I hope my heart dies soon.

My heart is dying. Figuratively, of course.

I heard it straight, the greatest blow yet and the die is cast. You know how it feels, when something so hard and painful strikes over and over on the same spot? The first blow will shock you, the next will hurt you, and the hundred more strokes after will just numb you altogether.

Yes, I feel numb now. I feel traces of deep pain when I think of it but I'm generally too fazed to think of how painful it is.

What's ironic is that the more my heart gets hurt, the more my other remaining senses feel better than ever. I'm hanging on to the pain because if I don't, I will lose sense of my sense, too. I'll still be a loser on both counts if I give it up altogether whereas in this set-up, I have been down and out on one side yet victorious and secure on the other. Weird, but true. Masochism at its finest.

Of course, there will be no details. You can speculate all you want, I won't care a bit. The real deal may be known soon but at this time, I take pride in the fact that I know it before all of you did. Whatever will happen, I can say I had a hand in it, one way or the other---because I basically know what's going on.

I have not shed much tears. Let me imitate a strong woman who said "I haven't had time to grieve." Maybe it's too soon for me, I don't know. Nobody knows. I am planning to write a letter, detailing what I felt the moment I knew it, until now. I plan to do it everyday, to gauge how my feelings will evolve. The letters will be left unsent, of course. Only time will tell if someone deserves to read it other than me. If my current state betrays me, I may not write a single note at all. Nobody knows.

I kept on thinking of how hurt I would be in the next few weeks. This is the reason why I'm expecting my heart to die soon. Because if it dies, it will not be able to feel anything anymore. No stabs of great pain while thinking of how happy it would be when it finally happens over the holidays. No pangs of hurt when I see captured memories. No tears to shed, no cringing in sadness while missing what could have been that only existed in my dreams.

This is the most coherent that I can get now.

Despite all I've written, an invisible thread binds us now, whatever happens to this, or to the others. I thank you for not having the heart to hurt me, despite not having the heart to love me either. I will forever be thankful and grateful that you feel secure with me, taking the things I say with great importance, doing the things I tell you to do. I appreciate you putting our friendship above everything, and yes, I already told you that I will feel bad like you will be if we lose what we have now. I will take comfort in the idea that what we have transcends casual friendships because of the things we share. The trust to know your affairs, to handle them at some point, it makes me wanna feel stupid even feeling like this. But you know, like what you yourself said, you should not force to unfeel what is there, so here I am. Beyond all this, I want you to be happy. I love hearing happiness in your voice and seeing the glow in your eyes, affirming the fact that you are really happy. The blow that came today was just too soon for me, I guess. I didn't expect it to jump into something like that. But of course, no need to crawl your way to happiness if there's a faster way, right? Now, I never felt so close to you ever and I intend to take care of that, to treat it the way I would the most fragile of things on Earth. With your indulgence, let the least humble side of my person emerge by saying that I hope the day would come when I look in your eyes and I can say, with no hurt at all but instead a hearty recollection, that I once loved you. I hope it comes really soon, you said it so yourself that you're gonna help me look around. For now, I hope you can help so my heart dies soon. You hurt it in the first place, so might as well finish the suffering so it can go gracefully, and then resurrect for someone who will take care of it in the not-so-far future.

i need coffee.

i've been to hell and back. allow me to admit that no, i can't take this (for now). boss, bumalik ka na. boohoo.

i guess i'm not yet made for more pressure at work. or maybe, this is not the type of pressure i want. i don't know. what do i know?

plus, my personal life has been a mess since april. ironically, all consolations are given to me in a platinum platter, something that i can't afford to turn down. i am so full with the idea of if only for this, i should be thankful enough. we do not always get what we want because usually something better is coming along. how cheesy, and i'm telling you, i'm so tired of it, too. kaya lang, no matter how much the situation kills you, or the waiting for that something better suffocates you, when reality gives you a dose of something so so so so good, how can you still complain?

i really need coffee. i need to make sense of everything and of course, i need the stickers for the planner. whack.

it's the last day of my long weekend. i dread having to work again tomorrow.

i have not finished my blog template pa rin. (html) loser.

my dilemma on christmas gifts has been solved. the "solution" was having a final choice as to who to "order" it from. heee. i know that it's better to give but in these tight-fisted times, whoever fits your meager budget will be it. plus this one's ought to work...i'm tired of giving out figurines year after year. (",)

i'm so mad. i'm almost done with my new blog template and *poof* all your browsers hang and goodbye na to whatever you've been doing. bad treeeeep. oh well, it's my fault, i should have learned frontpage early on. grrr. asaaaaarrrrr!!!!

i already watched spanglish, the phantom of the opera, l4yer cake and the talented mr. ripley (finally) in one day. so i have a good sunday na rin to boast of.

aaaahhhh.

i have this long train of ideas before sitting down in front of the computer. now, all of them are gone. it annoys me that i get distracted by one simple text of, "i'm home but i got locked out." bzzt.

i still feel miserable but it's okay. sometimes, to keep the one that makes you happy, you have to face the greatest of hurt, too. i did that and i did not lose anyone, in fact, i've gained more. i've never felt this close. and if this is fate's way of making me happy then as evidenced by recent events, i surrended myself to let it be.

one last thing...hecklers comfortably sitting behind cultured patrons in a ballet performance should be dragged out of the theater by their nostrils. hmph. bwisit.

