4 things in less than 48 hours

I went to and returned from Cavite in less than 48 hours. It was a good trip, and it's always refreshing to breathe deeply without worrying that when you start to exhale you'll simultaneously do a countdown of your mortality. I got to run a few meters back and forth, too. I got to eat veggies and stuff they say were 'healthy'. I got to read peacefully (a romance novel, mind you). I got to daydream of my future family, more importantly (huwahaha). All done in less than 48 hours. I got four things about it, in a gist:

@ Kids don't like me. No matter how much I fantasize being a cool, loving, cheesy-mushy Mom in the foreseeable future, at least I have to see signs of it this early, eh? But kids do not really like me. Not that they hate me but we don't have instant connection, whatever you can call it. Unless I bribe them with something to eat or play with, they don't usually come to me. A very recent example was this little kid of one (or younger) who was a seat before me on the bus to Cavite. She's with her Dad, her goodlooking Dad, and she was really adorable. The old lady beside them probably asked why was the Dad alone, because I just overheard the Dad telling the old lady that her wife just died. Too sad, and yes, I'll admit part of why I want to play with the girl was because I sympathized with them, and yes, the Dad was cute. I quickly brushed off the malicious intent (haha) because recent widowers could be sensitive and vulnerable. Well, the little girl was being carried by her Dad on his lap, such that she was facing me. Believe me, I tried real hard to make her laugh, but all I got was a blank stare. I tried playing peek-a-boo with her, nothing happened. Still a blank stare. Then when the old lady and the conductor both played with her (they just babytalked the word HELLO!), she smiled, as in a big smile! The Dad even tried wiggling her hand to play with me but she just looked at me as if thinking what the hell I am doing in her planet. See, it's not just yesterday. Unless kids are my blood relatives, or I have bribed them, they usually ignore me. Argh! I swear to be a very sweet Mommy, my future kids won't want to be anywhere else but beside me! Bwahahaha!!!

@ Speaking of family, Rachel and I were texting about this current plan of ours, until it came to the subject of husbands. I don't know what got into us but we ended up talking about our future partners. She preferably wants to marry a foreigner (and the hula on her at the Pan Pac party goes along that line, too!). I told her I want to marry a Filipino guy, or someone of Filipino descent, and I added that I feel I am going to meet him abroad. Doesn't matter if he's an overseas worker, or there on a visit or a study grant. Basta I told her I fantasize of meeting that future 'him' abroad then we'll settle here pa rin in the Philippines. She also knows that if it doesn't go as planned, that guy could be here all along but we're gonna meet and/or hook up seriously maybe in two o three years pa. Heehee. Hmmm.

@ Speaking of texts, I miss texting my friends. I may not have texted a lot but I got to "send to many" most of the things that I was thinking of. Not all of them endured the text marathon (actually, only one did). Lately, I only text like the way it's been designed, which is to get across a message of importance. Before I really text like there's no tomorrow. I've always been on prepaid account and it costs me P1500 of load per month. Now, P450 to P600 usually does it. Last night though, I got to do it again, and I so missed it din pala. Even if my Dad annoyingly told me wala ng pahinga ang fingers ko, it was fun. Masarap mag-text lalo pag nagtatakutan.

@ Speaking of takutan, I realized I am not as chicken as before. I guess just like any other feelings, once you reach the peak, you get used to it, nothing can probably scare or hurt or make you happy after that. My turning point, I think, came after watching Feng Shui. Hahaha! Really. Not even after The Ring or The Sixth Sense but after Feng Shui. Sure, I can still get startled but my, say, "fear gene" isn't working as actively as before. I can watch scary shows without covering my eyes, I can engage in conversations about ghosts and still be able to go to the comfort room alone, and sleep with only the bedside lamp on (although I've not mastered this one yet, hehe). Last night, I and the one who lasted texting me till almost midnight were scaring each other but surprisingly, hindi na ako affected. What with, "Awooo.." na mga text or "Wag ka lumingon baka anjan na yun moomoo", nah, di na scary. In fact, nakaka-reply pa ako ng, "O sino yan katabi mo? Kapatid ba nyan yung nasa loob ng cabinet?" Through it all, I was stumped when he told me, I chose the wrong person to scare. Eh oo nga naman, taga-Capiz sya, who and what ghost story can still scare him, ano?

Now, I'm back home and in less than 48 hours, I'll be off to work na naman. Hay...what's new. Well, I should be thankful na nga rin, so I can save up for my planned trips (puro blueprint until now!), particularly that European tour next year (crossing my fingers!). Hopefully my travel companion can make it too, makaka-earn naman sya ng miles with this trip eh. If not, then I'll go alone, which is my original plan in the first place.

~P.S. This is just me, I know, but more often, I like watching BBC more than CNN.

I only watched Catwoman tonight on HBO and I saw that Alex Borstein was there, as Patience's co-worker. Alex is the funniest gag actress for me (and my basis of funny is MADTV funny, bear with me). She just creates hilarious personalities on the show. She's talented, really. I caught her once in an old episode of Friends, playing a bitter woman on a one-woman stage play, where she's not even credited. Oh well, just sharing.

happy?

yup, i am. i had a blast laughing my ass off last night at magandang gabi, bayan (they had their yearly halloween special episode). it was really funny, when it was supposed to be real scary.

i had a nice dream, too. yihee. :)

then this morning i saw na the trailer of memoirs of a geisha (Tams, finally!). i loved that novel and has been vocal in rooting for a spin-off of Mameha's story. then i saw that Michelle Yeoh's playing Mameha! now i am imagining real spin-offs! can't wait to see it here, i hope it won't be shown like a month or two after it opens in the U.S.

speaking of movies, i heard from my book buddy Erwin that the movie version of Bret Easton Ellis' Glamorama is on the works. he's also the same author who wrote American Psycho who starred Christian Bale before he even became Batman. he's an odd writer, haha.

now that i'm kinda stepping up on my mood, we're about to leave the house naman and return na tomorrow evening. hay. bahala na. might as well bring good books to keep me company :)

i miss all of you!!!!

boredom update number 3

so i slept na, i watched 2 (season 3) episodes of FRIENDS, kumain ng napakatamis na lanzones na tanim pa daw ng aking dear departed lolo (that's how old the trees in the farm in laguna were!), naghalungkat at nagflip through the pages of my highschool yearbook, kaya medyo okay na ako.

