big C, bigger C, biggest C

(A post that's extra long.)

Go.

Big C. I had a crush on someone (yeah, it's too high schooley) for about two weeks. it just started as random as any crush would be. you hear this person's voice, you text each other, you meet for dinner and hey, you thought the lovelife drought is over. of course, just like the things that you don't deserve, it went down the drain faster than spelling waste backwards. it brought my former love of writing a narrative of my feelings each day and in a way, i'm happy that i got to do it again after sometime. without spilling the details to make it more obvious, i found myself sadly meeting my college friends, the greatest bashers in this galaxy, and the CRUSH finally decided to make its fate. kill itself, that is. from regaling jacs and jen on how it started until the crush's latest text, i was actually aiming for some consolation and "awwww" comments (from jen, not really from jacs coz if he did it i would have treated him to max brenner). i casually asked them if two things that he told me could be signs that he's gay. jen, without turning her back on the computer told me that the crush is gay. jacs, transfixed and mesmerized with ethel booba in her darna costume, concluded the same. ampuuuu. so much for validating my often malicious thought. and even e's boo, a person thousand miles away from us, said the same thing.

so the feeling waned over the weekend. we were supposed to go out for lunch on saturday but i decided to go with my mom instead. it just feels so different now and i'm pissed that i might be going back to my old, lazybone self again because i am frustrated. i know i may be unfair because it has never been proven and the gay conclusion is just a hasty idea. kaya lang, i kinda feel that it's true. my instincts can still be wrong but i really feel it. a friend once told me that her boyfriend abroad told her that he would drop everything that he has to do just for a few moments to touch her hair. gee, sweet and poetic. i imagine the crush saying it to me too.

"Judith, I would drop everything that I have to do just for a few moments
to touch you hair...so I can curl them. You will be the coolect chick
in town after my sought-after version of extreme
makeover."

hayup di ba?

anyhow, there is still this tiny hope that things could still go well between us (yeah, after this display of distrust and premature judgment, tama yan, octavo). he still calls me sometimes and there were slips of words that i felt he's alluding me in some romantic way (wishful thinking, ahehe). there's eiselle too who says that she's not sold to the idea of the crush being really gay.

hey, i don't have anything against gay men in general. i love them. but i never fantasized having a relationship with one. part of my love and respect for them is to let them be happy. do you think a gay man would be happy having a romantic relationship with a heterosexual female? see?

but i miss him. hay. i have been cursed.

Bigger C. My profile in the sidebar says that i have a 9 pm curfew. yes, i should have that curfew because i am only 23 years old. i am really too young. gah. my friends cannot believe that i still have a curfew at all. at this age and being part-breadwinner of the household, the thought of going home past 9 pm freaks out everyone in the house. sheesh. i understand the whole concept of "concerned about your safety" litany but let's compromise (majority of parents won't bite it, right?)! my mom said her main concern is not really where i go and what i do (so much for trust mom, yeah, i lurve you) but with what could happen on my way home. see, i don't own a car and i always end up taking a cab when i go home late. at times, especially when i'm just in robinson's faura, i even take the jeep because 1. i basically know the faces of many jeepney drivers going my route, 2. the more people as witnesses, the better (that is to presume i chose the people i'll be with, which i normally do, i.e salesladies, couples often cuddling, students in uniforms---with the last one i completely put my trust the most, especially high school students...'coz one time, during a traffic lull, two men, deciding whether to ride the jeep where i was, were arguing, then i heard one said, "wag yan, puro estudyante yan, walang pera yan". when i looked at my jeepmates, most of them were unifomed students of araullo and manila science high schools. i never forgot that.)

so where was i? okay, 3. as what #2 implied, i'm afraid to take a cab because i would be alone. during the times when i do ride a cab, i immediately text my mom what's the plate and body number (i always make sure they're the same inside and outside) of the vehicle, the cab company, if available, the name of the taxi driver, if legible from the hanging driver's id in the rearview mirror, and i also check if the compartment is not in any way open...hehe, paranoia is my middle name, eh?

i suggested that if i have my own car, would i be allowed to have a later curfew? surprise...the answer is still no. you know why? because that's when most accidents happen...people beating the red light because the roads are too free, sleepy drivers forgetting their traffic signs and symbols, challenge-driven yuppies high on whatever, blahdiblahdiblah.

the obvious bottomline is that i should be at home by 9. unless there is an office activity where the embassy would send me home in its official shuttle, then i can stay as late as that activity gets. or when daisy, joy or tita beth, three people my mom trust the most in the office, is driving me home (but you see, they have their own lives and most, if not all, my friday---take note, only one night a week, make it two on several occasions--- dinners and night-outs are always with other people in my other circles).

i have to be home by 9. what would i do then? i can't watch tv till the wee hours of the morning nor surf and chat until that late because it's "bad for my health". when i get home, i simply have to change, eat if i have not done so yet, read/watch/surf a bit, then sleep. the next day, in fairness, i'll be allowed to sleep as long as i want, after which i have to eat, take a bath, do whatever i fancy (except going out of the house...unless it's with my mom or it's a family affair), and sleep early (to my online buddies, do you think i am peacefully chatting with you all those nights? come 11 pm, i would have to contend with a knock on the door, telling me to sleep, with an interval of 15 minutes, until mom really hears i unplugged everything!!!). that's why sometimes, i have to tell mom and those other people "concerned" about me that with what you're doing, don't ever ever ever ask me:

1. why i don't have a boyfriend
2. why i am fat

the explanation is as obvious as gloria's mole in her left cheek.

Biggest C. I thought i am the only one who has it but hey hey hey (think the sosyal version of mar roxas' campaign jingle), most of my college batchmates have it. it's a kinda common dilemma. confusion...often mistaken for burnout. or maybe it's also the other way around, i'm not sure. see, jacs, in a loooooong time, has never written anything that he liked or has not written about someone he respects; jen wanted out but balances things out because she can't take being "vacant" for long; thea is soooo overworked and would really wanna quit and just concentrate on her MA; and there's lala having exteme difficulty deciding whether to pursue marketing or teaching. and i think it's only i. hihihi. our careers should take us seriously because we spend a great deal of time and effort thinking about them...particularly about why we can't like them!!! rarr! i've written about my "career" quite a gazillion times in this blog so i won't press it anymore. at least, i'm not the only one who has not found what i want to do. lucky for those who do. and compared to me, lucky are my friends i mentioned above because they know what they don't like about their present jobs; one has narrowed down into two what she really wanted, while here i am, not knowing what i really wanted to do. i briefly suggested why not we change places for three months...maybe with that time frame we can realize if what we do is what we really want to do in the first place, or otherwise.

state of randomness............

saturday kind of fun. going to timezone with your mom. yes, with your 48-year old mom and the 23-year old you. my mom shot some hoops and threw mini-bowling balls while i spent 2 hours killing moomoos in the house of the dead. on the side, which made my arm hurt the next day, i hammered randomly-appearing crabs and spiders. i had fun. really. even if my mom thought we're wackos.

like a good samaritan, eh? on our way home last sunday, mom and i had a pleasant conversation with our cab driver. he turned out to be looking for a more stable job, in terms of giving him a regular salary. he has good driving experience and he's honest enough to tell us his plans for his family (it's really sad but he's not the paawa type). i did not tell him where i'm working but i just took down his number for anything that i can do to help. yesterday, i found that one of our officers needs a family driver. i gave the driver the details and i don't know what has happened. the last thing he told me was that he's definitely going to contact the guy. i hope he gets that job. or if not that, something better sana because he really deserves it.