just before i click on "publish post", eto someone requested to type this on for your (yes, you, my regular reader) insight:

if a guy was given one full day to be with the person he really likes (take note, not loves), what would it take to make that moment really special? the scenario is it's only the two of you in a place na walang makikialam, with the works...flowers, dinner, etc. dapat di masyadong magastos (kasi kuripot sya, pero secret lang, haha), pero at the end of the day, hindi nya makakalimutan.

pahabol pa nya, say dinner and flowers, then may konti pa natira sa budget. apart from a good conversation, what would it take para completely eh di na daw makalimutan ng girl yung date?

sagot, anyone?

ang sabi ko sa kanya, you cannot plan a GENERIC memorable date. am i right? kasi you cannot speak for the feelings of the other person. ideally, lahat ng namention na, just seal it with a sweet kiss. pwede na yon di ba?

your comments are very much welcome. go ahead and put some enlightenment, hirap na hirap na ang dibdib nitong kaibigan ko eh. di na sya makakain, di na sya makatulog...di pa makapasok ng bahay nila. i just hope he won't kill me when he reads this. hehe.

It's showing on the 30th

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros will finally be shown in theaters on November 30. I watched it during the run of Cinemalaya in CCP. I strongly endorse it; not that my recommendation should be trusted, but I'm sure you'll appreciate the film.

I've been seeing plugs here and there and I'm sure you already know what's the storyline, and that it garnered international acclaim already. Let's support it.

Thanks to my crush Ping (hehe) for the poster.

I told Ate Cathy that I am better. I told Patty that I thank God I'm not capable of holding ill feelings for long. I will email Lai about it because she deserves to know.

I hardly get all stressed out about something. It becomes really obvious when I do get too involved; I get sleepless nights, a pimple or two shows on my face (and they're big). My Mom knows how it goes so she assumed there's something wrong going on because she saw my face this morning (yes, it appears that fast).

It's not worthy to dabble on what made me feel bad. Remnants of it will forever be around me. I would like to focus on a very great gift of getting over a bad feeling so easily---but not completely. Through all this, even if this "okay" stage will never go back to being sad again, it will never be the same. You can say sorry for stepping on someone's foot but the scar brought by scraping your heel on the foot's skin (yes, that's how it hurt, even more) will always be there (no thanks to laser treatment, look at what happened recently to that celebrity doctor?).

Three of the closest friends in my heart were the immediate "absorbers" of what I felt. No need for further backgrounders; that's what's good about them. Just like I wanted it, I receive neither advices nor opinions. I just needed to vent and they were there, Eiselle, Sandy and Lalaine.

Ate Cathy, Lai, Patty, Paolo, Sunni and my new friend Alita were there to ask questions and yes, it's partly to affirm myself but beyond the hurt, whether you accept it or not, there are people who are most willing to lend a listening ear, a caring heart.

I did not choose to tell Rayan everything (actually, anything) when he asked about it over lunch. It is stressful enough to start telling someone (who has not heard of it ever) from scratch and relating it is like rubbing salt on an open wound. He made me happy even if he's stubborn, and the fact that he asked twice if it was about something he did, made me think that I've been dealing with different people for all different reasons, and any of those dealings can really hurt, the rest can be so-so, but most can be great and unforgettable.

Celebrations of life and talent made me realize that hurting won't only give me pimples, it will also have me miss out on things that I love to do: eating, taking pictures, and acting on skits and plays. Let me expound on this when I'm much much sober. See, I almost downed a bottle of beer while everyone's drinking canned sodas and bottled water...all because I thought I am still hurt as hell.

Lastly, people who say they need to reconnect and that they missed out a lot because you haven't been together really tug my heart. I heard from a batchmate who will arrange a reunion for our batchmates abroad, and I happily responded I am willing to organize one for those of us here. On another end, finally, Rachel and I got to hang out again and we watched Flightplan, after almost three weeks. We talked about a lot of things we missed out on, and I felt really special having someone like her around. We discussed the future, and how we both want to get out of the present real soon.

A lot, apart from what I wrote, happened to me after I was hurt. The experiences do not really connect to the hurting and sympathizing part but they're all concrete manifestations of how good life is even if like a big brick has dropped on you, hitting your head first, then your heart, second.

I FEEL SO BAD. IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

THE HIROSHIMA DROP PALES IN COMPARISON, DEVASTATION-WISE.

I WILL NOT BE OKAY SOON, I KNOW.

AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO SAVE MYSELF, I CAN'T. UNLIKE A WAR, THERE IS NO ENEMY HERE. TIMING AND FEELINGS DO NOT MAKE REAL ENEMIES, THEY ARE NOT JUST MY FRIENDS, AT LEAST THIS TIME.

Tired and stressed. I am.

Sobrang busy naman, that should justify going back to my old eating habits.

It could just be me but don't you feel sad when you hear Sana Ngayong Pasko? Okay lang na single ka pero the best of love cynics would agree, deep inside them, na iba pag may kasama ka sa buhay. Now, iilan na lang natira na single sa mga kaibigan ko. Meron mga humahabol pa ata sa Pasko. Si Eiselle nga, kakainggit yung email sa kanya eh. Tipong makiki-share na lang kami nina...aba, wala na atang natira ah...si Sandy at Lalaine, habol pa. Poor me. Drat. Oo, extra gastos ang may boyfriend (unless prince of whatever island ang makuha mo 'no, but still, iba na nagbibigay ka pa rin di ba?), but different yung sa pagsapit ng Pasko meron man lang babati ng ,"Honey, merry Christmas!" sa 'yo! Hay. Sabi ko sa 'yo eh.

