My desire to blog has gone down. I always think dati that the idea of keeping things to yourself is boring. Now, I'm too lazy to type and think that maybe, yes, it could be better to keep my fingers away from the keyboard. Less hassle, less effort, less trouble.

Thank you na lang to those people who made my 2005 wonderful. Eventful pala not necessarily wonderful.

I'll change next year. Watch out for it. *evil grin* My adherence to my so-so resolutions list I made in January has been commendable, walang dahilan para hindi ko matuloy-tuloy. I'm not even imposing specific resolutions now.

Basta lang mag-aral ulit, magpakatino, magtipid at mag-isa. Hindi totoo yung masaya kapag may kasama. Mabait si God eh, yun pala yung sinasabi na sa akin, "Ayaw ko pang ibigay yung gusto mo kasi yung mga nasa paligid mo, naku, hindi mo tatagalan, baka mabugbog mo lang sa kunsumi, kaya wag na muna." Grabe, totoong totoo. Buti na lang talaga. Kung sarili ko nga, quite a handful na, kukuha pa ako ng isang intindihin. Excuse me! And this was said with no bitterness. Pramis! Malumpo at mabulag na ang mag-iisip na may halong bitterness yan (haha, ang sama!). Minsan, in looking at all the beautiful things I have, naririnig ko ang boses ni God na, "Yang mga yan ang bigay ko sa 'yo bakit pinipilit mo pa yung hindi pa panahon para makuha mo?" Oo nga naman.

Maligayang pagsalubong sa 2006! Sana di na kasing hirap sa pera ang susunod na taon kasi etong taon na 'to eh damang dama ko sya. Hahahaha!!!

*My mood was ruined when I put in the very last episode of Friends. Sobrang kalungkot. I'm not ashamed now to admit that I'm so for Team Aniston. Yeeey!!!

Alas-otso pa lang inaantok na ako. Ano buzz.

Kids and Gifts

I. My wanting to have a child is only for a shallow reason that babies are cute. All the stories about my maternal instincts coming into play were induced by my opinion that babies are cute to look at. That's just it. I want to have children of my own but later in my life na lang.

Gauging my tolerance for toddlers and little kids now, I am not fit to be a Mom yet. I just have no patience for them. Little ones, I can probably manage (to an extent) because they cannot talk and defy me, unless of course they bawl and wail like crazy that I have to give them back to their yayas or parents before they turn blue from crying. Kids in their terrible twos and above are just driving me crazy. They are all over me. Can't they sense I'm a Grinch in disguise??? They just wouldn't go even if you politely tell them to get the hell out of your sight. They have endless whys and whats. Wherever I go, they tag along. They tinker with my things. I know they are just curious just the way I had been before but...argh. I know it's too rude and too selfish but I never shouted at them or rudely asked them to go away, to be fair to me. Maybe that's why they can't grasp why I need to be alone. I usually ask my Mom discreetly to lure them away from me...and she knows all the ways as to how because she really knows I hate being surrounded by rowdy little people. They can be adorable at times but I guess I'm just not fit to be with kids at this time. Actually, as you already know, I prefer to be alone in my own little world than be a social animal. You know what I mean.

II. I am not one who literally count the gifts I receive. I am really very appreciative that a huge gift and a short note in a Post-it mean the same to me. However, I have to take exception with one thing I got, actually not a gift but a "raffle" prize, which I consider the best I got this year. It was from the office where, as State Department regulation dictates, gifts from "customers" should only be tolerated to an extent. Everything the office received have been accounted for and would be "raffled off" to or shared with everyone, including a batch of rosaries from the office of the Philippine Ambassador to the Vatican. I was one of the 30 lucky ones who got a rosary, which was from Rome and blessed by Pope Benedict XVI himself. If I'm not mistaken, the office was a bit hesitant to accept the gifts but the element of religion and diplomatic relationship prevailed so we got the 30 rosaries. There was a joke that more than a blessed rosary, we need actual prayers straight from the Vatican to guide us with our everyday work dilemma :) However, seriously, a rosary is more than enough to get me, us, through. I know there is nothing much to worry about but it doesn't mean that I don't have to pray for guidance with regard to the things I want to do or achieve. :)

p.s. I am soooo happy. I have not felt kilig in a while, I mean not this much since the "heyday" of my feelings for one guy (everything is so cool with us naman na eh, I guess I don't have to say that repeatedly na...including the fact that his Christmas text message was the most heartwarming and most madrama I got!). Thanks to Rach, a little more prodding and I'll drop Hongkong for Taiwan naaa!!!!! Grabe, super :) Feeling giddy and sporting a wide smile now :)

So, how was your Christmas?

Being with people, with family, isn't really that bad after all. Maybe it's just me who's so sold with a happy Christmas equals solitary confinement. Or maybe I got to spend time alone pa rin despite having a lot of people in the house. I can't say anything coherent right now.

We got to Cavite a little after lunch time yesterday. There were visitors na (sige na nga, my relatives, haha) but I was really feeling under the weather so after all the beso beso I slept for 3 straight hours na. Then I read November's Vanity Fair from cover to cover and was called down to eat. My sister-in-law made especially for me her special baked potato dish. Then I ate. Took pictures. Read some more. Then ate again close to midnight with my brothers and dad on the table. It felt good. Super laugh trip.

I woke up early and jogged for half an hour. The air was so fresh, we're super close to Tagaytay so that explains it. I didn't go to mass with them but I prayed the rosary alone. Ate a rather late breakfast then I slept again for two hours. My Dad was waiting for me outside the house and asked me to go with him. A block away from the house, he got off the car and asked me to switch places because I will drive. Everything happened so fast and I found myself treading the village like an idiot driver would. My Dad has been unusually patient, if you will reckon his record of teaching his family how to drive. Or maybe I didn't notice if he was in his natural teaching mode because I was busy shrieking, laughing, grappling the steering wheel, and stepping hard on the gas pedal all at the same time. My Dad has always been a very cool driver so he was his usual self holding the handbrake while his youngest daughter was slowly losing her sanity. In sum, I toured the village twice, including the errand my brother had. I only had two close calls, one of hitting a pole and the other, treading a grassy area which could eventually end with me hitting a centuries-old mango tree. After that, my legs were stiff, my lips and throat were dry, and I was hungry again. My Dad is not giving up on me though but I think I'm really gonna die if you let me drive on a busy highway.

Now that the day is about to end, I just look forward to some more time for myself. But I'm happy. I heard from the people I want to receive messages from so it's there's a bonus. This is pretty much an ordinary day but I'm still sending my love and warmest wishes of peace to everyone on the planet!!! Mwahs and tight hugs!

What's the best gift I got?

Have I stayed true to my promise when the year started?

Are you excited for Christmas? Why can't I be?

I never walked this much since cramming for my thesis defense three years ago. Errands have been too much to take I actually lost the pounds I regained, and has lost my appetite. Really.

Then when all office parties are over and you finally found time for yourself (the best than I can do because tradition did not give me a bit of a chance to insist on it), you were allowed to leave early, something ruins it for you: dysmenorrhea. Looking at the bigger picture, I just think that this is okay because I love being a woman. No, lady pala.

Off to Makati now with Rachel. Buti naman.

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

The results of your analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance,

and symmetry.

You are a person who thinks before acting (oh.), intelligent (hmmm.)

and thorough (eh?).

You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.

You are not very reserved, impatient (yup.) , self-confident and fond of action.

You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Akala ko kaya ko na, akala ko tanggap ko na, hindi pa pala.

Pero hindi na rin katulad ng dati, to be fair sa hindi maintindihan kong pakiramdam. Mas objective na ako tumingin, hindi katulad ng dati na lahat ng nakikitang parang "sobra" ng ibang tao, lagi kong nabibigyan ng justification kung bakit tama pa rin.

Tulad ng naunang pahayag sa mga nakaraang naisulat, hindi ko naman sinasabing dapat makuha ko yung gusto ko, dahil sa totoo lang, sa mga natutuklasan ko, tahasan kong masasabi na ayoko rin pumasok sa ganon kahit gaano ko kagusto yung isang bagay. Di tulad ni Juan, hindi ko inaasam na mapunta sa akin yong bayabas, pero sa kabilang banda, masakit pa rin pala pag kukunin sya ng iba. Parang kung tatanungin ang pinakamaramot na bahagi ng pagkatao ko, gusto ko sana nandyan lang yung bayabas, walang gumagalaw. Pero hindi pwedeng ganon eh. Nakikita ko naman kung bakit hindi pwede, at ang mga dahilang ito ay mas gusto ko na kaysa maiiwan akong nanghuhula ng kung ano na ang nangyayari, nang-aamot ng atensyon, naiiwang nag-iisa. Sa ngayon, alam ko halos lahat, kaya okay na yon.

Madalas ako magsalita ng patapos na kinakain ko rin pag nagtagal. Isa na ito sa halimbawa. Pero wala naman akong ginagawang damage sa kahit sino; kung may casualty, ako lang naman.

Kaya habang lumalapit ang mga araw, may nagbabanta ng sakit, nag-uumpisang mangilid ang mga luha, nagtatanong bakit meron pa rin, kahit anong tindi ng dasal mong sana magising ka, wala na. Inumpisahan kasi ng pag-aalala, tapos nagsanga-sanga na, hanggang sa dumampi uli yung sakit na dapat mapapalitan na ng pagiging masaya para sa mga taong dapat sumaya. Minsan, dahil tao ka lang, nag-iisip ka rin na sana magkagulo, hindi sila magkaintindihan, pero naiisip mo rin, pagkatapos noon, mananalo ka ba? Sasaya ka ba pag nangyari yon? Hindi.

