Saturday, April 30

big C, bigger C, biggest C

(A post that's extra long.)


Big C. I had a crush on someone (yeah, it's too high schooley) for about two weeks. it just started as random as any crush would be. you hear this person's voice, you text each other, you meet for dinner and hey, you thought the lovelife drought is over. of course, just like the things that you don't deserve, it went down the drain faster than spelling waste backwards. it brought my former love of writing a narrative of my feelings each day and in a way, i'm happy that i got to do it again after sometime. without spilling the details to make it more obvious, i found myself sadly meeting my college friends, the greatest bashers in this galaxy, and the CRUSH finally decided to make its fate. kill itself, that is. from regaling jacs and jen on how it started until the crush's latest text, i was actually aiming for some consolation and "awwww" comments (from jen, not really from jacs coz if he did it i would have treated him to max brenner). i casually asked them if two things that he told me could be signs that he's gay. jen, without turning her back on the computer told me that the crush is gay. jacs, transfixed and mesmerized with ethel booba in her darna costume, concluded the same. ampuuuu. so much for validating my often malicious thought. and even e's boo, a person thousand miles away from us, said the same thing.

so the feeling waned over the weekend. we were supposed to go out for lunch on saturday but i decided to go with my mom instead. it just feels so different now and i'm pissed that i might be going back to my old, lazybone self again because i am frustrated. i know i may be unfair because it has never been proven and the gay conclusion is just a hasty idea. kaya lang, i kinda feel that it's true. my instincts can still be wrong but i really feel it. a friend once told me that her boyfriend abroad told her that he would drop everything that he has to do just for a few moments to touch her hair. gee, sweet and poetic. i imagine the crush saying it to me too.

"Judith, I would drop everything that I have to do just for a few moments
to touch you hair...
so I can curl them. You will be the coolect chick
in town after my sought-after version of extreme

hayup di ba?

anyhow, there is still this tiny hope that things could still go well between us (yeah, after this display of distrust and premature judgment, tama yan, octavo). he still calls me sometimes and there were slips of words that i felt he's alluding me in some romantic way (wishful thinking, ahehe). there's eiselle too who says that she's not sold to the idea of the crush being really gay.

hey, i don't have anything against gay men in general. i love them. but i never fantasized having a relationship with one. part of my love and respect for them is to let them be happy. do you think a gay man would be happy having a romantic relationship with a heterosexual female? see?

but i miss him. hay. i have been cursed.

Bigger C. My profile in the sidebar says that i have a 9 pm curfew. yes, i should have that curfew because i am only 23 years old. i am really too young. gah. my friends cannot believe that i still have a curfew at all. at this age and being part-breadwinner of the household, the thought of going home past 9 pm freaks out everyone in the house. sheesh. i understand the whole concept of "concerned about your safety" litany but let's compromise (majority of parents won't bite it, right?)! my mom said her main concern is not really where i go and what i do (so much for trust mom, yeah, i lurve you) but with what could happen on my way home. see, i don't own a car and i always end up taking a cab when i go home late. at times, especially when i'm just in robinson's faura, i even take the jeep because 1. i basically know the faces of many jeepney drivers going my route, 2. the more people as witnesses, the better (that is to presume i chose the people i'll be with, which i normally do, i.e salesladies, couples often cuddling, students in uniforms---with the last one i completely put my trust the most, especially high school students...'coz one time, during a traffic lull, two men, deciding whether to ride the jeep where i was, were arguing, then i heard one said, "wag yan, puro estudyante yan, walang pera yan". when i looked at my jeepmates, most of them were unifomed students of araullo and manila science high schools. i never forgot that.)

so where was i? okay, 3. as what #2 implied, i'm afraid to take a cab because i would be alone. during the times when i do ride a cab, i immediately text my mom what's the plate and body number (i always make sure they're the same inside and outside) of the vehicle, the cab company, if available, the name of the taxi driver, if legible from the hanging driver's id in the rearview mirror, and i also check if the compartment is not in any way open...hehe, paranoia is my middle name, eh?

i suggested that if i have my own car, would i be allowed to have a later curfew? surprise...the answer is still no. you know why? because that's when most accidents happen...people beating the red light because the roads are too free, sleepy drivers forgetting their traffic signs and symbols, challenge-driven yuppies high on whatever, blahdiblahdiblah.

the obvious bottomline is that i should be at home by 9. unless there is an office activity where the embassy would send me home in its official shuttle, then i can stay as late as that activity gets. or when daisy, joy or tita beth, three people my mom trust the most in the office, is driving me home (but you see, they have their own lives and most, if not all, my friday---take note, only one night a week, make it two on several occasions--- dinners and night-outs are always with other people in my other circles).

