Wednesday, November 23

I told Ate Cathy that I am better. I told Patty that I thank God I'm not capable of holding ill feelings for long. I will email Lai about it because she deserves to know.

I hardly get all stressed out about something. It becomes really obvious when I do get too involved; I get sleepless nights, a pimple or two shows on my face (and they're big). My Mom knows how it goes so she assumed there's something wrong going on because she saw my face this morning (yes, it appears that fast).

It's not worthy to dabble on what made me feel bad. Remnants of it will forever be around me. I would like to focus on a very great gift of getting over a bad feeling so easily---but not completely. Through all this, even if this "okay" stage will never go back to being sad again, it will never be the same. You can say sorry for stepping on someone's foot but the scar brought by scraping your heel on the foot's skin (yes, that's how it hurt, even more) will always be there (no thanks to laser treatment, look at what happened recently to that celebrity doctor?).

Three of the closest friends in my heart were the immediate "absorbers" of what I felt. No need for further backgrounders; that's what's good about them. Just like I wanted it, I receive neither advices nor opinions. I just needed to vent and they were there, Eiselle, Sandy and Lalaine.

Ate Cathy, Lai, Patty, Paolo, Sunni and my new friend Alita were there to ask questions and yes, it's partly to affirm myself but beyond the hurt, whether you accept it or not, there are people who are most willing to lend a listening ear, a caring heart.

I did not choose to tell Rayan everything (actually, anything) when he asked about it over lunch. It is stressful enough to start telling someone (who has not heard of it ever) from scratch and relating it is like rubbing salt on an open wound. He made me happy even if he's stubborn, and the fact that he asked twice if it was about something he did, made me think that I've been dealing with different people for all different reasons, and any of those dealings can really hurt, the rest can be so-so, but most can be great and unforgettable.

Celebrations of life and talent made me realize that hurting won't only give me pimples, it will also have me miss out on things that I love to do: eating, taking pictures, and acting on skits and plays. Let me expound on this when I'm much much sober. See, I almost downed a bottle of beer while everyone's drinking canned sodas and bottled water...all because I thought I am still hurt as hell.

Lastly, people who say they need to reconnect and that they missed out a lot because you haven't been together really tug my heart. I heard from a batchmate who will arrange a reunion for our batchmates abroad, and I happily responded I am willing to organize one for those of us here. On another end, finally, Rachel and I got to hang out again and we watched Flightplan, after almost three weeks. We talked about a lot of things we missed out on, and I felt really special having someone like her around. We discussed the future, and how we both want to get out of the present real soon.

A lot, apart from what I wrote, happened to me after I was hurt. The experiences do not really connect to the hurting and sympathizing part but they're all concrete manifestations of how good life is even if like a big brick has dropped on you, hitting your head first, then your heart, second.