Palitan na nga yang cd na yan. Isalang ang The Heat Is On In Saigon! Weeha.

I'm so lazy to update. So many things to do. So many parties to plan (certified party doctor na ba? haha.). So many errands to do, so many favors to give out. Okay lang naman, I am not doing them just because I'm forced to. Choices nga daw eh.

What happened on Friday was fast but exciting. After our colleagues merienda blowout, a minute before we close for business, Kats opened the office door and said, "Guys, nag-break na yung waterbag ko!" So kahit she's not as panicky, kahit pa I saw na she's starting to get pale, and started shaking too, I rushed outside the office to take a cab for her. Mabilis pala ako mag-run pag ganon, even if (as you might be interested to know) the walk from the office itself till outside the main gate to the loading area literally takes forever.

Eksakto when I hailed a cab Kats and the girls went out na. Tas we let Kats ride the cab, sabay sabay pa kami, "Kats, ingat ha!" , "Kats, i-lock mo yung door!" Then when the cab sped away, sabay sabay din namin narealize, "Bakit walang sumama kay Kats?" Oh well, admittedly, kinulang sa quick but effective decision-making doon. Funny :) Then it took us less than 10 minutes to wrap up our affairs for the day to follow her sa Makati Med. Sobrang nakunsumi pa samin yung boss namin kasi she thought one of us would go with Kats na then when she saw our hubs, naloka daw sya andon lahat ng bags namin.

At the hospital, we missed Kats by a few minutes, when we found where she is, she just went to the delivery room na sterile area. I just told the nurse to tell her that we're all outside in case she needs anything. Wala kasi sya gaano family dito eh, hubby lang nya, her sis-in-law and their househelp. Joel, her hubby, came rushing from his office in Paseo de Roxas after a while. So yon, ang tagal ng wait pero we weren't bored. We (actually I) were so noisy, kulang na lang may lumapit sa amin (sa akin) and i-tape sa bibig ko yong signage na "Observe Silence". Ang sarap magkuwento pag tahimik ang paligid, plus ang daming funny na andon, so we just bashed them. Hehe.

After three hours, Sandy and Lalaine had to leave kasi sinundo na sila nung bro ni Sandy who brought us burgers for dinner. then two hours more, Tita Beth and I had to leave na kasi dumating na din si Kuya Carlo.

Then something creepy happened (but I still cling on my faith in God na it's just coincidental noh?). Pero next entry na lang. So sleepy na. *yawns*

i want to be a mommy :)

hay, i'm so tired. kats gave birth na tonight. so exciting...so tiring. haven't been so taranta in a long time...actually, haven't felt like that ever! i told a friend, now i know na how it goes pag magkakababy na! hehe, hint hint :)

i'm so exhausted i'll tell the funny details tomorrow. i hope joel sends the pics na!!!

so happy to welcome Kyle Lorenzo G. Dacanay!!!!

tom na lang updates :)

The font size of my two recent posts was on purpose. I know it's unfair to despise people who do not understand in full the details surrounding a complicated matter. That's what we are here for after all, to help them understand whatever it is about our line of work. This is no attempt to make bawi everything I said because I am still firm na may mga people na hindi talaga kayo magkakaintindihan till the end dahil sarado na ang isip nila.

Busy week but I'm loving it. I watched Harry Potter na and I'm glad I understood it kahit it's been ages ago since I read an HP book, at till Book 3 lang ako.

eh kaya naman pala

so there's a two-part report sa tv patrol world on how much in demand philippine teachers are and will be in the U.S.

i really, really hope there would be a disclaimer of sorts, or that the treatment of the report would not make laymen think off-we-go-to-the-U.S.-with-no-glitches! oo, possibilities ng trabaho, madami, pero yung process noon sa kabuuan aba eh hindi basta parang kumakain ka lang ng nilagang mani. if the apparent majority impression on the report would be otherwise, isang madugong serye ng paliwanagan back and forth yan sa part namin. tapos pag hindi nagustuhan ang sagot, pintas na naman sa U.S. embassy. ano ba.

it's easy to explain sa isang taong bukas ang isip. pero pag tulad ng mga impaktong impertinente na pag di mo naibigay yung gusto nilang marinig na sagot, wala na, wala ka ng panalo sa ganon. yung writer i was talking about before this post...arogante tlaga. parang kami pa daw ang hindi nakakaalam ng mga policies namin. nag-job fair daw kami tapos ngayon hindi namin alam ang sinasabi nya? job fair? eh sira ang tuktok tlaga. ayaw makinig sa paliwanag namin, gusto trabaho sa amerika. at ayaw pa ng visa application procedures, yung tungkol daw sa pagti-teacher ang gusto nya (na bakit daw ba hindi namin maintindihan). engot tlaga, paano kaya sya sa tingin nya papasok ng amerika kung walang visa? (and oh, a visa is not a guarantee of entry to the U.S., it's what you use to APPLY FOR ENTRY to the U.S...hahaha, sige, lecture!)

if only for the imminent change in the monotony of the workload, baka pede pa. however, hindi challenge yung nagpapaliwanag ka sa mga taong sila na nga ang may kailangan sa iyo, ayaw naman makinig, kasi ang gusto nilang sabihin mo, yung gusto nilang mangyari. katarantaduhan to the highest degree naman yan.