at me problema ba ang yahoo mail? everytime magsesend ako ng email may verification pa. ano ba yon.

eto ko ngayon, naubusan na naman ng ginagawa. kaya naghanap na lang ako ng mga pictures sa computer ko at grabe, puro kalokohan lang pala halos ang laman. eto ba ang definition ko ng "preserving memories"? eto ang mga nagalugad ko, i forgot na lang when some of them were taken:


sa gitna yan ng tawiran sa roxas blvd. sa tapat ng office. diosmio, kung pipindutin mo yan para makatawid ka, makakarating ka nga ng maaga, matetetano ka naman.


eto sa booksale sa rob. nainis na siguro yung sales attendant sa mga kagaya ko. haha.


cap ng nephew ko na si Jappy, who's only 5. pinilit ko ipasok sa ulo ko yan. sinabi ko sa kanyang ayoko nang magcollect sya ng tigger kasi character ko yon. haha, kawawa, pooh na ata ang pinapabili sa mom nya ngayon. ang sama ko. behind me is my mom. seksi ng lola mo. haha. woot!


my and my mom's fingers, syempre kanya yung mas bonggang ring. haha. yung akin, grad ring ko yan sa UP


ginawa ko yan habang meeting. tagal na nito. obsessed? ang galing ko nga ano? cake yata yan na may pangalan ni mar, na basta! pero humanga ako sa sarili ko nito. haha, crazy! nag-ubos ng ink ng signpen na bigay ng US government.


my nephew, Justin


with Edgar and Estee sa Punta Fuego last year. i was sick then kaya kumain lang ako ng kumain.


last tuesday lang ito, see this entry, tsaka yung nasa baba rin




eto yung mahiwagang butas kung saan nag-shoot yung paa ko dati. clueless? read this entry.

hay...halos natapos na ang isang nakakabaliw na araw. help.

boredom update number 2

can't find a skin that i like. as i type this i'm slouching on my chair. hay buhay. wala akong mararating ng ganito.

i visited na two online fora where i am a member. ala rin. tinatamad ako sumagot sa posts. basa lang ng threads. i can't believe that they acually made a thread to know if halle berry and billy bob's sex scene in monster's ball was true or not. hello, syempre hindi. not that i know how to see if it's true or otherwise...pero kita naman na for cinematic purposes lang yon. the same with diane lane's unfaithful...or heather graham's killing me softly (ilang beses pa yon).

tinatamad ako magwatch ng tv. pati magtext. pati kumain.

kung tinuloy lang yung pinaplano namin kagabi e di siguro medyo parang energizer bunny ako ngayon. hahahaha!!! kaso di pede. kailangan namin pareho magtrabaho 'no. mahirap ang buhay.

boredom update number 1

nakakabore.

ngayon lang ako hindi naexcite sa looong weekend.

i didn't accomplish my listed tasks kahapon including his forms pero breakthrough yung nalinis ko finally yung drawers ko. man, jungle na tlaga yung drawer na yon. haven't cleaned it for two years! baboy talaga. hehe.

i'm in the mood to change my blog's skin. let's see.

booohya...

i'm about 95% sure...

...that i want to take my master's next year than apply for my supervisor's position. i thought, yes, experience counts a lot rather than a degree which you may not have the chance to apply easily anyway; however, my current position is not so bad at all. i'm next in line in a managerial capacity of albeit a small team, and is considered in a senior position. it's a blessing in itself, putting me in a very good spot. plus, of course, i have to admit that i am not yet prepared to take all the bullshits that go with being a---the---supervisor. not yet. i know i'm still young and that can come a few years. if it doesn't, then it means something better will happen.

furthermore, i am terribly missing the classroom setup lately. we've been taking a short course related to work and i've seen myself read and work hard to learn stuff. i know i wasn't able to do it well in college most especially, putting me in regret more often than not, but it's never too late, that's why i need to study again.

i've been telling my good friend to apply for patent for his perpetual advice regarding choices. no matter how much of a cliché it is, it is very true. plus i know i have good friends who support me behind, no matter what. yuck, ang cheesy :)

these positive vibes are flowing smoothly, i should take advantage of them. no other time than now.

p.s. mundane things making me happy can't be overlooked as well. like a new desktop organizer. neat, pare. hahaha. gives you inspiration to make your desk clutter-free (a.k.a throw everything away, regardless of importance? hehe.).

mon bébé nomme

during lunch time today, we and two of the tech people on temp duty talked about cute names for babies. (ick. cute is so...ick) since i was 8, i am known to make names for my future kids, or for kids of couples i like (ehem). i must have forgotten a lot of those names i concocted in my mind but those that i want to name my future baby/ies with, of course are in my memory. randomly, they are the following:

(btw, one request of my dad, only if possible, is to have a name that starts with "J" for his grandkids. all my half-brothers and half-sisters have families of their own and J names must be running out!)

BOY NAMES:

Julio *father's name*
--Julio is my dad's name. Example: Julio Manuel. hehe.

Manuel Antonio
-- la lang.

Jacob Zechariah
-- la lang. biblical kung biblical.

Zechariah Constantine
-- and this was long before that guy from AI ha, please.

*father's name* Jr.
-- pede ring II (pag si blank), III (pag si M) or V (pag si B). haha.

GIRL NAMES

*female version of father's name* Judienne
-- Judienne is obviously to escape from naming her Judith or Judy or Julienne. and it's so so mine! yung female version ng father's name subject to negotiation. kasi what if maging Manuelita Judienne, parang di bagay.

Maria *mother-in-law's name* Judienne
-- o di ba, sipsip kay mom-in-law! eh kaso kung si Mar, e di Maria Judy Judienne? ngek. eh Maria Corazon Judienne. gosh. haha.

Ana Socorro Judienne
--- fave ko to, dunno why.

Athena Clementine
-- kakambal ni Zechariah Constantine, eh?

Bernice Simone
-- napaka-case specific nito...


~ and my list could go on and on and on. syempre hihingi din tayo ng input kay future hubby. well, let's say future father of the baby na lang.