Sa lagay na ito, tanga siguro ako para maghangad pa ng isang bagay na ako mismo, nakita at malaya ng nasasabi na hindi pwedeng mangyari. Yung mga tira-tirang damdamin kasi ang hindi pa tuluyang nauubos. Kung nagawa kong tanggalin na sa sistema yung malaking bahagi ng pagmamahal, bakit ba kailangang magpaapekto doon sa sulsol ng maduming pag-iisip, di ba?

Sa ngayon, nalulungkot ako, at pag hindi ito nagbago, mas malungkot ako sa Pasko at habang naglilipat ang taon, maging hanggang sa susunod na buwan. Marami kasing pwedeng mangyari, na dapat wala na akong pakialam pero di ko pa rin mapigilan mag-isip at masaktan. Tao lang eh.

Pero habang nakikita mo na ang tiwala ay hindi nagbabago, hindi nawawala, bakit hahayaan ko yung masira di ba?

Sabi nga, yun daw hindi papatay sa iyo ang lalong magpapalakas sa iyo. Ito na ba ang sukatan kung gaano na ako kalakas ngayon? Sana talaga nag-iisip ako ng tama ngayon.

~
Ang lalim ano? Kailangan na bang humanap ni Cristy Fermin ng bagong trabaho? Hahaha!!!

my paper bag has a butterfly wand then i was a wallflower

we won the Ambassador's Cup for this year's best skit after years and years of drought. it's been a tradition of the U.S. mission in Manila to maximize the potential of all Mission employess via performances where their foreign service life's integrity can be at stake.

to say that we won because past winners have decided not to participate could be true. at any rate, even if they vied this year, we would have given a good fight, to say the least. our skit was harry potterish, in that all four departments of the consular section were "houses" where muggles seek to apply for wizard visas. it was simple, and a bit funny. frankly, the main goal when we were conceptualizing was to make the judges laugh and we did. anything that could make the top Embassy honchos feel alluded to, the better :) close to home, i played a wizard in the non-muggle citizen house where my applicant was harry potter himself who, after i asked that he look in the mirror of truth, i found out that he doesn't plan to go on a "wizard visit" because he sees himself settling permanently abroad. the highlight was when harry was made to drink the truth potion and he transformed into VISAmort :) Jim was simply awesome as "the lord of the dark arts himself" :)

some pics:

Alex as the applicant to work for the Haunted House of Retired Witches and Warlocks in Syracuse! Rachel tries to keep him from harming everyone through his careless wand movements.

Harry stating his case in front of the officer moi

It's VISAmort!

The finale scene. We closed it with V-I-S-A to the tune of YMCA. Hehe. Bumenta naman eh.

The victory moment! Andrea and Alex showing off the formerly elusive Ambassador's Cup then us with the Chargé.

The Veterans' Affairs Department, which has been consistent in the winners' circle every year. There have been rumors of last-minute walkouts and other malicious speculations but it doesn't change the fact that whenever they participate, kina-career talaga nila!!!

Last year's winner, USAID. Their theme was quite funny but it was too political in nature.

Every year, the committee gets Filipino cultural performers for the benefit esp. of our American colleagues. This year we had the kids of Pasay City West highschool and they were really talented young boys and girls. Epal lang yung isang trainor nila but the kids were really awesome :)

Pwargh. There were whispers that these girls are gonna come but it was only confirmed when they went out from the Ballroom. ALL the men were drooling. It was the Sex Bomb Girls. Doi.

Hehe, savoring THE Cup! Typical red carpet pose, di pa nakatingin sa camera, hehe :) Then it's E, my photographer for the day and myself fooling around before leaving the CG's office where the trophy would be in the meantime.

Some of my unitmates with the Chief. Si Tatay talaga parang hindi connect sa mood.


win or lose, Alex invited us long before for a cast party at his place which was just beside the gym i go to (eerr, i used to go to, hehe). The cast was not complete but there were interesting people, too. good food, good music, good talk. a little after dinner, i kept myself busy reading Ian Rankin in one corner of Alex's pad. "this is what i usually do in parties when i see that the host has bookshelves," i muttered when they asked. i chatted with them for an hour before saying goodnight around 10.

~

i had a hard time going to Alex's place because the traffic in Roxas was so bad. i was in Buendia (near the famous "hole" hehe) waiting for a cab when i chanced upon a Tamaraw fx which i thought was a passenger fx bound to MRT-Bel Air. I hailed it and that annoying asshole of a driver stopped, rolled down the window and asked, "Miss naman mukha bang pampasahero yung sasakyan ko?" Then natawa yung mga sakay nya. I shot back, "Hindi naman, pero ikaw mukha ka kasing driver na namamasada ng fx!" Sabay irap. Ang gago talaga. Grrr.

~

Rayan's leaving tomorrow morning! Aww, we're supposed to meet today but I got so tamad. I slept the whole day lang naman, I dunno, I get really so tired on weekends. I'll miss him but he's gonna have a great time naman with his family in Canada and of course when he gets to New York. Alam ko natetense ka friend, pero I'll just pray that everything works out for the best for you. For both of you. That holiday can make or break your (let's wait till he gets comfy telling everyone about it!). Pero tulong na lang tayo magdasal. You deserve it naman, ang tanda mo na 'no. Nakailang biyahe na ang naiwan ka, bwahahaha :)

I already have my Starbucks planner.

I bought 2 more books last night.

I am happy that I can "draw a straight line" to get to him (don't you just love fire drills?). Sana laging may fire disturbance dito sa office, bwahahaha :)

Nawawala na 'yun kaya nagsisimula na akong sumaya. Mas madali na ngayon i-assess ang pagkatao at sitwasyon nya dahil wala ng feelings na naka-overshadow sa pananaw ko. I will be a better friend this way.

Ang saya ng araw ko kahit wala na akong pera, hehe! Sana manalo kami sa skit competition mamaya. Hahaha :) At napakasarap ng hot peppermint mocha drink sa umaga :)

So for all the flak I got over my so-so perception (read:personal) on Kingkong below, I decided to say more about it. Not that it should matter but for the sake of having a say on it before the initial entry ages out to a day, I have 11 random things to say:

1. Jacs my dear, the youngest of the "ship crew", Jimmy, is not the son in 8 Simple Rules. That's what I was told.

2. When they "chloroformed" Kong, how did they bring him back to NY with them? Think of it, S.S. Venture is on its last sane bolts and screws, so...how? Maybe they used him as one of those floaties?

3. In NY, where did they keep him? I so love it when he broke free from the metal chains. I wanna scream, "Kill them, Kong!!!!!!!!!!" Good thing I didn't.

4. Bruce Baxter, that nice guy in Early Edition (sorry Jacs, I haven't watched Homefront) is really cute. I know someone who's just like that. Good looking, endearing, but too self-centered and spoiled (and won't admit it). But the bottomline, I heart them both (that one and Bruce Baxter!).

5. Colin Hanks (of Orange County, remember? And Tom Hanks' son too) played the assistant (of the director) who desperately needs Stresstabs all the time. Observe how after the chase by the rampaging Jurassic parkies and the weird spiders, he was still wearing his glasses as if he just freshened up for his first class, only with not-that-soiled shirt.

6. The giant eel-like slash human sucking creatures were just gross. How necessary were they? The boys were tired from the hell of a chase from the J.parkies, spiders and the gigantic geckos!

7. I agree with Jacs, Naomi Watts...or let's say Ann Darrow, has enviable upper body strength. Just count how many times she had to display that might throughout the movie.

8. You know where we laughed the hardest? When Kong took Ann to Central Park. It was an "awww" moment in a very funny way! I can't describe it. It's just hilarious. It was played on a bit longer for my human tolerance, and was thwarted by a bang.

9. Andy Serkis, the guy who was Gollum in LOTR, is also Kong. Well, at least the eyes. It was his. I wondered before if he's destined to not be seen competely. Lo, I was told he was also the cook on the ship! Yes, as in that yucky cook who makes equally disgusting food for those aboard.
10. The natives of Skull Island rock!!! Nyanyanyahahaha...lalo na yong lolabelle nila, nyaaaahhh...

11. Whatever Kong did to that super saurus (I'm such an idiot with those creatures, sorry) with a very poor dental structure (clue: it involves your hands and your opponent's mouth), should be the Philippines' capital punishment. Believe me, it's worth a shot. Want justice? It's the coolest.

*places hand on left chest* BEAU---TIFUL....

Not quite. But it's worth your money and time na rin.

P.S. The beauty killed the beast. Pwargh.

I got two free tickets from NWA for Kingkong. I went with Jacs because I can use his innate sarcasm so I can make sense of the movie. Turned out I was right.

Kingkong made me feel more tired than I already was after a long workday. It's 3 hours plus of grueling fights and irrelevant moments combined. But it's good. The effects are terrific, the fight scenes are so wow. In a small theater like the one in Powerplant, while all these "high-end" people were gushing, Jacs and I were laughing at whatever they were gushing at.

"It's not necessary!"

"I thought it was a big boulder!"

"They have poor dental hygiene!"

"Kids will have nightmares! Eeeew!"