matutulog na lang ,galit pa ako. haha.

whew.

kats' baby shower is over. we all had fun. i discovered the other camwhores in the office, haha. so it's not me all along.

super tired. am supposed to meet portia about something she won't tell me sa text...neds is there at starbucks already "reviewing". naks.

then sabi ko na nga ba. insider aired a report two nights ago about teaching in the US. if i remember it correctly, it said something like 'mga pinoy pwede ng mag-trabaho bilang guro sa amerika kahit walang (teaching units earned?)' basta something like that. i cannot say anything about the report beyond that coz i didn't see it but we are bombarded by inquiries now tungkol doon. ang bad trip doon there's this one writer who wrote as if utang na loob namin na bigyan na sya ng trabaho doon just because na-watch nya sa tv yung news item. tanga. nung sinabihan namin ng general response na kung gusto nya magtrabaho--pak, eto work visa application procedures, kami pa daw ang hindi nakakaintindi sa kanya, kung pede i-pass daw sya sa makakatulong sa kanya. pasalamat sya di ko alam email address ng national center for mental health. hay. one of the many crazy people we have to deal with every single day. impakto tlaga.

with regard to the report, hindi tama yon kung what it was espousing eh kahit sino pede na ngayong magtrabaho sa US. napaka-complicated ng concept ng petition for employment at ng work visa application, and they are not the same thing. hay nako. buti pa pumunta na lang kayo sa site ng USCIS at travel website ng state dept. hahaha.

i should think of the baby shower na lang...my own baby shower. haha. sana nga malapit na. hehe. woot. heeha.

bye.

runthrough

i grabbed a copy of sylvia plath's the bell jar before going home today. while sipping my first peppermint mocha of the year (which translates to my second starbucks sticker-- i know, what an ass), i read the first few pages and came across another set of words which summed up my state, work-wise:

"...I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should anymore. This
made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing
what I shouldn't...and this made me even sadder and more tired." - The Bell Jar, page 31

i am off to my second counselling session before my american deputy supervisor tomorrow. i don't know if i will ever get to tell her the gist of what i feel. i have a couple of concrete ideas to say, but i can only pray that i won't get all too-good-to-be-true to leave out the essence of what i want to convey. an online buddy graciously commented that, "when in doubt, don't" with regard to my utter indecision to apply for the supervisory position. however, when my officemate casually mentioned my plan of studying, the boss lit up. apparently, she encourages the idea of pursuing higher studies, and hints on being able to move around the work schedule to successfully accomodate both. sounds agreeable on the surface but you don't know what it did to my already messed up thoughts. see, i've made certain that it's one or the other. it can't be both. i so hate balanced options.

in some instances, it's good to have, as they say, the best of two worlds at the same time. but it's always preferable to feel one emotion, then another, so you can focus on a feeling, and be able to describe it more vividly. like, for instance, allowing yourself to get mad, and after a while slowly letting yourself make peace with someone. this afternoon, a misunderstanding over the content of a text message with Rayan (i so didn't expect that text messages are so prone to misunderstanding, duh...) had me bitching about, and he, easily snapping with my replies (but he denies it, so for the sake of world peace, let's accept that contention). it's petty and obviously a by-product of interpreting a message contrary to the sender's intention. anyway, for a while, i admitted to feeling so pissed off, and said sorry afterwards. to be fair, the gentleman that he is, he firmly stood with the fact that it was a misunderstanding and not meant to be blown out of proportion, and said sorry, too. such exercise of emotions allows you to discover how human you are. you can't be real nice all the time, in much the same way as the fact that you can't be a total grouch forever (and yes, Rayan called me grouchy at one point. bleh.). i'm just thankful that it happened between myself and a friend, because had it not been a friend, i wouldn't have had the desire to make up with the person. classic kiber. hehehe :D

in sum, this day taught me how varied emotions are. how many they are, looming over our existence. it's up to us to choose what to act on, and in the end, be accountable for those choice of emotions.

nakakatamad...

so bored. should have asked rachel to watch flightplan na lang today instead of monday, or tuesday after boxing. should have gone to metrowalk for the dvds. should have followed it up after, "honey, it goes both ways".

aaaah.........

gasgas na si mraz. may pitong oras na ata akong nakikinig.

good God, i dunno what to do. maybe i'll just a read a book. oh, rearranged my bookshelves, and pushed back those i already read. last count, i have 812 books and i have read maybe 200+ pa lang. hah. a month-long vacation on a beachside and i can work on it.

wadadidudaaa.....

Life is really wonderful

It is. I look around me and see how blessed I am. It rarely dawns upon me that I am so thick-faced to even want things that I don't need. Even those that I think a person needs but can't be given to me because of reasons that are way better in my favor, I just fail to see them because I am focused on having something. Kapal 'no?

Anyway, I am still in my Mraz mode. I had my deGraw moment last night while waiting for a show around midnight.

Sige nga, feel the thought of these words from the song Life Is Wonderful (the melody of which Paolo hates, and I annoy him by playing it over and over again) :

It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes some dust to make it polished

Hay. I have resolved to make loving a free thing, and not constricting, annoying, and to a certain point, creepy. The wind is hinting of romance but it's always the best to hear it for yourself, your man singing that you are his Bella Luna.

Corollary to the previous paragraph is the confession that yes, the following lyrics encapsulate what I feel.