~ you really have to think of naming your future kid/s well kasi dala na nila yan pagtanda. ang hirap magpabago ng pangalan ha. as it is, happy ako sa names ng mga anak ng kasama ko...alfonso miguel (sandy's), erielle zerisse and erensse ericka (eiselle's). worried lang ako dito kay kats, kasi huling usap ko sa asawa nya, seryoso ata na "boy george" ang ipapangalan sa anak nila. gusto atang isumpa sya balang araw, hahaha!!!

~ this idea was brought by the deluge of emails, albeit back and forth, from two people and myself, starting this morning. inumpisahan ng subject na "la lang" mula sa senado, tapos ayun na. ang hirap pag alang YM sa office, hahaha!!! pero alam nyo, sa gitna ng lahat ng kalokohang exchange of emails, meron kang matututunan talaga, mga aral ng buhay na tanging experience lang ang makakapagturo sa iyo. happy ako at may natutunan ako sa kanilang dalawa. eh ang laki naman ng tanda nyo sa akin kasi 'no, excuse me! hahahaha!!! magmula sa canton at karekare, gatas, watusi, lusis, pang-gas ng abogado, at sa wag mong lolokohin ang sarili mo...masaya at educational naman. at multi-taskers naman kami ha, promise :)

another aaaaahhh.....

from my niece lai's tag:

Anyway, not sure if u got the e-card, but i got you the VF subs! but 6-8 weeks daw, so wait ka na lang?? luv ya!! ^_^

aaahhhh...............

tenjuberimud!!!

i love you, laieesha janae jones!!!!

ahhhhhh..........

i am sick. in the head, it's a given. but no, i am so not feeling well since yesterday. aarrrrrggggh. yet i can't miss work because they would be all piled up when i return anyway. plus i'm going to miss everyone.

in fact, even if i'm with them everyday, i miss the things we do, like eating out after office, trying the newly-opened restaurants in manila. that's why last night, despite my feeling woozy i went with my girls plus joy and erwin to U.N. ave to eat. i so miss doing that. and the laughter and random gagoness. shucks, ang sagwa no? gagoness. anyway, wala naman talaga matino sa aming lahat 'no, so we ended up talking about marriage (it's sandy's wedding anniversary but she's separated na so death anniversary na pala yung cinelebrate, haha), pregnancy, labor and childbirth, and even sex. fuuunnn. dami ko natutunan, hehe. and no matter how modern anesthesiology has gotten over the years, ang hirap manganak pala tlaga. bigla tuloy nadissolve ang desire ko na magka-baby. hooo. tapos in the midst of our trying-to-be-intelligent-as-possible talk about sex, bigla akong naakusahang nirerape si *blank* sa aking mind. bastos. haha. guilty. joke. (oops, internet literate na mommy ko, finally kaya dapat na ako mag-ingat ingat!)

then i am still so ill today. walang boses, parang may cactus sa throat. shucks. o, mark this blog entry, baka ako na ang unang casualty ng avian flu dito sa pilipinas (katok sa kahoy tatlong beses). speaking of kahoy, i decided to start eating healthy today. i shopped for fruits last night and made my own fruit lunch for today, then ipepair ko yung lasang kahoy/papel na Jacob's low fat, high fiber biscuits. goodluck to me.

part of what keeps me going today is the fact that i heard his voice this morning. whatta nice way to start the day. mamayang gabi i'll try to see if i'll hear him again. nanood sana kayo ng magandang umaga pilipinas. heee. and a shameless plug to the lowest level...Mar Roxas will be in Wazzup Wazzup tonight.

now, apart from working, they are in the middle of finding out how to nullify a marriage whose certificate has discrepancies (a.k.a. untrue dates and places) in the first place. kung bakit ba kasi nagpapakasal pa. well, i dunno if i'll change my mind about marriage when i feel it's time to settle down. at this rate, marriage is the primary cause of divorce di ba? hahaha.

p.s. who among you has watched Jojo A All the Way on cable? I forgot what channel it was but i saw it last night. It's like a poor pinoy imitation of conan o'brien. ang host si jojo alejar, isang alumni ng that's entertainment. i'm telling you, kung gusto matawa, manood kayo. the audio is so poor, yung band members na nasa gilid ang papayat, tas wala pa sa timing yung percussion pag nagpapa-punchline yung host. riot, grabe. one joke he made, kahit bulok, made me chuckle. tama daw pala yung accusation ni mike defensor na involved si jamby sa illegal logging. kasi nung tinaas nya sa presscon table yung hita nya to show her bruises, people daw gushed, "wow, logs!" funny pero yung punchline na yan ay galing kay pol medina jr, doon sa pugad baboy! this show reminded me of a defunct noontime show titled "lunchbreak". pasaway yong show na yon, esp one of their contests na cheerleading for badings. alam nyo yung typical payat na bakla tas every step or formation na gagawin nila, be it a pyramid o magcacartwheel sila, maririnig mo lagi yung, "5,6,7,8!" haha,those were the days. unemployed pa ako noon kaya napanood ko yan. hahaha.

aaaarrrggghhh.........di ko na kaya. hay. mamaya magugulat si manong na kumukuha ng trash ko, dahil ang trash bin ko ay puno ng tissue paper. ick.

balik sa dati

out of touch na naman ako lately. clueless with my current affairs. the closest i get everyday about it is my Mar Roxas updates, to think ang daming issue sa Pilipinas at sa buong mundo.

dami na nila excited sa long weekend. ako kaya bakit hindi? eh kasi yata naka-leave din ako ng matagal the week after that. goodluck to me, i hope i get to accomplish something beneficial. nakakahiya naman. pero malamang sa hindi, yung visa application lang nya matatapos namin. someone asked me bakit ginagawa ko daw yon, in truth, secondary lang naman yung pumayag akong tumulong, gusto ko tlaga malaman how it goes dahil baka pumunta din ako don. haha. pero sa ireland muna. kahit magulo doon, mas like ko life doon. o di kaya sa stockholm. weee.

i haven't watched veronica mars and the o.c. for a while, too. haven't gone boxing too; like this week rach cant make it tas come thurs, i have a feeling hindi kami sa gym didiretso kundi sa moviehaus na naman...at pipilitin ko nga sya this time maki-share ng cheese roll sa mary grace. haha. tigil na muna heaven and eggs, please! but it still depends sa kanya dahil let's give it to her, she needs to de-stress by thursday! kung ako lang wala na akong gaanong stress....

