Wednesday, October 5

this is it.

(i hope this is the real thing.)

during my reading time this afternoon, i did something so liberating. it is not worthy to be confessed to the world but let me say that i left the place feeling renewed. i've never felt so much courage and confidence to face the world. in a gist, if i was able to do something as drastic as that, then nothing can stun me anymore, in terms of boldly facing actions that may affect me beneficially or otherwise.

six weeks ago, i started feeling that my world isn't as dull and shallow as before. i came face-to-face with human hostility, jealousy, extreme affection, doubt, and other emotions which made me realize that i am no longer that sheltered girl i pride myself to be.

in the next days or so, i will be facing uncertain events, specifically with my career, and i am prepared. not only to take challenges head-on, but to speak what i feel, and what i don't want to do. if there is one thing i am sure of now, it is the conviction that i can stand by all my decisions as a mature, sane, professional person would. gone are the moments of leaving it all to fate, and always banking on the support of my elders, my colleagues, my peers. now, everything that escapes my lips, i am ready to be responsible for. on top of it all, i have committed to pray more to God to guide me in whatever i do or say. i believe that's the only way to manifest your love for life, and love for yourself. and yes, i can say i love myself now, the faulty, sometimes irrational me, and not the alter ego who's so ideal.

on my way home aboard a rusty jeepney, i sat beside a couple holding their days-old baby girl, wrapped in a blanket. they were gushing over their bundle of joy. i can't help but peek and smile. this little girl's starting her life, her journey to this crazy world. i told myself, so am i.

one thing i did, and promise to stand by, is the biggest lie i told the person special to me. after an apology for making him my human rantboard (and the assurance that it's perfectly okay), i somehow managed to tell him that i am working, and am very much eager to get over someone i feel strong affection for. it is letting go of something and someone complicated. after a long exchange of whys and buts, i stood firm with the decision that i am certain to pursue treading a new life, leaving that baggage behind. if, in time, it's going to fluorish anyway, then, well and good. one thing only pains me now, and i have to give it to him because he's right. he told me, "don't fool yourself." it's basic logic. you feel it, you let it be. you don't--and can't--force yourself to unfeel something that is so strongly there. i told him to just help me pray that it will be gone sooner. i know that he knows it's him. the very best thing about this until now is that i never heard anything accusatory or offensive from him. he respects me. as a rational person, he knows it is a matter of fact and whatever i decide to do or write, let's leave it at that.