Wednesday, November 30

I hope my heart dies soon.

My heart is dying. Figuratively, of course.

I heard it straight, the greatest blow yet and the die is cast. You know how it feels, when something so hard and painful strikes over and over on the same spot? The first blow will shock you, the next will hurt you, and the hundred more strokes after will just numb you altogether.

Yes, I feel numb now. I feel traces of deep pain when I think of it but I'm generally too fazed to think of how painful it is.

What's ironic is that the more my heart gets hurt, the more my other remaining senses feel better than ever. I'm hanging on to the pain because if I don't, I will lose sense of my sense, too. I'll still be a loser on both counts if I give it up altogether whereas in this set-up, I have been down and out on one side yet victorious and secure on the other. Weird, but true. Masochism at its finest.

Of course, there will be no details. You can speculate all you want, I won't care a bit. The real deal may be known soon but at this time, I take pride in the fact that I know it before all of you did. Whatever will happen, I can say I had a hand in it, one way or the other---because I basically know what's going on.

I have not shed much tears. Let me imitate a strong woman who said "I haven't had time to grieve." Maybe it's too soon for me, I don't know. Nobody knows. I am planning to write a letter, detailing what I felt the moment I knew it, until now. I plan to do it everyday, to gauge how my feelings will evolve. The letters will be left unsent, of course. Only time will tell if someone deserves to read it other than me. If my current state betrays me, I may not write a single note at all. Nobody knows.

I kept on thinking of how hurt I would be in the next few weeks. This is the reason why I'm expecting my heart to die soon. Because if it dies, it will not be able to feel anything anymore. No stabs of great pain while thinking of how happy it would be when it finally happens over the holidays. No pangs of hurt when I see captured memories. No tears to shed, no cringing in sadness while missing what could have been that only existed in my dreams.

This is the most coherent that I can get now.

Despite all I've written, an invisible thread binds us now, whatever happens to this, or to the others. I thank you for not having the heart to hurt me, despite not having the heart to love me either. I will forever be thankful and grateful that you feel secure with me, taking the things I say with great importance, doing the things I tell you to do. I appreciate you putting our friendship above everything, and yes, I already told you that I will feel bad like you will be if we lose what we have now. I will take comfort in the idea that what we have transcends casual friendships because of the things we share. The trust to know your affairs, to handle them at some point, it makes me wanna feel stupid even feeling like this. But you know, like what you yourself said, you should not force to unfeel what is there, so here I am. Beyond all this, I want you to be happy. I love hearing happiness in your voice and seeing the glow in your eyes, affirming the fact that you are really happy. The blow that came today was just too soon for me, I guess. I didn't expect it to jump into something like that. But of course, no need to crawl your way to happiness if there's a faster way, right? Now, I never felt so close to you ever and I intend to take care of that, to treat it the way I would the most fragile of things on Earth. With your indulgence, let the least humble side of my person emerge by saying that I hope the day would come when I look in your eyes and I can say, with no hurt at all but instead a hearty recollection, that I once loved you. I hope it comes really soon, you said it so yourself that you're gonna help me look around. For now, I hope you can help so my heart dies soon. You hurt it in the first place, so might as well finish the suffering so it can go gracefully, and then resurrect for someone who will take care of it in the not-so-far future.