...especially now that ill get na the next set of asian movies i ordered.

oops, 1:20 na. damn. trabaho na naman.

if you love someone, set him free. if he comes back, set him on fire.

i got that from a joke site that Eiselle visited, just forgot the exact address. literally, it's so mean. figuratively, hmm...tell me about it. oh baby. haha.

a lot of people i know are not feeling well again. tss. i am ill myself. i hope this isn't bird flu. haha.

it is amazing that no matter how bad you feel for a long period of time, a simple but sweet note can make everything go away in a snap. just like that. if i can get used to this then i won't be lonely as hell. another lesson learned.


we were soundtripping this morning and, ehem, my themesong went ...

paano mapipigil ang isang damdamin
kung ang sinisigaw ikaw ang lahat sa akin...

then i realized hindi naman siya "lahat sa akin". mga 1/4 lang. i still love myself more. plus books, plus tigger.

hindi ako matalino pero nagtataka ako bakit may mga nilalang na ang lakas ng loob magpakita ng pagmumukha sa mundong ibabaw kahit saksakan ng tanga.

yan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko eh. okay na akong ganito, pangit at mataba (galing mismo sa bibig nya). dahil kung ganun ako kaganda at kasexy tapos ganun ang utak ko, nakupo, hindi na.

yan ang mga tipo ng taong tinatanong kung ano bang nakain nya sa canteen sa eskwela at naging ganyan naman sya kabobo.

hay naku, buhay. pag wala na silang maisagot sa isyung bobo sila, babalikan ka na naiinggit ka daw sa kanila. excuse me. kailanman ay hindi ako nainggit sa taong ilang ulit na eh, tlagang ang bigkas pala nya sa believe ay "bilev" (at napakarami pang pang-guiness book of world records na off-tangent na pronunciation at reasoning. threatened na nga sina melanie marquez at alma moreno, maging si erap.)

lunes na lunes ha. nakuuuu.

i need you to tell me what you think

I am really depressed today. I guess it's part of living well this erratic personality that I have.

There are so many issues looming in my head right now, and while I would like to have answers, I can only use some enlightenment, because only I can ultimately affirm what I feel.

* I get really upset with silence. Truth to tell, it is easier for me to accept the status quo with bombardment of information flying by, conflicting or otherwise. What is difficult here is that you do not deserve to question the silence. It's like saying you cannot question Kris Aquino for keeping silent about her private affairs now, even if she's the greatest blabbermouth ever to walk this planet. Classic case of, "Wala kang pakialam." With this, I can confirm that I will never be an artsy person...because it is very difficult for me to even draw a line. It will be hard for me to be like a wire person or something, because I'm too stubborn to detach.

* Higher position or higher studies? You can only choose one. Say, you really aspire to work abroad, particularly for an international organization (i.e., UN, UNDP, WHO, IMF-WB, etc), would you say that you need a higher educational degree or a higher work position to be more, uhm, "marketable"? Take note that your undergraduate course is pretty decent, while your present job position IS already playing second fiddle to the higher position that will be vacant in the near future.

Enlightenment, enlightenment.

* I don't know if there is a manual on how to cover your ass perfectly in a sensitive and classified environment. I would like to think I am doing a good job at it but honestly, there are moments when I ask myself, what am I doing here?

Enlightenment, enlightenment.

kawawa naman ang mga lalaki

kapag tapos na ang trabaho, bukod sa ginagawang laughingstock ang iba naming matatandang kasamahan, past time din ng mga kaopisina ko ang mag-usap tungkol sa buhay.

ngayon pag-ibig ang pinag-uusapan. pag-aasawa. kung paanong hindi dapat magtiwala sa mga lalaki.

sa ngayon nag-uusap, isang hiwalay sa asawa, isang bakla, isang single, at isang cynic sa pag-aasawa at sa mga lalaki in general. hindi pa kami kasali ni Esther dyan, isang masayang nagmamahal at isang single.

si Pong, ang cynic, ang bangka ngayon. nakakaaliw sya. wala syang tiwala sa lalaki, at pwede syang speaker ng mga feminist movement. ako, hindi rin ako ang tipong magpapasakop sa asawa, pero minsan iisipin mo, nasa Bible yon, na ang babae ay magpapasakop sa asawang lalaki.

ang punto lang ni Pong, huwag natin ibigay lahat pag nagmahal. be as random as possible. and she's speaking as someone na may multiple men hovering her, na ayaw man lang magbigay. sa totoo lang, bilib ako dito eh. nakikita kong mas mahal sya ng mga boylet nya pero sya mahigpit ang hawak sa sarili nya. samantalang ako...kami...oh well.

naisip ko na lang hindi ako handa magmahal. hindi nga siguro talaga. isipin mo, kung nakuha ko yung gusto ko, handa ba akong mag-adjust, maghintay, magbigay, umintindi, magpigil ng selos sa lahat ng mga di nya mapipigilang maka-daupang palad dala ng trabaho?

mukhang hindi pa nga.

pero sa kabilang banda, lalo na ngayon at nakikinig ka sa mga ubod ng sentimental na rendition ni lea salonga ng "sana ngayong pasko", ikaw, ano ang mararamdaman mo?

naku, masalimuot na usapin. icebreaker lang ito sa tunay na kinakaharap kong dapat madesisyunan ko sa lalong madaling panahon. sa ibang entry ko na lang sasabihin, seryoso yun eh, tungkol sa trabaho, na pihadong mas boring kesa sa mga ganitong entry na tungkol sa pag-ibig.

haha, hanggang ngayon na nagtatype ako, kawawa tlaga ang mga lalaki sa usaping ito. ipagtanggol nyo naman ang sarili nyo!!! baka masyado akong madala ng ineespouse na plataporma nito, baka pag naging boyfriend ko na ang kung sinuman eh maglokohan lang kami.

oh well, hindi ko rin masabi.

obvious ba wala akong magawa? nasa office pa ako nito ha. naghihintay ng abiso kung papakainin ba kami pagkatapos ng reception sa kabilang opisina.

sa ngayon, yung separada nagrerecount na ng travails ng isang hiwalay sa asawa, kung paano kawalang kuwenta ang asawa nya, at lalo na gaano kababa ng pagkatao ng sinamahan ng asawa nya (bale opinyon ko lang yon lahat).