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together baby
Free together baby

I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

I'm gonna love you more than anyone

+ I am sure someone in the suburbs of Sta. Monica is grinning right now. Heeee.

Lastly, without further explanation, my favorite line since last night goes:

Come on, Anton (San Diego), love finds a way!!!

You can substitute Anton's name to relate to your own. I hope you find a chance to use it soon. It's not so hard to find a situation for it, really.

Speaking of Anton, and I'm not being so intrigera ha, I cannot find my copy of When Chic Hits the Fan! That's what happens when someone makes epal to arrange your bookshelves!!! Anyway, have you read it? You should. Pang-practice ng blind items IQ nyo. Some items weren't hard to guess; I've been so pathetic to even write the names I guessed on top of some pages.

~ I am really happy. Are you?

whattaday

i was out of the house after lunch time. i dropped by the office to pick up a lot of my personal stuff that have been there for, like, two years. i brought a huge bag and they all fit into it as i planned it :D my desk is immaculate, even my supervisor said so. she even tapped my table, and said she can see the surface now. haha. plus, i brought the artificial daisies i bought in divisoria last weekend (for really adorable stuff, go to anding's specialty store in tabora st.!). i worked on two cases, too! naks.

several things:

1. i just found out that starbucks will again giveout planners for those who can complete their holiday coupon. they said it started only last friday anyway. i was happy because the toffee nut drinks are back! plus the creme brulee flavor, wonder how sweet it can be? the required stickers this year are fewer, and i am down to 20 stickers to go. i saw (and touched...) the planner for 2006 and while they say it's better, i dunno, i love the style this year. for one, i've never had that much faith (and luck?) with sewn journals. i kept on ripping pages when i flip on them. maybe if it's bound sturdier, it might last on me. the pages with dates now have lines on it but it gets "too papemelroti", in my opinion, though papemel is really a great brand. i didn't see if they still have the envelopes with postcards on it...i haven't seen the "transition" pages per month. oh well, let's just all make ourselves addicted to caffeine once more and let's see how this new planner will fare :)

2. i just learned a rather sad news from my immediate supervisor who is due to retire next month. corollary to that update was a question raised by our american boss, if i intend to apply for the position that she will vacate. i told her i am still uncertain because i've set my mind on studying, even though i am not sure if i will be accepted anyway. it's like a moment when you're on a limbo. part of me does not really want to be the team's boss. task-wise, i know i can handle, because in our work, everything really just comes and goes, so all of us are learning simultaneously every single day. the pressure that goes with it, that i can't probably handle. our workplace has its share of brickbats thrown everywhere to just about everyone and at this point in my life, i see myself more as an active team player than a leader. now that she raised it again, i'm confused anew. i'm looking ahead at the other part of the 'if'. true enough, i have nothing to lose; if i choose to apply and they decide to get someone else, i'm still deputy supervisor. but what if they decide to get me? as much as i would like to assure everyone that i will do a great job, i am looking at another goal apart from being a step higher in the workplace ladder. it's a really great opportunity so i might regret it if i let it pass. on the other hand, there still could be other chances like, or probably better, than this one. i've had my share of plunging into things with half-baked interest, or because of spur-of-the-moment motivation, and i literally left them when i felt like leaving them. this one is not something that you can't leave when you don't feel like doing it anymore, unless you really want to mess up your life bigtime. so gauging from the tone of this, i don't want to do it, do i? enlighten me, please.

3. i'm getting crazy because NBS ermita is having a hardbound books sale, as in almost all good titles are only P250. i have no money to spare for books when i dropped by a while ago. im shaking. haha.

4. who has applied for a canadian visa? the personal information supplemental form is annoying me. it's obviously a very simple form so i wanna know, can i redo it, maybe in MS excel so the information would fit, and be more readable? wouldn't the officer say, "what the hell were you doing messing up with our form?" answer, anyone?

5. who has seen a boxed DVD set of FRIENDS? pirated, of course. haha. i've never seen one during the heyday of my favorite dvd place in avenida (in front of shopper's gold). but i did see a boxed set of will & grace, i dunno how many seasons was it but the box was huge, and it sells for P3000. anyway, if there is one, i might just consider buying it for myself as a christmas gift. or i'm thinking of going for the original, but i can only pay for a vcd set (which is around P700 per season). what do you think? my decision leans toward the vcd set (uhm, since our dvd player is broken?). help. help.

~

we aren't over the debacle about our election results because a democratic exercise may really be so hard to do after all.

on the other end, should it really come to this?

and just when you believe that watching tv means cozying up in your couch or bed...this innovation comes. what's next? well, to be fair, it's always been inevitable.

don't give us, women, a hard stare if we laugh hysterically over something. this justifies that action.

~

nighty night.

whattamorning again

this time, it's a very nice morning naman. prayers do get answered fast.

first, feeling ko lang cool yon that i heard from the moderator of mar's blog :)

second, i may be really angry at one point, as in really mad but when time passes, malambot din naman ako eh.sabi ko nga sa isang friend, he should hear me one time. but yun nga if everything cools down and i, myself, get to think of things again, hindi ko rin naman kaya ang may kagalit. it just makes me uncomfy...and perhaps it's one of the reasons why it would be hard for me to be a boss. anyway, i'll be silent for the meantime..just like a reaction at the height of anger, any reaction at the peak of a good mood may appear to good to be true. as they say, let the leaves fall as they may. everything will go back in its place.

third, i chuckled while reading highschool batchmate's post in our yahoogroup. it's really a blast flipping thorugh any highschool yearbook, especially if you graduated for at least five years. all of you look different, the things you believe in, and the way you see the future...nakakatawa :D

i woke up to a very messy garage. my mom is very excited putting up our tree and our christmas decorations. me? not in the mood. i don't know. the holiday spirit has not struck me yet. plus when they do decorate for whatever season, it's always best to have me out of the house. wala naman akong natutulong, haha.

happy day...happy day...lapit na bonus. weeha :D

whattamorning

it's always better to count to a hundred or more before doing something back. you should not fully trust your judgment when emotions are raging high. plus it helps if someone tells you another perspective so you won't be focused on your initial reaction. now, i'm better.