...and many more annoying snide remarks.

No offense meant to those who so loved the movie. The movie is impressive but it's something that I can forget after sleeping on it or after 72 hours, whichever comes first in this very busy week I have.

P.S. I left my phone at home. To those sweetly texting me everyday (yihee), I'll respond later. To my "dates", I'll be there tonight. See ya.

i typed a long entry about the lantern lighting incident. then i accidentally erased them all.

ayan, ayoko na tuloy.

may mga tao tlagang matutuyo ka sa kakulitan. nakuuuuuu. di ka naman makasagot ng "ano ba kasing pakialam ko sa inyo?" kasi magtatampu-tampuhan naman.

at kahapon merong nag-google ng pangalan nya tas may hit sa blog ko. hahaha, what were you thinking? ang keywords pa nya *name* of *birthplace*. nyorwr. makulit ka.

i am so lazy today. or in Rayan's term, "so lethargic" (by the way, during his ranting session yesterday, he said walang maganda sa blog ko if di naman sya namemention. so eto na. well, sabi ko din naman namemention sya, blind item nga lang. haha, ang gago, natawa naman).

wanna watch TV na lang. in truth, i feel i am sick of something. no joke. i hope it's not something na may taning na yung buhay ko, wag naman ganon.

miss watching the o.c. na...



(kaya pla i can't wait to meet kofi annan, the head of united airlines!)

I am so stressed. The last quarter of the year has worn me out so much.

I told my Mom I want to be alone for Christmas. As in all by myself. I know it will be too hard to happen because soul-sucking family traditions will tell me off and say I am the biggest selfish and insensitive daughter/sister/granddaughter/aunt/niece/friend ever to walk the Earth if I decide to do so.

I just want to be alone, watch my DVDs, read books from among my long queue, and refrain from being with people.

I don't want to be bombarded with "No man is an island" bullshit. I know that. I just want to be on my own in a season where it's customary to be mingling and reuniting with people. I believe it's not too hard to understand, is it?

A Christmas, just like an ordinary day, watching TV or reading a book in a terrace overlooking the bay. Perfect.

I can't wait for my birthday to do it.

I am in my grinchy state and I so love it.

The hell with togetherness.

Would you rather be alone but happy?
Or be with people but be sad and pushed to be nice against your will? You tell me.

I am very frustrated because my computer's performance has really turned for the worst. I know it's infested with viruses and spywares and everything that a bad computer may have. For one, it takes me five minutes to start it. When I switch from one browser to another, they go in slow motion. I know that using an internet prepaid card isn't that bad, speed-wise, but it was affected by the mess that my computer is. For the record, I am uploading 15 photos in Multiply for three hours now. Plus, I dunno what's happening but I go into one browser and when I minimize it to go to the others, poof! They disappear. Then when I close all browsers, they surprisingly come back. Why?

To compensate for my frustration, I am happy with the way I can talk to him about things that I (yes, I) feel. It is liberating to lay your cards, both your cards, on the table. I like it this way because instead of getting hurt, as of now, as in now, I can say that the hurt is not as great as before. I think, for every instance that bouts of hurt do return, it helps me to tell him that "I'm getting hurt, excuse my being sarcastic and nasty." For others it's a big emotional no-no but for me, confronting the feeling, especially the person who unintentionally hurt you is a giant step to healing.

I got the words I've been most wanting to hear from him and it made a big chunk of the pain go away. I don't deny that they're not completely gone--- as I told him, I don't even know what to feel once it's there. The best part of it all is that you are letting go of something that's more like a bad egg among the good ones. How many of you collides with a great heartbreak, inches away to getting over it, yet keep the person involved, and what's more, he becomes closer to you than before? It's rare. That's why I know I am lucky. To enjoy the confidence of the person who HAS hurt me is something to treasure when I am completely over this. It's like I did not lose anything at all, instead, I gained more. Life is good.

Truth be told, I don't wish for someone to fill the void. Especially now. I'm back into loving what I am now, the very unattached lady in her twenties. There's a development with regard to my career, and other travel plans looming in the horizon. I know that next year will be a better year for me. With all these plans outlined, I think the chances are slim that I'll go wrong. Yay, I'll say it myself, that's the spirit!

I will be really busy to even blog until the year ends. Before the month ends though, even if I will be hurt inside, I know that my tolerance for pain is sufficient. I am going to run down how eventful 2005 has been for me. Watch out for it. Haha! Sabi nga ni Boy Abunda, "Eksklusibo! Mga bagay na ngayon lamang ilalantad! The Buzz!"

This week, I'll be busy as hell because we will be understaffed once more. My supervisor will be back but she's not expected to be that busy as usual because she's due to retire at the end of the month. I did not apply for her position, even if sometimes, I feel guilt when people react as if I let their expectations down by not applying. I feel proud but it's already done. The fact that God led me to that choice means there are better things to come.

There is a performance for the Christmas party of the whole U.S. Mission in Manila, there's a party to plan for the 22nd, there's a premiere night (with cocktails daw, so icky) on Wednesday for KingKong (which I asked Jacs to accompany me to, the people person that he is), there's a block reunion with my college classmates on Thursday, a dinner with my office gang courtesy of Erwin, an overdue dinner pa rin with Mindy before she goes to Canada, and speaking of Canada, hopefully I get to squeeze in a dinner with Rayan as well before he leaves on Sunday. How can I even have time to feel hurt?

*Oh, I have been punished. The Multiply upload, after 3 hours and 27 minutes, went "The page cannot be displayed". Fff. It's time to make use of my orange diskettes, hmph! (Trivia: since I had my computer repaired, I bought 120 orange diskettes to keep my files. Hihihihi.)

Break From Hell

I appreciate moments of hearty "laughing sessions" with my colleagues, considering the hell of workload we have now (and will still have in two weeks as another staff will go on a 2-week LOA).

Last night, albeit less livelier than previous years', we had our annual section party.

I am still thinking of what pictures to post; with the recent security alert, I am certain that it's not advisable to plaster my colleagues' faces all over my blog.

On a similar note (pictures), let me just share that for the third time, Starbucks did it again. I find it funny that they recognize my face having been there every night (that they need not look at my receipt as they know what I ordered), yet they seem to always get my name wrong. Last Wednesday, I was:

Anyway, let me tell you I am smiling sincerely now. Still getting bouts of hurt sometimes but it's not that worth the loneliness anyway. I'm happy as it is, rather than not have this at all. i know I've said that more than five times but allow me to just say them over and over again because it soothes me :)

effing busy

Can't shout, can't throw a fit, can't be a bitch, already ate any leftover there was from Estee's lunch, so to seal my 10-minute self-impoed break, I am blogging.

Yes, at 5:30 p.m., my day is just about to start, judging from the workload that is currently on my left side (and I'm ignoring the ones on my right side, behind me, and the team's inbox at the other office).

This is an *insert expletive* day. No kidding. I have no room for underestimation today. That idea you have now as to how shi-- err, busy this day has been for me? Multiply it by 999.

I'm so harassed, I don't even think that a tight hug during a precious silent moment with my man would console me, contrary to what I told Rayan last night. I don't know what time I'll wrench myself from my chair today but when it comes, a big cup of coffee and a moment to stare into space for an hour will de-stress me.

The worst part? This is not an overtime work, ergo, no extra pay.

Yes, we're going to open for business tomorrow, so it will be more chaotic than it is now.

Such things you have to go through to earn money! Some people are just so fucking lucky.

You should have watched or read about State Dept. Secretary Rice's speech last night.

And though it's not related at all (I hope), you know that we are closed for business today until further notice.

Yet, hindi yan ang sasabihin ko. I am prepared to die, kesehoda. Pag time mo na, kahit nasa loob ka ng bahay mo, mamamatay ka.

Two things:

1. I blew my top because of Mom. Hay nako. I know, dapat ako ang mas magpapasensiya pero tao lang ako, I need to be alone sometimes. Especially now. Hay. Sige, kung mamatay ako sa kung anumang threat dito sa office, sabihin nyo na lang sa kanya, ayaw ako pakinggan eh.

2. I love my friends and a lot can attest to that na hanggat kaya ko, tutulong ako. Minsan may mga spoiled lang talaga. Hay nako, times two! Parang ikaw na nanay nya, kulang na lang one plus one itanong sa iyo. To think sinaktan ka na nya 'no? But of course, hindi mo rin natitiis, nagmamahal ka eh. Ng kaibigan.

This is a shitty day not just because of the security threat.

Let's see if coffee and Book 3 of The Chronicles of Narnia will make the shit go away.

And oh, the office closed for internal business a minute ago and I did not pass my CV for my supervisor's position. When in doubt, don't; so I didn't. I just hope 2006 is a better year.

In passing, I let my sentiment out yesterday.

It's not gonna be okay soon, that's why I am only resorting to prayers now. I'm glad everything has been sorted out, cards have been laid down.

The most important thing after that exchange is that I was assured nothing will change and no one will go away, literally.

We're cool as it is. I'm harmless (yeah, right, hehe).

Time and again, I told him, and I'm telling everyone, that it's not me to wish ill of people who are bound to be happy just because it hurts me.

Hay nako, I just hope that graduate school will do a lot to me than just be educated further. Haha.

I've been thinking too much about too many things lately.

Incoherent.

