Don't be deceived by what you saw

It was inside that I cried

- Inside That I Cried, CeCe Peniston

"My advice to all those who are going to find themselves : Stay exactly where
you are. Otherwise you are in great danger of losing yourself forever."

That quote was from Jostein Gaarder's The Solitaire Mystery. Makes a whole lotta sense.

I am back to real reading now. I will finish the whole Narnia series before it opens on the 9th (give it to me, I have not read it as a child). I am loving the idea of people going back to reading, wheher the motivation came from me or from another person (yes, doon ako papunta sa dalawang taong yon, so I better stop).

A year ago today, below was my blog entry. Funny that at this time, my dilemma is still the same:

pressured.

grabe, everytime i bloghop, people are raving about their new starbucks planner or how many stickers to go na lang and they would have it na. napepressure ako!! hahaha!! inggiterang palaka. eh kasi...sa totoo lang, i would not feel this way if not for the barista in starbucks rob. while waiting for my frappe, i was looking at the...coupon? basta yun..then he casually commented that many people actually claimed na their planners!! ipressure ba ako?? eh kasi naman ako lang bumubuno nung akin. there are times di na me nakakapag-coffee kasi late na ako umuuwi from work. di bale, 14 stickers na lang naman. kayang kaya ko na i-bribe sina joy, girl, eiselle, erwin, tita ditos, tita beth, noime, jacs, jen, karen to have coffee with me..o di ba...ilan na yun...10..eh ako pa...11...three stickers to go and hello planner na ako!!! ganyan ako
ka-pathetic! hay.

after the fact

I want to thank all the people who sent me reactions over the last post. Of course, I know what all of you were saying. I never thought even for once that I am alone. I'm just emotionally broken but I know that my life goes on. It is and it will be. Nevertheless, a big, tight hug to all of you.

It still does not entirely make sense until now, because, without giving out the real deal, the true test of my tolerance for hurt will still be on the next 4 weeks. Now, the battle knife is just aimed, it has not stabbed my heart, who's in critical condition anyway.

I can afford to be a bigtime melodramatic ass and I'm telling you, the crown will not bequeathed be soon. But at this rate, and my pride has a lot to do with it, I'm blogging because I don't want others to see me as pitiful and vulnerable because...I just don't want to. Haha.

Impulsively, I withdrew a chunk of my savings, subscribed to a magazine I've been eyeing long ago, watched chicken little (sooo funny) and intend to watch more, joined the skit of our big department to be shown on the 9th, will splurge on books later, will try to meet my friends I've not seen for so long. But I will still be hurt, I know. I am not doing these activities to erase the pain, but only to soften the blow.

Once and for all, let me clarify, and I swear to God that this is the truth, I do not grieve because I am not the one, but because I still feel love for someone who will not be mine anyway (but stays around and promised to do so forever).

Lastly, yes, I already realized this but it doesn't really matter much: I, 47 days shy of being 24 years old, will still meet and greet a lot of people. I'm still young. I know that na 'no. Some people just like to rub it in all the time.