kung magkaka-asawa ako at maghihiwalay kami, aba lalo nat hindi ko kayang buhayin ang anak ko mag-isa, at maganda ang trabaho mo, hindi dapat na kung anu-anong alibi ang gawin para di ka magbigay ng sustento. tipong kung gusto mong buhayin ang bago mong asawa, hindi ko na problema kung saang kamay ng demonyo mo kukunin ang pangbuhay sa kanya. basta buhayin mo yung anak mo. ganyan ang problema nitong nagkukuwento ngayon. ang problema, napakabait nya. kahit hirap na hirap na sya. samantalang yung dati nyang asawa, pilit na sumasabay sa sa lifestyle ng bagong kinakasama na nung nakuha nya eh may dalawa na rin anak at maykaya kaya ayan, tulo na uhog kaka-dahilan kung bakit di makapagbigay buwan buwan ng sustento. walang balls tlaga.

hay, saka na nga lang ito.

uulitin ko, ang mundo nakakaloka na talaga.

on a roll

i am. things are.

i love being occupied although sometimes (like now), it causes mild panic attacks and indecisions. should i stay or should i go?

at any rate, and any way this goes, i will not lose something. maybe i will, but it will be something that can be compensated with the truth that it's not just the right time.

vague, vague, vague. i know.

the greatest solution to this is for me to make a choice. that's what a friend always tells me. choose and stand by it.

this is about my career, by the way. my lovelife has been forgotten. hahaha. but wait for its resurrection. i see it coming soon. hahaha. i wish i can say i'm kidding and i hope i am.

based on internal emails, i will be very busy tomorrow. i am so excited. it's not everyday that i'm having a really full day.

p.s. i talked to a friend and i finally asked him if he's **M, something that has puzzled me for almost a week. he said he's not but he did leave a comment on the same blog. hopeless romantic talaga ang gago. dinadaan pa sa pagbabasa ng mga libro KO.

p.p.s. it's back. my regular afternoon fevers and my insatiable hunger. something must be wrong with me. something could be wrong with me. something is wrong with me.

p.p.p.s. why the flushed cheeks while hearing a friend talk to him? why? it's not proper. i should be making progress, shouldn't i?

i have mixed emotions whenever i look at my wish list.

i have something to look forward to, financially, but i know i can't spend them all on things that i want. (as my own personal history would reveal that i like things, even men, intensely but the fascination drops after it reaches a certain point.)

a boxed dvd set of all 10 seasons of Friends. the exclusive Friends 'Til The End coffeetable book. more and more and more Asian movie titles. a new wrist watch. a new memory card for my digicam. a new cellphone. a new satchel bag from Kenneth Cole. a hundred more books. a new dvd player in my room. gavin degraw's album. decent boxing gloves. boxed dvd set of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. more scrapbooking stuff. hair spa. trip to burma. (on time) Vanity Fair subscription. weekend getaway in Guimaras. flat screen computer monitor.

...and a thousand entries more.

i can buy some of them, to be fair (to whom? to me?).

money makes the world go round. anyone who says not, and would be cheesy enough to contend that love and contentment matter more in life, is a bigtime hypocrite.

lalalala...

You hate stupid people! You hate the people who always say vapid things at the most inopportune times. The ones who are always above you at work, although they know nothing about anything. Damn those stupid people. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I say: aha.

~

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

~


You are Pride!What it is:The worse of the sins. It is
desire to be important, attractive to others or
love for ones self.Punishment in Hell:Broken on a weel(which
means that they chain you to the wheel or the
ground, and roll a huge spiked wheel on you.).Animal:Horse.Color:Violet.Demon:Lucifer.

Which Of the 7 Deadly Sins Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I say: right on target. bwahaha.

~

Photobucket.com">

You are Lady Lilth

*One day, you will rule the world.*

You are quick to point out someone's mistakes. You tend to hold grudges
longer than most people but forgive people who deserve death.

What Is Your Goth Name?
brought to you by Quizilla

I say: Lady Lilth. cool.

...and what do you know, hollywood is making the american version of IL MARE starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock! the movie's tentative title is The Lake House. i only have The Grudge as basis for apparent comparison but i hope this movie will turn out good.

see, Speed is one of my all-time favorite movies, no matter what people say, although speed 2 sucked bigtime. anyway, of all the explosions and car crashings, these lines are my classic favorite:

ANNIE: You're not going to get mushy on me, are you?
JACK: Maybe. I might.
ANNIE: I hope not, 'coz you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.
JACK: Oh yeah?
ANNIE: Yeah, I've done extensive study on this.
(last scene)
JACK: I have to warn you, I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.
ANNIE: OK. We'll have to base it on sex then.
JACK: Whatever you say, ma'am.

I love Jessica Fletcher.

I never got to watch a single episode of Murder, She Wrote before. Well, you have to give it to me--I was raised in a household whose television habit was mostly composed of Pinoy soap operas.

I still find the new Crime/Suspense channel (50) a bit annoying with endless teasers between gaps, but I am liking it if only for Angela Lansbury. Now, an additional online pasttime: reading fansites for Murder, She Wrote.

I can't wait to go home and watch again! It's like seeing your grandmother do sleuthing work. Haha.

next week, i'll tell you

i talked to a friend on the phone, someone whom i've not seen in almost a decade. yes, almost ten years. she asked me about the goings-on in my blog. she reads it always, she tells me. i'm flattered, but i asked her, has she been really reading my blog? she said yes, and she understands my sudden shift of emotions and other "stupid wisecracks". i wanna hug her that moment. for once, someone said that to me. if only i could crawl my way through that telephone line and sprout from her handset...that would be utterly scary. :)

like most of my readers, the numbers of which do not exceed 29 a day per my site meter, she bombarded me with questions and gave me unsolicited opinions on how inappropriate a recent decision was. i did not bother to argue, it was a "first-time-to-hear-your-voice-again-after-almost-a-decade" moment and i don't wanna make it a heated debate. next week, darling, you'll going to read about it. and frankly, now i know i could have made the right decision because i do not feel stumped anymore with bouts of, "uhm, well...oo nga ano's" and that no matter how ridiculous it seems (that i'm fooling myself and stuff), i can give anyone an answer--and concrete justification--as to why letting go is really the right way to deal with it. ohh, i'm so brimming with positive energy. but it does not discount the fact that he...never mind, next week, i promise.

on a slightly deviant matter, i finally watched IL MARE yesterday. it wasn't what i expected it to be, but it's a good movie! an almost perfect lazy saturday afternoon type of movie. and speaking of movies, i intend to watch two or three more cinemanila entries, despite my very very very very tight budget. oh man, life is really hard in this country. i am thankful and very grateful that i could still afford squeezing in a 100-peso movie ticket in my weekly allowance.