Yesterday, while having my reading time and talking to Kryzzy who dropped by the coffee shop, these two drinks kept me company for four hours. I wonder now if they were really for me:

I plan to switch to Globelines Broadband but they do not service our area yet. Same with zpdee, and I wanted it so I can only be billed once for my cable and internet connections. I am having a hard time fixing the terms for PLDT DSL. So I guess I should really stay on prepaid cards as I have been for seven years. Ffff.

I am not overwhelmed by my love problems entirely as you might think. I am confused with something with regard to my career and I have more or less 48 hours to decide, otherwise, it will be too late if I discover I wanted it pala. I said yes to it, I said no, I told people that I won't, I told them again I might...I dunno. I guess let it be a surprise if I will do it or not. Classic bahala na. You will know, for sure. Ask me on Wednesday morning.

~

For those who like to relate their current feelings with song lyrics, doesn't it happen that one song does not entirely speak of what you feel, but only certain parts of it? Or that the whole thought of the song isn't what you're really going through, but, say, the chorus hits the nail on the head?

I was rummaging through my cd pile when I listened to my used-to-be-favorite song. You know this, I know:

It was inside that I cried

It was inside that I cried

No long drawn out speeches

No sad tear solves goodbye

It was inside that cried

It was inside that I cried

Don't be deceived by what you saw

It was inside that I cried

- Inside That I Cried, CeCe Peniston

"My advice to all those who are going to find themselves : Stay exactly where
you are. Otherwise you are in great danger of losing yourself forever."

That quote was from Jostein Gaarder's The Solitaire Mystery. Makes a whole lotta sense.

I am back to real reading now. I will finish the whole Narnia series before it opens on the 9th (give it to me, I have not read it as a child). I am loving the idea of people going back to reading, wheher the motivation came from me or from another person (yes, doon ako papunta sa dalawang taong yon, so I better stop).

A year ago today, below was my blog entry. Funny that at this time, my dilemma is still the same:

pressured.

grabe, everytime i bloghop, people are raving about their new starbucks planner or how many stickers to go na lang and they would have it na. napepressure ako!! hahaha!! inggiterang palaka. eh kasi...sa totoo lang, i would not feel this way if not for the barista in starbucks rob. while waiting for my frappe, i was looking at the...coupon? basta yun..then he casually commented that many people actually claimed na their planners!! ipressure ba ako?? eh kasi naman ako lang bumubuno nung akin. there are times di na me nakakapag-coffee kasi late na ako umuuwi from work. di bale, 14 stickers na lang naman. kayang kaya ko na i-bribe sina joy, girl, eiselle, erwin, tita ditos, tita beth, noime, jacs, jen, karen to have coffee with me..o di ba...ilan na yun...10..eh ako pa...11...three stickers to go and hello planner na ako!!! ganyan ako
ka-pathetic! hay.

after the fact

I want to thank all the people who sent me reactions over the last post. Of course, I know what all of you were saying. I never thought even for once that I am alone. I'm just emotionally broken but I know that my life goes on. It is and it will be. Nevertheless, a big, tight hug to all of you.

It still does not entirely make sense until now, because, without giving out the real deal, the true test of my tolerance for hurt will still be on the next 4 weeks. Now, the battle knife is just aimed, it has not stabbed my heart, who's in critical condition anyway.

I can afford to be a bigtime melodramatic ass and I'm telling you, the crown will not bequeathed be soon. But at this rate, and my pride has a lot to do with it, I'm blogging because I don't want others to see me as pitiful and vulnerable because...I just don't want to. Haha.

Impulsively, I withdrew a chunk of my savings, subscribed to a magazine I've been eyeing long ago, watched chicken little (sooo funny) and intend to watch more, joined the skit of our big department to be shown on the 9th, will splurge on books later, will try to meet my friends I've not seen for so long. But I will still be hurt, I know. I am not doing these activities to erase the pain, but only to soften the blow.

Once and for all, let me clarify, and I swear to God that this is the truth, I do not grieve because I am not the one, but because I still feel love for someone who will not be mine anyway (but stays around and promised to do so forever).

Lastly, yes, I already realized this but it doesn't really matter much: I, 47 days shy of being 24 years old, will still meet and greet a lot of people. I'm still young. I know that na 'no. Some people just like to rub it in all the time.

I hope my heart dies soon.

My heart is dying. Figuratively, of course.

I heard it straight, the greatest blow yet and the die is cast. You know how it feels, when something so hard and painful strikes over and over on the same spot? The first blow will shock you, the next will hurt you, and the hundred more strokes after will just numb you altogether.

Yes, I feel numb now. I feel traces of deep pain when I think of it but I'm generally too fazed to think of how painful it is.

What's ironic is that the more my heart gets hurt, the more my other remaining senses feel better than ever. I'm hanging on to the pain because if I don't, I will lose sense of my sense, too. I'll still be a loser on both counts if I give it up altogether whereas in this set-up, I have been down and out on one side yet victorious and secure on the other. Weird, but true. Masochism at its finest.

Of course, there will be no details. You can speculate all you want, I won't care a bit. The real deal may be known soon but at this time, I take pride in the fact that I know it before all of you did. Whatever will happen, I can say I had a hand in it, one way or the other---because I basically know what's going on.

I have not shed much tears. Let me imitate a strong woman who said "I haven't had time to grieve." Maybe it's too soon for me, I don't know. Nobody knows. I am planning to write a letter, detailing what I felt the moment I knew it, until now. I plan to do it everyday, to gauge how my feelings will evolve. The letters will be left unsent, of course. Only time will tell if someone deserves to read it other than me. If my current state betrays me, I may not write a single note at all. Nobody knows.

I kept on thinking of how hurt I would be in the next few weeks. This is the reason why I'm expecting my heart to die soon. Because if it dies, it will not be able to feel anything anymore. No stabs of great pain while thinking of how happy it would be when it finally happens over the holidays. No pangs of hurt when I see captured memories. No tears to shed, no cringing in sadness while missing what could have been that only existed in my dreams.

This is the most coherent that I can get now.

Despite all I've written, an invisible thread binds us now, whatever happens to this, or to the others. I thank you for not having the heart to hurt me, despite not having the heart to love me either. I will forever be thankful and grateful that you feel secure with me, taking the things I say with great importance, doing the things I tell you to do. I appreciate you putting our friendship above everything, and yes, I already told you that I will feel bad like you will be if we lose what we have now. I will take comfort in the idea that what we have transcends casual friendships because of the things we share. The trust to know your affairs, to handle them at some point, it makes me wanna feel stupid even feeling like this. But you know, like what you yourself said, you should not force to unfeel what is there, so here I am. Beyond all this, I want you to be happy. I love hearing happiness in your voice and seeing the glow in your eyes, affirming the fact that you are really happy. The blow that came today was just too soon for me, I guess. I didn't expect it to jump into something like that. But of course, no need to crawl your way to happiness if there's a faster way, right? Now, I never felt so close to you ever and I intend to take care of that, to treat it the way I would the most fragile of things on Earth. With your indulgence, let the least humble side of my person emerge by saying that I hope the day would come when I look in your eyes and I can say, with no hurt at all but instead a hearty recollection, that I once loved you. I hope it comes really soon, you said it so yourself that you're gonna help me look around. For now, I hope you can help so my heart dies soon. You hurt it in the first place, so might as well finish the suffering so it can go gracefully, and then resurrect for someone who will take care of it in the not-so-far future.

i need coffee.

i've been to hell and back. allow me to admit that no, i can't take this (for now). boss, bumalik ka na. boohoo.

i guess i'm not yet made for more pressure at work. or maybe, this is not the type of pressure i want. i don't know. what do i know?

plus, my personal life has been a mess since april. ironically, all consolations are given to me in a platinum platter, something that i can't afford to turn down. i am so full with the idea of if only for this, i should be thankful enough. we do not always get what we want because usually something better is coming along. how cheesy, and i'm telling you, i'm so tired of it, too. kaya lang, no matter how much the situation kills you, or the waiting for that something better suffocates you, when reality gives you a dose of something so so so so good, how can you still complain?

i really need coffee. i need to make sense of everything and of course, i need the stickers for the planner. whack.

it's the last day of my long weekend. i dread having to work again tomorrow.

i have not finished my blog template pa rin. (html) loser.

my dilemma on christmas gifts has been solved. the "solution" was having a final choice as to who to "order" it from. heee. i know that it's better to give but in these tight-fisted times, whoever fits your meager budget will be it. plus this one's ought to work...i'm tired of giving out figurines year after year. (",)

i'm so mad. i'm almost done with my new blog template and *poof* all your browsers hang and goodbye na to whatever you've been doing. bad treeeeep. oh well, it's my fault, i should have learned frontpage early on. grrr. asaaaaarrrrr!!!!

i already watched spanglish, the phantom of the opera, l4yer cake and the talented mr. ripley (finally) in one day. so i have a good sunday na rin to boast of.

aaaahhhh.

i have this long train of ideas before sitting down in front of the computer. now, all of them are gone. it annoys me that i get distracted by one simple text of, "i'm home but i got locked out." bzzt.

i still feel miserable but it's okay. sometimes, to keep the one that makes you happy, you have to face the greatest of hurt, too. i did that and i did not lose anyone, in fact, i've gained more. i've never felt this close. and if this is fate's way of making me happy then as evidenced by recent events, i surrended myself to let it be.

one last thing...hecklers comfortably sitting behind cultured patrons in a ballet performance should be dragged out of the theater by their nostrils. hmph. bwisit.

just before i click on "publish post", eto someone requested to type this on for your (yes, you, my regular reader) insight:

if a guy was given one full day to be with the person he really likes (take note, not loves), what would it take to make that moment really special? the scenario is it's only the two of you in a place na walang makikialam, with the works...flowers, dinner, etc. dapat di masyadong magastos (kasi kuripot sya, pero secret lang, haha), pero at the end of the day, hindi nya makakalimutan.

pahabol pa nya, say dinner and flowers, then may konti pa natira sa budget. apart from a good conversation, what would it take para completely eh di na daw makalimutan ng girl yung date?

sagot, anyone?

ang sabi ko sa kanya, you cannot plan a GENERIC memorable date. am i right? kasi you cannot speak for the feelings of the other person. ideally, lahat ng namention na, just seal it with a sweet kiss. pwede na yon di ba?

your comments are very much welcome. go ahead and put some enlightenment, hirap na hirap na ang dibdib nitong kaibigan ko eh. di na sya makakain, di na sya makatulog...di pa makapasok ng bahay nila. i just hope he won't kill me when he reads this. hehe.

