Thursday, July 21

mixed feelings

(originally posted in my multiply journal, now with updates)

I'm HAPPY because I got to help someone even if she does not recognize it. I am not fishing for compliments. The fact that I was able to prevent her from facing an immigration problem is enough for me. I'm also happy because my work isn't that loaded anymore.

I'm SAD because my Mom and I are still not on speaking terms. It all started last Friday; it's a long story and we were both hurt. This is the first time I was really affected by what she said. Tsk. (I just don't feel guilty that I don't want to make the first move so we can patch things. I just can't eh, unlike before when I really can't stand my ground knowing that my Mom is literally a few inches na lang from me and the hostility is so there. Ngayon, okay lang. Bad kaya yun...dapat yata tlaga sinasakyan lang yung pagka-krung krung ng nanay mo kasi nagmemenopause na sya pero nakikipagmatigasan ako. Hay.)

I'm DISAPPOINTED because I missed most of the entries in Cinemalaya, including my schoolmate JP Carpio's Balay Daku. (But I was able to watch Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros and Alimuom.)

I'm EXCITED because my leave of absence was approved for next week. (Finally, I can watch *get this* Meteor Rain, courtesy of Rachel...who was also uber nice to send me the e-book version of Harry Potter 6!Weeee....)

I'm FRUSTRATED because our food service has been officially terminated. I always settle for what they offer everyday because I don't bring my own baon but more than the satisfaction, the ease of just riding the elevator to get there counts a lot rather than beat a rather long walk to the nearest food chain. We have yet to "CSI" what happened but in the meantime, we will have to settle for deliveries until there's a replacement. (As is the case of curious Pinoys, they formulated a very strong "reason for termination" theory which I don't really buy. It's too shallow to be true.)

I'm EDGY for a weird reason because I have not heard from someone yet. I know I don't have to expect because there's nothing between us. That's why it's so weird. I just wish this would end; I don't want this baggage trailing behind me whenever I check my emails or my text messages, he's not supposed to matter anyway. (Then common friends would innocently ask me, "How's he doing?" and I can't answer, "I'm dying to know too!". Tsk. I hope you would text me, you super dense you! Hay. )

I'm ANNOYED because I saw the supposedly updated bio site of all of us employees and bukod tangi that my picture is of different background, obviously my eons-ago pic during my internship.

I want to go on a deserted island, with a good view of the rest of the world, my unread books, unread magazines, and fresh fruit juice in tow. It would be a perfect life. Of course, having to spend a million dollars for shopping will be a worthy alternative. Or tight hugs coupled with butterfly kisses from the one I love.