Sunday, May 22


(before anything else, i corrected two grammatical errors two posts below. i actually saw them as soon as i published the entry but i thought, let it be, people make mistakes, i'm sure no one would notice; or if anyone does, he or she will let it pass. kaya lang, chelli brought it to my attention, calling them "parang-hindi-si-juday" words. so there. i don't care how many more errors are there, and if some of them can pass for correct grammar, eh di carry na. pero yung na-correct ko nga parang, "ngeee, kakahiya".)

i would like to say i have been recharged, having spent my weekend in my sister's new house in cavite. sprawling greens still surround the area and i can only wish it would remain that way because it's really a solace from the city. however, something really bugged especially on that saturday night. it was stupid and i was stupid. nakuu.

no, it's not because of the traumatic videoke session in the basement, hearing the echoes of "wonderpool tunayth", the tagalog version of "boulevard", and "may bukas pa" (this one got me almost going down and tell the singer, "taman a ho yan, sinabi na ngang may bukas pa eh").

as i was saying, what occupied me last saturday was the mistake of telling someone i like him. well, i did say, "i used to" because, as you know, the proud me would never risk a direct form of rejection. like, if he says something that would really offend, i can still console myself with the fact that i said 'it was before'. he was polite enough to say that it's okay and he was actually flattered (i just don't know if he meant it). my close friends told me that it's okay because it's what i felt (rather, i feel, i never had the nerve to use the present tense to him, hay...). it's generally like saying to someone that "you're pronunciation was wrong" or "you annoy me"; it's something that you felt and you just told the person cocnerned. it should be as simple as that.

but it's not. i know it will not sound like the real me writing but instead of getting over it (and let's not forget i didn't get a 'positive' response), i felt i like him more now. it's weird. i feel so cheap (*friends' words echoing 'you're not cheap, you did not hurt anybody, you just said what you feel'*). i tried to divert the attention by setting up my unattached friend with the guy. my friend laughingly told me that she won't bite it or if she would, she will pass him on to me. i really can't get sympathy from my friends, can i? i don't know if the guy is still expecting the supposed date with my friend because if you look at them they can be fit for each other, from their lifestyle to erratic work schedules. as in swak. and i won't really mind if they click, especially if that would make them both happy. see, i'm really a masochist by nature.

i spent my sunday getting giddy everytime my phone receives a text message. before i open the message, i really had this, 'let it be from him, let it be from him' but they were all...nah. zilch. *sighs* i just think it's a normal thing to feel, like waiting for your crush to pass by your school paper's office or the bench where you and your friends usually makes tambay (sorry, can't think of any concrete reference but highschool).

the hopeful side of me thinks that he's a very busy man (yeah right, even on weekends daw) and that he just can't figure out how to either express his feelings or react to...let's call it subtle advances. i would like to leave it at that point and graciously go back to that thought when my 'i feel cheap' feeling is taking a toll on me.

i don't want to feel it anymore but i admit i miss him now. right now. and probably until later in the afternoon till tonight, even tomorrow. hmph. not to be a stalker (in it's figurative sense) but i see pictures of him and feel that he probably likes (or even loves) someone, and won't just admit it to me. i have a friend who 'supplies' me with information about him and many things disappoint me because it's really dampening whatever chance there is, add to that my low self-esteem, perpetually telling me that no, i can't compete, no, it can't be the two of us.

i told him i like(d) him because when he used to call me, i felt good as it's been a long time since someone sincerely asked how i am doing, and spared a few minutes from his busy schedule just to say hi. funny but it never happened again. however, he's always responsive, even apologizing for not being one during a busy day...and i guess my feelings just evolved. life's really a prison when you're inlove alone. naknampuu, let's all just burn our houses and plant camote.

it's been thirteen hours since texts were exchanged. i wish i could bear it but i won't text him till he does it first. it will probably kill me (yeah, yeah) but i need to salvage my very sensitive pride because i haven't told you, but i text him something on saturday night and it's...hahaha, never mind.