It's showing on the 30th

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros will finally be shown in theaters on November 30. I watched it during the run of Cinemalaya in CCP. I strongly endorse it; not that my recommendation should be trusted, but I'm sure you'll appreciate the film.

I've been seeing plugs here and there and I'm sure you already know what's the storyline, and that it garnered international acclaim already. Let's support it.

Thanks to my crush Ping (hehe) for the poster.

I told Ate Cathy that I am better. I told Patty that I thank God I'm not capable of holding ill feelings for long. I will email Lai about it because she deserves to know.

I hardly get all stressed out about something. It becomes really obvious when I do get too involved; I get sleepless nights, a pimple or two shows on my face (and they're big). My Mom knows how it goes so she assumed there's something wrong going on because she saw my face this morning (yes, it appears that fast).

It's not worthy to dabble on what made me feel bad. Remnants of it will forever be around me. I would like to focus on a very great gift of getting over a bad feeling so easily---but not completely. Through all this, even if this "okay" stage will never go back to being sad again, it will never be the same. You can say sorry for stepping on someone's foot but the scar brought by scraping your heel on the foot's skin (yes, that's how it hurt, even more) will always be there (no thanks to laser treatment, look at what happened recently to that celebrity doctor?).

Three of the closest friends in my heart were the immediate "absorbers" of what I felt. No need for further backgrounders; that's what's good about them. Just like I wanted it, I receive neither advices nor opinions. I just needed to vent and they were there, Eiselle, Sandy and Lalaine.

Ate Cathy, Lai, Patty, Paolo, Sunni and my new friend Alita were there to ask questions and yes, it's partly to affirm myself but beyond the hurt, whether you accept it or not, there are people who are most willing to lend a listening ear, a caring heart.

I did not choose to tell Rayan everything (actually, anything) when he asked about it over lunch. It is stressful enough to start telling someone (who has not heard of it ever) from scratch and relating it is like rubbing salt on an open wound. He made me happy even if he's stubborn, and the fact that he asked twice if it was about something he did, made me think that I've been dealing with different people for all different reasons, and any of those dealings can really hurt, the rest can be so-so, but most can be great and unforgettable.

Celebrations of life and talent made me realize that hurting won't only give me pimples, it will also have me miss out on things that I love to do: eating, taking pictures, and acting on skits and plays. Let me expound on this when I'm much much sober. See, I almost downed a bottle of beer while everyone's drinking canned sodas and bottled water...all because I thought I am still hurt as hell.

Lastly, people who say they need to reconnect and that they missed out a lot because you haven't been together really tug my heart. I heard from a batchmate who will arrange a reunion for our batchmates abroad, and I happily responded I am willing to organize one for those of us here. On another end, finally, Rachel and I got to hang out again and we watched Flightplan, after almost three weeks. We talked about a lot of things we missed out on, and I felt really special having someone like her around. We discussed the future, and how we both want to get out of the present real soon.

A lot, apart from what I wrote, happened to me after I was hurt. The experiences do not really connect to the hurting and sympathizing part but they're all concrete manifestations of how good life is even if like a big brick has dropped on you, hitting your head first, then your heart, second.

I FEEL SO BAD. IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

THE HIROSHIMA DROP PALES IN COMPARISON, DEVASTATION-WISE.

I WILL NOT BE OKAY SOON, I KNOW.

AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO SAVE MYSELF, I CAN'T. UNLIKE A WAR, THERE IS NO ENEMY HERE. TIMING AND FEELINGS DO NOT MAKE REAL ENEMIES, THEY ARE NOT JUST MY FRIENDS, AT LEAST THIS TIME.

Tired and stressed. I am.

Sobrang busy naman, that should justify going back to my old eating habits.

It could just be me but don't you feel sad when you hear Sana Ngayong Pasko? Okay lang na single ka pero the best of love cynics would agree, deep inside them, na iba pag may kasama ka sa buhay. Now, iilan na lang natira na single sa mga kaibigan ko. Meron mga humahabol pa ata sa Pasko. Si Eiselle nga, kakainggit yung email sa kanya eh. Tipong makiki-share na lang kami nina...aba, wala na atang natira ah...si Sandy at Lalaine, habol pa. Poor me. Drat. Oo, extra gastos ang may boyfriend (unless prince of whatever island ang makuha mo 'no, but still, iba na nagbibigay ka pa rin di ba?), but different yung sa pagsapit ng Pasko meron man lang babati ng ,"Honey, merry Christmas!" sa 'yo! Hay. Sabi ko sa 'yo eh.

Palitan na nga yang cd na yan. Isalang ang The Heat Is On In Saigon! Weeha.

I'm so lazy to update. So many things to do. So many parties to plan (certified party doctor na ba? haha.). So many errands to do, so many favors to give out. Okay lang naman, I am not doing them just because I'm forced to. Choices nga daw eh.

What happened on Friday was fast but exciting. After our colleagues merienda blowout, a minute before we close for business, Kats opened the office door and said, "Guys, nag-break na yung waterbag ko!" So kahit she's not as panicky, kahit pa I saw na she's starting to get pale, and started shaking too, I rushed outside the office to take a cab for her. Mabilis pala ako mag-run pag ganon, even if (as you might be interested to know) the walk from the office itself till outside the main gate to the loading area literally takes forever.

Eksakto when I hailed a cab Kats and the girls went out na. Tas we let Kats ride the cab, sabay sabay pa kami, "Kats, ingat ha!" , "Kats, i-lock mo yung door!" Then when the cab sped away, sabay sabay din namin narealize, "Bakit walang sumama kay Kats?" Oh well, admittedly, kinulang sa quick but effective decision-making doon. Funny :) Then it took us less than 10 minutes to wrap up our affairs for the day to follow her sa Makati Med. Sobrang nakunsumi pa samin yung boss namin kasi she thought one of us would go with Kats na then when she saw our hubs, naloka daw sya andon lahat ng bags namin.

At the hospital, we missed Kats by a few minutes, when we found where she is, she just went to the delivery room na sterile area. I just told the nurse to tell her that we're all outside in case she needs anything. Wala kasi sya gaano family dito eh, hubby lang nya, her sis-in-law and their househelp. Joel, her hubby, came rushing from his office in Paseo de Roxas after a while. So yon, ang tagal ng wait pero we weren't bored. We (actually I) were so noisy, kulang na lang may lumapit sa amin (sa akin) and i-tape sa bibig ko yong signage na "Observe Silence". Ang sarap magkuwento pag tahimik ang paligid, plus ang daming funny na andon, so we just bashed them. Hehe.

After three hours, Sandy and Lalaine had to leave kasi sinundo na sila nung bro ni Sandy who brought us burgers for dinner. then two hours more, Tita Beth and I had to leave na kasi dumating na din si Kuya Carlo.

Then something creepy happened (but I still cling on my faith in God na it's just coincidental noh?). Pero next entry na lang. So sleepy na. *yawns*

i want to be a mommy :)

hay, i'm so tired. kats gave birth na tonight. so exciting...so tiring. haven't been so taranta in a long time...actually, haven't felt like that ever! i told a friend, now i know na how it goes pag magkakababy na! hehe, hint hint :)

i'm so exhausted i'll tell the funny details tomorrow. i hope joel sends the pics na!!!

so happy to welcome Kyle Lorenzo G. Dacanay!!!!

tom na lang updates :)

The font size of my two recent posts was on purpose. I know it's unfair to despise people who do not understand in full the details surrounding a complicated matter. That's what we are here for after all, to help them understand whatever it is about our line of work. This is no attempt to make bawi everything I said because I am still firm na may mga people na hindi talaga kayo magkakaintindihan till the end dahil sarado na ang isip nila.