salivating. for people generous enough, who loves me enough to buy me books (or both), i want to have Salman Rushdie's Midnight Children, Banana Yoshimoto's NP, and Donna Tartt's The Little Friend. And cds of Gavin deGraw (Chariot) and Keane (Hopes and Fears) would make me extremely happy I could kiss you and hug you all night, whoever you are (uhm..Mom?).

music of the moment. courtney jaye's can't behave. her albumTraveling Light is due on June 7. she's just great.

adjustments. we have a new girl in the office, kats gigante (welcome, kats!). she's still learning her way through and i'm thankful i made the mistake of telling her this early that i love kris aquino. she hates kris. so to create an air of compromise in the workplace, i better lessen my kris aquino impersonations and making pabida all my kris info all the time.

judie, prime eavesdropper. this is what i honed from liking kris aquino so much. i have the "unbequeathable" crown of being THE prime eavesdropper in town. hehe. but i don't squeal what i hear. i really don't. just be warned that no matter how soft your voice was, i heard you! a while ago, with a cubicle divider separating us, eiselle was whispering something to sandy. it's a topic i know of, and you know, if i'm not busy in my workstation, it's something that eiselle would want me to hear too. so i just listened to eiselle make those airy sounds. then she said something about us calling her "joey" from now on. sandy asked her (still, in a whispering tone) what if someone asked why joey? i answered aloud. "because eiselle looks like a baby kangaroo". astig talaga ako.

WOW, ANG HABA.

For sure, you have something to say. Click here to do so.

serious bleh. don't want to work anymore.

i had been typing an entry titled "important realizations" and the contents are really serious. it's still a draft.

aarrgghhh!!!!

busy, busy. but i do not like what i'm doing. however, i'm thinking how would i jump from one place to another without settling my duties presently. in short, sinong tatanggap sa 'yo kung nagrereflect ang tamad-tamarang performance mo sa huling pinagtrabahuhan mo??? hah, but you know what...even if i quit now, i don't know where would i go. i simply don't know what i want. is it too early to take a sabbatical leave? fff.

career psychologists will be out of jobs trying to figure out what my dilemma really is.

chaos, chaos. my desk is a pigsty. no tinge of guilt even if as deputy supervisor i have the lowest production output in the team. even if the backlog piles up.

i really don't like working anymore. but it will be detrimental if i do not work. even sons and daughters of affluent families work.

i just don't like working anymore.

read, sleep, watch TV. that will make me happy. about the previous post missing my work for one day? crap. big crap. i realized i miss it because i don't have this fast internet access at home. it will be unacceptable but i foresee myself getting fired for below par performance in the next few months.

i just don't want to work anymore.

due to insistent public demand...


ayan...o, are you disappointed? ako nga na-shock din na it's still kinda long pala. i dunno if it grew that fast in five days :)


at least when i do this now, kita mo na yung end ng hair. when i do it dati, just to see the end of the hair, before you know it, full body shot na. nge.

~ some pics from the team-building seminar


hindi ko tlaga makuha yung relevance ng giant tutubi na yan eh horse ranch(let) yung place on the left. ewan.


gitnang gitna yan, tingnan nyo naman :)


mukhang naluging bakla. hay, memories of rakista hayskul days


napagod kami kakapakinig kay atorni.


hehe, finally.

I hate this day because I am feeling lazy again.

I usually am ignoring deadlines. I pride myself to work my best when I'm under extreme pressure. Buti na lang, my boss, with her own admission, looks at what you did at the end of the day, and does not mind how you did it. Ang importante, natapos. So kesehodang madaanan akong nagbo-blog maghapon, kiber nya. Tipong mga 4 p.m. ko na sisimulan yung backlog ko. Model employee talaga si Judith Octavo. Employee of the Year pa kamo. *gigil*

I am also not in the mood to go the dentist today. It was supposed to be yesterday but there is a meeting daw come 3 pm and the bottomline is I have to be in the office. I'm on leave yesterday ha. Hay. So cancelled ka, Dr. Caldoza. And he's not really in my sked today so I'm not going there. Stubborn. Rarr.

What I'm scheduled for today is the figure consultation at Slimmer's World. The thing is, I didn't bring my workout gear so there is no way I can use the trial workout in heels.

Speaking of get-up, I hate this blouse I'm wearing now. The fabric creases 2 seconds after you wore the clothing.Now, I look like I was gang-raped (knock on wood). No matter how I try to be well-groomed, this kind of fabric just puts you down the drain.

Judith, stop feeling sorry for yourself. This will pass. It makes you feel like crying but it's okay. You will hear from this person soon. Or better yet, don't expect too much.

These are the times we all wish for

The moment when less means so much more

We don't have to do a thing at all

We can take our time and talk

And this is the way things need to be

No pressure from you and none from me

Just let the mood set the moment off

We can make love or not at all

-These Are The Times, Dru Hill

Barely two hours at work, and I'm losing my patience.

1. Whoever told you that just because your son-in-law is an American citizen, we will put his letter in a pedestal, above thousands of letters that we get every single day (which we ignore, by the way)? We gave you more consideration than what you need. Don't abuse it. When I only had one fried hotdog for breakfast, I snap easily, I'm telling you. Grrr.

2. We are not impressed with highfalutin English sentences. Either we laugh at it or we get pissed off. I was the latter. Like, how hard is it to say, "I want to ask for a reconsideration"?

3. Sending your oath-taking certificate does not absolve you from your absurd activities in the United States when you were younger. Now don't get all "I'm a municipal mayor" on me.

4. I can't wait for Thursday. Hay, payday.

5. This one promise I won't break today, no matter how much I lose my patience. See, yesterday I (thought I) made a mistake of hoping that...never mind (heehee). It's just one of those days with one of those people. I am no feelings expert but I felt last night I fell flat on my face again. Masyado kasi akong feeling eh, what with his style na pang-rotten tomatoes dot com. Hay Juday magbago ka na! Namimiss ko kasi siya eh. Pero no, I promised myself na moratorium ako sa kanya today. Magtira ng konting dignidad. Bukas na ulit umalembong, bwahahaha!!

P.S. I am so in the mood lately to have my children's party planning business. Ewan ko ba. Si Sandy kasi eh. Nakakatuwa daw gumawa ng mga lootbags. Hay.

lableter

Dear Bakekang,

I am not usually good with words, much more with writing down what I feel.

Lately, I feel the need to hear from you more often. Seeing a message from you or hearing your voice on the phone, no matter how few those times were, made my perpetually hectic days bearable. If you notice, I try to make any kind of conversation just to get your attention, and you must have thought either I've gone crazy or I'm really too pushy. I can be either. I can be anything, if that would help me express how I feel for you.

During the few times that I heard from you, it made me look forward to seeing you again, and well, only you can tell when would that be.

You will do me a favor if you will let me know what you think of this. I faced my senseless fear of getting things forward because I know that I will regret letting us become another could-have-been.

From the deepest corner of my heart,

Procopio

And allow me to share our photo when we first met. I look at it everyday with growing love for you.

HAVE YOU EVER COMPLAINED SO MUCH ABOUT SOMETHING YET WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH IT FOR ONE DAY YOU TOTALLY MISS IT TO DEATH?