List 20 people you can think of right off your head...

1. henessey
2. asha
3. joy
4. makisig
5. rachel
6. rayan
7. gerlan
8. eiselle
9. kats
10. sandy
11. lalaine
12. ditos
13. antonia
14. tamara
15. doris
16. kryzzle
17. patty
18. eramm
19. maky
20. junie

How did you meet 4?> have not met, kakakitako lang sa little big star at gusto ko syang i-abduct. hahaha...

What do you honestly think of 10?> she's not as demure as she projects herself to be! naman!

Have you ever liked 3?> ano ba yon!

Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?> not ever. 2's turning three and 11's my officemate! mag-ina, pwede :)

Who is 8 going out with?> secret...hihihi...ano E, sabihin ko?

Is 9 a boy or a girl?> malamang babae, buntis eh.

When was the last time you talked to 5?> talked, last thursday, "communicated", yesterday, she sent me a text dahil naalala daw nya ako pag nakikita nya si chicken little :)

What is 1's favorite band?> i dunno. i haven't seen him in 6 years! last i know yung The wonders..sila ba yung kumanta ng That Thing You Do?

Does 2 have any siblings?> none, as far as i know. kung magkakaroon sya ng sib sa mommy's side, sasabunutan ko yung nanay nya ngayon.

Would you ever date 6?> no comment. hakhakhak...

Would you ever date 7?> bakla yan 'no.

Is 15 single?> yup. though i hope not for too long :)

What is 19's last name?> Sanchez

What does 17 look like?> petite! that's what she said. she kinda looks the daughter of Erap, si Jerika. i swear :) a friend of Jerika told her that :)

What is 10's fantasy?> to be the DCM's spouse. oops.

Would 14 and 19 ever get together?> get together in a party, why not? both are young, intelligent, amazing girls!

What school does 16 go to?> phil. christian university

What school does 1 go to?> UP Law ata! wahoo!

Where does 9 live?> honradez st., makati! dun ka bababa sa kanto ng SSS at baliwag lechon manok. hahaha...

Would you fight 13?> no. wala namang dahilan kung bakit...

Are 5 and 6 best friends?> well, they're siblings...:)

Is 20 older than you?> yup. by 3 years?

Is 18 the sexiest person alive?> could be on his way to be the world's sexiest man, why not?

argh, this is a stupid questionnaire.

i don't like it when i get ill. who does, anyway? you get to take a day off from work but you just idle in your bed all day, and it's a bonus when you can watch a good show on tv.

my getting sick disrupted my cinemanila marathon. yesterday, i only got to watch Jon Red's CUT.

it's even worse that my appetite, contrary to what you should feel when you're sick, is on its peak. tss. out of nothing to do i watched armageddon and cried (again). i am really sick.

now, i'm too lazy to update this blog, because i'm off making epal to those online fora. i haven't done this in a long time.

dapat ba kitang limutin
pano mapipigil ang isang damdamin
kung ang sinisigaw
ikaw ang lahat sa akin

nuff said.

-
rach, i don't tell you this but i know you already understand. i love you for the friendship that extends beyond whatever this feeling i have towards, you know who. i am happy that you do not feel like what you felt a year ago today. i agree, you have more things ahead of you and you'll do them before you reach 30.

i opened my eyes at 5 in the morning with a smile on my face. let's just say i slept happy last night. a general lesson: don't expect. happiness brought by something received unexpectedly is just...super. forgive my choice of word.

i have a generally healthy outlook towards my office life now. i am not as...let's just say, disinterested, as before. my work is good, something to be proud of, something to be thankful for. yes, because i earn from doing a desk job day after day.

i am smiling now even if i left my phone at home. i may not be able to return text messages but i'll get used to it within today. except for a business deal which i should be able to act on as soon as i get home! my life's changing already, i should not limit text message expectations from friends and whoever.

i am smiling now even if a tagger said that erin tanada is gay. no comment on the matter. as i said, it doesn't matter. check out his current pic in the liberal party website. he really looks like my ex. tss. appearance does not matter to me as much as the substance between the ears. i've met too many good looking men, and while i still get mesmerized, at the end of the encounter, i judge by the apparent substance of the person. one can't have it all so i prefer men with sense. a pointy nose is a real plus so when we end up with each other, i'll try every positions possible so our baby's nose ends up like his. wow, did i just say that?

and here is a picture almost three years ago (?). the attributes of a picture from a camphone. see me there? that's a forehead that can sink a thousand ships. holy molly.

tingnan mo itong mga ito.

nakapanliliit magbasa ng sandamakmak na blogsites tungkol kina leandro aragoncillo at michael ray aquino. tipong sa bawat pangungusap na kakabit ang salitang "filipino" na ginagamit bilang pang-uri sa kanila, napapailing ka.

sa bawat pinagtatrabahuhan naman meron talagang potesyal na 'bulok' na kasama. ang siste lang dito, ginawa sa luklukan ng pangulo ng pinakamakapangyarihang bansa (or so they said) sa mundo. sabi nga sa radyo, kahit daw personal recipe lang ng sinigang ni bush ang nadownload at inemail mula sa white house, mali pa rin yon. tapos ngayon, kaladkad ang kapakanan at kredibilidad ng ilang taong kapareho ng pinagmulan, pero nagtatrabaho ng maayos.

sinasabi ko ito bilang empleyado rin ng gobyerno ng estados unidos. nakakagago kasi. habang ikaw ay ingat na ingat na madungisan ang iyong paglilingkod, kumikita ng pera sa disenteng paraan, eto at may mga taong gagawa ng ganito na hanggang ngayon eh hindi pa rin malinaw ang motivation. maliban siguro sa pangako ng kapangyarihan na tunay na lalamunin ang iyong kaluluwa.