Busy week but I'm loving it. I watched Harry Potter na and I'm glad I understood it kahit it's been ages ago since I read an HP book, at till Book 3 lang ako.

eh kaya naman pala

so there's a two-part report sa tv patrol world on how much in demand philippine teachers are and will be in the U.S.

i really, really hope there would be a disclaimer of sorts, or that the treatment of the report would not make laymen think off-we-go-to-the-U.S.-with-no-glitches! oo, possibilities ng trabaho, madami, pero yung process noon sa kabuuan aba eh hindi basta parang kumakain ka lang ng nilagang mani. if the apparent majority impression on the report would be otherwise, isang madugong serye ng paliwanagan back and forth yan sa part namin. tapos pag hindi nagustuhan ang sagot, pintas na naman sa U.S. embassy. ano ba.

it's easy to explain sa isang taong bukas ang isip. pero pag tulad ng mga impaktong impertinente na pag di mo naibigay yung gusto nilang marinig na sagot, wala na, wala ka ng panalo sa ganon. yung writer i was talking about before this post...arogante tlaga. parang kami pa daw ang hindi nakakaalam ng mga policies namin. nag-job fair daw kami tapos ngayon hindi namin alam ang sinasabi nya? job fair? eh sira ang tuktok tlaga. ayaw makinig sa paliwanag namin, gusto trabaho sa amerika. at ayaw pa ng visa application procedures, yung tungkol daw sa pagti-teacher ang gusto nya (na bakit daw ba hindi namin maintindihan). engot tlaga, paano kaya sya sa tingin nya papasok ng amerika kung walang visa? (and oh, a visa is not a guarantee of entry to the U.S., it's what you use to APPLY FOR ENTRY to the U.S...hahaha, sige, lecture!)

if only for the imminent change in the monotony of the workload, baka pede pa. however, hindi challenge yung nagpapaliwanag ka sa mga taong sila na nga ang may kailangan sa iyo, ayaw naman makinig, kasi ang gusto nilang sabihin mo, yung gusto nilang mangyari. katarantaduhan to the highest degree naman yan.

matutulog na lang ,galit pa ako. haha.

whew.

kats' baby shower is over. we all had fun. i discovered the other camwhores in the office, haha. so it's not me all along.

super tired. am supposed to meet portia about something she won't tell me sa text...neds is there at starbucks already "reviewing". naks.

then sabi ko na nga ba. insider aired a report two nights ago about teaching in the US. if i remember it correctly, it said something like 'mga pinoy pwede ng mag-trabaho bilang guro sa amerika kahit walang (teaching units earned?)' basta something like that. i cannot say anything about the report beyond that coz i didn't see it but we are bombarded by inquiries now tungkol doon. ang bad trip doon there's this one writer who wrote as if utang na loob namin na bigyan na sya ng trabaho doon just because na-watch nya sa tv yung news item. tanga. nung sinabihan namin ng general response na kung gusto nya magtrabaho--pak, eto work visa application procedures, kami pa daw ang hindi nakakaintindi sa kanya, kung pede i-pass daw sya sa makakatulong sa kanya. pasalamat sya di ko alam email address ng national center for mental health. hay. one of the many crazy people we have to deal with every single day. impakto tlaga.

with regard to the report, hindi tama yon kung what it was espousing eh kahit sino pede na ngayong magtrabaho sa US. napaka-complicated ng concept ng petition for employment at ng work visa application, and they are not the same thing. hay nako. buti pa pumunta na lang kayo sa site ng USCIS at travel website ng state dept. hahaha.

i should think of the baby shower na lang...my own baby shower. haha. sana nga malapit na. hehe. woot. heeha.

bye.

runthrough

i grabbed a copy of sylvia plath's the bell jar before going home today. while sipping my first peppermint mocha of the year (which translates to my second starbucks sticker-- i know, what an ass), i read the first few pages and came across another set of words which summed up my state, work-wise:

"...I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should anymore. This
made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing
what I shouldn't...and this made me even sadder and more tired." - The Bell Jar, page 31

i am off to my second counselling session before my american deputy supervisor tomorrow. i don't know if i will ever get to tell her the gist of what i feel. i have a couple of concrete ideas to say, but i can only pray that i won't get all too-good-to-be-true to leave out the essence of what i want to convey. an online buddy graciously commented that, "when in doubt, don't" with regard to my utter indecision to apply for the supervisory position. however, when my officemate casually mentioned my plan of studying, the boss lit up. apparently, she encourages the idea of pursuing higher studies, and hints on being able to move around the work schedule to successfully accomodate both. sounds agreeable on the surface but you don't know what it did to my already messed up thoughts. see, i've made certain that it's one or the other. it can't be both. i so hate balanced options.

in some instances, it's good to have, as they say, the best of two worlds at the same time. but it's always preferable to feel one emotion, then another, so you can focus on a feeling, and be able to describe it more vividly. like, for instance, allowing yourself to get mad, and after a while slowly letting yourself make peace with someone. this afternoon, a misunderstanding over the content of a text message with Rayan (i so didn't expect that text messages are so prone to misunderstanding, duh...) had me bitching about, and he, easily snapping with my replies (but he denies it, so for the sake of world peace, let's accept that contention). it's petty and obviously a by-product of interpreting a message contrary to the sender's intention. anyway, for a while, i admitted to feeling so pissed off, and said sorry afterwards. to be fair, the gentleman that he is, he firmly stood with the fact that it was a misunderstanding and not meant to be blown out of proportion, and said sorry, too. such exercise of emotions allows you to discover how human you are. you can't be real nice all the time, in much the same way as the fact that you can't be a total grouch forever (and yes, Rayan called me grouchy at one point. bleh.). i'm just thankful that it happened between myself and a friend, because had it not been a friend, i wouldn't have had the desire to make up with the person. classic kiber. hehehe :D

in sum, this day taught me how varied emotions are. how many they are, looming over our existence. it's up to us to choose what to act on, and in the end, be accountable for those choice of emotions.

nakakatamad...

so bored. should have asked rachel to watch flightplan na lang today instead of monday, or tuesday after boxing. should have gone to metrowalk for the dvds. should have followed it up after, "honey, it goes both ways".

aaaah.........

gasgas na si mraz. may pitong oras na ata akong nakikinig.

good God, i dunno what to do. maybe i'll just a read a book. oh, rearranged my bookshelves, and pushed back those i already read. last count, i have 812 books and i have read maybe 200+ pa lang. hah. a month-long vacation on a beachside and i can work on it.

wadadidudaaa.....

Life is really wonderful

It is. I look around me and see how blessed I am. It rarely dawns upon me that I am so thick-faced to even want things that I don't need. Even those that I think a person needs but can't be given to me because of reasons that are way better in my favor, I just fail to see them because I am focused on having something. Kapal 'no?

Anyway, I am still in my Mraz mode. I had my deGraw moment last night while waiting for a show around midnight.

Sige nga, feel the thought of these words from the song Life Is Wonderful (the melody of which Paolo hates, and I annoy him by playing it over and over again) :

It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes some dust to make it polished

Hay. I have resolved to make loving a free thing, and not constricting, annoying, and to a certain point, creepy. The wind is hinting of romance but it's always the best to hear it for yourself, your man singing that you are his Bella Luna.

Corollary to the previous paragraph is the confession that yes, the following lyrics encapsulate what I feel.

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together baby
Free together baby

I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

I'm gonna love you more than anyone

+ I am sure someone in the suburbs of Sta. Monica is grinning right now. Heeee.

Lastly, without further explanation, my favorite line since last night goes:

Come on, Anton (San Diego), love finds a way!!!

You can substitute Anton's name to relate to your own. I hope you find a chance to use it soon. It's not so hard to find a situation for it, really.

Speaking of Anton, and I'm not being so intrigera ha, I cannot find my copy of When Chic Hits the Fan! That's what happens when someone makes epal to arrange your bookshelves!!! Anyway, have you read it? You should. Pang-practice ng blind items IQ nyo. Some items weren't hard to guess; I've been so pathetic to even write the names I guessed on top of some pages.

~ I am really happy. Are you?

whattaday

i was out of the house after lunch time. i dropped by the office to pick up a lot of my personal stuff that have been there for, like, two years. i brought a huge bag and they all fit into it as i planned it :D my desk is immaculate, even my supervisor said so. she even tapped my table, and said she can see the surface now. haha. plus, i brought the artificial daisies i bought in divisoria last weekend (for really adorable stuff, go to anding's specialty store in tabora st.!). i worked on two cases, too! naks.

several things:

1. i just found out that starbucks will again giveout planners for those who can complete their holiday coupon. they said it started only last friday anyway. i was happy because the toffee nut drinks are back! plus the creme brulee flavor, wonder how sweet it can be? the required stickers this year are fewer, and i am down to 20 stickers to go. i saw (and touched...) the planner for 2006 and while they say it's better, i dunno, i love the style this year. for one, i've never had that much faith (and luck?) with sewn journals. i kept on ripping pages when i flip on them. maybe if it's bound sturdier, it might last on me. the pages with dates now have lines on it but it gets "too papemelroti", in my opinion, though papemel is really a great brand. i didn't see if they still have the envelopes with postcards on it...i haven't seen the "transition" pages per month. oh well, let's just all make ourselves addicted to caffeine once more and let's see how this new planner will fare :)

2. i just learned a rather sad news from my immediate supervisor who is due to retire next month. corollary to that update was a question raised by our american boss, if i intend to apply for the position that she will vacate. i told her i am still uncertain because i've set my mind on studying, even though i am not sure if i will be accepted anyway. it's like a moment when you're on a limbo. part of me does not really want to be the team's boss. task-wise, i know i can handle, because in our work, everything really just comes and goes, so all of us are learning simultaneously every single day. the pressure that goes with it, that i can't probably handle. our workplace has its share of brickbats thrown everywhere to just about everyone and at this point in my life, i see myself more as an active team player than a leader. now that she raised it again, i'm confused anew. i'm looking ahead at the other part of the 'if'. true enough, i have nothing to lose; if i choose to apply and they decide to get someone else, i'm still deputy supervisor. but what if they decide to get me? as much as i would like to assure everyone that i will do a great job, i am looking at another goal apart from being a step higher in the workplace ladder. it's a really great opportunity so i might regret it if i let it pass. on the other hand, there still could be other chances like, or probably better, than this one. i've had my share of plunging into things with half-baked interest, or because of spur-of-the-moment motivation, and i literally left them when i felt like leaving them. this one is not something that you can't leave when you don't feel like doing it anymore, unless you really want to mess up your life bigtime. so gauging from the tone of this, i don't want to do it, do i? enlighten me, please.