I KNOW THE FEELING.

Believe it or not, I miss my work. I just have to use these things they call "forfeitable leave of absence" so I'm here at home today.

liberation?

i had my very first drastic haircut in my 23 years of life.

my mom and i have this silent rift lately, quite usual because of her erratic mood swings due to menopause (she admits it and she can't seem to help it), so i just sent her a text that goes, "pauwi na ako. sorry. don't kill me pag nakita mo ako later." of course, she wouldn't think that i am pregnant or i am bringing home a guy or anything along that line. she knows i am not that courageous yet. i think upon reading the text she knows i had my hair cut.

i only told the hairdresser that i wanted only 5-6 inches cut from my uber long hair (think butt-length when it's curly...). since it is...rather, was (*teary-eyed*) curly, he (she?) overestimated the length. when i asked him to "stretch" the first batch of hair that has fallen on the floor, they were more than 6 inches, believe me. i saw him literally become pale and apologetic. part of me wanted to strangle him and make a scene, but then again, it cannot be undone. unless i want to sport an odd hair length, i could have insisted that he blowdry my hair right there and then so i can leave. but i did not. there's the rebellious side of me that whispered it's okay.

to make the long story short, the "plan" of a bra-line length, as the term goes, is now only a bit below the shoulders. and that is now that the blowdry is still in effect. when it curls up a little later tonight, gee, i dunno. but what can i do?

i do not feel total liberation from whatever it is that i want to be free from. i don't know what hit me that i got on the nearest salon after my reading time. i guess i just have to face the consequences of this. my hair is just a bit buhaghag on the sides but when i just woke up, i find its curls cute, they're like cooked pancit canton, hehe. after bathing, the curls are really natural, not the frizzy type a la floor mop. i guess i just have to miss them for now. i know they will grow soon enough. it's like seeing my dogs go before. in a few weeks, i've accepted that they're gone. much more with this..in a few months, it could be back on its old length.

now, the only thing i have to prepare for is when my dad returns in two weeks time. he, who is so strongly against cutting my hair since i was born. i guess i have my sister on my side on this but knowing my dad, nah.

see...a 23-year old worrying over a haircut! how mature can that get?! this growing fear would be tantamount to "dad, i'm pregnant" for other girls...ladies my age!

to my hair, i'll miss you. but i know you will grow back soon. let me just see what your absence can make in my life. i brought you home, didn't i? (yes, i did, which elicited laughs from all the people in the salon. like, who would ever request that all the hairs on the floor ("basta kulot, kay ma'am yun") be put in a plastic so i can take them home? only i can do that nowadays, eh?)

my next goal is to lose a few pounds. i am off to my first ever figure consultation, hopefully tomorrow (uhm, it's for free...hehe..the perks of where i'm working).

lai, tell me what you think about this.

ANG IKLI NA NG BUHOK KO. SYET.

'Coz I am hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today

Take this music and use it

Let it take you away

Let's be hopeful (hopeful), He'll make a way

I know, it ain't easy

Let's be hopeful

- Hope (Twista)

r A n d O m

hah, nagtatampo ang aking mudra...ewan ko ba dun. it just makes me uncomfy. or maybe, iniisip ko na lang, this is her way of finally letting me do things on my own. i'm still getting the hang of it pero first day pa lang, kita nyo naman...ang aga kong pumasok, wala akong nakalimutan sa haus...mature na mature ang lola nyo. i just hope i can sustain this kung hindi, nakakahiya :)

i forwarded an email to my friends today. i got varied reactions and it somehow sparked a discussion. among the lines that struck close to home were:

(On pseudo-relationship) My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

it was written by one noringao from peyups.com. this is an old write-up.

btw, don't you get annoyed when you receive successive texts na galing sa provider nyo na nag-ooffer ng kung anu-ano? hay. tipong excited ka pa kasi akala mo isang mahalagang tao yung nagtext tapos nagtatanong lang pala kung gusto mong mag-download ng ringtone ng bagong single ng sexbomb girls? watdaff.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide
- Collide, Howie Day

moment

finally, i told someone of what i feel since yesterday. it's just different when you say it aloud, rather than conveying it via e-mail to other friends.

but knowing me, this moment will pass. unless i do something about it (and no, kace, i am not referring to what you told me). this is a classic case of wanting something to happen yet when it's there, you are confused. the funny thing pa is that people involved in this 'moment' may not have any inkling of what i feel. part naman of my fear (and yes, extreme pride) is to take things forward.

this is a nice feeling but i doubt if it can sustain itself. masarap sa pakiramdam pero i always have this fear behind me na things will not go well if i pursued it.

ayan, i have blogged about it, mamaya lang, wala na siguro ito.

ang labo ko 'no?

p.s. i miss these people: the one who is so far away in Reno but has not changed and still loves Moo Choco drink, the one who has not returned yet despite the promise of promotion, the one whose presence is always felt but in sum, has been random, the one who owes me three books in my Amazon Wishlist, my godson in Fresno, and YOU. yes, you.

bibo moment of the day: saying "you're welcome" to the applicant even before she says "thank you". kunyari na lang, psychic ako at naanticipate ko na magte-thank you sya *hiya*.

strike

yuppity yup, may transport strike today. feeling socially relevant ang mga kapitbahay naming drivers kaya ayun, tambay sila maghapon dito sa chromium street. i dunno if they talked about the impact of what they did today, o napagtanto man lang ang cause na ipinaglalaban nila. siguro naman. sana naman.

i was late for work dahil...tanaaaan...sunday night pa lang my mom told me wag na daw ako pumasok. grabe, parang bata ako... tipong ayaw papasukin kasi umuulan. hahahaha! lately, my mom has consistently been paranoid when i go out of the house; she consulted her doctor last sunday and she was told na *beep beep* that's how women in their pre-menopausal stage feel. we've been arguing about it na wag na sya masyado mag-worry. minsan tuloy, naipaliwanag ko na sa kanya yung power of suggestion. like the more she thinks that something bad will happen to me, lalo lang nyang iniinvite yung idea na baka magkatotoo kakaisip nya. i do not hold my fate pero i've been prayerful naman atsaka i'm not the type who would do something nasty (hmmm). it's not actually a matter of my mom's trust...she trusts me but not my environment. eh ang labo nun, pwede ba akong nakakulong 'no...hay..so you see, i digress.

one of my mom's countless "fears" eh baka manggulo daw yung makakakita ng transport vehicles na hindi sasama sa strike. she even specifically told me na baka daw may bumato na lang at tamaan ako sa ulo. how morbid can she get? pero nanaig ang kahihiyan at konting maturity kaya i rushed to the office kahit (get this) 6:45 a.m. na ako nagising. at 10 minutes lang akong late...that's a super feat.

and man, the day has been so boring. kahit E gave me the hair wax, i ate choco popballs, i got a call that really made me smile...iba pa rin. kainis. i barely touched my workload. bleh, tomorrow na lang. tsk. plus, i'm still getting used to our new file cabinets. it made our department "darker". see, those cabinets are looming over the cubicle dividers, something that we have successfully adjusted with, per State Department regulations na rin (bawal ang divider na sobrang mataas, baka daw maraming milagrong gawin- hehe). after i went to the main office nga, i blurted, "they're so tall!" at ewan ko why E and lalaine suddenly laughed.

let me just confess, out of guilt...most of my calls today eh i directed to the recording. excellent customer service. kasi naman...i like that hotel general manager ha, he's been nice and not so proud of who he is, pero nakukulitan ako sa kanya. i'm so mean. pag nalaman nya ako yun i may not be able to step inside *insert hotel's name* (clue, malapit sya sa senate--haha, giveaway!). nakakatamad kasi. darn, i'm a real model employee!!!!!!!!!!!

so now, i deliberately missed tru calling again and i'm waiting to doze off anytime. grabe, this is one of those "lutang" days.