= i have not paid for the asian films i ordered but i am thinking of adding this one in my list.

= i like jennifer aniston but she really has no commercial value beyond friends. what do you think? i watched her interview with oprah last night and for someone on a roll with 4 movies coming up, i am really skeptic of her appeal at the tills. plus, there never seems to be high raves for her works. this one is an example. i saw another one of this kind, plus a fearless tills prediction, about rumor has it. as many of us know, even if it's with kevin costner, his own reputation in the box office isn't as great, too.

= after reading becoming madame mao, i want to get hold of this other book to see what/who meets what/who where.

= a mar roxas supporter made a newsblog for him. actually, patty saw it long before, and i just found out from a daily that it's actually with the senator's office's consent. i emailed rayan about it but the reason is so pathetic. hahaha. goes to show how i love mar, really. that's what i told him.

= i have not followed in full the summit of the americas but it's striking to see the difference from a press release to what the media has to say in assessing the event. but then, it's on how you see it.

am on leave but have to go to the office to do some stuff. hay. can't say i'm not pissed because i am. i should reread my college communication textbooks to find out what communication confusion this falls under. happy lunch :)

thanks...

this goes to the people who took time to tag me.

DEN : thanks for always dropping by. kudos on a job well done! i invited you to be my multiply contact, too :)

SHEENA : thanks for always remembering. i hope that your sembreak's good! :)

ALYA MARIE : not really obsession. extreme liking? haha. well, mar and tigger...among the many :)

: : oo naapprove na kita. sus. at di ko yon boyfriend. nadiffuse eh. haha. check my friendster and my profile picture will tell you why :)

ANNE DY : yup i've seen the website, too and it's no big deal. haven't been in touch with them in a long time and i haven't been into camp thingies so it's cool with me if they don't include me there.

ATE CATHY : thanks for the new testimonial, and yup i am having fun, as usual. you know why. and oh, i have yet to do what you asked me to, haha! i guess i got stuck making my own babies' names :) i'm having fun writing them down because i already inserted a mother-in-law's name, hehe :) haylavet.

KACE : miss you too. hope to see you again soon.

PATTY : it's a ping pong of i miss you's but at least we say it often :) your new skin, i like...

MARGIE : thanks for dropping by despite your busy sched. the yg's been pretty inactive but as you know, we still find time to communicate if something worthy comes up. say hello to mara for me :)

ULTRADUST : thanks for the tag. people, i just knew, courtesy of this tag, that switchfoot has a pinoy member, via their guitarist/keyboardist jerome fontamillas! i'm so far behind in following the trail of switchfoot, and their album the beautiful letdown is my only claim to knowing the band. the album really rocks, and i'm sure so is their new album nothing is sound. truth to tell, i have not heard their new song STARS (or i musthave---just too dumb to realize that was it!) but it has topped 99.5 RT's chart, and rocketing towards other stations' countdowns :) so support switchfoot not only because of their music but because they have a pinoy member! weeha!

p.s. thanks but no thanks?
i've met and dealt with a looot of people, pissed or otherwise, but it's really different when emotions are involved. while i usually just let people rant all they want, when it's someone i care for, i tend to always appease, in an effort to calm things down. while i tend to have this, "uh-huh" attitude towards people who are so emotionally overwhelmed, with this person, it's different. whenever he snaps, i get jolted. buti na lang he knows how to keep my emotions in check, very diligently asking and ensuring it's okay, and his loyalty has always been with me. reactions are really subjective; could be one innocent question or clarification for someone but for another, it's something that could make him snap. well, i react like this because it's not towards me...but if the negative reaction is towards what i said or what i did, what could my reaction be? matatakot? o yun tipong, "aba teka, away ba gusto mo..."? well, who knows?

rolling...

my weekend found me most of the time outside the house but i wasn't that tired. i came from cavite and returned last night. it was a bit boring but i got to catch up on sleep and read, and bond with my nephew. i am happy that things in our family are going pretty well, at least on my vantage point. my brother/s still have their own probs to sort, financially and relationship-wise. i met my sister-in-law elena well only on this last get-together and i can say that she's nice. my brother's mom is having a hard time accepting her because she has a kid from a previous relationship. while i understand that it's au naturelle for a mother, on the other hand, it's crap. i mean, your son is obviously being taken care of, he's happy with this woman, they have a kid together who's so adorable...might as well open up your heart, right? i asked my mom if it would matter to her if i find someone with a kid as a boyfriend or probably as a husband. she said that as much as possible she prays i end up with, say, a "conventional" bachelor, but if it's there, and she sees that everything can work out, then go. i share the sentiment. kung okay naman kayo, does it matter? and come to think of it, we don't even have a normal family set-up to boast of di ba? so basta maayos naman, bakit hindi? aanhin mo ang certified binata pero tamad at walang modo? at nag-uumpisa na naman ako magalit ano...hahaha :)

when i got home last night, i was so happy that my friend dianna sent me a copy of the book A MAP OF THE WORLD. i was so touched that she remembered i have been wanting to get this book for almost five years now.