3. i'm getting crazy because NBS ermita is having a hardbound books sale, as in almost all good titles are only P250. i have no money to spare for books when i dropped by a while ago. im shaking. haha.

4. who has applied for a canadian visa? the personal information supplemental form is annoying me. it's obviously a very simple form so i wanna know, can i redo it, maybe in MS excel so the information would fit, and be more readable? wouldn't the officer say, "what the hell were you doing messing up with our form?" answer, anyone?

5. who has seen a boxed DVD set of FRIENDS? pirated, of course. haha. i've never seen one during the heyday of my favorite dvd place in avenida (in front of shopper's gold). but i did see a boxed set of will & grace, i dunno how many seasons was it but the box was huge, and it sells for P3000. anyway, if there is one, i might just consider buying it for myself as a christmas gift. or i'm thinking of going for the original, but i can only pay for a vcd set (which is around P700 per season). what do you think? my decision leans toward the vcd set (uhm, since our dvd player is broken?). help. help.

~

we aren't over the debacle about our election results because a democratic exercise may really be so hard to do after all.

on the other end, should it really come to this?

and just when you believe that watching tv means cozying up in your couch or bed...this innovation comes. what's next? well, to be fair, it's always been inevitable.

don't give us, women, a hard stare if we laugh hysterically over something. this justifies that action.

~

nighty night.

whattamorning again

this time, it's a very nice morning naman. prayers do get answered fast.

first, feeling ko lang cool yon that i heard from the moderator of mar's blog :)

second, i may be really angry at one point, as in really mad but when time passes, malambot din naman ako eh.sabi ko nga sa isang friend, he should hear me one time. but yun nga if everything cools down and i, myself, get to think of things again, hindi ko rin naman kaya ang may kagalit. it just makes me uncomfy...and perhaps it's one of the reasons why it would be hard for me to be a boss. anyway, i'll be silent for the meantime..just like a reaction at the height of anger, any reaction at the peak of a good mood may appear to good to be true. as they say, let the leaves fall as they may. everything will go back in its place.

third, i chuckled while reading highschool batchmate's post in our yahoogroup. it's really a blast flipping thorugh any highschool yearbook, especially if you graduated for at least five years. all of you look different, the things you believe in, and the way you see the future...nakakatawa :D

i woke up to a very messy garage. my mom is very excited putting up our tree and our christmas decorations. me? not in the mood. i don't know. the holiday spirit has not struck me yet. plus when they do decorate for whatever season, it's always best to have me out of the house. wala naman akong natutulong, haha.

happy day...happy day...lapit na bonus. weeha :D

whattamorning

it's always better to count to a hundred or more before doing something back. you should not fully trust your judgment when emotions are raging high. plus it helps if someone tells you another perspective so you won't be focused on your initial reaction. now, i'm better.

= i have not paid for the asian films i ordered but i am thinking of adding this one in my list.

= i like jennifer aniston but she really has no commercial value beyond friends. what do you think? i watched her interview with oprah last night and for someone on a roll with 4 movies coming up, i am really skeptic of her appeal at the tills. plus, there never seems to be high raves for her works. this one is an example. i saw another one of this kind, plus a fearless tills prediction, about rumor has it. as many of us know, even if it's with kevin costner, his own reputation in the box office isn't as great, too.

= after reading becoming madame mao, i want to get hold of this other book to see what/who meets what/who where.

= a mar roxas supporter made a newsblog for him. actually, patty saw it long before, and i just found out from a daily that it's actually with the senator's office's consent. i emailed rayan about it but the reason is so pathetic. hahaha. goes to show how i love mar, really. that's what i told him.

= i have not followed in full the summit of the americas but it's striking to see the difference from a press release to what the media has to say in assessing the event. but then, it's on how you see it.

am on leave but have to go to the office to do some stuff. hay. can't say i'm not pissed because i am. i should reread my college communication textbooks to find out what communication confusion this falls under. happy lunch :)

thanks...

this goes to the people who took time to tag me.

DEN : thanks for always dropping by. kudos on a job well done! i invited you to be my multiply contact, too :)

SHEENA : thanks for always remembering. i hope that your sembreak's good! :)

ALYA MARIE : not really obsession. extreme liking? haha. well, mar and tigger...among the many :)

: : oo naapprove na kita. sus. at di ko yon boyfriend. nadiffuse eh. haha. check my friendster and my profile picture will tell you why :)

ANNE DY : yup i've seen the website, too and it's no big deal. haven't been in touch with them in a long time and i haven't been into camp thingies so it's cool with me if they don't include me there.

ATE CATHY : thanks for the new testimonial, and yup i am having fun, as usual. you know why. and oh, i have yet to do what you asked me to, haha! i guess i got stuck making my own babies' names :) i'm having fun writing them down because i already inserted a mother-in-law's name, hehe :) haylavet.

KACE : miss you too. hope to see you again soon.

PATTY : it's a ping pong of i miss you's but at least we say it often :) your new skin, i like...

MARGIE : thanks for dropping by despite your busy sched. the yg's been pretty inactive but as you know, we still find time to communicate if something worthy comes up. say hello to mara for me :)

ULTRADUST : thanks for the tag. people, i just knew, courtesy of this tag, that switchfoot has a pinoy member, via their guitarist/keyboardist jerome fontamillas! i'm so far behind in following the trail of switchfoot, and their album the beautiful letdown is my only claim to knowing the band. the album really rocks, and i'm sure so is their new album nothing is sound. truth to tell, i have not heard their new song STARS (or i musthave---just too dumb to realize that was it!) but it has topped 99.5 RT's chart, and rocketing towards other stations' countdowns :) so support switchfoot not only because of their music but because they have a pinoy member! weeha!

p.s. thanks but no thanks?
i've met and dealt with a looot of people, pissed or otherwise, but it's really different when emotions are involved. while i usually just let people rant all they want, when it's someone i care for, i tend to always appease, in an effort to calm things down. while i tend to have this, "uh-huh" attitude towards people who are so emotionally overwhelmed, with this person, it's different. whenever he snaps, i get jolted. buti na lang he knows how to keep my emotions in check, very diligently asking and ensuring it's okay, and his loyalty has always been with me. reactions are really subjective; could be one innocent question or clarification for someone but for another, it's something that could make him snap. well, i react like this because it's not towards me...but if the negative reaction is towards what i said or what i did, what could my reaction be? matatakot? o yun tipong, "aba teka, away ba gusto mo..."? well, who knows?

rolling...

my weekend found me most of the time outside the house but i wasn't that tired. i came from cavite and returned last night. it was a bit boring but i got to catch up on sleep and read, and bond with my nephew. i am happy that things in our family are going pretty well, at least on my vantage point. my brother/s still have their own probs to sort, financially and relationship-wise. i met my sister-in-law elena well only on this last get-together and i can say that she's nice. my brother's mom is having a hard time accepting her because she has a kid from a previous relationship. while i understand that it's au naturelle for a mother, on the other hand, it's crap. i mean, your son is obviously being taken care of, he's happy with this woman, they have a kid together who's so adorable...might as well open up your heart, right? i asked my mom if it would matter to her if i find someone with a kid as a boyfriend or probably as a husband. she said that as much as possible she prays i end up with, say, a "conventional" bachelor, but if it's there, and she sees that everything can work out, then go. i share the sentiment. kung okay naman kayo, does it matter? and come to think of it, we don't even have a normal family set-up to boast of di ba? so basta maayos naman, bakit hindi? aanhin mo ang certified binata pero tamad at walang modo? at nag-uumpisa na naman ako magalit ano...hahaha :)

when i got home last night, i was so happy that my friend dianna sent me a copy of the book A MAP OF THE WORLD. i was so touched that she remembered i have been wanting to get this book for almost five years now.

then i checked my mails and saw a funny testimonial from my friend, vivian, and what was funnier was she has not gotten the hang of calling me Georgina :) several things were in the mail too, initiating yet another set of "what is it this time?" but as they say, lessons learned, so we know na how to diffuse further discussion to give way to more essential things, and just laugh it off. these essential things can mean a news that someone who was sick is doing well already, someone misses you too, someone is doing well out there rocking palm beach (hehe, hi ariane!), and other happy things.

today, after church, we went to divisoria again. so happy! dami na agad tao this early but who cares, it's like going back to a once-favorite place! sa dami ng pedeng bilihin hindi mo na maiisip what do you like :) 168 mall is heavy with holiday stuff too so party doctors, we should plan a trip there very very soon :) i was impressed with their foodcourt, too. clean and it's just so different from other foodcourts within the divi/tutuban area, frankly.

now i'm battling a headache, whats new, but i'm happy coz i just had my nails done :) my social calendar is so packed this coming week :) buti na lang malapit na rin sweldo, hahaha :)

later...