>> i wanna apologize to someone for an email reply that i never thought would hurt him (eh joke naman kasi yun, at lahat naman ng nakabasa eh natawa, ewan ko ba).

>> i wanna know what has happened to this person so this other person will stop bugging me every night

>> i wanna see thea marie. my officemates know why. gusto kasi naming...uhm...mag-commercial models. hahahahaha!!!!!

>> i wanna order this customized shirt from my friend. it will be printed with FUTURE FIRST LADY. weehee. spell pathetic?

>> i wanna hear this person's voice again. it's been a while since i got an entry-level intellectual stimulation from someone of the opposite sex. i may need to hone it anew, hindi naman ako ganito kababaw dati.

>> i want to have another cat. i will name her MICHIFU. my spanish 1 classmates would know why.

hay, finally i'm sleepy. two weekend pics lang:


THE accountant Ariane. I so miss this girl! Eto ang kadramahan ko nung highschool. She told me this "urban legend" back in sophomore high that still gave us a laughing fit when we talked about it last Friday. It's been six years since we saw each other. Super demure na ang gaga, sarap sabunutan, hahaha!!! It's been a hell week for her because of the tax deadline. I was so impressed with her and her disposition. I dunno bakit ako hindi nasasagi sa isip ko yung mga ganun. Ang babaw ko siguro tlaga. We promised to see each other more often and I can't wait to go resto hopping with her. Eater ata kami pareho. Imagine, tiniis kong hindi makitang nagpapatawa at sumasayaw sa Wazzup Wazzup si Mar Roxas dahil ka-dinner ko sya, ang future "partner" ng SGV *wide grin*. Ganyan ako magmahal. Hahahaha!!! Isip ko na lang makikita ko din si Mar mag-dance ulit...this time yung Chupetta (sp?) naman.


My nieces Julienne and Pia. Buti pa pag bata, pag pumasok na ang summer, nagbibilang na ng resorts na napupuntahan...pag matanda ka na, lumilipas lang ang summer ng ganun-ganon na lang. Super inggit ako nung nagkukuwento sila sa akin. Harumph. The girl on my right, Pia, was the one who believed that Piolo is my ex, and Mar is my current squeeze. Hahahaha!!! Masamang halimbawa ako 'no?

*hohum*

<=!book freak!=>

powerbooks is on sale! the dimwit me failed to notice the big "20% on ALL books" hanging just above the counter.

my present financial state allowed me to buy only one:

A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY by Libba Bray

i saw some more and looked for some which, sadly, weren't there. in moments of book-obsession in its highest level, i decided to shift to amazon. i just hope most of my orders get in time for my sister's departure for manila in two weeks. the shipping cost alone could kill you when i have them sent here in manila. i am literally shaking with the thoughts of the books of...

SALMAN RUSHDIE

BANANA YOSHIMOTO

HARUKI MURAKAMI

and oh, i am hoping that there will be a paperback of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. please. it's just too expensive. and The Discworld Omnibus, too.

p.s.
it's a bit hassle carrying printed stuff with you as if you're a student when in fact you just have a book. but i would rather take it than shell out 300+ for a real book, considering my cheapskate level. e-books worked for me; the ones i have now are those i have been having 2nd thoughts of buying because they might not be good, and now, i got them for a meager price (including my future cartridge and paper consumption). i now have...

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC
SHOPAHOLIC TIES THE KNOT
VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE
THE GIRL WHO LOVED TOM GORDON
ILLUMINATUS! (The Trilogy)
ORYX AND CRAKE
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST

i'm sooo happy.

ninang

i was barely awake when my lovable niece-slash-goddaughter started talking to me about piolo pascual.

two years ago, she just turned three then, i told her that piolo pascual is my boyfriend. she believed it to the point when she had a school trip and they ate at Max's where piolo has this life-size image, she exclaimed, "that's my ninang's boyfriend!" her gullible classmates then asked her yaya, "true po ba na boyfriend nya si ployo?" the ever kunsintidor yaya said, "oo, totoo yun!"

i haven't seen her in a while but surprisingly she never forgot it. when she was talking to me, she asked me first if piolo is still my boyfriend. i said no, we broke up but we're still friends. she then told me, "kasi ninang, sabi nya sa the buzz he's not bading." i laughed. i assured her that piolo is not bading.

"sino na boyfriend mo now, ninang?"

i didn't answer.

"ah alam ko na, si mar yoxas," she said pointing to the Mar Roxas thingie that Kathy sent me which is in my dresser (uhm, it was also a calendar so that should explain it, eh?).

"e ninang, nakita ko binigyan nya ng flowers si korina eh," she thought for a while.

"well, korina and i are also friends," i said.

she then left me and i heard her tell her mom what she just learned.

ha-ha. i'll wait for that day when she'll come up to me and say that i have been fooling her all along. ha ha ha....

i'm a bad, one hell of a liar ninang!

fearless bounce speaks...

Licette: Happy birthday...yesterday! I miss you and I love you, my friend.

Bammie: Happy burrday! shucks, 24 na si bestfriend. 24. 24. 24. yihee.

Jajay: I don't have Judith McNaught books back in college! I borrowed all of them. I had Kathleen Woodiwiss, Brenda Joyce and Johanna Lindsey. Ngayon pa lang ako nagcocontemplate sa pagbili, they are everywhere, reprints nga lang. Try e-books.

Gracie: You have to pay nga lang pero it's a complete set naman. Sulit.

Hanagirl: Yeah, it's like so refreshing to make salita like that. Thanks for always dropping by. You really rock, girl!

Ellaine: Di ba bagay? Parang ikaw na ba? Ahihi, joke! Old wounds...old wounds... :)

Patty: You will find the flats you're looking for. I don't have to ace any exam because I completely dropped it (bad!). And thank you, I really don't have to be positive all the time. Baka mawalan ng silbi ang term na "negative".

Kryzzy: I'm still craving for it.

Olga: You're married?! At if I'm not wrong, kay Ybanez din pala! Hahahaha!!! Swerte nya sa iyo ha. Of course, I still remember you. And I won't forget you pag First Lady na ako, ahehe.

Freyti: Uhm, wala akong taong namimiss...wala nga at all eh. Magkuwento ka sa bloggie mo, puro pictures ha!

E: Muzzle me, E!

:D: Whoever you are, thanks for the reminder. I saw it na. Kulit nga eh. Ganyan siguro sya pag nagna-nag na si Korina, hehe.