then i checked my mails and saw a funny testimonial from my friend, vivian, and what was funnier was she has not gotten the hang of calling me Georgina :) several things were in the mail too, initiating yet another set of "what is it this time?" but as they say, lessons learned, so we know na how to diffuse further discussion to give way to more essential things, and just laugh it off. these essential things can mean a news that someone who was sick is doing well already, someone misses you too, someone is doing well out there rocking palm beach (hehe, hi ariane!), and other happy things.

today, after church, we went to divisoria again. so happy! dami na agad tao this early but who cares, it's like going back to a once-favorite place! sa dami ng pedeng bilihin hindi mo na maiisip what do you like :) 168 mall is heavy with holiday stuff too so party doctors, we should plan a trip there very very soon :) i was impressed with their foodcourt, too. clean and it's just so different from other foodcourts within the divi/tutuban area, frankly.

now i'm battling a headache, whats new, but i'm happy coz i just had my nails done :) my social calendar is so packed this coming week :) buti na lang malapit na rin sweldo, hahaha :)

later...

oh, just wanna share how i fooled with my nephew who has beaten his auntie in talking. bionic ang lalamunan nito!

reconnect mode

i'm happy to communicate with friends i haven't seen in a while. it is sad, however, to do it to talk about a depressing matter.

i've been emailing and texting former highschool friends here and abroad to ask for prayers and any form of assistance for our classmate christina. what's nice about this whole thing, as is with most of my "genuine" relationships, there's not too much hi's-hello's needed. it's like we just saw each other yesterday. i may have said that in highschool, i wasn't really there, now i realize that i built lasting relationships nevertheless.

i am also actively in touch with teng, my moslem friend, who's happy to have not lost more pounds because of fasting. crazy. beyond religion and beliefs, he is a special person to me. he asked me about my blog topics and assuringly told me that he's always there (bakit ba lahat kayo ganyan ang sinasabi?). dont worry, if push comes to shove, tatawagan kita at ipapadakip na natin sa iba nating comrades. hahaha :) this is so pathetically cheesy but i call him my ross, and i am his rachel. yuck. hahaha.

my banana cake supplier, vivian, whom i painstakingly call vivian apple when i talk to her, has been on my inbox more recently. nagpapapansin daw ako sa kanya, haha. if some of my friends seem like we have just seen each other yesterday, vivian apple texts like we headed separate ways two minutes ago. when we see each other, lovelife lang naman ang topic namin, and mine is really so makulay at kumukutikutitap, i'm telling you. hahaha :)

of course, i'm still making friendster testimonials here and there. walang magawa. bzzt.

touched

don't you wish that a workweek is only for two days? it's so utterly amazing! love it. during the past two days, people and things touched me...the dense me, touched and affected. boohoo.

:: christina - my highschool classmate and friend. i heard from another classmate that she's in a rather bad shape in the hospital for cancer. i haven't confirmed it but i already said a prayer for her. please spare a moment for her, too.

:: lalaine - it's always a bashing moment when she's around and she's always the victim. she never gets to strike back because it's always her against all of us. i forced her into making me a friendster testimonial but i know what she wrote there was from her heart. hehe feeling :)

:: nina - i know i said that i am so annoyed with pinoy big brother. however, i didn't say it with absolute certainty, did i? she made me realize that friendship extends beyond a tv show. aba eh oo naman!

:: rachel - i so miss my sister-sister :) i was about to pay her a visit after lunch at her new desk but i was told by the mailroom guys that she may not be there. before going home today, she dropped by my dungeon-hub just to say wala na syang balita sa akin in a while. awww :) then she just made me see the pics of her private event on the 30th. i miss you a lot and we will go out soon! we still have a movie date...and yes, boxing sessions to shed off our holiday pounds! :)

:: testi fever...i am on a roll making friendster testimonials for my friends. haha. whattahobby. then i kept on seeing friends who got married or gave birth. sigh. so inggit. esp with a former schoolmate/busmate. sigh. ayan tuloy, i wanna have a baby na ulit. tawagan ko na nga si honey. hahaha...anak lang naman eh, bakit ba? (you, immoral, you!)

:: derek - i heard from him and he said (deliriously) that he's been going out happily with his boyfriend, who has been his man since he's 18. so happy for him. mabuti pa ang gaga!

:: murakami. i bought my second murakami book today, kafka on the shore. a beachside reading time, where the hell are you? come our yearend bonus, humanda yung mga naiwang libro doon. haha. reading lolita in tehran! anansi boys (my second gaiman novel pa lang if ever...after american gods...but i think you should really start with coraline, the wolves in the walls and the day i swapped my dad for two goldfish) ! the historian (uhm, erwin?) !

:: jazz night...i forgot that it was tonight. sigh. rachel, you literally live two steps away from there! next time, next time. and we should have spike, too.