marahil dalawa lamang sa marami pa sina aragoncillo at aquino pero sa lagay na ito, dapat tlaga kung saan ka nagtatrabaho, sa opisina man ng united nations o sa carinderia ni roma, gumawa ka ng marangal na trabaho. sa panahon ngayon ng lintikan na tlaga ang mga "cover your ass" na bahagi ng defensive mechanism, pagkatapos ng bawat araw, kung malinis ang konsensya mo, hindi ka pwedeng ipagkanulo ng iba. kahit pa sabihing ikaw ay imamanipula at idadawit ng wala kang laban, iba ang taong malinis ang konsensya. ang karma ngayon ay mabilis kaya hindi ko maisip kung bakit mas marami pa ngayon ang pinipiling pangatawanan ng pilit ang maling gawa, sa halip na sa una pa lang ay gumawa na ng tama.

ang mundo, nakakaloka na talaga.

mark this date.

go ahead, mark it. if nothing happens in time, then so be it. however, if something does happen, then don't say i didn't remind you.

unlike mulling alone over a decision with regard to your personal life, it's always different if you share a piece or two with somebody. not necessarily the full details but the general picture of what you're going through. the initial rush of reactions i had about it were particularly of cynics and skeptics, and i wholeheartedly welcomed them. then it all becomes clearer if you find someone who's on the other side; the romantics, the mushy types, that is.

my closest brush with having an active personal life was so abrupt. i thought it's going to be what the books and stars say it was. of course, it's not. very few friends know what happened; in the end, i somehow lost a chance of a beautiful friendship with someone, and the idyllic love towards the other person suddenly fizzled. however, i know it is not too late. for one, i still believe there is still a chance to revive that blossoming friendship now that the thing is over. i never even had the chance to say sorry to that person whom i admittedly had bad thoughts about when all of this was happening, to think that all that she did was express her feelings. surprisingly, after everything that has happened, instead of feeling vindicated and victorious, i suddenly felt that maybe, i need to stop pursuing the feelings for the other person, too, thus what i'm doing now. i just felt that after all that happened, it will be for everybody's best interest to snap out of it. if they decide to pursue theirs, it's not my concern anymore, though i can't promise that i won't be hurt a little.

anyway, a good friend made me realize something that i am perfectly aware of, but am just too stubborn to notice. see, if you feel nothing special looming in the near future, the best thing to do is to love yourself the best that you can. when that time comes that someone does arrive in front of you, then you can give all you have to give.

so right now, i thank God for all the opportunities within my reach to make myself better. in a year, five years, or whenever, i can be sure that you'll see that something has changed in me. it's like, okay, because of your varied reasons you thought i didn't measure up NOW, then i'm going to give it another shot in the future, albeit as unconsciously as possible. so go ahead and mark this date :) if still nothing happens in the future, then i'm perfectly sure it's because someone is intended to be with me, and he's not necessarily you. oh, such spirit. im starting to love it.

in the meantime, as i told him, i'm going to creep out of the tunnel of letting go because i'm already seeing the light at the end of it. if i may just be given that occasional chance to care for you once in a while, and to get giddy hearing your voice in your squeaky heavy accent which i find really adorable, along with your pointy nose, then i'll be thankful.

i neither lost nor gained something from this experience. if only for that, i should be happy.

this is the last time i'm going to write about this. i can't really promise but i'll try hard.

there, i said it.

i am getting to know myself more. rather, i am re-acquainting with the real me little by little, and it makes me really happy (and cheesy). yesterday, our discussion got to how memorable our school days were. i found myself saying that i never really enjoyed going to school. this is not to offend my friends who i've been with but i have to say that during those days, i wasn't really there.

sure, i had moments. moments. it is not the same as many people who lived and breathed their lives in school. it may be hard to understand but it's true. let me just say what i told them yesterday. back in school, it appears i existed (by choice) in an alternate (or parallel?) universe. i'm not a psycho though it's a subtle manifestation of that (now, aren't you scared yet?). but it's not like i am a really different person when i'm "there". as i've said in a previous post, perhaps out of lack of confidence with my person, i resorted to making, at the back of my mind, someone who's the better me. i know that a lot of people are like that, (i remember debaters confess that after a competition, it becomes habitual that when they're alone, they talk to themselves in the mirror, and repeat their speech, and they go, "this is what i should've said", "this should've been my point!", etc.)--- but it appears i've overdone it a little bit. add to this is the fact that i became a fanatic of someone. i read somewhere that people who are confessed fanatics of something or someone are generally healthier emotionally because they get to exercise their emotions beyond what is happening to their own lives. again, i may have overdone it quite a bit. (honestly, i prefer not to apologize to those who can't seem to grasp what i'm saying now. i don't care. :P)

suffice it to say, i did not enjoy my life in school (as in perhaps all 15 years of it) because i was too preoccupied finding out how it would feel if i am not what i am. sadly, i got used to going "there", somewhere just in my imagination, without realizing that the real events happening, i am already missing.

i never got to seize every moment that came my way. i remembered several moments but i never did sustain it. had i been able to do it, maybe, just maybe, i am not in a complete loss as to how to find happiness that many people say is just in front of me. oh God. now, i can't help but envy people who have very vivid memories of their high school prom, how their college orgs' projects went...coz i never got to feel that. i don't have enough memories to cling to and capitalize on because, as established earlier, i was never really into it.

i know it is not too late to start over. i know i am with a lot of good things that are better than most people my age, no matter how arguable that statement is. with baby steps, i wake up now finding that i love what i see around me, i accept the things that i lack, and i laugh at the crazy ironies of the real world. contrary to what i said before, i am loving myself now, and i am thankful.

thank you too to those who appreciated this effort. it validates my desire to slowly overturn my passion for the ideal realm that i have been (WAS!) in for a long time to a refreshing zeal towards a very promising present and future that is due me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

a few manifestations of my changing life...wackiness, that is. starring judith, job abat and sir tito.

in denial

part of this "i've changed" persona is the growing annoyance for people who can't just face reality. oh well, i have to let them be because they have to save their faces. i previously was guilty of taking one to two steps ahead of things to, yes, save my face. it's like a defensive nature. now, i don't care if i had the last say or not. as long as i know the truth, that's fine with me. so okay, you guys go ahead because i've co-existed with you for four years, and there's no reason why i can't do so until God-knows-when. you might think i'm doing this again because i think i am better than most of you. well, you're right. let me add that with you people, i'm starting to feel that class reunions suck.