BWAAHHH, AYOKO MAG-TRABAHO, GUSTO KO MAG-AYOS NG CABINETS!!!! WEIRD PERO GUSTO KONG MAG-AYOS AT MAG-ALPHABETIZE NG FILES! OBSESSION KO YAN!!!

salamat sa mga nagta-tag. if you want to say something more, may guestbook po ako. gamitin nyo naman, baka matapos na lang yung membership ko, wala pang laman :) .

at plugging...nasa anniversay special ng wazzup wazzup si Mar tonight! sana maabutan ko kasi i will be engrossed sa...F I L I N G. Wee.

fickle

this is dangerous, or so i was told.

i thought i am over that short phase. it's amazing how a song can make you regain the heavy feeling that you thought you've been over with.

amid a few pending jobs in front of me, let me lay my thoughts on this blog. just some of them.

southborder's song WHEREVER YOU ARE (two posts below) makes me sad. really sad. and if some people get all melancholic with a song because they remember people, places or events, i feel like crying because of lack of something (see VOID reference in a previous post).

to put it straight, i am having bouts (again) of emotional sadness because i am single. there are better things i can write about being unattached and i'm sure most single people, and a chunk of attached ones, will agree with me. however, there comes a point in my life when i feel that i just go with the norm that being single is fun and is actually better than being with someone. it is true at times, and in certain circumstances, it's not.

my "logical" friends have asked me since the last world war to stop fretting and instead, list down the pros and cons of being single and otherwise. but what you feel at the moment influences your ultimate decision. sure, i can list down things such as "can go wherever and whenever you want after office", "can change your mind as often as you want", "can have real good reading time", "can rest on weekends" then the opposite of those on the other column and aren't the positive things about being single so appealing and promising? however, my present state of mind junks the promise of the pros...finding a loophole or two among the pros so it would look like a con. appealing to emotions, ika nga. using sadness and the killing effect of solitary existence to debunk the pros. now, from afar, i believe that people in love really become stupid. *isang malalim na buntong-hininga*

in view of this imminent preference for being attached, i now want to ask, "am i ready?" baka naman i just feel i am. going back to my examples of pros above, i can say that they are true with me. the issue now is if i am ready to give up all of those simple activities to give space for another person in my life. i can hear the emotional me scream in approval. but i've learned a lesson on reality and how badly it bites so i am weighing the other side.

but heck, this is not a news item so let's throw the balance of ideas straight to the recycle bin.

lately, i am feeling stabs of envy whenever i see couples talk about their day (thus reinforcing the prime eavesdropper in me). i want to have that again, and please, can it not be with my Mom (though i love my Mom to pieces?). two weeks ago, there was an episode of Gilmore Girls where Jason Stiles kept on ranting about what his girlfriend Lorelai's dad did to him. she then asked if he wanted anything. he said, "No, I just needed to vent", kissed her, then went ahead to the office. there are days when i want to rant and rave about one of those hell days, and there would be someone to listen and hold my hand and say that it's just one of those days. or he can pretend to listen and i would still appreciate it, as long as he's there, acting like my human rantboard. in turn, i can be that sympathetic listener who would do the same. i just miss it. after a long day in both of our lives, it would be refreshing to talk about things, about life, about books recently read, about movies worth watching, about other people, even about celebrities and politicians. and even if it sounds scary because it appears ideal, still, to dream is free. frankly, i don't look for "all of the above". i've accepted the fact that you most often do not get the one who fulfills all the traits in the "my ideal guy should be..." list.

anyway, moving on, i want to worry about another person's welfare once more. to ask him if his presentation went well, if he arrived safely on a business trip, if the clients were impressed. those things can be a quest for other information that are better learned not from magazines, books or websites. although watching films on weekends is heaven for me, i love having someone to watch with, sharing povs, jabbing me when i react in the most exciting of scenes, or would simply hold my hand throughout the time. i would want to experience being smirked at when i toured the mall twice already and can't seem to decide on what to buy. i would want to be with someone special trying the new restaurants in town, or eating at places i've never been to, or simply going with my ridiculous whim of Mcdonald's spaghetti or Jollibee's Choco Mallow Pie or KFC's brownie.

i like to believe that i desire only simple forms of happiness, that's why sometimes, it makes me sad that i can't have them. i've always relied on having it in God's own time yet i am only human. i get impatient. in the interim, i just want to console myself with the idea of preparing myself in case someone really comes along. when that time comes, i am ready to accept that i'll be unsure of what's going to happen tomorrow, unlike now when i have these visions of happy times and cheesy scenes as if it came straight from a romance fanfiction.

(long pause)

please, i don't want "it will come" or "take advantage of this time" comments. i am not looking for THE one. the idea of finding the one i will be with for the rest of my life even scares me. i just wish for that other half, albeit temporarily (and nobody knows what will happen naman). i am so mushy, 'no? i hope my college friends don't read this. ha-ha.

in sum, i just want to say that i feel sad because it's been a while. i miss the feeling of being another person's half yet confidently maintaining and improving the other side of ME.

it's been a while.

(sighs, then looks at the mirror)

+shucks, i so hate the shade of my lipstick today.+

like a super maikling update

this araw is so nakakatamad, i feel so inaantok pa to think i made tulog naman for six hours.

i spent my day dispatching whatever that are kailangan, including revocations and at the same time make sagot the phone and deal with plenty of those makulit applicants. there was one na he's like, you know, mabait, coz he said he's gonna make me daw the first female president of the United States, and i was like, super duh :) if not for our bantay here i would have said to that caller na, don't you know that i will be the future first lady of the philippines, like in 2010 na *winks*? buti na lang i made pigil myself kasi he might think i'm so yabang and all. hay.

i have like slight lagnat coz it's super cold tlaga here, para akong nasa alaska (not the lata ng gatas ha, haha ur so funny). tapos when you go outside kahit sa gazebo lang you will feel the init from the bay. this workplace is so unhealthy talaga, if not for the internet access, i would have just stayed sa bahay.

i feel so lungkot coz the friday dinner date with my highschool friends may not be tuloy. kasi naman, like i super forgot that it's tax season and most them work for those hella accounting firms in makati. i told them nga i don't know anything about it coz i don't pay income taxes ano, i'm a US federal government employee, haller *winks*. kaya nga they said i have no karapatan to make reklamo kasi i don't pay buwis. pero haven't they made isip that all purchases, no matter how mura they are, have taxes din ano? don't make me away on this, isusumbong ko kayo kay Mar.

hay, a part of me whispers that i'm so annoying to read na. siguro i need lang to take my lunch. i have no baon today so i have no choice but to make bili those overpriced and super ma-cholesterol food sa cafeteria sa taas. they're not even masarap, dinadaan lang nila sa dami. so asar, they even got the nerve to make taas their presyo.

i'll just blog ulit tonight. i'll make kuwento this person i miss so much then when i heard from him nagalit lang ako. ay i'm so bad tlaga...ha ha ha.

why i feel like crying

I love to see the ocean's beauty
And the moon that shines above
Alone in the sand lookin at the stars
Wishing someday I would find true love

Wouldn't be nice to see the morning
With the one you love the most
Wouldn't be nice to say goodnight
To the one you hold so close
To your heart, to your heart...

The wind that blows the dove
Is the wind that blows my love
Hoping to find its way to you
Wherever you are

I love to sit in fields of green
Looking deeply thru the sky
Watching birds as they flap by
Hoping someday faith will bring me true love

Wouldn't be nice to hold someone
So dear near your heart
Wouldn't be nice to hear those words
I love you, from the one
That you love, that you love

The wind that blows the dove
Is the wind that blows my love
Hoping to find its way to you
Wherever you are

I love to see myself one day
In the arms of someone
Who will share his life with me
Selflessly, someday you will find your way,
To me . . .

