mark this date.

go ahead, mark it. if nothing happens in time, then so be it. however, if something does happen, then don't say i didn't remind you.

unlike mulling alone over a decision with regard to your personal life, it's always different if you share a piece or two with somebody. not necessarily the full details but the general picture of what you're going through. the initial rush of reactions i had about it were particularly of cynics and skeptics, and i wholeheartedly welcomed them. then it all becomes clearer if you find someone who's on the other side; the romantics, the mushy types, that is.

my closest brush with having an active personal life was so abrupt. i thought it's going to be what the books and stars say it was. of course, it's not. very few friends know what happened; in the end, i somehow lost a chance of a beautiful friendship with someone, and the idyllic love towards the other person suddenly fizzled. however, i know it is not too late. for one, i still believe there is still a chance to revive that blossoming friendship now that the thing is over. i never even had the chance to say sorry to that person whom i admittedly had bad thoughts about when all of this was happening, to think that all that she did was express her feelings. surprisingly, after everything that has happened, instead of feeling vindicated and victorious, i suddenly felt that maybe, i need to stop pursuing the feelings for the other person, too, thus what i'm doing now. i just felt that after all that happened, it will be for everybody's best interest to snap out of it. if they decide to pursue theirs, it's not my concern anymore, though i can't promise that i won't be hurt a little.

anyway, a good friend made me realize something that i am perfectly aware of, but am just too stubborn to notice. see, if you feel nothing special looming in the near future, the best thing to do is to love yourself the best that you can. when that time comes that someone does arrive in front of you, then you can give all you have to give.

so right now, i thank God for all the opportunities within my reach to make myself better. in a year, five years, or whenever, i can be sure that you'll see that something has changed in me. it's like, okay, because of your varied reasons you thought i didn't measure up NOW, then i'm going to give it another shot in the future, albeit as unconsciously as possible. so go ahead and mark this date :) if still nothing happens in the future, then i'm perfectly sure it's because someone is intended to be with me, and he's not necessarily you. oh, such spirit. im starting to love it.

in the meantime, as i told him, i'm going to creep out of the tunnel of letting go because i'm already seeing the light at the end of it. if i may just be given that occasional chance to care for you once in a while, and to get giddy hearing your voice in your squeaky heavy accent which i find really adorable, along with your pointy nose, then i'll be thankful.

i neither lost nor gained something from this experience. if only for that, i should be happy.

this is the last time i'm going to write about this. i can't really promise but i'll try hard.