zonked

because of delusion. because of frustration. because of confusion.

i don't know if my saying "fuck" lately have something to do with this. no, it's not because i'm trying to be the pasosyal na nagugulat, but God forgive me, i've been uttering the four-letter word for anything and eveything i discover, either amiss or new. as seasonal as it probably is, it kinda replaced "hala" in my erratic vocabulary (although for my friends' peace of mind, i have not and will never get over "ay, kabayo ka" when something unexpectedly fall, break, burst or blow up. it's the most wa-poise reaction i have and i do not plan to trade it for any kind of expression.).

i partly blame it on claustrophobia but when i dropped by the office this afternoon, i felt a sense of un-belongingness during my hour's stay. it's the feeling of floating and strangeness, although you know all the people there, you know where things have left off (well, you've been gone for only five days), and you even know the succession of passwords for your workstation as if you're not even thinking and you just typed in. it's like i am...zonked out.

after that visit, the rest of the afternoon has been "zonky" :)

worse, these "ideas" started pouring in, forcing me convince myself that i should execute them as if i am going to succeed. among them are:

take another course apart from what you will study as a group! (for the purpose of impressing whoever, apparently)

give up on this person because you REALLY want to be single! (i am slowly doing it)

strictly adhere to this new and improved financial management! (goodluck to me, i hope i will not die)

start the business you've been 'conceptualizing' for months! (this one i can't believe why i did think of)

and most of all...

show interest in applying for the supervisory position in december! (this one, as of this typing, is something i slowed down with. in the future, i might post the pros and cons of this and you can help me decide---although prayers will surely make up for about 80% of my decision)

i still have traces of this "zonkiness" now and if this condition decides to stay, i hope it will also be consistent with the interest, diligence, patience and persistence i am feeling now. i can only hope for that. i can be zonked for life if this is what it entails.

:: zonk book of the moment: THE SHADOW OF THE WIND by Carlos Ruiz Zafron

:: zonk song of the moment: FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE by Stevie Wonder

:: zonk moment: suddenly remembering eric paredes as if it's christmas day

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