The wind that blows the dove
Is the wind that blows my love
Hoping to find its way to you
Wherever you are

As you see, I am just being annoyingly sentimental.

Life is too much fun! A trip to a bazaar could make my week, really! Yet alarmingly speaking,life nowadays really hurts.

Heavy is your heart when there is something to be hurt about. But sometimes, something as weightless as a VOID can be unbearable to carry. Think Milan Kundera's book, something to that effect.

Iyak na naman ako. Bleh.

In three hours, I will cry.

This is one of the things I hate during this time of the month. I become the most emotional earthling worthy to be watercured. Really.

Clue: Southborder's Wherever You Are.

I pray

I may not be one of thousands who will flock Luneta Grandstand tonight but nonetheless, I pray that everything will be safe and peaceful, and spiritually be one in the occasion of our dear Pope's ceremonial return to his and our Savior.

On a more personal level, and this has connection with the Grandstand vigil tonight, I ask our dear Pope to cleanse my mind of doubts and distrust. It is unhealthy to be generous and compassionate whilst deep inside I am having doubts and putting bad faith to my fellow. As they say, better to have said no than say yes but you're gritting in disapproval. I know that dear Pope and God, most of all, know what I'm talking about. Please erase them from my mind and please let it be returned to me safe and sound tomorrow.

I am just so selfish, really.

happy

that's what i feel right now. really. i guess i'm over that anger prompting me to post whatever it was below. at some teeny-weeny point, i feel guilty for writing the things i did. but it's been written and i have no plans na rin to retract.

anyway, i am loving myself more for the recent simple joys (even if simple is subjective, i guess?):

JOSH DUHAMEL. Oh, man. I hope Mar won't make tampo, hmmhmm. I only watch Las Vegas before because of Marsha Thomason. Through time, their episodes become even shallow and boring. But last Wednesday, hay, I dunno. He was just so yummy. Yeah, as in capital Y. Yummy. Heehee. He resembles Barry Watson a bit, doesn't he? I even had this so-so feeling when I saw that he was named Cosmo's Fun Fearless Male of the Year last Feb! Eh kasi it's different when you see him in pictures. He's yummier when you can see him move and walk and talk. Don't tell Mar Roxas na lang, baka mag-LQ pa kami mamayang gabi. Hahahahaha!!!!

CHOCO MALLOW PIE. Sariling atin mula sa Jollibee. Eto ang literal na yummy. Why didn't they think of this before?

CHEAP FLATS. Or I dunno how you even call them. My Mom discouraged me to buy those because she said it makes me look way shorter, as in dwarfy short. I bought one for our holiday party but it was black and it's too plain. So yesterday, we just headed to Divisoria to haggle for those cheap Korean-branded flats. They're soo nice. I got one na parang tweed and one na close to a fuchsia pink. I plan to return this weekend for more. If you molest them for a matter of six months or less, sulit na din.

E-BOOKS. My most common dilemma as a booklover is when I don't have money to buy books. I know that this current hype on e-books has its downside too but I think it will be okay for me as I am lucky to have the luxury of a personal computer and working printers (especially in the office, hehe). If I find myself loving an e-book then I can go ahead and buy a real book.

FREEBIES. Any kind of freebies I make patol. Today is the Embassy's Health Fair and I just went there for the give-aways, reading materials and other stuff from the participating health units. Most of the best hospitals in the country have booths today, along with pharma companies and therapy centers. E and Sandz went this morning and I heard the chiropractors were good. Btw, when I registered this morning, I took a couple of sample of Trust Condoms. Ang baho pala nun tsaka napaka-oily. Easy to break pa. Hahahaha!!

(and i found out that my brother will have another baby boy, not a girl, for the third time. and i blamed him on the phone, sabi ko "pa'no nangyaring boy pa rin yan?" sabi nya, "ewan ko nga rin eh!" well, blessing pa din sya. to make up for it, sabi ko ipaschedule na lang nya yung op sa May 13, as opposed to 17, para ka-birthday ni Mar. wee.)

*I didn't realize I was unsuccessful in deleting the images of my new flats. Patty, I was so so so sleepy to even think of the story to go with the pics so I deleted them (or so I thought I did last night)*

No consolations for now

I told four people today, my Mom included, that I don't need a litany of consolations to make me feel better. I am still mad and it was only during the meeting earlier when I felt this extreme urge to strangle someone with my long hair.

If I rely on countless "hayaan mo na's" I realize that it will not work for me. I need an outlet to vent my anger. Otherwise, if there will be another instance when a consolation is not within reach, I will really explode. I told Patty that all my irreparable relationships are those where I said the nastiest of words because that's how anger affects me.

I think it is normal to be cranky and bitchy and argumentative and close-minded sometimes. Because how would you appreciate being otherwise, right?

So, mainit pa rin ang ulo ko ngayon. Bwisit talaga. Big time.

May sasabihin ka? Dito na lang.

Mainit ang ulo ko ngayon.

I'm so disappointed I want to cry. And forgive my language, please.

I don't want to dwell yet again on the technalities of this promotion. I've long accepted the fact that I cannot go up like other promotions na upon effectivity, pati position mo bago na. Wala naman akong nagawa at magagawa, kasi meron ba? Then eto na, yung ginagawa mo ng halos dalawang taon, ngayon mo lang makukuha yung pay grade na commensurate sa job description mo, tapos ganito pa.

Bakit, last year naman sabay nag-effect yung step increase at grade increase ah? Pero ngayon daw mag-e-effect kung kelan naipasa sa HR yung actual signed evaluation.. Eh puta, kasalanan ko ba yon? On time ipinasa yun ng immediate boss ko, natulog sa desk nila ng isa't kalahating buwan! Tapos affected ngayon yung retro pay ko. Gago.

Ayoko na muna nung katwiran na "na-promote ka naman" o "bata ka pa naman" o yung "tingnan mo yung bigger picture, yung opportunities na sa 'yo". Tang-ina, ang bottom line, nadehado ako talaga. Tsaka yang lintik na promotion na yan, last I reckon eh April 2003 ko pa nakuha. Hindi rin ako pwedeng sabihan ng mukhang pera kasi puta, pinag-trabaho ko yon. Hindi ko napanalunan o hiningi. Lintik na "Equal Opportunity Employer" crap yan. Hindi porke maayos ang sweldo mo sa lagay na ganito at admittedly, may prestige sa pagtatrabaho dito, hindi dahilan yun para mag-smile ka na lang kapag ginaganyan ka. Ang problema pag inapela mo yan, iipitin ka. Magagalit pa sa 'yo. Eh ano ba kung wala pa halos ten-thousand yun. Pera pa rin yun na pinagtrabahuhan ko. Kung sa mga ganyang maliliit na bagay nandedehado sila, hindi ako magtataka kung sa susunod na taon malaki-laki rin ang mamomolestiya nila sa mga empleyado.

Tigilan na muna yang mga kagaguhang "tingnan mo na lang kung gaano ka naman kaswerte kumpara sa iba" na mentality. Nakakapagod din maging positibo. Lalo na pag ganyanan naman.

Dapat ba akong magalit? Sagutin mo nga dito. Salamat.