~

of all the comments i got over the last post, the best came from him. although i did appreciate everyone who reacted otherwise but eventually understood. i'm really doing okay; it's not something that worries me that i can't work anymore. i am better than that. besides, it's something done deliberately. i did it not because I HAD TO. i did it because I WANT TO. only those with puny brains won't understand the difference of the two. anyway, reading what he thought of it, without asking him to react, formally starts the quest for the path towards letting my feelings go. sabi nga ng isang bakla, 'YUN NA.

~

on our way home last night, rachel and i were gushing over regine's song, "araw gabi". it's so not me to blurt, "pag mahal mo talaga, araw gabi iniisip mo, hindi ba?", but i did. she answered yes. nagkaintindihan na kami doon. we're both happy. we have not gotten to that point of having someone beside us but we're happy. we didn't go to the gym despite our promise; we watched a movie after eating pretzels and freshly-squeezed lemonade. see, that freedom makes us happy. and despite the fact that we, for a while, wished we have someone to call when we need a ride, (not the "mang pedring" call, but the "honey, can you pick me up" type), we had such fun time mildly bashing some women, some cars, and some people over 60 pesos. we're mean but we're happy. see, life is so beautiful.

*plays araw gabi as i return to work*

this is it.

(i hope this is the real thing.)

during my reading time this afternoon, i did something so liberating. it is not worthy to be confessed to the world but let me say that i left the place feeling renewed. i've never felt so much courage and confidence to face the world. in a gist, if i was able to do something as drastic as that, then nothing can stun me anymore, in terms of boldly facing actions that may affect me beneficially or otherwise.

six weeks ago, i started feeling that my world isn't as dull and shallow as before. i came face-to-face with human hostility, jealousy, extreme affection, doubt, and other emotions which made me realize that i am no longer that sheltered girl i pride myself to be.

in the next days or so, i will be facing uncertain events, specifically with my career, and i am prepared. not only to take challenges head-on, but to speak what i feel, and what i don't want to do. if there is one thing i am sure of now, it is the conviction that i can stand by all my decisions as a mature, sane, professional person would. gone are the moments of leaving it all to fate, and always banking on the support of my elders, my colleagues, my peers. now, everything that escapes my lips, i am ready to be responsible for. on top of it all, i have committed to pray more to God to guide me in whatever i do or say. i believe that's the only way to manifest your love for life, and love for yourself. and yes, i can say i love myself now, the faulty, sometimes irrational me, and not the alter ego who's so ideal.

on my way home aboard a rusty jeepney, i sat beside a couple holding their days-old baby girl, wrapped in a blanket. they were gushing over their bundle of joy. i can't help but peek and smile. this little girl's starting her life, her journey to this crazy world. i told myself, so am i.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

one thing i did, and promise to stand by, is the biggest lie i told the person special to me. after an apology for making him my human rantboard (and the assurance that it's perfectly okay), i somehow managed to tell him that i am working, and am very much eager to get over someone i feel strong affection for. it is letting go of something and someone complicated. after a long exchange of whys and buts, i stood firm with the decision that i am certain to pursue treading a new life, leaving that baggage behind. if, in time, it's going to fluorish anyway, then, well and good. one thing only pains me now, and i have to give it to him because he's right. he told me, "don't fool yourself." it's basic logic. you feel it, you let it be. you don't--and can't--force yourself to unfeel something that is so strongly there. i told him to just help me pray that it will be gone sooner. i know that he knows it's him. the very best thing about this until now is that i never heard anything accusatory or offensive from him. he respects me. as a rational person, he knows it is a matter of fact and whatever i decide to do or write, let's leave it at that.

when it's all woozy and hazy

this is one of those rare mondays when i get excited and all geared up. then all of a sudden, i come to the office and i find out that the team isn't complete. gzzzt.

i am not feeling well until now and it seems that a lot of people i know are ill as well. what's happening? add to this is the stifling reality that i can't take care of someone the way i should because i am ill myself. grrrk.

i am in the middle of a very important job in the office but i really wish i am not involved in it. now i know how lucky i was having a simple, uncomplicated life before. now, i read (and oh, eat) after office because i need to destress, not because i just like finishing a book. ffff.

speaking of books, i finally gave up on the poisonwood bible until such time when i get a real break and look into it. i am now reading anchee min's becoming madame mao. it's pretty engaging. don't ask me how and why did i say that. i read for my own pleasure and not to make a review for other people to see. hmm, i should quote that swak line from sputnik sweetheart. rrrr.

i love you. this will pass.

not in the mood...

i said i miss blogging but i'm so lazy to write a real post. i'm still stressed. this will pass. add to my frustration is the fact that i've been trying to read Barbara Kingsolver's The Poisonwood bible, something that i was excited about because finally, after 2 years, i'll read it, but...nah. i need to take my mind from thinking of this work dilemma for a while. i should really learn to compartmentalize.

anyway, noime coaxed me to go to the Gendins' party last night. great food, great crowd, wonderful hosts. kahit i was battling a headache, masaya naman.










1. fooling with Lalaine and Gracie (who surprisingly came!)
2. with some of the NIV people (selos pa ata si Tita Ditos kasi sumasama ako sa IV)
3. with Eden and Spike (mukha akong lobo. haha. not feeling well that time)
4. Rachel in an Asian-inspired pose
5. people in the entertainemnt room. bumabanat si Tita Ditos ng Top of the World nyan. haha.
6. with a tired Estee
7. with Pong
8. with Attorney Lindsay Atienza :)
9. with RJ while waiting for Daise to come out of the restroom. ;)
10. with Machut
11. with sisterette Rach. only she can get away with that pose. pag ginaya ko yan magmumukha akong bakla. :) and there's a reason bakit dito ko nilagay ang pic na ito. heehee. ang saya ni sister kagabi :)
12. with our birthday girl, Debbie
13. with the boys, hehe. Jules, Anthony and Alfred
14. the other people of our department

and these were last week's...


early dinner at Razon's because E has been salivating for it for like, a week.


Joy would kill me for this pic but it's her birthday treat nga pala....and Erwin's too. ang tahimik kasi eh, ayan, malay ko bang magkasunod lang sila ni Joy. hehe happy birthday senator kiko!!! :)