:: eye treats...yes i'm gonna read tonight all the interesting sites i can find. try michelle malkin. or the gateway pundit. or our own manolo quezon. and there are still tons more. we have to be concerned and be informed at some point, people.

goodnight.

handa na ba kayo?

so goes a popular tag line for a sunday show.

see, i am generally happy with my life. sometimes though, in very rare moments, i try to assess what's happening to the people around me with regard to their lovelives (or lack of it). through it all, i can say that yes, affirming what many of my taggers/friends told me, i just love the idea of loving. pero tanungin mo ako kung handa na ba ako, baka hindi muna kita masagot.

one of my closest friends has gone through a rough patch with her boyfriend today. nasabi nya na siguro nga tama daw na tumigil muna syang paikutin ang mundo nya sa "kanya" at mahalin naman ang sarili nya. it got me thinking, ganun ba talaga pag nagmamahal? nagmahal na rin naman ako---or so i thought---pero parang nafeel ko na may natira pa naman para sa akin.
natanong ko tuloy ang katabi ko, manifestation ba ito ng paano ako pag nagmahal? ang sagot niya, "hindi mo pa lang nararanasan kasi yung magmahal tlaga."

ngayon may mahal ako pero pag nanonood ako ng favorite kong palabas, nagbabasa ng libro (o kahit nga nasa bookstore lang, oh grabe), doon ko feel na feel na mahal na mahal ko ang sarili ko. parang wala akong pakialam. natitiis ko yung mga bagay at taong oo, mahalaga sa akin, pero not as valuable as the things that really makes not just me, but my soul, happy. <-- subject of debate yang sentence na yan pero let's leave it at that.

in a nutshell, ako siguro ay isang fanatic ng compromise kapag nagmahal. ayokong magsalita ng tapos pero nararamdaman ko yan. as much as i want to declare na pag nagmahal ako, ibibigay ko lahat lahat, gagawin ko lahat, sasama ako kahit saan basta kasama ang mahal ko...engg....parang hindi ko kayang sabihin ng hindi nasasamid. ang kailangan ko ngayon, lalaking ganoon din o yung milya milya ang pang-unawa...

...o siguro nga kasi hindi ko pa lang nararanasan yung magmahal talaga. yung meron ako ngayon, who am i to confirm that this is love? well, in the first place, hindi kasi ako masyado sa idea na ang love only becomes love pag nareciprocate. hindi ako blackmailer o mapilit. anyway, i digress. fascination lang ito siguro in a much higher degree. maybe it will become love kapag naramdaman ko na yung standards ko namimeet na. yung mga ugali, yung gestures na may kurot sa puso pag ginawa sa iyo, those are the things you feel na parang najojolt ka na ,"this is a sign". tapos pag hindi nasustain, eh di hindi pala yon.

sa ngayon no one probably touches my heart that much to make me confidently say na i am in love...but there's someone who, on the other hand, tickles my heart in little ways na akala ko siguro love na rin. sino bang pwedeng mag-confirm noon, na of authority tlaga? wala di ba?

atsaka yung classic na tanong na handa ka na ba...yun ang issue eh. parang kaya lang masarap sa pakiramdam at nakakakilig kasi nandoon sa phase na touch and go. pag nandoon na, o paano na? this is not to say na i have nothing to offer. i would like to think i really go out of my way to please my man, in all ways i can, and in all ways that he needs me. yung right moment lang siguro, wala pa. (leche kasing moment yan eh)

so sa ngayon, kahit nga cliché, tara let's enjoy the times muna. and to my friend whose heart got hurt today, tandaan mo, you just have a big heart capable of loving yourself and your man, and other people around you all at the same time kaya wala kang maling ginawa. at uulitin ko, if i am half as good as you in showing people how much you care, i may not be loving in silence until now.

(ayun, nakuha ko ang iniisip kong term. sobra akong ma-pride. ayoko ng wala sa akin ang huling hirit. kailangan sa usapan, ako ang may huling sinabi. madali akong mag-isip na iniisip ng iba na cheap ako kahit hindi naman. takot ako palagi mareject, at kung mareject man, i will do everything to make sure it will not appear that way. ang salbahe ko pala. tsk. kaya siguro minsan malungkot ako.)

feeling productive :)

this is usually the case when it's the last day of a loong break. wuff.

i only had 4 hours of sleep since my brother-in-law called me at around 7 am. i didn't take any caffeine for a while so i was really wondering why i was so awake (for a certified sleepyhead...)

i got so excited covering my new second-hand books. yes, i bought 3 again, all for 100 pesos. i got le divorce (maya told me the movie version sucked?), something happened (by joseph heller, the author of catch 22...which i haven't read, one year na ata sa akin yon na napahiram ni erwin, bwahaha) and get this, the life and death of adolf hitler by robert payne. when can i read them? hopefully in this lifetime. i was about to go back to reading the queen of the south when i talked to my good friend on the phone. it lasted for almost an hour of mindless chitchat about his trip and my trip, until i don't feel like reading anymore. i watched NGC's london bombing special for a while (alternating with shake, rattle 7 roll V on channel 2 hehe).

now, i approved two friendster two testimonials (thanks oliver and ryan abai!), created a travel blog (kala mo ang dami na narating...it will be up soon), completed my WHO and UN application forms (naks, feeling), logged in again on cornell university's online discussion site (try it, it's fun), and read a lot of stuff about G8 and L20.

weh, nagmamatalino. tomorrow, i hope to sustain this. hmm. flightplan is showing na pala, will try to catch it, akala ko next week pa.

two days of work lang ito, i can endure this! add to this is our class in the afternoon! hay, full days. isang big, tight hug nga *chhmmphh*.