CoMe AnD gO

:: I was amazed by the comments I got from my entry about Mar Roxas. Not with the number of comments but where actually most of these comments came from. These are the people I never thought would read my blog, and honestly, I never thought that they are actually just here and there lurking (hehe). I remember shamelessly plugging my blog last year when I tried to reconnect with my old friends. Only a few responded and I never even heard any of them really dropping by! Hmmm, it only took Mar lang pala ha so I would realize that awwww...you read my blog!!! Thank you po, thank you po. I miss you guys more than you can imagine. Kahit wala man lang natuwa sa post ko at puro panlilibak ang comments. Huu, yung iba sa inyo hindi marunong gumamit ng tagboard (hmmm) pati guestbook (hmmmm uli) at nag-email na lang (nyeehee-- don't worry *a****, dalawa naman kayo ni **g****). Maybe next time, iba naman ang i-to-touch ko. It appears that the "Pag First Lady na ako ng Pilipinas, I won't forget all of you, promise!" got them. Next time, I'll make it something like, "I'm joining the Sex Bomb Girls" or worse, "I'm pregnant with *insert name of most hated singer or actor here*'s baby". Let's see how violent they can get pa.

:: I am so lazy to attend the few remaining sessions of my Spanish language course. They say sayang daw yung tuition fee pero okay lang...I really feel so tamad going there kahit twice a week lang. Kaya lang, I tell myself to just get it over with, take the exam (and surprise them by acing it - wahu, yabang) and it'll be finished before I can even spell muchas gracias. Let's see. Marunong pa rin naman akong mahiya so I might hurdle the last few sessions.

:: Speaking of Spanish blahblah, I will not pursue the Don Quijote reading anymore. See, I told you I'm so fickle-minded. One, the day when I could be scheduled coincided with the Embassy Shoppers Day (where I am praying for one of the prizes, which is a secret for now). Second, it will also be the Team Building thingie of the Credit Union. I won't really go for the team building activities but for the free accomodations (kapal). Although the venue will be (Patty, lemme borrow) soooo last century, I would like to go and show my officemates where I grew up and introduce them to familiar people who could be there too (huh, so may idea na kayo saan ang venue, no?).

:: I got the nerve to miss Tru Calling tonight. Yep, on its fifth episode. I like watching it naman although with the way it unfolds, hindi tlaga sya pwedeng pang-matagalan. I saw a boxed set of it a couple of weeks back and if I miss more, I can just buy it. Mura naman yata sya. But try catching it around 8:20 p.m. on Mondays on Studio 23.

:: I am wearing my Tigger nightwear now and I have to say, sobrang naaaliw ako. Haha, wala lang. There's another one of a different design eh. Next payday na lang.

:: I so want to buy that swimwear I saw yesterday. Like, I don't care if I don't have that body na babagayan ng swimsuit. Wala tayong pakialaman 'no. And I also want that summer dress. Gee, naiimagine ko na ang rampa ko. Blech.

:: I am having bouts again of loving being in-love. You know that feeling? It's when you don't like someone in particular, you just have this nameless and faceless person whom you love and care for tapos there will be roller-coaster of emotions, then you just feel good about it?Parang you're inspired the whole day? I guess that's loving the feeling not necessarily a person. Or maybe it's just PMS. I would like to vouch for the latter.

Comments? Dito na lang po.

^"^Awed ^"^

That sums up my young visitors' reactions today. They are not exactly "my" visitors because I don't know how those kids, aged 4-8 flocked in front of our TV set and got glued on what is now their "most favorite" movie.

Titanic.

Yes, the cheesiest and most overhyped movie ever created since man learned to stand up straight and walk using only two limbs. I realized almost all of them were not even born when Titanic was shown. I remember I had my share of guilty pleasure watching it on its 2nd screening day, sneaking past Mom to go with Lyndsey. Then I watched it with my friends like a week after. Then with my brother the next week after we dropped Dad off at the airport. Gee, 1998. Interesting year, eh?

So I went to read a book even before the iceberg hit the ship, errr, before the ship hit the iceberg. In the end, all of them were so mesmerized by it they won't stop talking about it until school starts in June. Hmmm.

Before the "most beautiful" movie screening, I watched White Chicks and Hide and Seek. The former passed a bit not to be filed under those "stupid" movies. They were funny but duh, those "jigaboos" couldn't keep the disguise for that long huh! Or maybe it reinforces they just really got stupid friends and mingle around one stupid circle. Maybe Mrs. Doubtfire and Hot Chick were enough. Then the latter, the twist was okay. I thought this Charlie was one boy her Mom aborted or her Dad killed but no...it was Dad all along. Bad Daddy. And I hope Dakota Fanning doesn't grow up. Or pass that awkward stage so fast to become one brilliant full-grown actress. The girl is really so good.

In the recent weeks by the way, I got to catch up with movies I missed. I finally watched Kung Fu Hustle which was so makulit and really, it was selfish of Stephen Chow to be on the poster alone. The fat landlady cracked me up the most, along with the "world's most dangerous killer' while he was in his white sando and beach walk sandals. All of them were good, and I think I like this more than Shaolin Soccer. I watched The Forgotten too and even though I like Julianne Moore, this does not deserve to be in the widescreen. More like a TV movie, and even less if you say that a TV movie is of the Angels in America level. The plot was simple: The aliens failed to fully understand the bond that connects a parent to a child, so they aimed to just destroy it then. They almost succeeded with everyone but Julianne's character, who managed to get one father to her side. I forgave the being whacked up in the air in an instant but hello, they succeeded in erasing memories of human beings but they covered up one child's disappearance with a wallpaper???!!! And yes, that's what set the chase and "ooops, it will blow our cover" scenes for the next 45 minutes. Finding Neverland was good too, even though I really have a hard time grasping freakin' British accents. It was heartwarming and Johnny Depp looks uhh...clean? I liked the no-frills plot but the stage performance, which was supposed to be an extravaganza, didn't hold much of my attention. I think it's because I believe nothing beats and nothing can be along the line of Amadeus. Like, I am so awed by that movie until now.

Like these kids still discussing downstairs how astig it was that the "unsinkable" ship split and sank, complete with hand demonstrations and improvised "ripping and sinking" sound effects.

MAR. And this is a long post.

Mention Mar Roxas and all the people in my immediate circle will associate it with me. Tipong, "O, Mar daw" comments from my officemates. Like my long hair which has been my identity for as long as I can remember, magtu-two years na ata dito sa office na akala nila I breathe Mar Roxas. Hindi ko na lang kino-correct yung notion kasi naku, gugulo pa ang paliwanagan. Besides, he won't know about it. Huwahaha.

But I'm not crazed and obsessed with him naman, 'no? Hello. If you ask me how this Mar fascination started, secret na lang but one thing I assure you is that this is nothing serious. I'm glad that of all people, si Joy Salvador pa nag-confirm sa akin na hindi sya naniniwala dun. Yes, even with all my remarks na, "Pag First Lady na ako ng Pilipinas, I won't forget all of you, promise!" o di kaya, "If we need to go (somewhere), don't worry, may chopper si Mar!" Hehe.