oh, just wanna share how i fooled with my nephew who has beaten his auntie in talking. bionic ang lalamunan nito!

reconnect mode

i'm happy to communicate with friends i haven't seen in a while. it is sad, however, to do it to talk about a depressing matter.

i've been emailing and texting former highschool friends here and abroad to ask for prayers and any form of assistance for our classmate christina. what's nice about this whole thing, as is with most of my "genuine" relationships, there's not too much hi's-hello's needed. it's like we just saw each other yesterday. i may have said that in highschool, i wasn't really there, now i realize that i built lasting relationships nevertheless.

i am also actively in touch with teng, my moslem friend, who's happy to have not lost more pounds because of fasting. crazy. beyond religion and beliefs, he is a special person to me. he asked me about my blog topics and assuringly told me that he's always there (bakit ba lahat kayo ganyan ang sinasabi?). dont worry, if push comes to shove, tatawagan kita at ipapadakip na natin sa iba nating comrades. hahaha :) this is so pathetically cheesy but i call him my ross, and i am his rachel. yuck. hahaha.

my banana cake supplier, vivian, whom i painstakingly call vivian apple when i talk to her, has been on my inbox more recently. nagpapapansin daw ako sa kanya, haha. if some of my friends seem like we have just seen each other yesterday, vivian apple texts like we headed separate ways two minutes ago. when we see each other, lovelife lang naman ang topic namin, and mine is really so makulay at kumukutikutitap, i'm telling you. hahaha :)

of course, i'm still making friendster testimonials here and there. walang magawa. bzzt.

touched

don't you wish that a workweek is only for two days? it's so utterly amazing! love it. during the past two days, people and things touched me...the dense me, touched and affected. boohoo.

:: christina - my highschool classmate and friend. i heard from another classmate that she's in a rather bad shape in the hospital for cancer. i haven't confirmed it but i already said a prayer for her. please spare a moment for her, too.

:: lalaine - it's always a bashing moment when she's around and she's always the victim. she never gets to strike back because it's always her against all of us. i forced her into making me a friendster testimonial but i know what she wrote there was from her heart. hehe feeling :)

:: nina - i know i said that i am so annoyed with pinoy big brother. however, i didn't say it with absolute certainty, did i? she made me realize that friendship extends beyond a tv show. aba eh oo naman!

:: rachel - i so miss my sister-sister :) i was about to pay her a visit after lunch at her new desk but i was told by the mailroom guys that she may not be there. before going home today, she dropped by my dungeon-hub just to say wala na syang balita sa akin in a while. awww :) then she just made me see the pics of her private event on the 30th. i miss you a lot and we will go out soon! we still have a movie date...and yes, boxing sessions to shed off our holiday pounds! :)

:: testi fever...i am on a roll making friendster testimonials for my friends. haha. whattahobby. then i kept on seeing friends who got married or gave birth. sigh. so inggit. esp with a former schoolmate/busmate. sigh. ayan tuloy, i wanna have a baby na ulit. tawagan ko na nga si honey. hahaha...anak lang naman eh, bakit ba? (you, immoral, you!)

:: derek - i heard from him and he said (deliriously) that he's been going out happily with his boyfriend, who has been his man since he's 18. so happy for him. mabuti pa ang gaga!

:: murakami. i bought my second murakami book today, kafka on the shore. a beachside reading time, where the hell are you? come our yearend bonus, humanda yung mga naiwang libro doon. haha. reading lolita in tehran! anansi boys (my second gaiman novel pa lang if ever...after american gods...but i think you should really start with coraline, the wolves in the walls and the day i swapped my dad for two goldfish) ! the historian (uhm, erwin?) !

:: jazz night...i forgot that it was tonight. sigh. rachel, you literally live two steps away from there! next time, next time. and we should have spike, too.

:: eye treats...yes i'm gonna read tonight all the interesting sites i can find. try michelle malkin. or the gateway pundit. or our own manolo quezon. and there are still tons more. we have to be concerned and be informed at some point, people.

goodnight.

handa na ba kayo?

so goes a popular tag line for a sunday show.

see, i am generally happy with my life. sometimes though, in very rare moments, i try to assess what's happening to the people around me with regard to their lovelives (or lack of it). through it all, i can say that yes, affirming what many of my taggers/friends told me, i just love the idea of loving. pero tanungin mo ako kung handa na ba ako, baka hindi muna kita masagot.

one of my closest friends has gone through a rough patch with her boyfriend today. nasabi nya na siguro nga tama daw na tumigil muna syang paikutin ang mundo nya sa "kanya" at mahalin naman ang sarili nya. it got me thinking, ganun ba talaga pag nagmamahal? nagmahal na rin naman ako---or so i thought---pero parang nafeel ko na may natira pa naman para sa akin.
natanong ko tuloy ang katabi ko, manifestation ba ito ng paano ako pag nagmahal? ang sagot niya, "hindi mo pa lang nararanasan kasi yung magmahal tlaga."

ngayon may mahal ako pero pag nanonood ako ng favorite kong palabas, nagbabasa ng libro (o kahit nga nasa bookstore lang, oh grabe), doon ko feel na feel na mahal na mahal ko ang sarili ko. parang wala akong pakialam. natitiis ko yung mga bagay at taong oo, mahalaga sa akin, pero not as valuable as the things that really makes not just me, but my soul, happy. <-- subject of debate yang sentence na yan pero let's leave it at that.

in a nutshell, ako siguro ay isang fanatic ng compromise kapag nagmahal. ayokong magsalita ng tapos pero nararamdaman ko yan. as much as i want to declare na pag nagmahal ako, ibibigay ko lahat lahat, gagawin ko lahat, sasama ako kahit saan basta kasama ang mahal ko...engg....parang hindi ko kayang sabihin ng hindi nasasamid. ang kailangan ko ngayon, lalaking ganoon din o yung milya milya ang pang-unawa...

...o siguro nga kasi hindi ko pa lang nararanasan yung magmahal talaga. yung meron ako ngayon, who am i to confirm that this is love? well, in the first place, hindi kasi ako masyado sa idea na ang love only becomes love pag nareciprocate. hindi ako blackmailer o mapilit. anyway, i digress. fascination lang ito siguro in a much higher degree. maybe it will become love kapag naramdaman ko na yung standards ko namimeet na. yung mga ugali, yung gestures na may kurot sa puso pag ginawa sa iyo, those are the things you feel na parang najojolt ka na ,"this is a sign". tapos pag hindi nasustain, eh di hindi pala yon.

sa ngayon no one probably touches my heart that much to make me confidently say na i am in love...but there's someone who, on the other hand, tickles my heart in little ways na akala ko siguro love na rin. sino bang pwedeng mag-confirm noon, na of authority tlaga? wala di ba?

atsaka yung classic na tanong na handa ka na ba...yun ang issue eh. parang kaya lang masarap sa pakiramdam at nakakakilig kasi nandoon sa phase na touch and go. pag nandoon na, o paano na? this is not to say na i have nothing to offer. i would like to think i really go out of my way to please my man, in all ways i can, and in all ways that he needs me. yung right moment lang siguro, wala pa. (leche kasing moment yan eh)

so sa ngayon, kahit nga cliché, tara let's enjoy the times muna. and to my friend whose heart got hurt today, tandaan mo, you just have a big heart capable of loving yourself and your man, and other people around you all at the same time kaya wala kang maling ginawa. at uulitin ko, if i am half as good as you in showing people how much you care, i may not be loving in silence until now.

(ayun, nakuha ko ang iniisip kong term. sobra akong ma-pride. ayoko ng wala sa akin ang huling hirit. kailangan sa usapan, ako ang may huling sinabi. madali akong mag-isip na iniisip ng iba na cheap ako kahit hindi naman. takot ako palagi mareject, at kung mareject man, i will do everything to make sure it will not appear that way. ang salbahe ko pala. tsk. kaya siguro minsan malungkot ako.)

feeling productive :)

this is usually the case when it's the last day of a loong break. wuff.

i only had 4 hours of sleep since my brother-in-law called me at around 7 am. i didn't take any caffeine for a while so i was really wondering why i was so awake (for a certified sleepyhead...)

i got so excited covering my new second-hand books. yes, i bought 3 again, all for 100 pesos. i got le divorce (maya told me the movie version sucked?), something happened (by joseph heller, the author of catch 22...which i haven't read, one year na ata sa akin yon na napahiram ni erwin, bwahaha) and get this, the life and death of adolf hitler by robert payne. when can i read them? hopefully in this lifetime. i was about to go back to reading the queen of the south when i talked to my good friend on the phone. it lasted for almost an hour of mindless chitchat about his trip and my trip, until i don't feel like reading anymore. i watched NGC's london bombing special for a while (alternating with shake, rattle 7 roll V on channel 2 hehe).

now, i approved two friendster two testimonials (thanks oliver and ryan abai!), created a travel blog (kala mo ang dami na narating...it will be up soon), completed my WHO and UN application forms (naks, feeling), logged in again on cornell university's online discussion site (try it, it's fun), and read a lot of stuff about G8 and L20.

weh, nagmamatalino. tomorrow, i hope to sustain this. hmm. flightplan is showing na pala, will try to catch it, akala ko next week pa.

two days of work lang ito, i can endure this! add to this is our class in the afternoon! hay, full days. isang big, tight hug nga *chhmmphh*.