i have to be home by 9. what would i do then? i can't watch tv till the wee hours of the morning nor surf and chat until that late because it's "bad for my health". when i get home, i simply have to change, eat if i have not done so yet, read/watch/surf a bit, then sleep. the next day, in fairness, i'll be allowed to sleep as long as i want, after which i have to eat, take a bath, do whatever i fancy (except going out of the house...unless it's with my mom or it's a family affair), and sleep early (to my online buddies, do you think i am peacefully chatting with you all those nights? come 11 pm, i would have to contend with a knock on the door, telling me to sleep, with an interval of 15 minutes, until mom really hears i unplugged everything!!!). that's why sometimes, i have to tell mom and those other people "concerned" about me that with what you're doing, don't ever ever ever ask me:

1. why i don't have a boyfriend
2. why i am fat

the explanation is as obvious as gloria's mole in her left cheek.

Biggest C. I thought i am the only one who has it but hey hey hey (think the sosyal version of mar roxas' campaign jingle), most of my college batchmates have it. it's a kinda common dilemma. confusion...often mistaken for burnout. or maybe it's also the other way around, i'm not sure. see, jacs, in a loooooong time, has never written anything that he liked or has not written about someone he respects; jen wanted out but balances things out because she can't take being "vacant" for long; thea is soooo overworked and would really wanna quit and just concentrate on her MA; and there's lala having exteme difficulty deciding whether to pursue marketing or teaching. and i think it's only i. hihihi. our careers should take us seriously because we spend a great deal of time and effort thinking about them...particularly about why we can't like them!!! rarr! i've written about my "career" quite a gazillion times in this blog so i won't press it anymore. at least, i'm not the only one who has not found what i want to do. lucky for those who do. and compared to me, lucky are my friends i mentioned above because they know what they don't like about their present jobs; one has narrowed down into two what she really wanted, while here i am, not knowing what i really wanted to do. i briefly suggested why not we change places for three months...maybe with that time frame we can realize if what we do is what we really want to do in the first place, or otherwise.

state of randomness............

saturday kind of fun. going to timezone with your mom. yes, with your 48-year old mom and the 23-year old you. my mom shot some hoops and threw mini-bowling balls while i spent 2 hours killing moomoos in the house of the dead. on the side, which made my arm hurt the next day, i hammered randomly-appearing crabs and spiders. i had fun. really. even if my mom thought we're wackos.

like a good samaritan, eh? on our way home last sunday, mom and i had a pleasant conversation with our cab driver. he turned out to be looking for a more stable job, in terms of giving him a regular salary. he has good driving experience and he's honest enough to tell us his plans for his family (it's really sad but he's not the paawa type). i did not tell him where i'm working but i just took down his number for anything that i can do to help. yesterday, i found that one of our officers needs a family driver. i gave the driver the details and i don't know what has happened. the last thing he told me was that he's definitely going to contact the guy. i hope he gets that job. or if not that, something better sana because he really deserves it.

salivating. for people generous enough, who loves me enough to buy me books (or both), i want to have Salman Rushdie's Midnight Children, Banana Yoshimoto's NP, and Donna Tartt's The Little Friend. And cds of Gavin deGraw (Chariot) and Keane (Hopes and Fears) would make me extremely happy I could kiss you and hug you all night, whoever you are (uhm..Mom?).

music of the moment.
courtney jaye's can't behave. her albumTraveling Light is due on June 7. she's just great.

adjustments. we have a new girl in the office, kats gigante (welcome, kats!). she's still learning her way through and i'm thankful i made the mistake of telling her this early that i love kris aquino. she hates kris. so to create an air of compromise in the workplace, i better lessen my kris aquino impersonations and making pabida all my kris info all the time.

judie, prime eavesdropper. this is what i honed from liking kris aquino so much. i have the "unbequeathable" crown of being THE prime eavesdropper in town. hehe. but i don't squeal what i hear. i really don't. just be warned that no matter how soft your voice was, i heard you! a while ago, with a cubicle divider separating us, eiselle was whispering something to sandy. it's a topic i know of, and you know, if i'm not busy in my workstation, it's something that eiselle would want me to hear too. so i just listened to eiselle make those airy sounds. then she said something about us calling her "joey" from now on. sandy asked her (still, in a whispering tone) what if someone asked why joey? i answered aloud. "because eiselle looks like a baby kangaroo". astig talaga ako.

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