It's easy naman to like Mar Roxas. Even with his wealth and popularity, he does not exude that aura na mayabang or anything along that line. Maybe it's because of his looks. Hindi yung typical haciendero aura na mestizo. Plus, he really has something substantial between his ears. Madami kasing "mabuti na lang mayaman ka, kung hindi kawawa ka naman" o yung "okay ka na sana kaso nagsalita ka pa eh". I've always viewed Mar as someone who's hardworking and dedicated. Tsaka popular na naman sya not just because he ran and na-link kay Korina Sanchez. In fact, ayaw lang maniwala nina Patty sa akin but before, Mar had this (funny) ad for DTI na may housewife nagsoli nung defective na plancha eh ayaw i-accept kasi may "No Return, No Exchange" policy daw, then labas si Mar explaining the law dun sa housewife. True, may ganun tlaga! Ang problema ko lang wala akong mahanap na makapag-prove nun eh...pero I swear, meron yon! Pati yung San Miguel ad before na may super annoying na mama whose life got better kasi apart from his day job, nag-dealer din sila ng San Miguel beer...ang end din nun si Mar may line pang, "Sulong, enterprising Pinoy!" Siguro naman yun meron ng nakakaremember 'no? Feeling ko tuloy slave ako ng TV kaya I see a lot of ads na parang ako lang pinagpakitaan. Mar, help me please!

Anyway, with that, I feel nga may secret aspirations si Mar maging artista. Not really an artista pero yung lumalabas on-cam. Wala lang, feeling ko lang pag pinalabas mo sya sa Comedy Central type of shows eh papayag sya kahit walang talent fee. And you can see it in him na hindi OA yung dating to click with the masa; as in you can see that he really likes throwing punchlines. One of the very few I remember was during Korina's birthday na serious naman yung tanong ni Willie Revillame, humirit sya ng, "Willie, sinasagot ko yung mga tanong mo kasi naka-shine ang sapatos mo ngayon." Also, I have not watched it lang but based on some chika, super gulo din nila sa Strictly Politics nina Kiko and Noynoy last January.

Pero TV and still pictures do not do him justice. Like, if you have not seen him in person, would you say na guwapo sya? Di ba parang, uhh..he's presentable pero hindi yung tlagang you would swoon. But when I saw him in the flesh last November, parang, oh mayn, sana wala na lang si Korina sa mundo baka sakaling maging kami pa! Hahahahaha!!!! And when he started to speak, it got even better! Di nga ako naka-react eh. Ako pa ha! Ako, who speaks 200 words per minute. When Tita Ditos was telling me if I want to ask him anything, mga for a few minutes puro "Uhhm...uhh..uhm..." lang nasabi ko. Buti na lang nabanggit ko si Korina, one of his favorite subjects. Pero darn, you know, ang dami ko gusto itanong sa kanya nun ha, serious stuff and otherwise. Among the many eh yung, "Ilan ba ang blue polo mo?" tsaka yung, "Mr. Palengke, napanood mo na ba yung 'Tinimbang Ka Ngunit Kulang'?" Siguro dahil yun dun sa coffee na pinainom sa akin habang we're waiting for him. Medyo matapang. Hehe. Parang baligtad tuloy naging effect sa akin.

Even if that was the end of a very long day, he's so warm na walang halong kaplastican. Ewan ko lang ha, pero I would know it naman kung napipilitan lang sya. Dapat short visit lang eh napakwento na kasi baligtad, sya yung nag-ask ng nag-ask ng questions. And I've mentioned na he has clean shoes, haven't I? Haha, yeah, as in parang bago. While ako, pagtingin ko sa shoes ko that night parang pinanlakad sa Gobi desert. Weno ba, senador ba ako? And he has large feet ha. Hmmm.

At any rate, Mar has my support in case he wants to run for a higher post in 2010. I was about to tell him nung bye bye time na that night na, "Continue doing good in the Senate" pero, yun nga, wala. I hate it when I get mesmerized. The last time I was like that, I almost got ran over by a throng of people. Noon yung nakita ko si Richard Gomez sa isang mall at the peak of his matinee idol days and I was this 8-year-old kid na naghihintay ng Mom nya sa labas ng fitting room. Bleh.

Mar deserves to be our country's President. Maybe in 2010, maybe in 2016. Minsan lang, I'm having second thoughts if his intellect, hardwork and passion alone would suffice. I regard him as a squeaky clean person, though I do not say that he is perfect, but it takes a strong stomach to endure being the highest leader of the land. The way he regards his privacy too much, to the point of losing his temper at one time during the senatorial campaign, is something he should think about before plunging deeper to the mudpit. Irrelevant concerns or not, he has to be more patient and tolerant of questions thrown his way, in case he wants to pursue the path. Many say he will have an easy time with that presidential climb especially if he ends up with Korina, who, ironically, is one who is still too mysterious despite being on TV forever. (And what I feel about Korina is a different story. I regard her as someone who really deflates every females' self-esteem and crushes every man's balls but it was refreshing to see her blush, giggle or kiss a shirt on national TV all because of love. Kahit pa si Mar yun (hmph). Noting the last part of this previous post, this one, and this one too, and the way I struggled to be the first paying customer to have People Asia's July 2004 issue, it shows naman na okay si Korina sa akin. Super. Hehe.) But it's still early to think of that. Mukha namang consistent sya sa pagiging number 1 in terms of senatorial performance so let it speak for what his fate would be in the next few years.

I am just waiting for the time when I can look back and just smile kasi at one point I had this fascination with Mar Roxas. At least, worthwhile naman itong period na ito in my life kasi I am learning a lot.Like, I know ano ang palengkenomics, something that you do not discover kung isang trying hard na artista ang pinag-aaksayahan mo ng time. Kung dati wala akong pakialam sa mga semento, ngayon I can say something about safeguard measures sa imported cement prices without thinking of a brand ng bath soap. Yung mga ganun. And oh, these two images will make me smile even more in the future:


Eek! Halata bang gusto kong i-display yung picture naming dalawa? I hate myself in that pic eh (oo, one shot lang yan), ang jologs, akalain mong may bag pa ako! Fan na fan, grrr!!!! Anyway, see that? Compare my workstation to Korina's. Parang mas marami pa kaming pic together na naka-display. Iisa nga lang yung pose nung akin pero astig di ba?


A page in my planner. Excited ako sa mid-year bonus ko pero below that, shucks, Friday the 13th pala birthday ni Mar. May bet nga kami eh, if I can call Mar on that day and I get to greet him Happy Birthday, all-i-can-take Haagen-Dazs (or kahit Dippin' Dots) will be my prize! See, parang ginawang pustahan yung birthday nya. Teehee.

By the way, thanks to my friend Rayan (na walang problem sa discount ha, puwes...), who asked me casually if I can blog about Mar. Naku, if I know, he just wants to see his name sa world wide web. O sige na nga, eto:

RAYAN MARTY
RAYAN MARTY
RAYAN MARTY
RAYAN MARTY
RAYAN MARTY
RAYAN MARTY
RAYAN MARTY

O ayan, when you Google your name, may hit na yan siguro!

If fate would allow that Mar reads this post, I just want to ask for one thing: PLEASE CONFIRM THAT YOU HAD THAT DTI COMMERCIAL INVOLVING THE DEFECTIVE FLAT IRON (OR IT GOT ME THINKING, WAS IT AN ELECTRIC THERMOS OR A RICE COOKER?) AND THE "NO RETURN, NO EXCHANGE" THINGIE? PEOPLE REALLY THINK THAT IT'S JUST A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION. IT'S NOT, DI BA?

Comments? Here na lang.